So, I'll try to keep this as short as possible: I've recently come to the point where I am beginning to wonder if I have to face having been sexually abused as a child. Over the past two years I've begun experiencing moment and situations that are terrifyingly suggestive.
It all started during a period of depression, which at the time I wasn't aware/didn't acknowledge myself. One day, feeling especially shit, out of nowhere the thought: "Could sexual abuse have happened to me as a child?"; followed by my first ever panic attack and paralysis/dissociation. This was followed by a dream, in which, out of a hole dug on a construction site a male, aggressive creature emerges with shining white eyes, me being terrified, engulfed in the white light and it all turning black and me just 'knowing' and now it happens.
Finally acknowledging I was in a depression I took a break and for a whole year focusing on getting myself better, which invovled therapy both ambulant as well as stationary in a psycho-somatic clinic specialised in depression for 3 months. Over the cause of my depression and slow progress panic attacks and paralysis/dissociation resurfaced several times, unconnected to the initial source of the thought.
However getting to know myself, realising that I had locked away certain emotions because at the time they were too painful and had only always really tried to model my identity the way my closest expected it, I found lots of me and recovered a good amount of my memory. (My family situation was neglectful and filled with (involuntary) emotional abuse). And before finally finding to myself in that tim, I always had a feeling that a proper path of my life was missing. My life essentially began with 14. Some foggy memories but not coherent in any way.
During this time in the clinic I had two experiences I was surprised by myself and that could be suggestive. The first: I shared my room with a roommate. One night, feeling especilly tense I woke up and felt tense and terrified, not particularly of him but the fact of him being a 'male' presence. As he then in sleep finally began moving, my body basically reacted on it's own and, breathing heavily, I ran out. Only really realising I did so once I was standing in the hallway.
The second time was also in a clinic. I went to the sauna with a friend I made there. He was gay which I knew and didn't find a problem. But then it was just the two of us in the sauna and I felt again incredibly tense. And in a similar fashion as before, he stopped being a friend but a hostile, sexual male presence that felt like it was longing for me, while I was very clearly aware that it wasn't his person. I eventually escaped keeping up appearences and went into the shower in which I again froze and dissociated, trying to get away as quick as possible, incapable of moving and images of 'him' coming after me and taking me from behind, pressed against the wall. It passed eventually and I left and was treated perfectly by the nurses there that managed to calm me down and my friend was my friend again, not the predator I saw in that moment.
I want to note: While I mentioned it during the therapy once I also made specifically clear that this is not what my focus is at this time; as I'm aware that there is such a thing as 'false memory'. These events happened independently from the actual therapy, though during a time I was especially focused on myself.
The last indication was when I was back studying again. I had overcome my depression I had found and become myself, as I am now, yet my memories are still not complete.
It was when I was in the bath, meditating, and thinking about sex and love (an issue for me). Imagining a girl I liked at the time just being sensual not even sexual. And suddenly in my mind the image of a 40 something quite masculine man appeared saying: 'This is not what you want. You want to be submissive...suck my dick. That's what you want. That's what you are'. In my mind 'fighting' whith this phantom and getting to the point of: 'No this is not what I want. How dare you'. Which then was followed by an unknown rage before, followed by a night run with punching objects.
All throughout that depression I felt lke thre was a point in my life where I scattered. This depression and the year solving it for me was putting the pieces together back into the frame. The picture is almost complete but something of me is still missing.
My relationship to sex is rather peculiar. I discovered masturbation by imagining me transforming into a prisoner-like character but also more masculine; from nerd to jock, who always was in the position of being controlled. I had a girlfriend but she often manipulated me into sex, and the last time I was with a girl I really liked, I couldn't maintain or even get up. Instead I've started 'trying' out sexual thoughts with guys, which ultimately always end in submission fantasies which feel like I almost go into a kind of 'non-existence' or even deny my own identity. And the time I actually made myself try to experience sex with a man I did not enjoy the actual physical experience yet still become aroused by the thought of control and submission.
I don't know what I expect from this. Typing all this out certainly becomes raher suggestive yet, I STILL am rather hesitant, as I don't KNOW and have no recollection of such an event. Yet, I have the feeling of not being complete and KNOWING that there is part of my memories missing. All I have are those indications that have begun to be put more into my focus. So, I guess I'm somehow reaching out in hope to find...confirmation possibly? An assessment? I don't know myself. But if you have something constructive to share, or offer any help with this I'd appreciate it.
I'm at the point where I know I am strong enough to go through suffering. I went through that heavy depression. I just want to KNOW. So I can actually begin the fight and finally, completely and utterly be me.