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uptight outasight

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uptight outasight last won the day on January 26

uptight outasight had the most liked content!

About uptight outasight

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    Senior Member

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    New York
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    Small Penis Syndrome
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    Lloyd Baker

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  1. Reading my own writing above and in the Bullying area, I can see that, although there is no denying my penis is definitely small, my sps is due as much to projecting my lack of stereotypical masculinity on my penis as it is my penis itself. My personality was definitely more objectively embarrassing than my penis.
  2. Probably my mother didn't do that "just to embarrass me." That's how it effected me, though. I was already afraid the girls thought I was a "queer". That confirmed it, making it totally impossible for me to approach any of them like I would have liked to do. She simply could not accept my nature, felt guilty she was responsible for causing my nature, and out-of-control obsessed about doing something to correct my deficits. She was also impulsive due to her continuing quite excessive use of amphetamines. Once she said maybe she should send me to a psychiatrist or psychologist, but added, "they always blame the mother", and so, didn't! What did she expect me to say? Send me anyway? Or, that's OK, don't send me? Actually, all I remember wanting was for her and my father to leave me alone and stop pushing me. I was always happy by myself! Looking back, I can now see that my mother pushed my father into constantly "doing something" to fix me which always consisted in forcing me into organized sports. When I left Little League fairly successful, my lack of puberty at 13 barred my acceptance by the existing coaches in the more advanced leagues. So, again, my father used his financial influence to get control of teams and repeatedly made spots for me. The insanity never stopped. Oddly, when I finally began to mature at about 16-17 I became a pretty good player and attracted the attention of major league talent scouts which landed me on a freshman team at a major university. When I discovered the team took a winter trip to warm weather colleges for practice games, I started dreading that I would have to socialize at the athletic fraternities with my team mates. Everyone but me couldn't wait, because they said it was like a "sex vacation". Having never dated, I felt I would look the fool and quit, to the rage of my parents who never learned the real reason. I just told them I wasn't doing very well by comparison to the other guys. There was truth in that! A large % of the team actually made the major leagues, BTW. You might recognize some of their names if you followed baseball around 1970.
  3. Yeah, I think my upbringing was a rarity, but so was my extreme anti-social nature. I was aware of many parents pushing their sons very hard to be successful in athletics, but not with an extremely shy, anti-social kid. My parents were ALSO upset I didn't want anything nor want to do anything nor have any ambitions. Here is a weird one: I was paid for doing chores on our semi-rural property with the idea that when I became a teen I should have money for dating, etc. Of course, I had a very late puberty and, therefore, never dated until my last year of College when I started drinking! My mother harassed me about that though my father didn't (I guess because he never dated until he was 30.) Just to embarrass me completely, my mother once approached the bevy a cheerleaders after one of my basketball games and asked why none of them ever dated me? Stunned, one volunteered I didn't seem interested, implying I might be "a queer". My mother alternated between denying I was behind in sexual development and claiming it didn't matter. Perhaps she secretly feared I was "a queer". I've suspected and she might have known that my father had a secret homosexual side, not dating women until he was 30 and spending a lot of time at the YMCA. I guess I should give my mom a break. She was a pill head and often inappropriate!
  4. Interesting. My mother was quite masculine. She didn't hate men exactly, but resented them if they were more dominant than her. She even said she wished she were a man from the perspective "It's a man's world." She liked hunting and other masculine activities. She looked masculine. She actually often wore combat boots. Back then, a common put down was to say, "Your mother wears combat boots!" Uh, maybe that she was a gym teachers says all you need to know. My father was very aggressive in certain spheres, sports and business, but not with women. He never had a date with a woman until he was 30. His penis appeared very small flaccid as did mine. He compensated, I think, by being very physical and a leader in sports, on the job, and in business. My mother appeared to have initiated their relatioship: a man she could dominate to an extent?
  5. Probably should have mentioned my mother was a gym teacher who quit work to have kids. Also, her amphetamine addiction resulted in sleep paralysis "spells" not acceptable for a teacher! She convinced doctors she had narcolepsy and needed amphetamines to function. Amphetamines were not strongly regulated back then. Because I was afraid my mother would show-up at recess and catch me with the sissies, I would stand near the boys when they were organizing for a game and they would usually include me especially when they discovered I wasn't a basket case as far as skills went in baseball, football and basketball. That summer after 4th grade my parents insisted I join "little league" baseball. I fought and cried and had tantrums to avoid it as I knew I would be humiliated. I even hid when the time came. I was rejected by all the coaches because, obviously, I lacked the personality for team sport participation. So, my father became a coach with my mother as his assistant and formed a new team so I could play! By the summer after 6th grade, I was one of the best pitchers in the "major" league of "little league" and we won the championship. . . totally absurd! I never joined in the camaraderie with any of the other kids on the team. My father used his influence to get a lot of good players. After winning, we had a swimming party at our sponsor's mansion. He had an indoor pool. Yeah, I noticed all the boys had larger penises than me when we changed, but it wasn't a huge issue yet--I noticed none maturing yet. They joked among themselves about penis size, but didn't target me probably because they feared my parents. Each team had a commercial sponsor to help pay expenses. My father began to control the league by using his contacts to obtain sponsors.
  6. Here is an embarrassing story that illustrates "how I was" as a kid. I don't think I've ever recounted it or a similar incident to anyone prior to this. Normally, I avoid thinking about it: A stereotypical incident: I recall back in 4th grade, not joining in baseball, basketball or football play at recess but, instead, walking around talking or watching with so-called brainy sissies. I remember my mother being outraged when she stopped at the school for a meeting or something and became aware of this behavior. She focused on the fact I was actually fairly good at baseball, so there was no reason for that behavior. She rejected the sissies because they all "threw like girls." She embarrassed me terribly by forcing me into the informal scrub baseball game my peers were enjoying. After that I made efforts to be included and often was though it was very difficult for me especially as I was thereafter tagged as a Moma's boy and ridiculed for hanging out with the sissies. Exactly opposite results sought by my mother! Many similar things happened over the years
  7. How you feel matters, but I well understand it might not change your life much. If you react anything like I did you would be happier even if your life course is set.
  8. You have to manipulate your doctor to an extent. You will get nowhere saying you want to be more naturally aggressive. It seems accepted to say your sexual libido is flagging. Generally, they won't ask for details about what you mean, but you can say you just don't feel like sex anymore since you aged. Testosterone supplementation is thought "OK" to compensate for the decline that occurs as many men age.
  9. In America you pretty much have to go to a urologist, but not necessarily. The first Dr. that tested me and prescribed supplementation was an Internist and also my Primary Care Physician. On a 200 to 900 scale, I was 175 at 55 years of age. . . my libido was declining. I must have been higher when younger, but based on my problems (above), not much. It isn't discussed much, but the 200 to 900 scale is an indication of how much masculinity varies in men. I'm talking objective masculinity that responds at various stages of development to testosterone, not socially constructed masculinity. Of course, "moderns" like to think masculinity is 100% social construction! If so, why do transgender men (biological women) take testosterone and transgender women take estrogen? Of course, many things like genital size react in response to testosterone only at specific periods: in the uterus and puberty.
  10. In my view when you postulate Factor X you are talking about hormonal sufficiency, literally, JUICE, the relentless pleasure in aggressiveness: happy combativeness. I had to fake what little I had by imitating others for most of my life. When I supplemented after finding I was very low testosterone at about 55, I was amazed at the difference. Anxiety, fearfulness, worry, sadness, despondency suddenly gone. And that while still burdened with a lifetime of timid habits. Unfortunately too late to change the course of my life much. I remember thinking, "Why can't I enjoy the fight like other men seem to?" Low masculinity, low testosterone guys are NOT meant to be killed or die off, but are meant to serve the alphas and betas by being a delta or omega. The compulsive rebelliousness of gamas might lead to dangerous conflict with the alphas and betas, however.
  11. Yes. Quite a few men descend into drink, drugs or suicide when they can no longer "do" or become convinced they never can do. . . Part of their tactics in fighting for the status of doing is downing the other guy, often based on masculinity criterion. . . though it could be anything at hand. They say the opiod crisis clusters geographically around closed manufacturing. But, again, it's not that nobody cares about men. They care about what particular men can do. . . .admittedly a bit different. Men who can are worshiped.
  12. Oh, now I caught myself rationalizing above. I think the actuality is that no one cares about men of low masculinity (like me). With that, I agree! Men with high masculinity are worshiped as heroes and their trespasses against the weaker excused! Except for the years 12, 13, 14, 15 (my stunted puberty) I could put up a somewhat reasonable "front" of being too masculine to attract bullies. Even then, there were instances, however.
  13. I don't think your generalization that no one cares about men follows or is especially relevant to the problem of bullying. A lot of men are bullies and should NOT be cared about! My parents never saw an extreme incident of me being bullied, but did see some minor disrespectful stuff. They advised learning fighting techniques, but were in denial about my lack of physical maturity that would have made such efforts pretty futile at that point. I was bullied for a time when my slow, late puberty created a major disparity with the rougher, athletic guys my parents forced me to compete with in organized sports. I've recently remembered some really embarrassing wrestling incidents when I was 12 or 13 with no sign of puberty. I remembered being defeated wrestling, but not the humiliating emotions until recently. At the time, somehow, I congratulated myself for "doing my best" and tried to blot-out the humiliation and loss of self-esteem. Suddenly, I was no match for a number of my peers and I was targeted for domination by a number of rapidly maturing guys. Clearly, it was sexual for my tormentors though I was too naive to understand lustful sexual impulses at the time. Since it was in public, playgrounds or swimming pools, it didn't go all that far. Basically, I was made to feel their erections in various helpless positions. The worst was a guy that kneeled on my arms with his crotch inches from my face, grinning and taunting me for what seemed like forever. Everybody thought that was funny, but eventually his buddies told him to let me up, warning him he'd get in trouble. Apparently, he was lost in enjoying the sexual feelings. Yeah, this was not friendly wrestling. My actual friends were intellectual, studious, moralistic types. Sex wasn't hardly broached with them. I quickly learned not to hang at all with the guys I was forced to deal with in organized athletics.
  14. Hopefully, radiology is populated by a more decent array of people than contracting. In contracting you deal with usually corrupt business and government people that hold the purse strings. And, of course, often knuckle dragging workers and labor union leaders to say nothing maintenance staffs with hands-out. Even the Mafia came into the picture periodically.
  15. I remember hearing on a news broadcast that so and so famous athlete had alway been a stand-out physically and athletically, "A boy any father would be proud to have." I remember that sticking in my craw. . . "Right! My parents have to lie to be proud of me."
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