I’m honestly not quite certain how to start this, but I just discovered this site and think that I might be in need of just some advice right now. (Sorry in advance for the super long post) I’ve never been on this site before, but I’ve been on websites like this. They were just communities where you posted about something you needed help with and people could reply. Many of them weren’t very active with replies and just weren’t good for me, and one I was on when I was around 16 or 17 years old. When my parents found out that I made an account they were so upset with me and thought that what I was doing was dangerous, and I was so ashamed that I never went on again and deleted everything I had to do with it. Parts of me think that it really just propels some of my bad habits, but considering that I am now 20 and keep thinking about it and coming back I think it was helpful in someway.
I don’t know what I need help with at this point or what exactly is going on with me, but I’m tired of being like this all the time. Everywhere I go I feel like I’m the weird one, no matter where it is. In my family I’m the one that’s kinda crazy cause I like different things, and even though I’m smart I’m the kind of person that doesn’t always get the joke or understand what your saying right away. I can’t stand the sound of bottles crinkling or people chewing, and every time I’m just told to stop making a big deal about it. In middle school I sat alone all year cause people were making rumors about me and I was too nervous to sit next to someone. In high school people thought I was mean because I didn’t talk to them, when in reality I was too scared to. In college I’m just outright invisible. I only have one person that I’m really truly friends with and we have been for a long time, but it took a good three years for any sort of interaction to actually happen at all. I’m just flat out scared and uncomfortable talking with people, and it’s gone on for so long in my life that it seems like a normal thing now but it sucks. I’m always so worried that I won’t make sense or will sound so ridiculous that I won’t even try to talk to anyone. I’ve always been the person that will sit in class for two hours with bad gum because I’m too scared to just stand up and throw it away (which is unfortunately a true story).
Lately just everything puts me on edge, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Some days I’m fine and some days I actually wish that I could just burst into tears and cry. I don’t sleep anymore, not because I can’t but because I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep cause when I wake up I have to deal with everything all over again. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is anxiety or what, but I’m so tired of it. It’s been like this my whole life but I’m tired of being nervous and too afraid to just live my life with other people. Even now it’s 3:15 in the morning and even though I know that I need to sleep I just don’t want to. It feels like there’s a ball of tightness in my chest that just won’t go away.
Super long explanations aside I just need advice. I can’t live like this forever, but I don’t know what to do about it.