WARNING : This post is a pretty long one. I apologize in advance.
I'll get to the point, but before that, I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm 21 years old. I'm from India, and you can call me Hollow. I have OCD. With saying that, I'll get on with the story.
It all started 10 years ago, back when I was in 6th grade. I would get repeated intentions to hurt, cause harm and even kill people who are close to me. Mostly family members and friends. However, every time I've made an attempt to do harm, I would either miss, or not be able to do it. The most common examples I can give is hitting a family member, but missing, or even push someone in front of incoming traffic and miss. Either that, or the person I pushed would move beforehand, thus making him out of my reach. The biggest form of this is stabbing. Whenever I see the kitchen knife, I get the urge to stab my family members with it. But as always, I'd fail to do so, either by missing or some reason or the other. This all has caused severe distress in me, and the feelings of guilt and self loathe would consume me. However, upon being diagnosed with OCD, I've taken prescribed medication since then and would visit the state mental hospital from time to time. Things have improved considerably, and though I've had low episodes every now and then, life was more or less normal.
However, as of late, from 2014, that is, from the age of 19, things have gone towards a new, darker turn. Let me tell you the story of this as well. From 18, my testosterone level has shot up quite high. Generally, many people vent off by watching porn. However, for me, I'd vent off from virtual sex, or, sexual roleplay (rp). Roleplay refers to performing actions through words. The action you wish to perform is typed between the star (*) signs.
For example, if I want to pat your shoulder, I simply type, *pats your shoulder*. So I'm sure you can imagine how sexual rp goes.
I got into rp, and was soon addicted to it. I'd rp with anyone and everyone I could find. I'd rp with people as young as 9 to people who were twice my age. At that time, I didn't care.
But then, I thought... Does roleplaying with such young people make me a pedophile..? That's where the worrying started. However, I didn't stop. I'd still rp with very young people. And my lust was so great, I'd even ask for nudes from them.
Things have not ended there. The app that I used to rp is this app called kik. On kik, you can talk with and be friends with random people online. I remember that there were people who would post, talking about exchanging child porn and rape videos. I have memories of exchanging and trading such videos and pictures with such people.
And for a long time, I have been, and still do feel remorse for viewing and pleasuring myself to child porn. I have memories of doing such things, and I've talked this out with my friends, family and therapist. They all said the same thing, that this all is a phase. My best friend, who was an avid viewer of porn, told me that child porn exists only on the deep web, and people like us can't access it.
Along with all this, I have memories of involving in human and child trafficking via kik and other media. But when I talked this out with my friends and family, they all told me that these are false memories.
But I'm not able to accept the fact that these are false memories, because I remember doing such things, and I feel sick about it.
When I remember these things, I get 4 thought :
1. The memory.
2. The guilt.
3. Telling myself that these are false memories and that they've never happened.
4. Remembering the memory and telling myself that I'm lying to myself by saying that these are false memories, and I should be punished.
And it sickens me.
I've consulted my friends, family and even my college counselor about this. They all told me that I'm not a pedophile, as all this is on a virtual basis. They also said that I don't show the characteristics of a pedophile. They said that a pedophile feels no remorse for his actions, and try justifying themselves. And also, that they show this behavior from an early age. However, I'm the opposite. I've had none of these issues before the age of 19. In all aspects, I want to be married to a woman.
Despite all this, I feel as if I'm a pedophile. I feel like a criminal. I feel that I should be punished, and I feel absolutely disgusted of myself. Self loathe has consumed me and I'm drowning in self doubt. I've been researching on this topic, and feel more and more like a pedophile/criminal.
I feel like a misfit. The depression attacks keep getting worse. I can't bear to be with myself. I feel so disgusted.
I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I only get solace in sleep. I need closure. I have no idea what to do.