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About passionfruit3

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  • Birthday 09/16/1992

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  1. passionfruit3

    Old panics

    Im starting to have old panics today i went to lunch with my dad and brother and we went to this cool nature reserve and now im just in full panic cause i feel my dad is doing this cause he doesn't know how much time he has left with us his brothers all died in there fiftys hes fifty one now. He gave me a photo of when he was younger.hes doing all these good things for people feeding and giving water to homeless he even talks about losing his memory to old age.i cant live without him.we treated eachother badly at a time in my life.but if he goes i want to go to.my mother has my siblings i cant be without my dad even if i am closer to my mom.but if i just went in a few months from now maybe i coukd just remember both my parents and family as alive.i always. Screw up on things so i dont want to try but if i could find a way could i do it?i just wonder.
  2. passionfruit3

    What a night

    A long time ago 15 or 16 but I was also supposed to see a neuropsychologist and my parents never took me.i also don't what the results for that were.mom has everything and I'm not supposed to look at it though she says I can request and buy records myself. My parents don't get along they don't agree on anything they call eachother roommates not sure why there still together other than money and my siblings sacking them dry for therapy rent and college.I know that sounds terrible but it's the truth.there's no thing as structure.anytime the subject of moving comes out my mom gets upset and starts blaming other people she's even told me you can live with me forever.ironically my dad says the same thing.I do want a life of my own I just lack confidence and I'm scared.I haven't figured out everything due to my disability I might need someone around.there might be days I can't work or need help. My older sister said most jobs won't take someone like me.though I've learned it's possible to get one with the state. I get nervous about overcomplicated things so I've tried school and cause it was more talk both classes and less hands on it didn't work.i didn't realize that was the issue till recently so it's possible to go back to school if I take a hands on class of sorts.if I don't lose motivation as well and end up in er.as for jobs it's best to wait I think I've got more chance at college before if I should drop out they will send me to a different school further away then I can just call myself a failure and quit.but it's worth a shot. See by talking to you you have helped me solve a big problem thank you?
  3. passionfruit3

    What a night

    I just got out of the er this morning but what a night it was. Around 6 o'clock I ingested borax like roach powder.I told my mom who dropped me off at the hospital and went home.the er was kind of packed but they checked me in.a social worker comes out and says we are not going to see you in the hospital tonight you have an outpatient group in the morning. I told her I want to see the doctor. And she says your not gonna see a doctor.you need to go home.your eyes don't look like you swallowed it. She says she has to see another patient and leave.it sit for a little bit by now it's like 7 i start walking towards target store a half hour away I'm crying as I'm going at one point I even think of facing my fear and crossing the overpass but I don't I go to target call my mom who is furious upon picking me up at 8 o'clock at night after I break down and tell her what happened .my mom brings me back to the er and she comes with me this time they check me and they look at why the social worker said that but there's no record of it apparently.my mom says she is angry and will make a complaint.the rest of the night runs smoothly till mom leaves and I suddenly have this urge to kick the bed.my conversion disorder is acting up so I can't move so I just kick it repeatedly. Just before the nurse comes to move me i sit on top of the head of the bed I get down so he can move me.there are security gaurds when I'm moved.there are security gaurds watching me.i keep having an urge to kick the bed.then suddenly I sit on it.they pull me down and put it all the way down so I don't sit on it.then I try and bite a chord I don't bite it hard cause 1000 volts through your body is a painful way to die i am just testing to see if I really want to but security stops me.i then took a chair and placed it on the gurney to try and sit and fall backwards.so they took that.finally I started eating and swallowing plastic.they gave me zyprexa shot.I'm so out of it still this is what is usually me at the er only it was made worse cause I had none of my nighttime meds and so I was allowed to go home in the morning. Don't know if I made the right decision saying no to being admited?
  4. I just got out of the hospital today to find my 16 year old cousin has a black eye for two days after his father punched him in it. His mother did not take him to the hospital his grandmother found out and was crying on the phone apparently he beats the boy and his mother.went to jail for beating his last girlfriend almost to death.my cousin can't hear out of one ear and he was being told not to take his adhd medication.cops thought because my cousin is big that they'd got into a confrontation but apparently his dad just has anger issues and my cousin wets the bed at 16.he has not wanted to go home at times.his mother everyone is really mad she'd stay with such a guy at the risk of her child being beaten My cousin when we younger he used to try and get sexual with me at 14 doing things I won't mention but I said stop and still it didn't stop and my mom was upstairs i was very hurt by this but I've learned,more about this over the years after another cousin the boy did things to her.apparently when he was around that age his father would often have him watch porn.i believe this is why this kid is so messed because of a terrible home life.my father makes jokes about him being gay and a molester.ive laughed before I'll admit but it's really not funny cause anything is possible but also it's not right to label people. Never again will i be such a fool never again will the cat goddess cry out to soon. Words form my poetry. But the story is true just that last line
  5. passionfruit3

    Wish I could die

    I was honest and my psychiatrist is not even in to hear it.lost my phone so can't even talk to anyone mom won't let me use hers.I told them about the garbage disposal incident,the burning,and other ways I'd tried to harm myself it wasn't enough for there concern.I just wanted to be away from my sister so we wouldn't fight.and there acting like the crap i do is normal.who squirts teeth whitening into there ear canal for heaven sakes.I hate myself so much I wish I could kill myself.
  6. passionfruit3

    Little sister appendicitis blame god.not sure what I feel.

    When my older sister is around she's like the balance between us.but next month she's visit ingredients alone which complicates every thing. The anger comes from growing up she always was doing stuff and getting away with it.my mom never wanted my dad to do anything about it and for good reason.one time he locked himself in the bathroom with her and beat her with a belt.it scared me cause he wouldn't let anyone in.but then at one point he stopped intervening at all unless it was someone else from family calling her out.before she left Texas she took remote batteries out of the x box controller so my mom could not use the tv granted we hate what she watches but mom was chasing her around the couch and she's giggling when my aunt told her it wasn't funny my dad got mad at her and not my sister. Shes done other stuff to pretending to cut herself with a knife,going to the restroom not using it but refusing to come out or taking a shower when someone said they had to use it,and letting my sisters cats out of the room to fight with mine. Some of its learned behavior some of it is just how she is. Sometimes we get along lately it's only over the phone we get along not in person
  7. passionfruit3

    Little sister appendicitis blame god.not sure what I feel.

    Not sure to talk about with her.my anger is always ready to burst when I see her.
  8. passionfruit3

    Little sister appendicitis blame god.not sure what I feel.

    There's a lot of stuff that went on when she lived with us.and not good at all.she got away with everything with no consequences despite being rude and mean.we were constantly at war.last time she was here we had so many physical fights and mom sided with her every single time. I wanted to commit suicide cause she was coming down next month and I didn't want to be here to fight with her.I figured if I made a serious enough attempt it would land me in the hospital till she left as my plans always fail for suicide. I didn't want her to get sick though.and worse it happened while I was hurting myself. Shes not at all to blame she's the youngest. my other sister and I. My parents our dysfunction made hers.I just hate it.
  9. My little sister may have appendicitis.i feel like God did that on purpose and may send her to heaven on purpose as a way to teach me a lesson.i was after all hurting myself when I found out and even now I'm not reacting like I should I'm not freaked out I showed little remorse for sister on the phone. It's like I've lost all love for her because the way she is.if she dies I don't know what I will feel.it may be a simple surgery but my mind goes back to this young 15 year old gril on the news who had the same thing and became brain dead.her family wanted to keep her alive on machines but I feel that family was holding on to fallen dreams and should have let her go.my sister i just don't want to be apart of that decision.or have to make it at all.
  10. passionfruit3

    Feel sick enough to vomit

    I feel like I might throw up swallowed syringe full of teeth whitening and even put some in my ear now I feel I may vomit but I won't go to the er cause my mom and therapist want me to stay out.I did this cause my little sister is coming down from school and I'd rather not live than fight with her constantly.I don't think this stuff will kill me but I do feel hella sick and ready to vomit.I will not go to the er to be abused anymore.
  11. passionfruit3

    I want to cut off my hand...

    Hi i have similar impulses to but mines are different i think about pulling fire alarms also when im in public places i have the urge to yell bomb or gun.its extremely scary having these impulses and those are only just the beginning i don't know what this is.ive never been diagnosed with any impulse control disorder disorders.i don't want or intend to scare people. When im out and about i control myself and only in mental hospitals and ers have i ever been the slightest out of control.ive pulled the fire alarms at the mental hospital and called 911 though it wasnt an emergency in these places my impulse control is zero.so i don't know what this is and i feel for you
  12. passionfruit3

    Useless piece of meat

    The hospital didnt prescribe anything and when i walk.i feel pain my hand. I did feel ignored some as a kid sometimes by mom but mostly by my father.its hard to explain he was there in my life but not there. He played sports with us at the park and sometimes board games.but now as an adult he feels his job is done.hes like i have four kids and i didn't have to pay child support for any of them.he stays cooped in his office most of the time on facebook talking to his fans from the poetry show he runs.or on the phone. He often is against when my siblings say something against me in fact i often prefer being alone with each of them cause it just turns to drama when there together. Trying to talk to my parents is like pulling a horses teeth without anithese.my dad gets real mad when his plans are interrupted.he says tommorow he can take my brother to school not me to my appointment.knowing my dad he feels me getting better is not as important as his sons education.hed choose them over me any day id do better jumping but im no were near a bridge high enough. The security and hospital would be grateful no longer would they have to worry about the girl who constantly failed to do herself in.
  13. passionfruit3

    Useless piece of meat

    So i went to the er the other day got my hand bandaged up thats about it for an infected cut.they didn't treat it in anyway just said i needed antibiotics.its been 4 or 5 days since i did it.i didn't let them do blood and when i did they said they didn't need it and now my hand is stinging and i can't go to my doctors cause my dad suddenly has work early in the morning.funny cause usually he just says he has work and never goes anywere. I dont trust it.one car is also broke so were stuck makes sense he didnt want to taxi us and that hed hide out somewere instead of going to work.doesnt matter though he doesn't care. Moms no better shes been in the living room tending to her two other daughters.my older and youngest sisters.does she even get up to check up on me and yesterday her comment was there just gonna bandage it and thats it why are you even going to the er.well i guess mom was right and they didn't do crap and so i told im not gonna do crap despite what the doctor saying its infected and in need of antibiotics i plan to just let it fall or let it become poison in my blood stream since im such a useless piece of dog meat to her and my father.
  14. passionfruit3

    Continued concern

    I can't i just have to make it through the night cause I'm afraid mom won't let me come back home as she keeps threatening to leave me at the hospital and let them decide what to do with me.the place I need to be at is home.my mom does a good job taking care of me even if sometimes she can't keep me safe always.I'm disabled as well so it's scary cause I don't know were they'd place me if I got stuck in a mental hospital and parents would not take me back id.probably end up on streets since most mental hospitals believe I'm faking my illness or pretend it doesn't exist.if i do anymore I'll go though .
  15. passionfruit3

    Continued concern

    This is from a response to a different post please read and respond it's mostly the last few lines I'm worried about starting with I've self harmed with dental picks I don't want to think my head becomes overwhelmed with thoughts the past mostly.I start thinking of escaping but lately it hasn't been about dying so I just self harm to escape and deal with pain.I'm going to get a new therapist soon just hasn't happened yet in the meantime I'm not sure how to deal with this.I've self harmed with those dentist picks the sharp ones and also today a nail tonight it's concerning cause tonight it opened up wider.my friend explained what deep was for a cut and I think I about hit it tonight.I think I will also post this in the crisis section cause I know open wounds can lead to sepsis and infection not sure what to do and I don't like going to that hospital.it's been suggested going to the same hospital in a different area don't know if it is possible