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Bob16

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  1. Bob16

    seeking advice

    I'll give it one last try
  2. Bob16

    seeking advice

    Since June of 2014 I have lived as a hermit shut in. Seldom going out and almost never interacting with folk outside my family. My phobia of people got bad during that last year of school, I had always had this phobia but I managed it well but some sort of shift happened and it got bad. I live with my Father and two of my brothers. both of which work and have gone to school. I have grown to hate them. During these years it was a rollercoaster of ups and downs of me trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle which I found difficult living in an isolated state. I had distracted myself with video games, porn, and food. But to many games I played and I damaged my finger RSI or something, and after watching enough porn I found myself rather disgusted with it but it's clear that some form of an addiction of it has formed. I think that finding porn at a young age contributed to the development of my social anxiety. It was always worse around women and just thinking back to the shit I watched when I was so young makes me sick to my stomach. As for food that is one department I have made good healthy strides in. But here is the thing. I am 23 now and I've never really had a job, my mental and physical health are in ruin. (I am very underweight, my posture/body alignment is awful, finger is damaged ect.) How can I possibly come back from this and even if I could is it really worth it? After missing out on so much, missing out on things that only now I can see i've missed. I have become the exact opposite of what I could have ever wanted in this life. And so being a 23 year old man living in such a state it is no surprise that I want it to be over. I could wait till morning when they go off to work, take my brothers rifle lay down a plastic tarp in my room, and shoot myself in the heart point blank range with a mosin nagant and it could finally be over. That is one option and even the thought of it brings me relief. Another choice is to gtfo of dodge and become a homeless man. But that is a gamble, my health is bad and I am relying on my body kicking into survival mode to get around my anxieties. So you can argue that well if you're dead anyway might as well go be homeless but....that is likely to cause the same thing only with some added suffering. I don't want anyone reading this to feel bad for me. But maybe some advice or other options. If I am to kill myself I should like it to come from a place of peace rather than emotional torment. So if I do go that route know that I will die in peace.
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