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scruffycat last won the day on June 25 2017

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  1. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to write this. I still feel horrible, but slightly more hopeful. I don't know if everything will work out but I'll try. Thanks for the support.
  2. Alright, I'm sorry for misunderstanding. I have thought about admitting myself to hospital, but I'm scared. I don't wanna be stuck there forever. But I'm running out of options. I just want a normal life without having to second guess every single thing I do.
  3. Hearing you say I didn't molest my nephew does make me feel somewhat better, but at the same time, you also said ''to protect others you need to be hospitalized'' suggesting that I might do something one day. So then I probably should kill myself.
  4. Please... I know I'm a whiny bastard and I'm sorry. But I don't know what to do anymore.
  5. You're all so nice. But everything's just effed up right now. My mom is away in Greece for two weeks, and my kind brother says I can stay with him and his family if I want - but that just makes it worse, since he has a toddler, and everytime I play with him I just get scared I'm gonna hurt him. And he gets so sad if auntie won't play with him - but how could you explain POCD to a two-year-old? I stayed the night yesterday anyway because I was about to kill myself, and I did something disgusting. When I was playing with my nephew, I poked him briefly on the front of his pants to show myself it doesn't make me a child molester but now I feel horrible. My brother and his wife also recently had another baby, and when he was lying in his stroller I thought about doing the same to him to again confirm it didn't mean anything. I ended up not doing it, but still. Don't you understand? I'm a monster. How could I do this?
  6. I'm sorry. I do want help but I dont think its possible. I think Im going to kill myself now before I chicken out. thanks for trying to help me.
  7. I just want someone to help me. But it's impossible isn't it?
  8. Hi, I'm sorry that I just vanished like that. It was shitty of me to just up and disappear after posting these things. I guess I'm just convinced nobody can help me. I want to live, I really do. But I'm just too far gone. I know I'll act on these intrusive thoughts eventually. Everybody's just telling me lies and I can't understand why. I am a monster and I need to kill myself to protect everyone else. The only problem is I'm too much of a coward to end it all. But I think eventually I'll get the courage to do it. I don't know why I'm posting here, no one can change my mind anyway....
  9. Thank you all for your kind replies.... when I read them, the rational voice in my head tells me ''of course they're right, you've never done anything and you never will'' but I'm so scared. Deep down, I know the thoughts are not real. But it's like... I don't know. Maybe they will become real because I think about them so much? I know I'm not making sense. I've taken fluoxetine since I was 16 (23 now) and the OCD became easier to cope with at first, but recently it's started getting worse again. I'm just so scared. I mean, I've done bad things before. In 4th grade, a boy was bullying me, and after a while I just saw red, gripped him by the collar and started pulling. He told me to stop because I was choking him, and the only thought that ran through my head was ''good''. A teacher had to come pull me off him. There's other things but that one stands out to me because I was so young. Of course, that was not OCD related, but it was still horrible. Sorry for the long text...
  10. Please I know you're all busy but I can't take this
  11. It's so easy. Imagine I'm holding my nephew. All it would take is for my hand to move a few centimeters and I'd be touching the front of his diaper. Writing that makes me feel so fucking horribly gross but it's true. And then I'd be a child molester. If I held a knife in my hand and someone stood next to me, all it would take is one slash, one flick of the wrist, and that person would be dead. And I'd be a murderer.
  12. I do take medication. People tell me I will never act on the thoughts. But I know it's bullshit. I am dangerous. If others have acted on their OCD, then so can I.
  13. Im afraid because if i play with my nephew im scared ill molest him. If i see a Child on The street i get horrible thoughts and think im a pedophile. If i see a cute animal i think ill molest it. I dont want to do any of these things but im pretty sure it doesnt matter. I talked to a therapist Who told me some people with OCD do in fact act on their thoughts. Theres no hope for me
  14. I just can't do this. whatever i do, i have to think twice because im scared ill do something horrible. i can't even play with my nephew. i can't live like this its not worth it
  15. I'm sorry I'll kill myself now. I know it's horrible but I can't be trusted. i'm gonna go out. maybe i'll find the strength to reconsider. i don't wanna die. but i cant do this anymore
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