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About constantlybloatedandsad

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  1. constantlybloatedandsad

    growing up with depression

    I feel like I'm in limbo. I've been suffering from major depression and anxiety since the age of 15 (this was when I was diagnosed but I had been showing signs and symptoms earlier on) so consequently it has impacted my formative years gravely. I attempted to end my life at 15 and ever since then it has been an uphill battle. I wasn't able to complete school because of the debilitating nature of the illness. Everyday was a battle to get out of bed and once I actually got to school I would be met by intense anxiety attacks. Therapy and medication helped but in the end I pulled out. It was too much, and my parents wanted to give me time to recover. I'm now entering into my twenties and I'm managing my symptoms and episodes, but I feel at loss with what to do with my life when so much of it has been spent trying to recover and survive. When people ask me what I do I'm ashamed to reply with "nothing" because mental illness has sapped me from any form of hobbies. I used to paint and sculpt but now I feel incompetent and drained of any creative ambitions. Since I haven't completed year 12 I haven't had the opportunity to apply to uni since entry requirements demand an atar (I live in Australia so thats our exam scoring system) I know I could apply to pathways but I honestly don't even know what career I want/if I even want one. I feel so bewildered and useless. I don't know how to function in the "real" world because I've spent so many years just trying to survive. Now when I feel like I could almost contribute to the world I'm met with an existential crises. Has anyone gone through something similar? and how did you find meaning/purpose?