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Lone Horseman

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Lone Horseman last won the day on August 24 2013

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About Lone Horseman

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  • Birthday 11/23/1984
  1. Thanks Kaskade! That is very inspirational advice. A very fair analysis too. I really want to be able to focus on the more positive aspects of my life and personality (its just tough, for some reason I find my failures stick to memory far more than success) but I suppose if I made the point to really focus on my positives they might start to bolster my confidence. I realize once I have the confidence my life will improve in many ways (even beyond relationships). Sometimes it just feels like a catch 22, where you need the confidence for your life to bring the positives that help you feel... confident. As it is I generally get by faking it, or with the help (when at parties) of alcohol. Though I feel that only gets me so far, and that real confidence would really help me not worry about how I am perceived, and feel better about myself. But I am sure this requires more action on my part. Hitting the gym and getting endorphins flowing, getting out in more sunshine to gain more positive perspective. And as you suggested, just keeping in mind my own positives and values I take for granted. I have to now try to accomplish these said tasks, even though old habits are hard to break .
  2. Thanks random. Most my "relationships" are over before they ever begin, and over time I have developed a rather cynical view of love itself, but I still do want it so. It is good to know others have trouble overcoming the confidence barrier, I think at least one real "success" (be it sex or at the very least having a girl that I like desiring me as well). Thanks to you too Shye, being around other single people really does help. Right now I am just in a really bad position, cause I just graduated college and don't have a new job yet. Something should be lining up soon though so I will at least be meeting new coworkers and branching out further (trying to meet girls through my current friends is tricky to navigate and its tough for me to get in touch with most due to distance, I live in the middle of nowhere). It is just tough trying to go from talking to a girl to the "does she like me? should i touch her hand? should i try to kiss her?" stage. It is tough enough when you are young and inexperienced, but at 26 you are pretty much expected to be good at kissing (and sex), so I sometimes get over that when displaying even a mask a confidence. As it is now, I just try my best at faking confidence and being social. I don't even know where to begin looking though now that college is over and parties are few and far between. Its tough to progress with coworkers, cause I am always afraid that rejection will make the workplace awkward, I hate dancing at clubs (I can't avoid looking like a white guy dancing, regardless of being good or not) so meeting girls there usually hits a dead end, and I never want to feel like a "creep" just trying to hit on random girls. So currently meeting girls is a bit of a barrier, but once I have met a girl I like (and is actually single, an even rarer occurrence) I just want to find a way to get to physical contact (I always fear at some point I've lost her interest). Maybe I just need to keep experimenting between "having a girls interest" and "alcohol" to give me the courage, trying to find that perfect medium before the intoxication causes a lack of interest (so far its at least gotten me phone numbers, but little else).
  3. Yeah, I can't say that any "trauma" has ever befallen me. Just general doubts about self-value that seemed to have grown over time. Thanks for the advice, I will keep it in consideration for sure. I don't know to be honest. I don't believe so. As I am comfortable being me, but I just want to be better in every regard. Its almost as if because I feel I do not excel in certain areas, that I must not be good enough in any of those areas (but when I take time to look at it, I can see instances I have shown an abundance of humor or intelligence, but I fear "well this person is funnier/smarter, so obviously girls will like him more than me"). Though I have to admit, I know there are times I wish I was someone else. I think its more of a cycle of destruction due to confidence. I can't bring myself to the courage to make "moves" on a girl, and then she might think I am not interested and/or feel awkward about it; then I feel like I have failed and reaffirm my lack of confidence. Though I think and hope that once I am finally in a real relationship with a girl who thinks well of me in these areas that I wont be so worried about them in the future (with her or another girl if that doesnt work out).
  4. Just posted some of this in the New Members thread, but I figured it was more appropriate here. I turn 26 this month and got here from the 26 year old virgin advice post when googling it on a whim. It is helpful to read how other people feel and are dealing with similar issues. First off to explain where I am: As I said I am a 26 year old male virgin, and (as others here have also said) I have never kissed a girl and never been in a real relationship. I understand the majority of my problem stems from a lack of self-esteem, but I fear the longer this continues, the less likely I will ever have sex. I have no moral objections to losing my virginity. Up to a point in my life, I would say I wanted to wait till marriage, I came from a very religious family, but I have also had the innate desire for sex as long as I can remember (so as a teenager, I always felt "wait till marriage... but if something happens sooner all the better probably soul mates anyway". But I was a dumb kid who believed in romantic ideals and not yet jaded by society and life). Though I lost my faith gradually over time (though I still have some theological belief), and eventually that had little bearing over the issue and now none at all. But even more than sex, I desire physical and emotional intimacy with a girl (sex just being an amazing bonus). My problem is that I have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I can get by day to day and fake confidence so people do not think worse of me (I hate to burden others with my problems) and can appear happy and without self-doubt (the latter illusion is not consistent however). I can talk to girls without trouble, but I cannot seem to find a way to either gets girls "interested" and if there is any point where they may be, I either pick up on a subtle idea that there must be something they don't like about me (and its likely often only in my head, but I cannot help but think that is how they must feel), so I feel why would a girl want me to touch her hand, much less how could I possibly try to kiss her? I personally feel like I am not attractive, not brilliant, not hilarious, not wealthy, not stylish. And yet my rational mind knows that I am not ugly, I am intelligent to some degree, I can make people laugh, money isn't everything, and that it isn't difficult to find the right style. But because I do not feel like I am really a "high positive" (and at any given time, I will often feel highly negative about any or all of these) in any of these categories, it just isn't enough to be "worthy" of desire. Because of these self-doubts I can rarely seem to even attempt more than conversation with a girl. All my past failures are cemented in my mind tearing away even the artificial confidence I use, continued attempts become more difficult all the time. I even fear my lack of confidence as something to be unconfident about. I want, so much, to just have a close and intimate connection with a girl. To "love" a girl and have it reciprocated, and if that can lead to sex all the better (or if the sex leads to love, whichever order; and even just sex itself is absolutely fine as well; my modern jaded ideas of "love" probably find it easier to believe in "just sex"). But I also fear now that because I am so inexperienced at my age, I would be bad at everything (kissing, holding her in my arms, sex), and I further worry all of it would be awkward because of the fear that she might not actually desire me. I just feel lost when it comes to bridging this gap between meeting a girl and actually gaining her affections.
  5. Thanks for the reply. As far as I am aware, I never really felt "unloved" as a child any more than any child would when things didnt go their way. Relatively normal family upbringing, but highly religious (something I don't still follow, which divides me and my family now). I would say it probably was around middleschool when I started to be kind of a nerdy/geeky kid (I was in charter school and community college during highschool so I didn't even really "get" that experience), I don't quite fit that description anymore as an adult (but hey, who of us don't still love some nerdy things like video games or whatnot?) once I started to doubt myself somehow that idea just festered in my mind to the point where it still effects me as an adult I think. Edit: Even after logging out and back in cant seem to post elsewhere yet. EditEdit: Works now!
  6. New member making my obligatory posting thread. I am here due to a harmful lack of self-value. I can get around my day-to-day fine, and thanks to being pretty good at faking confidence and happiness no one would ever guess there is anything wrong with me. But I am a 26 year old male who cannot help but think negatively about himself in every way. The way I look, my intellect, my humor, my job (or current lack thereof), and even my friendships and relationships. What is strange, to me, is that even though I know there is nothing wrong with the way I look, and that some people find me smart or funny, ect. I can't help but dismiss it and only see what flaws they must otherwise see. The problem with "you need more confidence" is I am completely unconfident in my confidence. Faking it in the day to day helps me get by, but it doesnt help me lead a productive life to change anything. As it is now I am a 26 year old virgin who cannot even get intimate enough with a girl to kiss her (hell even sometimes just trying to establish any physical contant such a touching her hand is a challenge). I just can't help but either pick up on anything she might not like about me, or just feel that there is no way she could find me desirable. I came here from the "26 year old virgin" topic, but it isnt even just about "sex" (while that would be amazing, and at this point, as much as I feel I could even hope for), I have just always, my entire life desired a close intimate relationship with a girl (these days I would settle for that one night stand though) and I fear if I cannot overcome my self-doubt I will die in misery.
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