Sorry if any of this is too much to share. I had to get these experiences off my chest. I'm hoping to do another one of these with adult horror stories, but for those of you wondering how sps takes shape in someone, these are adolescent experiences that I'm pretty sure contributed for me. There's more than this, but at least it's a start. I haven't shared a lot of this, so no idea why I'm compelled to share it here. Such a fucking depressing trip down memory lane.
1. My first experience thinking about size was trying to show off the massiveness of my boner through a towel to some friends while at camp around my 12th birthday. Their nonchalant reaction (“yeah, so!”) to what I thought was this kind of incredible expansion my dick could do was maybe the first faint wind of a looming shitstorm of adolescent horrors and disappointments. It was a window into the idea that maybe in some areas I wasn’t the specially chosen golden child I was so often told I was.
2. Summer before 8th grade, I went to a sleep away camp where showers were just a big open room. I was petrified of the prospect, and as such I avoided them, preferring to either not shower or to do so at weird off-hours when nobody was around. One day I was messing around with two good friends and we collectively decided we were all going to go shower, so I finally got up the courage to do it. I went in first, naked, and was pretty surprised when they followed by coming in wearing their bathing suits. Apparently that’s how everybody did it at this camp. So I was in there naked while my two friends were in there in bathing suits, them seeing me and me not seeing them. It definitely changed the demeanor of the room. It wasn’t a size put-down and they never mentioned it outside that day, but that nagging feeling of embarrassment knowing they knew what I looked like naked and could theoretically tell anyone at any time stung pretty strong. Again, faint, but a primer for more to come.
3. Later that same summer I was volunteering as a “counselor in training” at the summer day camp for kids at my school. I went to a Catholic school where we had to do a shitton of community service hours, and this was going to count for that, plus it was a way for my parents to get away with sending me to a camp I was too old for, which they had to do because they didn’t feel comfortable leaving me alone at home. Anyway, all the teachers at the camp were women, so when everybody would change into their bathing suits for swimming (we did so in empty classrooms rather than in the bathroom since there were so many people), I was always stuck with monitoring the room where the boys changed. I really did my best never to look, and most people were pretty private about it anyway, but there was this one kid who would make a point of running around the room naked until you threatened him with punishments if he didn’t stop and put his suit on. Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice, and, I guess it shouldn’t have been too surprising since I hadn’t hit puberty yet, but even though I knew nothing really about the importance of size at this point, I definitely noticed the fact that this kid who was half my body size at best and half my age had a flaccid endowment that was at least as big as mine and probably bigger. Other than being surprising it didn’t impact me a ton because I wasn’t yet aware of how important size was, but I definitely noticed it and found it kind of surprising and humbling.
4. That wouldn’t on its own have been so bad if I hadn’t also spent a week at my cousins’ house later that same summer, where I accidentally saw my 2-years-younger cousin naked running to the bathroom. Although he was also younger, I noticed that his also seemed at least as big as mine, maybe bigger.
5. Eighth grade was a confusing time because I got mixed messages. I definitely woke up to the fact that size was something that mattered, a lot, because guys were starting to talk about it. On the one hand I’d heard on TV a joke about someone being 2 inches and the commentator marveling as though that was big. I wasn’t sure if they were joking or not, because that didn’t me seem to be that joke-worthy either way. I was bigger than that, though, so I wondered if I was actually big and those other two experiences were just a blip. Plus on the first day of school one of the guys in my grade Charlie and I were standing at the urinal after gym class. After joking that he still had a girl’s saliva on his dick, he looked over at mine and shouted, “What do you do with that thing?”, as though it was really big. It was obviously a joke, but it confused me because the whole rest of that year I kept noticing bulges in the gym class locker room, pretty much all of which were bigger than mine. So I wasn’t totally sure and was definitely holding out hope that I was gonna have a big dick. I still didn’t realize totally why it mattered yet.
6. Our 8th grade class did the standard pilgrimage to Washington, DC during the year and part of our trip was having to line up by height for our standard class picture in front of the monuments. I’d always assumed there were 1 or 2 kids shorter than me in my grade, but as pretty much everyone except me was now hitting puberty one of the teachers lined us up back to back and decided I was now shorter than my height rival Joey (2nd shortest), so I was on the end in our picture. I’m above average height as an adult but at the time it was mortifying to be the shortest kid in the grade. Not about dick size, obviously, but it definitely was part of framing the mindset.
7. I played sports, and was never a superstar but also wasn’t terrible at them. In 8th grade basketball I was the only kid on the team who didn’t score a point the whole season, atypical for me and largely because I was getting my ass kicked by kids who were well into puberty, but definitely made me feel small compared to them. Again not about dick size but something humbling that helped frame the mindset.
8. Toward the end of the year they had a special ceremony in the church in front of all our parents for induction to the National Junior Honor Society. School ended at like 3 and the ceremony wasn’t until like 5:30 so they had us hang out in one teacher’s room for the time in between. While there two kids, Andrew (a different one) and Austin, basically spent the whole time beating me up, trying to rip my blazer, and generally bullying me. I appealed to the teacher for help, but they just laughed it off as us messing around. I felt really helpless in the arms of those assholes, and I’m sure ended up looking all disheveled for the event. Feeling like prey became a familiar feeling.
9. At the end of the year they held an 8th grade graduation party for us at some country club somewhere. The one thing I remember about this is I went to the bathroom at some point and was at the urinal next to another guy from my grade, Matt. Matt was similar to me in many ways, but clearly downstairs he was much more generously gifted.
10. The summer after 8th grade I was trying to get a head start on high school credits by taking summer gym, which would open up my schedule in the fall to take band (yeah, I was a nerd). Anyway, one of my friends in summer gym was a kid from my grade named Jared. We were sitting around joking one day, trying to one-up each other in various ways. We were messing around with a bunch of ripped up paper towels so just for kicks I crumpled a few of them up into a dick-sized shape, which Jared joked was really small. In response I told him that wasn’t mine, and that mine was “this big” (grabbing a bunch more paper towels so as to create what seemed to me to be a ridiculously big simulated dick made out of paper towels). He seemed a bit perplexed and said something like “that’s not that big either, bro”. I was confused. It never went any further than that, but it definitely made me wonder.
11. I then went to a camp that summer, actually the same camp I’d previously gone to with the open shower rooms. I was pretty used to sneaking off at odd times to shower, and did so one day and was pretty startled and embarrassed when one of the counselors came in to shower at that time also after I was already in there. He probably wanted to shower at a time when it wasn’t going to be full of campers playing stupid games and flicking soap at each other. The counselors weren’t that much older than us – probably end of high school/early college age. Anyway, he and I were both naked. He was obviously “grown up” and had pubes and everything while I was still bald as a jay bird, but realizing just how much bigger he was than me was eye-opening. I chalked it up to late development still, but it didn’t make me feel great, and definitely made me sheepish around him for the rest of the camp.
12. I went to a lot of camps in the summers, including another camp that summer before 9th grade where we stayed on the campus of a local university and each had a fellow camper as a roommate in the dorms. My roommate was pretty cool, a kid named Ben who was also going into 9th grade. We talked a lot about baseball and also over the course of the summer got more comfortable talking about crushes and sex and our experiences, etc. One day he just out and out asked me how big my dick was. Under the covers I measured myself and told him the (exaggerated) figure of 4 inches. “Well if yours is 4 then mine has to be at least 5”, he blurted out. I was so pissed off at his presumptiveness. For one thing, why the hell would he just assume he had a bigger dick than me? More concerningly, what kind of small dick vibes was I giving off? As it turned out he was right. He came up with 5.5” as his measurement, which clearly blew mine out of the water. I was pretty resigned after that. It was disappointing, as I was slowly coming to terms with the notion that size was important, and furthermore that mine wasn’t a monster. I still wasn’t sure how much of it was due to being a late developer, but this was a guy who was very similar to me in many respects. He never gave me any serious shit about it in front of other people, but he occasionally made reference to it during our late night chats, and plus it seemed like it shifted the dynamic between us much more toward him being the more assertive one.
13. Winter exam week, 9th grade, me and friend, Adam, were hanging out with this cute girl named Everdear in the student lounge. We are being sort of obnoxious to her and at some point one of us presses her that she should date us instead of having a boyfriend that went to another school. Out of nowhere she goes, “For one thing I only date guys with dicks over six and a half inches”. How she even knew something like that as a freshman in high school I’ll never know. Adam didn’t miss a beat and blurted out that that requirement didn’t bother him. I on the other hand blushed like crazy. I’m sure I tried to save face but the reality was I had no idea what my current dick size was but I definitely doubted it was that large. I figured it had grown since the summer. I got out of the situation but obviously my heart was racing as I rushed home that day from the bus, eager to test myself against this new benchmark for being able to satisfy this hot girl. When I measured, realizing I still had to cheat to get even just to slightly under 5 inches was one of the most crushing moments of my life. From that point forward it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that I was severely friend-zoned by Everdear, though I constantly measured myself hoping for a miracle the whole rest of high school. I remained intimidated, and suffered through watching her date a kid I hated who was a grade lower than us. I figured he must pass her test, which enraged me. The fact I still can’t hit the threshold of this bratty girl from my youth depresses, frustrates, and angers me to this day. I think that was the moment that really escalated my sensitivity about the subject, and caused me to get viscerally angry any time I was called small.
14. In my homeroom there were a bunch of guys and only a couple girls, so naturally it was pretty testosterone-fueled. We made fun of each other, but we also liked to pick fights with the couple girls there. One was named Anne, and she seemed to look down on us and would constantly brag about having a boyfriend who didn’t go to our school. In turn, we made fun of her for being slutty and I constantly tried to get under her skin. That’s when she started pulling out insults insinuating I was a virgin, hadn’t hit puberty yet, and had a small dick. It sent me into this rageful almost war against her, and I fought back with everything in my arsenal, denying her claims and calling her fat and all other kinds of things I’m pretty embarrassed about now. We used to draw not very flattering pictures of her, but her saying that stuff about me was getting to the heart of so many things I was insecure about. It was really angering. Anyway, bullying her eventually caused her to quit school after she developed an eating disorder because of it. She transferred to another school and I never saw her again. This was some serious shit. Not only did she insinuate that I had a small dick but one time she kneed me in the nuts so that I fell down onto my knees in pain. She joked that it couldn’t have even hurt because there wasn’t much there to knee. I still shudder thinking about her.
15. As part of going to Catholic school, we had religion class. Religion class covered all kinds of things, but for some reason for religion class in 9th grade we had a unit on sex ed. In addition to telling us outright that masturbation was wrong and that it was better to spill our seed into the belly of a whore than to let any spill onto the ground, which of course made me feel eternally guilty about masturbating and like a failure in the eyes of God, who was punishing me with a small penis, there were also some fairly embarrassing tests. One of those was an in-class quiz that asked us a variety of sex ed things about STDs and God’s views on sex before marriage, etc. One of the strange questions it asked – and again, I have no idea why it asked this – was when in life boys begin producing sperm. It was multiple choice, and I selected “from birth” rather than “beginning during puberty” because I wasn’t myself shooting yet and didn’t know what shooting sperm was really all about yet and honestly didn’t know the answer. We did one of those peer grading things where your desk neighbor grades your quiz for you. When we got to that question and Emily, a cute girl who was grading my quiz, noticed I got it wrong, she exclaimed out in earshot of many people, “how could you miss that, shouldn’t you know that as a guy?” I have no idea how I responded, but at least in my eyes it was a pretty dead giveaway that I was behind and I’m sure caused me to blush profusely.
16. That winter I played basketball for my school so obviously got a lot of locker room time with my freshman teammates. We didn’t have to shower (thank goodness) but you still caught glimpses invariably. Plus a lot of the gyms had trough-type urinals and our shorts didn’t have zippers so you kind of had to pull them down to pee, so pretty sure the fact I didn’t have pubes yet was noticed by at least one or two of my teammates. One kid named David in particular I’m pretty sure got a pretty clear glimpse one time. He wasn’t a super vocal jerk, but pretty sure he mentioned it in passing. And somehow just the reputation seemed pervasive in the locker room, probably because I was obviously a later bloomer than most guys. One day Rico was joking around about sex and I was trying to engage to sound cool. To no one in particular, he asserted “Andrew probably couldn’t even fuck a girl. It would be like….” and he would start making this gesture with his fingers suggesting a small dick making tiny motions, thus causing the whole locker room to laugh. There were other jokes about how a girl probably wouldn’t even feel it, and how I probably couldn’t even cum yet, which was true, but it still stung hard hearing those burns.
17. Summer after 9th grade I got walked in on while masturbating by my mom. She never said anything, but knowing she had seen me down there and may or not have made a judgement was pretty fucking embarrassing.
18. That same summer after 9th grade I went to a summer camp for American kids in France, so pretty much all kids from fairly wealthy families. One of my rommates was this kid named Garth. I don’t think he was any older, but he seemed much more mature and was thus very popular with several of the girls and spent many nights in their rooms. He also obviously spent many nights in our room and certainly caught momentary glimpses of me changing. There were two girls he would always hang around with and one day we were all hanging out on the beach. One of the other kids had found out they sold condoms in the vending machine there, which seemed really funny to us at the time. I must have made a comment trying to seem cool, but instead this triggered those two girls to start making jokes at my expense about how I probably didn’t even know how a condom worked and how if I ever tried one I wouldn’t be big enough for it and it would fall right off my penis, simulating with their fingers how a way-too-big baggy condom would totally dwarf my penis, which wouldn’t even come close to being able to fill it. I got so flustered I think I just ended up telling them off as best I could and walking away as they laughed me off. Thing was, I had never tried a condom before and assumed Garth had told them my dimensions and that what they were saying was probably true. It was devastating and I could barely face them knowing they thought that about me.
19. Part of that same trip was a stint spent living with a French family for a week. They had a son my same age, and naturally he and I hung out a lot that week, and were fairly competitive. One day we took a road trip and met up with another family with another kid our age, at their house, which was some converted chateau. It had a pool, so we went swimming there. They sent the three of us off to some shed to change into our trunks. We all angled ourselves so that we wouldn’t see each other, but then just as I had taken off my shorts to change into my trunks my family’s mom opened the door wide to drop something off that she’d forgotten to give us. She definitely got a full-on frontal view of my lower section buck naked, and pretty sure she may also have seen the other two guys as well in a similar state. She obviously never said anything about it, but it drove me absolutely insane knowing she’d seen me like that, and that she also may have seen me relative to these other two guys. I was terrified she thought I was small, and also that I was smaller than her son. I didn’t know the answer to that, but she did, and that drove me crazy.
20. After I got back from France I had the rest of that summer at home. One of the quirks of living at home was that my family had hired a housecleaning company that came by every Friday to clean our house. They’d usually show up mid-morning but occasionally would come earlier. Typically our whole family would be out at school and work so my mom would leave the key for them hidden on the porch and they’d let themselves in. Over the summer, though, I was there, though they would still let themselves in. One Friday I forgot they were coming so I was just hanging out as per a typical morning alone in my room. I was laying on top of my sheets buck naked on my back. I didn’t hear them come into the house and was caught totally off guard when one of them opened the door to my room to come in and clean it, obviously getting a crystal clear shot of me in my birthday suit. She politely closed the door. Obviously every time I saw her after that was pretty embarrassing. Perhaps in an effort to ease my embarrassment she engaged me in somewhat awkward small talk (what do you ask a 15 year old you don’t know). Searingly, she told me she had a son “just a couple years older than you”, before revealing that he was 14. I was mortified. She had seen me naked and thought based on seeing what I was packing downstairs basically that I looked about 12, not 14/15. While it probably had more to do with my late bloomer build, I was so paranoid I presumed this was based on a comparison to her son in the private parts area and it was totally humiliating and stuck with me. It made me incredibly mad. Last I checked she still cleans my parents’ house every Friday, and very rarely when I am visiting for a long weekend I end up having to briefly interact with her. It’s still mortifying.
21. I’ve talked about my mom on there before, how much she frequently used me as an outlet to complain about my dad, including a bunch of comments over the years while in the car with her about sex not being good for the woman, and how “you guys just have your fun and make your mess and the woman has to clean it up”. Obviously the mess being a double entendre about my dad’s semen and also the fact I would routinely make big messes in the house (I was a typical kid) and didn’t always clean up after myself. Her constant emphasis on how men were bad at sex felt more like a warning that I would be bad at sex, and it was confusing because it was very different from what I had heard from girls who I knew who had had sex otherwise. Anyway, around when I was 15 we were sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning and there was a review in the newspaper about some book about blacks’ experience dealing with the stereotype of being better endowed than white guys. My mom found this the most amusing thing in the world, and kept peppering questions to my dad and me. She grilled me, “You play sports, you’re in a lot of locker rooms, you must have experienced this.” Obviously I’m white. There are some things that are embarrassing, and then there’s being 15 and getting grilled by your mom implying you must have dealt with the experience of feeling small relative to your teammates in the locker room. What pissed me off was the reality that yes, I had experienced that, but obviously I wasn’t going to admit that to my mom, so I’m sure I just got all irritated by her question and didn’t answer it. Knowing she had caught me masturbating less than a year earlier, it was especially angering because it didn’t feel like she was saying it without something to base it on. Like, it felt like she knew and was making fun of it. So fucking angering. Like on the one hand she had these ridiculously high expectations for me and anything where I fell short of them was being a disappointment, and yet at the same time she made insinuations about me having a small dick like it was a matter of course.
22. The other thing at that age is that this was right around when I accidentally, while looking for a pad of paper and a pen to take a phone message, discovered the collection of sex toys my mom had hidden in her nightstand. Four or five variations of bullet vibrators, a couple of long massagers, and a vibrating dildo, which obviously I felt compelled to measure against. I’m still not even sure what my emotions were realizing how poorly I measured up against this dildo in my mom’s drawer. It seemed to confirm everything, that her comments and jokes were justified, that I wasn’t packing the ammo downstairs to be able to adequately fight back, and that whatever teasing I was enduring at school, well, those same things would manifest themselves in the “real world” of adults, too. It was so fucking angering and depressing.
23. Sophomore, Tiffany was a girl who sat near me in band class. I used to annoy the crap out of her, basically trying to get her attention by being an obnoxious jerk to her during class. I was pretty good at band, and liked how it felt like she sort of looked up to me with jealousy. Obviously I got a kick out of anytime a girl was looking up to me rather than laughing at me. She also would occasionally hang around after school in the lobby of our auditorium building, where I would also hang out waiting to be picked up after school. Some days we had cordial conversation, and some days we’d bicker and fight trying to one-up each other. One day her and her friend had ganged up on me to steal a baseball I was bouncing against the wall, and I flipped out saying every nasty thing I could about her, which just made her more amused at how much she was making me lose my temper. It was frustrating. The next day she was hanging out with this douchey freshman named Patrick who was on my basketball team. They were both smirking me, trying to prod me about my freakout the night before, and he kept whispering things to her, and she kept laughing and smirking at me. Obviously my first paranoia was to assume he was telling her about having seen my dick in the locker room. She didn’t say anything about it then, but a few days later I was back to annoying her after school and she warned me, “Andrew, I’m going to cut your little dick off if you don’t cut it out”. Talk about a double whammy. From that point on it was pretty clear she knew she had something on me. I even lost to her once in a game of HORSE in the gym because I was so paranoid, which she thought was so funny that I played basketball and she beat me. Ugh, I still hate her.
24. Junior year, we were sitting in History class with our women teacher bragging to each other about facial hair and how much we could all grow and stupid stuff like that. We were probably all lying and exaggerating. Then out of nowhere this other kid also named Andrew says within earshot of the teacher “Andrew (me) doesn’t even have armpit hair yet”. It was crushing to know the teacher now knew.
25. That same teacher was not super warm. She was a lesbian, actually, and liked to poke hard at kids that messed with her. One day she was giving a sort of informal lecture when that same other Andrew gets up and starts walking out of the room. She stops and asks where he’s going. Trying to be cute, he says “Just going to the little boys room”, with a smirk. She nods doubtingly affirming he can go, and then says as he’s leaving in an effort to embarrass him, “Probably the kind of equipment you’re working with anyway”. I’m sure he was mortified. I was so glad that wasn’t me, but it still stung knowing a teacher could burn a student like that, and knowing that she even thought about us on those terms, knowing how condescendingly she thought about under-endowments as a put-down.
26. Also junior year, a kid named John in my grade was a constant thorn in my side. He was smarter than he looked (dumb) and was a bit of an asshole. One time I tried to get my whole English class to sign this petition and it ended up getting us in trouble and he beat me up in the parking lot over it. One time we were in Physics class wrapping up some groupwork in class and people were saying things loudly across the room in front of our woman teacher. I can’t remember why, but I made some comment about how John should learn something because girls like guys with a brain. He instantly cracked back easily in earshot of the teacher, “well, they like guys with a big penis too”. I was so burned by it I couldn’t even come up with some clever comeback about being both. Instead I just took the hit, assuming the teacher heard and assuming everybody knew he’d seen me in the locker room from sports. Pretty sure he did have a much bigger dick than me, too, so it’s not like I could say he was lying, but fuck.
27. That same year I had to take health class. I was taking it late because there were other things I’d wanted to take freshman and sophomore years, so now as a junior I was taking it even though most people were taking it as freshmen. There was one really cute freshman girl in the class named Maddi and I would get constant boners thinking about her. This was the only time in my life I can remember going through the stereotypical experience of having a raging hardon while having to present something in front of the class. Embarrassing as fuck.
28. A year later, one day, before physics class, a few of us were killing time messing around on the computers in the lab area of the classroom. I was checking my email as a couple of other kids looked on, including a couple in my grade, Natalie and Tyler. When I opened my email there were, as was typical for Yahoo, a whole ton of spam ads for Viagra and penis enlargement products among my unread messages. Natalie starts giggling about this, and remarks to Tyler, “maybe they can help you get up to 6 inches”. It wasn’t specifically directed at me, but it still made me turn beet red and really frustrated and flustered inside. I immediately closed my email and I’m sure avoided her for a while.
29. That same year I finally got a girlfriend – totally platonic – I was too petrified to “do” anything with her, but at some point I kind of abandoned her at a dance and she basically dumped me very bitterly and hated me from then on. We didn’t talk again until awards day senior year, when she basically was being friendly but spent the whole time making quiet jabs at me. I got this distinct feeling she either had, or was going to tell people I had a small dick. After all, they didn’t know she hadn’t seen it. She clearly would have done anything to destroy me at that moment. It let me in on how girls feel so nonchalant about saying things to chop down a guy’s ego entirely.
30. Joey, the kid who in 8th grade I’d competed for over height, and I, were now both a bit more grown up, both had gone through puberty mostly and were decent, if not close friends. We were on a class trip to build housing for poor people off in the middle of nowhere and were hanging around during a down moment resting, sitting there talking with a few other people. At some point Joey started joking that he wanted to be a pornstar as his profession. Seeing an opportunity to one-up him, I joked that “you need pretty big equipment for that, it’s probably not for you”, grinning as I said it. Surprisingly, he said “true”, before changing demeanor entirely. “Oh, well fuck you, Andrew. It’s not like you have room to talk”. That part caught me totally off guard. Here was a kid who as far as I knew had never seen my penis, making a crack about it being small. I guess it was confirmation of my dread that once your reputation is set in school in that area, somehow everybody finds out and just assumes it about you from then on.
31. I talked about getting a boner in health class thinking about this girl Maddi before. Well, when I was a senior she, now a sophomore, had started dating this kid Riley, who was a freshman. He was “cool”, but he didn’t seem like a douchebag. Anyway, one day I ended up at the urinal while Riley ended up at one about two down from the one I was at. We didn’t have dividers, so I almost couldn’t help but peek, and, sure enough, this dumbshit freshman had a bigger dick than me, a senior, and was apparently using it to fuck the brains out of a girl I’d fantasized about so many times the last couple years. What a fitting realization to cap off my adolescence.
32. Oh, and then there was the experience of watching the girl I had an even bigger crush on friend-zone me and watching her go through three different boyfriends. I just assume they all had bigger dicks than me and can't get that image out of my head because, well, I'm sure she assumed they were bigger than me, too. Knowing my best friend and biggest crush had friend-zoned me out of the gene pool was a nice capper on four years of hell coming to terms with having a small dick.