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nightfalls last won the day on August 12 2009

nightfalls had the most liked content!

About nightfalls

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  • Birthday 03/23/1979
  1. Just had a question, Is it posible to have suicidal thoughts and self harm urges with all the details but yet not be suicidal and not at all in any risk? I'm confused with this. Advise about this please
  2. nightfalls


    How do you really know what symptoms go with what? I feel like this is a puzzle, I get it that I'm depressed or that my anxiety is bad but there is -to me- anyways more. I don't see or maybe don't want to see? what else it is. I list it in my head, I sort it out, but regardless of what I make of it, I can't shake it, my ways are not ok and not helping me but I can't change it without "something" what is the something? I just don't know. How do you find a root of a problem? I think to myself maybe this is a part of it, or at least just not helping me. but then what? I can't stop it, I can't talk of it. I want to know if this is a problem, I want to list this to someone, I want to ask but how? How do you ask what you are afraid to ask, or feel so stupid to ask. I think it and then tell myself everything is fine there is no issue here just me complaining just get it together, there is no issue. Then why do I feel like this?
  3. nightfalls

    just needing something

    hi lindamom and confused thankyou. Everytime life gets more stressful or there is more things going on I have just a hard time to cope, I have been depressed, I don't know if I am now but most likely. I have really strong anxiety that honestly feels will never go away. I have seen a Dr before but have stopped now. I also stopped with therapy. Topics that just are to hard to deal with is money, marrage, kids, self esteem, image, work, resent move, moving away of close ones. it is really overwhelming and I am just trying to keep my head on straight but when "stuff" just keeps going on I don't know how to do it, I feel like I'm going to just snap. the marrage stuff just pushes me to far. I'm in this zone of crappyness and it is almost sufficating each time it gets like this all I can think is "this is to much" and it is not even a spacific thing he is doing, it is just a unsuportive far away I've failed vibe. Everything presses hard but this topic I could find it to much. Some nights if we argue are just unbarable. I think "what do I do, where do I go, what is the point? This is why I stopped talking to a dr. what is the point I know this is dragging me down. Last night was a hard night today to, I know I am not coping I guess I am doing what I think makes me feel better in this but I am scard too. I drink to lower my anxiety but if I get to far I sometimes SI, and I have waves where I try to limit my eating to lose what I choose. I get that this is a spinning mess, I get that other messes are worse, I feel like I'm just a bother but rate now I can't do this.
  4. nightfalls

    just needing something

    there is just so many things that I find hard in life that it really gets to be too much at times. I know that there is worse out there and I try to get it right in my mind that this is not "Bad" it 's just stuff but I am tired of just stuff always and I am tired of just always trying and trying or feeling and feeling I just don't really want to deal with it. And always with it is to many topic's and me just being alone to deal. I feel so alone in this world of which is just me vs. topic's. I can't stand it
  5. nightfalls

    the continuation

    I don't know why but it seems when things fall it all falls down.
  6. nightfalls

    things are hard

    thanks Jj wish I could even just type it but not tonight, I started to but I just don't feel up to it. Not a good day. I'd like to just say STOP! to all of it but there is no point because it will not stop, this is life I just don't know how to cope with it all, all the time. thanks for posting back though Jj
  7. So I am not seeing any Dr's now or anyone to chat with about things, it sort of really sucks because there is just nothing I can do in these moments I can't think ok I'll bring it up next week, I really just chickened out of all of it, I can't take the meds I was given, or chat with them about it, even coming here is an anxiety hell of panic and fear and it sucks and I'm alone with all the hardness of it, I'm trying to say it will get better, have hope, but tonight it is hard. I want things to be better but I do think I need help but I'm to afraid to talk. just would like some support. I am trying really hard.
  8. nightfalls

    Name Calling

    Hi Jane, I don't have much to offer in advice but I wanted to send a hand of support to you because I understand and deal with a similar situation, it was hard to read David O's 4 points about the predictors I think I recognise all of them and even Allen's question why stay? for me I'm just stuck, it's like a island in my life every direction seems hard, I hope you are able to find a sunrise and things work out for either the two of you or for you, hope things will be well.
  9. nightfalls

    Start the discussion

    Hi Donna and others, Sorry for your struggles, ED's of any type are hard. Seems to be such a pull in all directions all the time. I struggle and it really is all for nothing, I know it just hurts but at the same time it is a pull. I can't really stop in the situations that I'm in. I am not sure what to do with all the thoughts about this. I keep to a weight that I have to be, I think of less everyday. I am on a line that I try to say is ok to myself. I tell myself it is all ok and it is OK. BUT it is a LINE. that I just keep walking on. I think to ask for some help, but I am not underweight, I keep my weight at the low point of where a need to be but I want less, I feel the pull for less, I just lost a bit but I start to feel not well and get scard, I HATE THIS but I need it.
  10. nightfalls

    stuck on a thought

    Hi Allan, I do try this alot and I do come up with good eg. like helping out a stranger in the rain packing boxes after work. or walking kids to school to help the other parents out that are working. offering to work extra to help out when it is too busy. I try really hard, all the time. I know this. I think it is my mood thing, mabe I just don't like me for whatever reason, I feel like I'm mad and hurting and sad and empty like I'm not who I am I am someone else, when I sit alone I don't like me and I get all the thoughts that come with that regardles of the good I've done. This is really frustrating, I am my worst enemy especially when down. It is hard to see your own pattern outwardly but feel it differently. Mabe that is where the depression is kicking me down.
  11. I have a hard time understanding why DR.'s that are perscribing meds like a SSRI leave the choice to the patient weather they want to take it or not. I guess I can understand the idea of letting the patient have a say but at the same time how can I be my own DR? I don't think I always fully understand what is needed to do, I sometimes see it, but mostly all I see is scary stuff. I focus on all the bad that "could" happen and then I'm frozen and can't take anything, I continue to suffer, I don't make the progress mabe I could have. I think about it now wondering if I had just taken the meds 4 years ago the same ones I keep getting told I "could" take IF I wanted to maybe I would feel better and not keep having these episodes. I just wish that it was more clear in the moment. Like if he said, You should take this ... and it will help and if not we will try ... and so on. Not If you feel like it we can try this ... but it really is up to you... I have not gone to med school I don't think I should have this say. I would not offer myself a med for blood pressure or a ear infection why is this different. I see a MD he says take this, I take it, I feel better I don't question it. If ever a med is optional I will always opt out weather I see it or not I will alway run the other way. I guess this is just a unfortunate realization of myself.
  12. Hi Goose, Sorry to read that things were not so good, and that stuff is alot to deal with. I was just thinking about the things I've done to try and attack my anxiety. My main thing is the social stuff, I really do just shake me head at how hard it is to get through this and I know it feels so hard. I'm really kinda jumping in big time in my life, I just went back to work after years of not working and OMG it has been rediculous anxiety sometimes I think it will never lessen and this is it I feel overwhelmed and stressed panicky and all the physical stuff and I am really tired of it, but I am doing it and I keep telling myself this everyday I am doing it, I just gotta do it. I think that telling myself that it may always be hard for me makes me understand that this is just me, and I have to learn to be ok with that. If I can learn to be ok with the fact that social stuff is hard mabe I can take the pressure to be perfect in social settings away and therfore mabe it can be not so scary because I'm ok with me not being good at it.... a bit of a ramble but I'm lending my shoulder to lean on. please take care:o
  13. nightfalls

    stuck on a thought

    HI say again, THANK YOU! I am not sure what else to say, you moved me, I am all sappy rate now. I've had a hard time latley so it was nice to see this post. thanks for being here. I needed that.
  14. nightfalls


    Hi malign, that is why I've tryed to come here I have a hard time in person talking about stuff so I try to here but I tend to get spooked out about talking this way so it is a hard thing for me, mscat, yes I've though that this physical stuff to but some is my fault, when I get upset I tend to take it out on me skipping meals and trying to loose weight its so stupid but I can't help it, I've lost some weight but I get scard of it too, and I don't know what to say to a Dr about this so I've put it off. but you are right about this contributing factors, your dr. sounds good and understanding. How do you just come out and say this to a dr. though?
  15. nightfalls


    Hi allan, I try to remind myself this all the time, I know this, but I just hate that I can't shake it, I'm overwhelmed but it seems I'm always overwhelmed, why can't I find a way not to feel that it is just me, I know it is not, but I still feel that things happen to me on purpose, that I'm not suppose to find a way better. I just want to give up and say fine so be it, things should not be a challenge always, and maybe it is not, maybe it is my perspective, and that is why I wonder what is going on with me. I can't I stop this, and no matter what I do it is all the same at the end of the day. I know I am sliding but I don't want to reach out either, because I am frustrated with this.