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x.x.x

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  1. we don’t have a casual relationship, i can’t really talk to her about anything. she worked all through my childhood so i never really developed a bond with her. she’s insane, irrational and over controlling. i try to reason with her but she just screams until her voice starts to crack. she’s punched multiple holes in my door. she stresses me out to the point of tears sometimes by just talking to her. one time i had to leave for work in 10 minutes and she got mad at me, took my keys and my car, drove it to an abandoned lot and wouldn’t tell me where so i had to call my boss to explain. she’s paranoid (thinking people stalk me all the time) and has to constantly monitor my location. i am uncomfortable with her knowing anything personal about me. if she knew any of this, all of the things she’s doing now will increase 10000X and she would be breathing down my neck, make me have my door open 24/7, monitor my bank account, not let me hang out with my friends who she claims are “bad influences” but they’ve literally been there for me through this and they’re the only reason i’m still alive in the first place.
  2. ^ explanation above. yes, the entire school was in shock. he was in my eighth hour, there’s another boy who sat right next to me and him and who was part of our group.
  3. thc carts are carts of pure thc (active ingredient in marijuana that gets you high). the four people who murdered him are also friends with all of my friends, as if this situation couldn’t get any messier.
  4. my teacher was worried about me so she contacted the school counselor and told her her concerns. i talked to her about hearing the gunshot and she told me a lot of people were also having issues graduating because practically everyone in the school knew him. i can’t tell my mom anything because she would make my life significantly harder and more of a living hell than it already is, so i can’t get real therapy.
  5. in february of 2019 a close friend of mine was robbed and murdered for THC carts. i haven’t been able to be sober for a day since he passed. i lost over 20lbs (from 115 to 91) and just have overall not been doing okay. i remember standing back to back because he always thought he was taller than me, you know? i remember the day he turned 18 he was so excited; he called me “minor” for a solid 2 months after his birthday just because he was an “adult” now. and i had this brown fuzzy jacket he used to call my “sheep coat” and he’d take it, ball it up on his desk, turn his head to look at me and fall asleep. it always smelled like him when he gave it back to me. i can’t get the smell of death out of my mind when i think of him now. i feel like i’m moving on too quickly, and at the same time not fast enough. like if this is grieving, i’m doing it wrong. i have a hard time recalling memories of us, the only things that stick out are the bad ones and those only make me feel worse. in the beginning, i couldn’t even remember if we were friends. i remember being so lost, confused and out of it. i couldn’t remember if he liked me or not. i couldn’t remember what my last words to him were (they were “i hate you,” by the way). i had to look at pictures of us to prove to myself that we were friends. that he didn’t hate me. so i guess i feel like i’m not part of it? like there were so many people who were closer to him, way closer than us, people who knew him since kindergarten, and here i am contemplating suicide over the death of someone i’ve known for 6 months... i feel like only a small amount of people are allowed to grieve after the first week or two, and the rest are just looking for attention. i have a hard time allowing myself to feel things and be vulnerable/open up to people. i heard the gun shot, my window was open. i heard the sirens and the train, everything. i remember saying to my friend, “well, someone just died.” and i can’t help but feel guilty for not checking up on him. but then again, how could i have known? but the thought of me doing something about it, saving him... how different things would’ve turned out. i could’ve done that. i could’ve saved him. but i didn’t. and now he’s dead. but i could’ve stopped it. and i don’t know how to forgive myself. i’ve fucked up in the past, but nothing like this. i was wrong. i was so wrong about him. he wasn’t like the others, he didn’t want to leave. i kicked him out of my life before he could kick me out of his because of what some shitty sophomores did to me years ago. i still feel his fingers on my back every time i put my head down. i still hear his voice whisper in my right ear, “why are you mad?” i’m in love with him, i’ve been in love with him for a long time now and he expressed interest in me, too. i remember him tickling me the first day we met, and i remember the day before he died he walked up to me, playfully pushed my head, smiled at me and walked to class. that was the last time i saw him alive. i don’t know how to deal with something so painful, i’ve never lost anyone before. i’ve had depression since i was 12 so it’s not a new feeling to me but i don’t think i’ve ever been closer to actually committing suicide before. i told a close friend and the teacher who’s class i had the boy in about everything that happened, but it’d take me lifetimes to get through the entire story. it hurts my heart to think that anyone could ever hurt him. i remember walking up to his casket and not even recognizing him over the bruises and swelling. it didn’t even look like him because the family was so shocked that they put off the funeral for a week and a half and still had an open casket. i’m so confused, i don’t understand where he went. i just want to kill myself and find my best friend and make sure he’s okay. everything is wrong and it can never be right again because the only person i’ve ever found who i’ve actually connected with is dead and there’s no way to bring him back. living has become an endless cycle of hell; the only reason i’m still here is because my mom told me she would kill herself if anything ever happened to me or my siblings, we don’t really have a relationship, and my friends. i don’t know what to do.
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