Like the title suggests, I'm a mess. And I'm not doing very well.
I've been fighting with my generalized anxiety and depression for 10 years, but was diagnosed 3 years ago.
I'm a university student -taking my sweet time but I'm doing it- and I was with a man I was sure I'd marry. I was medicated. I thought I was doing alright. Certainly not great, but I was managing. I would have panic attacks for no apparent reason, I didn't particularly want to get out of bed, but I was still doing relatively okay. I hadn't hurt myself in over 5 years.
Side note : I have severe tinnitus. There is a ringing in my ears, 24/7 and I have not habituated even though it has been my constant, aggravating companion for the majority of my life. Essentially, my anxiety and depression makes me want to be alone, but the silence that comes with it drives me insane, because I don't get to have silence. Ever. It's been documented that people have commit suicide from the unbearable ringing. And a lot of days, I totally get it.
Back on track. After 5 and a half years, he dumped me. Out of nowhere. To figure out "who he is". His Quarter Life Crisis sent me reeling. I went through most of my teenage years never expecting to let myself live long enough having a future. With him, I had come to want one. We had plans. For our house, our pets, our kids. And it was gone. To add insult to injury, my baby sister and her boyfriend are talking engagement.
I lost all my friends eons ago. I have my family, but my sister is self absorbed, my father has no patience for anyone and turns any sort of complaint into a competition for who is suffering more and my mom is under the verge of collapse from stress. They're there, but either not in the capacity that I need, or have so much that I'm unwilling to burden them any more.
I'm off my medication. After he dumped me, the misery of withdrawal was nothing. I feel the same off or on it anyways.
I don't want to kill myself. I just hope that I won't wake up in the morning. Or that tomorrow I'll be diagnosed with something terminal. I hate myself for thinking that because I know people in those situations that would give anything to live. But I would trade them if I could.
Anyways, if you actually read this, I'm thankful that you took the time, and ashamed that I made you waste it on me.