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uptight outasight

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uptight outasight last won the day on January 18

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About uptight outasight

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    Male
  • Location
    New York
  • Interests
    Small Penis Syndrome
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    Lloyd Baker

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  1. I remember hearing on a news broadcast that so and so famous athlete had alway been a stand-out physically and athletically, "A boy any father would be proud to have." I remember that sticking in my craw. . . "Right! My parents have to lie to be proud of me."
  2. No. They claimed I was rebelling, trying to thwart them purposely, while they denied I was different than normal: shy, withdrawn, solitary, lacking the spontaneity obvious in other kids. Recently, I've watched some grandchildren and can recall growing up with younger cousins. No way ANYTHING could restrain their natural exuberance. You'd need to chain them up to get them to be withdrawn like I was. They'd be pulling on their chains to join other kids playing. Parents friends and relatives all thought there was something wrong with me. Actually, my mother admitted at times she used, while pregnant, amphetamines which she started using during WWII while a "navy wife" while pregnant. Amphetamines are testosterone antagonist. So in addition to acting on her marriage dream she acted out of guilt.
  3. I've never really pondered this previously though I've thought about parts of it. Actually writing it down for "public consumption" has dramatic subjective results. Somehow, my parents conditioned me to base my self-esteem, self-concept etc. on their dream for me. If I would have been a more typical kid, not severely shy and withdrawn, their conditioning might have resulted in an obsessively competitive kid, eager to actualize their dream. I have seen this in others. Or did I rebel against their programming very early?
  4. You don't say how many women you have been with. Sounds like not very many. I think you will find she is not typical and, as you said, perhaps not that interested in sex though she accommodated you. Your focus on oral sex is interesting. I was always disappointed none of my sex partners seemed interested in my penis. However, I might have discouraged some from showing interest by being negative about it myself.
  5. The cognitive dissonance and anxiety was very great. No wonder I binged on liquor so frequently to make socialization and sex possible. Some others, no doubt, suffer parents that are far less supportive or more directly damaging. I guess every relationship with parents is unique. I imagine, some parents must be more effectively supportive and avoid imposing their mentality. But, how do mentally unbalanced parents not impose their unbalance? I always kind of laugh inwardly when people say that kids need a father and a mother, like that will solve everything regardless of what the parents are like..
  6. After a crisis of disappointment when I dropped out of "serious" athletics as a College Sophomore, everything settled down. They more or less dropped their fanaticism and things became less intense. Basically, they didn't know that much about what was going on in my life except marriage, divorce, re-marriage, a crisis when I had to stop drinking so much alcohol, and a business crisis. To the extent they knew what was happening in my life, they continued to apply their usual mentality, but without the fanaticism they felt about athletics. Looking back, I can see their early conditioning continued to determine and undermine me and determine my SPS. Part of the problem is that I was addicted to the unrealistic "hopes" and "arrogance" they had about me. It was verboten to admit physical/ mental limitations and handicaps including my small penis. They passed away almost 20 years ago, now.
  7. My parents viewed themselves as athletes though their accomplishments were relatively modest. Their marriage was based on the dream their son, me, would be a rough and tumble athletic enthusiast also. When it turned out I was constitutionally very different than that, ie. pathologicall shy and withdrawn, inherently incapable of meeting their dream they went into denial. Instead of recognizing I was constitutionally far from their dreams and letting me evolve accordingly, they decided that, by nature (inheritance) I was fine, but my deficits were due to defective WILL power. Thus, they constantly harped on how inherently perfect and superior I was, but, at the same time, how I was failing completely by lack of will power to actualize my potential. Thus, I came to believe myself near perfect, but utterly failing at the same time. I have come to see this as an unconscious form of "gaslighting": a psychological manipulation that made me increasingly mentally ill in many respects. I clung to the idea I was inherently near perfect, but totally condemned myself at the same time for failing to even approach reaching my potential. SPS was only an aspect of this.
  8. Interesting that you said "played." Did you not feel natural in the role? I ran a contracting business for almost 20 years. Never felt right. Many things an alpha would have handled FIRST never got done or got done half assed.
  9. That's good. Hate should be reserved for particular individuals who really deserve it!
  10. No idea why you ended it? Not quite the reaction you had hoped for in sex? Or other consideration? There is a lot about people to accept or reject besides their sexual behavior!
  11. Actually in both my 1 and only 1 homosexual experiment and in quite a number of heterosexual ones. I was open to being submissive for a dominant, but always gravely disappointed each dominant took it too seriously. None of them could see it as merely a game. So, I would drop them fairly quickly. At first it was satisfying to provide dramatic orgasm for the partner, but, then, the relationship would become "one way." I should have known immediately by comparing their so so reactions in our prior "vanilla" sex to the dramatic reaction to dominant - submissive sex. No wonder. They didn't want a submissive for fun, but for real.
  12. Yes, partners who wanted to move to a one sided dominant relationship with me as the submissive.
  13. Micropenis is defined, I believe, a 2.75" erect.
  14. Lying vs rationalization is often not easy for either partner to distinguish. An experienced woman might lie, thinking men are hopelessly sensitive. Inexperienced women might be confused themselves. The woman might feel sex shouldn't be all that central to the relationship or the opposite!
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