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Someone Somewhere

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  1. Hi, I dont know what it is that I am suffering from, whether its one thing or multiple things, I am not sure, probably the latter. Well the thing is my father died of cancer in 2007, after about 1 year of having the disease. That incident sort of drove me nuts. I don't know how to explain. But during his illness I started to feel that I had a control over his health. I developed all kinds of insane habits, like I didn't walk on tiles where they intersected fearing that if I did I would harm him in some way. Its long ago, but thats when it started, these little bouts of insanity at first. Then he passed away and I started to grow more and more fearful of my mother's health and this over protectiveness that she must never get cancer or any illness. I stopped doing anything I used to do in the lead up to my father being diagnosed. So suppose if there was a video game that I used to play, the mere mention of the name of that game would send me in a panic attack, or any song I was fond of listening to in those days, the mere mention of it sends me in a state of complete panic. Then my mind started to play tricks on me and force me to think of bad stuff happening to my mother. In nights I used to get dreams of her getting cancer or dying. I had to develop a coping mechanism for it, so I came up with alphabet combinations ending in the letter 'z'. As in EZ, after every bad thought was my way of undoing that thought, as in ctrl z. It was okay for a while, but then it got overbearing. Not only did bad thoughts come into my mind, but my mind almost made me want to 'scare' me. It was like there is this whole another thought in my head that now scares me. In the sense this train of thought that I cant control, now 'says' that bad stuff happen to my mother, and then I have to say the opposite that the stuff that happen to my mother not happen to my mother. Or project that bad thought on someone else. So whatever bad thing this voice says happen to my mother, I say that exact thing happen to someone else I know. Its annoying and there is this fear of being happy in me. Its like I am always worried that bad stuff is around the corner. I have become pessimistic and become limited to being involved in only a few activities. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but when I am not able to fully over-ride by projecting or ctrl Z-ing these thoughts, I get irritable, and angry. Whenever I try to do something new, these thoughts try to get the pleasure away from it. For instance I started writing something. But when i think of writing in the morning it was try and say something horrible about my mother and then go, well you can't start something new after that horrible thought came into your head about your mother. Its always trying to stop me from doing anything new, or fun. It wants me to live in a perpetual state of being afraid and fearful. There it is. I must sound completely to whoever is reading this. But those are some of the issues I am having. What is it that I am suffering from? Anyone know anything of this type of mental ilness? Please help. Regards EZ
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