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About DeppressedOwl

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  • Birthday May 15

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    Writing, traveling
  1. Hey everyone. As always, thanks for all the incredible support you always show. I have had some time to think things through and do some career searching (because my career choice is one of the many things that, I feel, keep me stressed all the time). have been on final exams these past few weeks. It's been crazy, all the work and stuff but, for some reason, I have found myself procrastinating more and more. I know I should take this more seriously but the classes I'm taking, the career I'm being forced to study... is just not fullfilling, I feel like I'm wasting away. I hate waking up and dreading the classes I have to go to. College life shouldn't be like this. I have realized this might also be a great factor for my ongoing depression. Since I don't have the resources to find an specialist to treat me I am taking steps to heal myself. I hate all of this, I hate not even remembering what it felt like to be truly carefree and happy. Thanks again for all of your answers, this site has been one of the reasons I decided to take the steps to just find myself and try to be happy.
  2. Once again, thanks to everyone who has been supporting me through this. It really does mean a lot for someone like me, who feels alone all the time. Now I'll clear up some aspects. For starters, I don't even have an insurance; here, government forces everyone who is employed and recieves a salary to give a percentage of it to a private insurance company. Minors and unemployed people aren't obligated since they recieve no salary, which means we don't have an insurance. The govenment doesn't give free assistance at all. Essalud (the public healthcare) only works with people who are affiliated (pay another percentage of their salary). This is not a post about my government's crappy public service but I think you can get an idea of how unhelpful it is. Believe me when I say I have tried every way I can to get help when I realized my parents would never willingly get me the help I need. I am aware that untreated deppression gets worse over time, I've struggled with it for over a year. While at school, I talked to a close teacher of mine and she helped me as best as she could and, recently, I've gone to the University councelor who told me she couldn't really give me any specialized help since it's not what the university offers. I am a person who, if seen superficially might seem confident and almost normal. I have become so good at pretending I'm fine that my resting face has a fake smile plastered to it (not really, it's not that exaggerated but you get the idea). My first semester in college I made some friends but, like I always do, I drove them away from me, I made them sick of me. This is something I hate about myself. Now that I have read a little about my attachment style I am able to comprehend it more. I used to hate myself and spend endless hours just mentally screaming and blaming myself for the loneliness. What you said about expecting people to socialize for me is true, I have become so scared of people that I don't talk to them unless I really need to. I have tried joining clubs (three) after my friends from the first semester stopped talking to me and have been rejected at all of them. These were really terrible blows to whatever small microscopic self esteem and confidence I had left. Needless to say, I haven't tried joining anything else. I agree that joining the role-playing game has been a positive experience for me in many aspects. It was an escape from reality, from the terrible, lonely reality I'm stuck in. I found people who are real keepers, who are not as close to me but whom I have grown to really care about. These are the things that have helped me finally stop regretting everything. Last year my deppression was triggered by several horrible events in my life. Last year was the worst year of my life in every aspect. A little background: I attended a big-shot private school and was 1st place ever since second grade of elementary school. There was this one girl whose parents were really really important and had connections. The teachers would always show preference towards this girl and it was obvious. All of highschool I felt that anything I did would never be enough because all the praises were always for her. I literally was a model student: responsable, perfect grades, part of the student council, volunteered for extra work, did extra hours of cummunity service. I killed myself trying to be "perfect" and was exhausted. However, no matter how much I did no one noticed. No one. Not even my parents. They never congratulate me for my efforts, all they ever do is see the things I could improve. And they criticize, always criticize. At the end of the year, the school gave this girl I mentioned the Valedictorian, a special prize for "the best accumulated avarage in highscool" (even though I had been 1st place every year), the Star Student Award, the top athlete award, the community service award, and well a ton of other awards. I was destroyed. I had the stupid notion that maybe they would play fair this time, that maybe someone would at least recognize my efforts. In addition to that, I needed (at least) that Valedictorian to get a scholarship to a good foreign university and bail this country (not that I hate it but I can't stand another minute here). When they gave her the prizes my dreams shattered. That was when I knew I'd have to postpone everything, all my plans. Everything, everything I had worked for ALL MY LIFE.... it was just, I can't even find words to describe how destroyed I was. In addition to that, the problems at home got worse. My father was always violent, he always has been. He would hit me and my mom for no reason and he has a lot of problems:: he could be a normal, loving father one day and the next he would insult me and slap the crap out of me for no reason at all. One day around October it got so bad I had to call the police so he would leave me and my mom alone. I had ten minutes to pack all my school stuff and some clothes. Then I spent the following three weeks at a temporal motel until they got my father away from us. At the end he got away with no charges (he's a big-shot lawyer in the town) and we had to return to the house and he was still there. I had to spend every day of those last months of school (school here begins in March and ends in December) afraid of what could happen at any moment. You cannot even imagine my stress when studying for the finals. It was the worst time of my life. As if that was not enough I lost my best friend. He, out of the blue, confessed he was in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend (this happened around late June). I was going through too much at the time, I couldn't afford a draining relationship with someone I didn't even see that way. He was a guy I had bonded with junior year because we were both loners. Now he appeared with this and I couldn't say no, I knew he would harm himself if I did so I agreed on a date. We went out and I just thought about it as any other outing we had had but, when he walked me home, he suddenly hugged and rubbed against me with a lot of force (almost emprisoned me) and wouldn't let go. I tried to take that as calmly as I could and not freak the hell out. When I finally got home my father somehow knew I had been out on a date and he was furious because I hadn't told him. Things got bad and when we had our July break I was forced to cut communication with my friend completely because I was afraid of both, what he had done and what could happen to him. After the break, he came back a completely different person. He was a part of the "cool" crowd, he wouldn't even acknowledge me and he spread nasty rumours about me. This got worse around the time my parents had the huge October fight. I had no one to talk to. No one. My best friend was gone forever and, in his place, there was this guy who was his polar opposite.
  3. First of all, thank you so much Lala. I discovered something new in every sentence you wrote. Thank you again for taking the time to answer and include links and stuff. I found this quite interesting and took the time to research attachment styles and relationship patterns and, sfter taking a couple of tests, it turns out I'm "fearful-avoidant". I read several articles about it and I do feel identified with most of the traits. I would like to know what this means/ how does it affect me. I think this is a huge component of my problem with people and I need to get over this. As I have explained in my post above (which turned out to be ridiculously long, I'm sorry) this experience of opening up to people went terribly wrong and I am worried it will accentuate the more "fearful" aspect of my attachment style.
  4. Thanks a lot to everyone who has answered. Really. It has helped a lot to know that there is someone out there who is trying to help and is taking the time to answer this and comfort me somewhat. I live in Peru. The medical system here is quite crappy, there is no insurance for the kind of problem I have (at least not that I'm aware of). English is not even my first language but this english-speaking community is the only place I have found help (which evidences how not even online communities here are helpful). I am SO incredibly grateful for every comment here. Especially, I want to thank Lala. I want you to know that your post has been incredibly helpful in so many ways. Now, I would like to also explain some of the more recent stuff that has been affecting me. I feel so ashamed that something so dumb could be one of the factors of my descent into darkness. I have dealt with deppression for over a year but some recent events have dragged me down even more. In the following paragraph I will detail somewhat what I mean when I say "I'm attached" and when I mention a "him". First of all, it's important to point out that it's really hard for me to be able to open up and share with other people in general (BTW I did read the article and watched the video Lala recomended, I find it very interesting and it did help me have a better insight about some of my problems). For some stupid reason I was hoping that all my social problems and awkwardness would magically vanish once I went to university. Needless to say, they didn't. I realized that in university it's worse because you need to socialize. I felt alone, even more so than before, and especially because I am now living on my own, away from my parents. One day, everything sort of changed when I joined in an online role-playing game on facebook. People were friendly. I could be whoever I wanted. I felt needed. I felt ok. It seemed as if everyone wanted to be my friend and it was so new and exciting to me. Most of the people in the group were from other south american countries so I found myself sharing stuff with them I normally wouldn't (I think that the thought of them living far away influenced that). There was one guy especially, from another country. At first he annoyed me. He kept texting me and stuff but then I started to enjoy talking to him online. We became friends. We even exchanged phone numbers. I told him about the emotional problems I was having and he took it to heart to make me smile everyday (every morning, I would wake up to a nice text from him). Then, things sort of changed. We didn't talk as much anymore. He wouldn't answer my messages and texts for hours (when, before, he answered almost immediately). I had carelessly put everything else in my life on hold because of this game and the people I had met because of it. The highlight of my days had usually something to do with them. I would skip classes just to keep talking to them and playing. I began failing my tests and getting lower grades. I felt like I was giving everything to them and that was slowly taking a toll on me. One night, after an incident, it dawned on me just how much I cared about all of these people I had never even met. It's important to point out I have never had any romantic experience or whatsoever. So, when the guy I mentioned before started "flirting" with me at one point, I went along with it because I naively thought that it could do no harm to just play along. I convinced myself that I could never feel anything towards someone I had never even met. Big mistake, I realize now. Now I feel as if he got bored with me and thus he has stopped answering. I don't get it. I really don't understand what has happened. What angers me the most though is that I was so wrong! How could I get so involved and give someone else the power to hurt me that much?! I know it's dumb. I know it cannot possibly compare to the heartache one may feel after a breakup from a real relationship but this is my first experience on this front and it really does hurt me. It really does make me feel even worse than I felt before I joined the game. Now I feel even more alone and abandoned and lost and it's stupid, I know. Because, how could I expect someone to care for me and be so selfless? How could I allow someone to try and make me feel happy when I can't seem to stop destroying myself a little at a time? It's even worse when you have had a taste of it. A taste of how it feels like to belong, to be liked and valued and cared for (even if it was not genuine). I feel like I have accepted so much of their bullshit without protesting and they have taken so much from me and now they are leaving me behind. I just... I didn't need that in my life right now. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of a life I've destroyed myself (this semester is almost unsalvageable) and I'm even more deppressed than before. And everything is my own fault, for getting too attached, for thinking that distance makes a difference.
  5. Where I live, it's a little more complicated than that
  6. Not seeing anyone right now. I went to my university's counselor and she diagnosed clinical deppression but told me she can't realy help me with it as these kinds of treatments are not included in the program. When I told my parents about this they brushed it off, they think I'm making stuff up to attract attention. And I'm really not. I really need help. I am so alone. I feel like I can't tell anyone about how I feel (which is why I joined this site on the first place). Thanks for answering. Thanks for taking the time and effort.
  7. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my vision is blurry, I want to vomit.

  8. I don’t know what these feelings are. I don’t understand the knot in my stomach, the wrenching of my gut and the waves of nausea racking my body. Each sob seems ripped apart from my soul and producing those sounds is already taking its toll on my vocal cords. Not what I want. Not what I need. I’ve got an important test tomorrow and I don’t seem to care. My best friend is not available and she lives in another continent. I’m seriously considering scratching my pain away and, with bloody nails and tattered wrists, sobbing and screaming into a pillow. Not that anyone would care if I scream in hurt and pain anyway. But I’m too much of a coward for that too. Too much of an empty shell. So I just try to pour it down in my writing, which might not even be good anymore since I have barely written a single sentence since my supposed “writer’s block” (which has lasted almost a year and a half so far). I hate what I’ve become. What I’ve done to myself. How in the seven hells has my life become this dependent on other’s opinions, I have no time for anyone’s shit, especially my own. Yet here I am, crying and suffering and swallowing my own vomit for basically nothing. And no one even cares. And it hurts to know that. It hurts despite me insisting it doesn’t affect me at all. Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. I went to a counselor and she asked: what do YOU want? Not your parents, not your friends, not your teachers, YOU; what do you feel like doing? I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. I kept thinking “oh well my parents want me to be a lawyer” and “everyone says I am a good writer so maybe I should be a journalist”. But I don’t even know anything anymore. I’m so tired but no amount of sleep seems enough anymore. I hate crying but that’s anything I seem capable of lately. I am hungry and nauseous at the same time. Is that even possible? I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I am alone in this big city, in this big apartment. And I’ve made no friends. HA. I thought it would be over and dead after I graduated highschool. Now I’m stuck with fucking depression. Why do I get attached so easily? I thought I was above that. Me, the one who bluffs about her lack of feelings, about her cold heart. Me, the one who claims that having romantic life or whatsoever is a waste of your freaking time. Nothing has even happened. He lives far away. This was NOT supposed to happen. Why does it hurt if he cares nothing at all anyway? I should care nothing about him. I thought I was above everything and, now, whoever is above must be having a laugh at me. And hell, I even have a fucking rash on my left arm (which has nothing to do with this but it is itching like crazy and I’m crying while I’m scratching and writing and it’s just so ridiculous and this might just be a metaphor of my whole fucking life).
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