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Tina

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Everything posted by Tina

  1. I am bored and need to get my mind off things? I enjoy photoshoping things and creatong graphics and gifs. Can you give me something to do? Like "gif your favourite character!" "your favorite book" and so on. I am so sorry if this does not makes sense.
  2. OK, so. I have started uni recently, Biology major. And I feel so DUMB compared to other students especially during chemistry and I feel like I am blanking in classes. I am also on dorm and my social phobia makes it super hard not to mention my roommate is ... not mean but clearly thinks less of me just beacuse I do not smoke. I have all symptoms of depression (losing interest, feeling tired etc.) but all of my mental healths experts invalidate me, say I only have social phobia I cried a lot, these two weeks. I got blackout drunk and fell asleep on my dorm corridor just becase I was so desperate. I genuinely consider selfharm just to make someone take my issues seriously and its getting worse and worse and worse. Whats worst is that I have hurt my friendships too. I vent to them all the time, worry them, continue the toxic behavior I promised not to do, depend o them solely to make m mood better and they are mentally ill too I hurt them. I do not want to do it anymore, but I have no coping methods, no nothing on how to get better. It seems so hopeless. EDIT: I am sure my friends hate me now? Maybe it is a little uh, far fetched because they said they dont but I am so sure they do,
  3. I... thank ou for your words which are logical and objective, it just hurts, I know I need to get better, but positivity seems like lying to myself too much. First they said I idealize them and imagine them without their flaws which is dehumanizing. I do not understand what that meant? I did see them with their issues, with them whole but maybe I did not act like that? Apparently I was also guilt-tripping them into being my therapists, doing things they could not point out without me getting anxious and possibly suicidal. Which I do not remember? I do not remember any of it? I was trying to avoid that behavior but maybe I was so hurt that I did it anyway? Also I mentioned suicide ED and alcohol and selfharm too much but...... I thought that was fine? Our friend did the same thing and others mentioned wanting to die a lot. Maybe I just talked too much about it? Trying to emulate their behavior and not think about how it would effect them? Maybe they knew others would not do it but they knew others wouldnt do it but they saw me in that awful worsening situations and thought "I can not protect that anymore I need to protect myself first". They also tried giving me advice but I ignored that advice because.....well.... it was a generic advice I have heard before, which was bad from my side as well. But suddenly they got angry? There were more thingd there but I do not remeber it - it was too much of a shock for me. I mean we all were venting. All of us are mentally ill and they are in some awful situations as well. But I think I took it too far and started to depend on them too much without outside source of venting. My probably Asperger did it even worse.
  4. No I was too overwhelming and even toxic I can accept that. I feel so sick of myself that even looking into mirror hurts? I dont know. I dont know. They told me what I was doing wrong but I was so hurt and pained and I didnt know that I was doing wrong tthey did the same thing?....... I deserve this I know I need to get better but it hurts. OK I will try......
  5. Yea I hope :((((( I will try and get better and get more positive, just its hard. Yea..... I dont ever want to hurt people like that ever. This helpline I contacted told me that I am not selfish or narcisstic that I am just deeply sick and looking for answers and overwhelming other people but it feels fake, because I really hurt them. And I do not know if it is fair to blame them - I was too overwhelming. Yea I wil try to do something to relax.
  6. I will. I drowned myself in Discords for LGBT people so I am good for now, but it still hurts. They were my only friends for a long time and it really really hurts, especially since its my own fault, because I was drowned in my worsening mental issues. I will nit hurt myself, I hope.
  7. Thank you all for well, encouraging words, but its over. My friends officially and righteously called me out on being a toxic friend and ended their friendship and I am having mental breakdown, deep shock and well I can not communicate properly and idk how to act so, never am i going to get another friends and all seems so hopless. I have nothing left
  8. So. The political situation of America is causing me a lot of stress right now, and even though my logical side knows i can not do anything about it, or that it does not mean that is the end yet, my emotional side keeps scramling and crying. My final exams are coming up soon, in like, two or three months, and I am terrfied. I wont get an A, at least not from tests, maybe from orals, but i doubt it. And my driving test is coming up too, but I keep making silly mistakes. I dont know, I am just tired and scared and worried.
  9. I do not want to live anymore. There is just... there is nothing good in me. And I know that is what everyone thinks, but it is true. I am good at absolutely nothing in the world and.... I am no ever going to kill myself, but for some reason, I tried to (non-fatally) overdose on seratronin. Foolish, but I desperately wanted to not go to school
  10. Tina

    A feeling of uselesness

    Is it really so easy? I am ot sure... I am awful at driving and probably wont pass the exams, maturita is soon. Everything I pick up I fail at. It just hurts.
  11. Tina

    A feeling of uselesness

    I am, seratronin-based medication, I was not diagnosed with depression, just anxiety disorders
  12. Tina

    A feeling of uselesness

    In the end? Nothing, because I am not good at anything. I am not creative and I do not enjoy exercise much. There is not that I can do. I have both psychologist and psychiatrist but so far it hasnĀ“t helped at all. I am stupid, usless and this will never change. The only advice I have heard os to change my negative thoughts, but why should I if they are true?
  13. Tina

    I want to die

    I desperately wished i had the courage to kill myself. US elections fucked us all over, and I desperately wish that I was dead, so much. I feel like crying. My objective side realizes that there are things there to prevent Trump from completely fucking everything over, and that us had awful presidents and that he can not erase EVERYTHING that good people had worked for, but alas I still desperately wish to die oh my god.
  14. Tina

    I look terrible

    I am sorry I am writing again. I am really sorry. I look disqusting. My face is ugly and weird-shaped while all my friends have beautifully-shaoed faces. My legs are disgusting. I have tons of really dark body hair.
  15. Tina

    Confusion about what is going on

    I am actuallly terrible in my own language- it is very hard and not logical..... But I will try to keep in my that I know English half decently.
  16. I feel happy sometimes but when I start thinking about myself I just think about how I have no talents, how slow I am, how uncreative and unfunny I am. It feels that I am just manipulating everyone into feeling sorry for me. I often want to talk about myself, and I feel so narcissistic sometimes. I hate people who can do something good and yet they complain that the are untalented and terrible, and I have a tendency to dislike "perfect" character (i.e. miranda lawson from mass effect and hermione granger) i have problems writing character flaws of ANY kind for my characters because the entire concept unnerves me. I don't know my symptoms properly, all experts I visit just tell me it is probably just an extended puberty. I feel angry and anxious for stupidest things (I felt so terrified during school ending ceremony, i hate it when we discuss communism because teacher mentions "scientific atheism" at least 7 times, when people say dragon age inquisition was the worst game, I actually feel like crying because it is important to me) These days I cry almost every day and have depressive moods. However, I can not have depression. Symptoms dont add up. I feel so stupid. My friend is already learning for her acceptance exams, and I am not. Sometimes I honestly wish that at least someone would catcall me or... I don't know show some interest in me (sometimes i even think that rape would be good, only one person showing interest in me). I speak quickly, often forgets words and I am terrible at following instruction. I dont know what mental illness i have. Do I even have one? I feel so tired and hopeless, medication does not work, self-help books does not work and I dont know what am I supposed to do.
  17. Tina

    Confusion about what is going on

    Both of you may be right. I am sorry, this does sounds like a problem that is happening to me, but still i am unsure. My thought and memories and jumbled and they do not make sense to me sometimes, so my motivations for feeling a certain way are all... lost. However, I am worried that no volunteering job for me, or sport activity (except for cycling maybe). I live in small village, and the only town in area is really small. The job opportunities are sparse - east Slovakia is easily one of the least economically developed parts of my country. Plus all volunteering jobs in area want for 18+ people - and I would have to commune. That, combined with the fact I not only have final exams next year, but I am also participating in "high school activity" (30 page essay on a certain topic from a lesson, i am choosing either biology or chemistry), means that I already have my schedule full. Also, I want to take English exams at C1 level, and that means that I have to study extra hard. I already know what I want to do. I want to be researcher. I love science, I love learning about new things. However, I feel so stupid sometimes. I am also terrible at learning - I am trying to force myself to sit down and just do it, but my mind wanders. I know that I will learn necessary things at the university of my choice, but I feel sometimes that I should already know the stuff I know that talents have a tendency to show up later in life, but it feels so unfair. I see people making creative things and great things, and here am I sitting, doing nothing.
  18. Tina

    Confusion about what is going on

    I did not tell her about suicidal ideation. My psychologist knows but just said that I need to depend on my faith (even though I have informed her that I am an atheist). And its not exactly a schoolwork? We are having summer holiday. I just feel guilty for not learning, because we have final exams next year and I am already panicking. But I can not bring myself to learn for some reason, even though I am interested in Biology and Chemistry. And it is not an obsession with video game per se, but my reaction to how other view it? I noticed that I always want people to agree with me and it feels terrible when they do not. It makes me feel that I can not properly evaluate things. Or something. I am so sorry. I am so confused by this.
  19. Tina

    Confusion about what is going on

    i already do. i begged her to give me something better than my medication that is only for social anxiety (and does not work anyway) but she says she does not want to risk negative effects... And noone says is depressiom, I was told that my mood shifts are just a puberty (i am 17) and that everything is affected by my age.
  20. Tina

    Confusion about what is going on

    Yes. It takes me a long time to fell asleep, and I feel sleepy whole day, but I sleep well
  21. Tina

    I am just tired

    We voted to have faschist in government, UK just split from EU, and US is going to be a mess. I am honestly tired of living. It seems that the world is not going to get better. My decision to learn just English is seriously terrible right now ( I am bad at languages). I do not know what to do with my life now. I do not want to be around anymore.
  22. Tina

    I look terrible

    Buddy, I wish I could have the hair length of my mom, but my hair stops growing somewhere along my neck. I mean no disrespect! It is just that I am little touchy about the length.
  23. Tina

    I look terrible

    Thanks everyone? It is just so hard to think I am pretty sometimes. My face is...ugh. All my photos are terrible. I look like a mass murderer. Is it fine if I share what I mean? My hair is shorter now.
  24. Tina

    I am just tired

    One blog on tumblr I follow constantly posts thing about Brexit and Trump, and their one post wa we should have all died in 2012. I am terrified of what the world may become. Id rather die than to see it.
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