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Jenna520

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Jenna520 last won the day on January 23 2013

Jenna520 had the most liked content!

About Jenna520

  • Rank
    Senior Member
  • Birthday 11/01/1983

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  • AIM
    I have a wonder husb

Profile Information

  • Biography
    I'm married to a wonderful man and have two beautiful children

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  • Location
    South Central Kentucky
  • Interests
    interior decorating, crafts, gardening, spending time with my kids
  • Occupation
    doubting myself
  1. I think the reason I obssess about why it is they are like they are, is because their treatment and behavior has damaged my self esteem. I question my worth a lot, because to my mind, I've got to be garbage if the two people that brought me into this world cannot treat me with some sort of respect. I keep thinking if I find out the real answer, I'll finally be able to say that it's all their problem, I've done nothing wrong, and can feel that I am capable of being loved. I've developed a fear of those I love leaving me because I think so low of myself. That's why I guess I'm on a mission. I know in reality that I will never get an answer, but I can't keep it from bothering me. It sounds silly, I know. I don't even know where to begin in the healing process to getting my self esteem back.
  2. Thank you for sharing. I can't afford a lot of therapy but I need it! I know they're capable of love, they loved my brother. Now, had they treated him as they did me, I would say okay, they're just lacking in a lot of parental skills and love. That's what confuses me so much. I wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself "It's not you, it's them." That only works to certain extent. Sometimes I'm pondering and greiving about it without realizing that I'm doing it until I get all upset. I feel like the way they treated me, has made me the parent that I am. It looks as if they grew up with a rough childhood, they would do the logical thing and make it a point to be different than their parents were with them. I know I did. I got married at 17 and had a child a month after I turned 19. I said from the beginning, I would go above and beyond to be all that my children needed me to be. It comes natural as instinct, so I can't figure how they could be such cruel and uncompassionate people, unless their hearts are just made of pure stone. Even animals care for and take care of their young.
  3. Thank you, Lana. Someday's I can kind of accept that this is not my fault but other days I just can't accept it. I'd just like to see it, or hear it from a parent point of view. I'm terrible at overthinking things and trying to resolve problems. I feel like I should be able to fix it.
  4. Being almost 30, disowned by my parents for no reason at all, I'm trying to see things from their perspective. As most know, my brother died in may of 2011 from a drug overdose. Most also know that my parents considered him the "favorite" out of the two of us kids. My whole life I've been treated like dirt, and didn't really see that it had affected me until the last year or so. After my brother's death, they started verbalizing what I already had figured out, when they'd say things like "we've lost our only child" or "I could have coped better had it been you" and things of that nature. They've turned to threatening and harrassment the last few months, which is when I had to draw the line and cut off all contact with them. Their numbers are blocked from all phones and I avoid them at all cost. Still there is that unresolved hurt that lingers within that wonders why I'm not good enough to deserve their love, never have been good enough. I've thought of all the possible scenarios like is it because I was an unplanned pregnancy, was it because my mother nearly passed when she had me, was it because I was born prematurely and wasn't expected to make it but I did though I was a very sickly child and cost them lots of money in drs bills? Is it because I'm a girl? What was it? I have two children of my own. A two year old and an almost 10 year old. I could never imagine treating them the way my parents have treated me. I can't imagine one day telling them that I "disown" them, no matter what they may do. I do not love one more than the other. I would walk through hell and back to keep them from feeling one ounce of pain, I'd definitely never intentionally do anything to hurt them. Are there different types of parents? Is it common for parents to simply love one child and discard the other. I'd like to hear from someone who would be honest with me about their relationships with their children and their thoughts about favoritism. Can anyone here relate to my parents because they've acted in the same behavior. I'm just trying to understand. Everyday, I ask myself, " what did I do?" or "What can I do to make them love me?" It's emotionally straining and has destroyed me more than I've acknowledged. Just need to hear some thoughts so maybe I can get it out of my head that I'm defective or unwanted.
  5. Awww, thank you so much everyone. You guys have made my day more pleasant. (((((hugs)))))) I'm blessed to have such supportive, kind and loving people to help me, support me, and to care for me.
  6. Easter was so hard. I didn't have a good day at all. I really feel like I'm never going to get over this. The PTSD is sometimes too much to handle. I keep seeing him dead. I can't even watch the news or read the paper because I cry over everything. If a stranger dies, I grieve for the family as if it were my own. I'm screwed up forever.
  7. By the way Beth and Lana, if you don't mind, may I have your personal email. I finally gained the confidence to let myself be captured in a picture and I know I've been promising one for a while.
  8. Have you ever saw the light blue roses? That's my rose. It's unique just like me, I've had two of them in previous residences, and had to work really hard to get them to florish. I feel I'm the same way. It is going to take a lot of TLC to turn into something beautiful.
  9. Couldn't spare a dime at this point. Every bit of my money is going towards bills that piled up in the five months that we had no income. Perhaps when we get caught up on the bills, I can look into it. Thank you for the information, AP.
  10. I'm trying to find a way to channel my pain in a healthier way. Hopefully the poetry will become of a happier topic. My goal is to be more positive. I've got to do my part at finding closure in this matter.
  11. I was on Prozac before he decided to try Lamictal but the Prozac wasn't working at all. I thought I was doing better when he first put me on it, but now I think it was just because the Prozac was leaving my system. AP, I think my depression has worsened but I thought it was all in my head simply because the therapist said I would be noticably better by now. I figured if he said it would make me better, then I would be infact be doing better. But I'm just miserable! Due to not having insurance, I'll have to wait until the end of next month to see him about it. I dread trying to start another medicine. I've been on so many that it makes my stomach turn. Medicine is not the only answer, I believe it's just to aid with handling depression a small bit. I really need to start sessions with a psychologist but I'm broke!! It would be of great benefit to change my thought process when it comes to past events in my life and learn new ways to handle those emotions.
  12. The Garden Of Pain Just outside your back door Exists The garden of pain. Twisting thorns and weeds galore Where a rose tries to flourish in vain. Stunted by the darkened gloom That blocks all source of hope. The rose finds herself struggling to bloom In this place where it's difficult to cope. Before she opens to reveal Her beaufiful scarlet face. Her velvet petals start to peal Frozen in their place. Determined to thrive amoung the pain She tries with all her might. With nothing to lose everything to gain She see's a light in sight. She stretches high bypassing the gloom Her petals taking form. Her petaled face being torn thorn by thorn As the weeds start to swarm. Weaving through the twisted mess To finally reach that place. She looks at the dangers a little less Determined to reveal her face. Finally, alas, she breaks through it all Thriving in the sun. Above the thorns and rampant weeds she is standing tall Far from where she begun. Though her petals are with damaged ends And her stem slightly off set. In the sunlight she slowly mends From the dangers she had met. You'll look outside and see this rose Tattered from a fight. Amoung the mess, she's been stowed Where she has to fight with all her might. Don't let her defects take away From the beauty that she holds. It's not her fault she was planted this way, Where she faces her daily scolds. Underneath the tattered petals and scars Is a forgotten and loving soul. Bringing beauty from afar To that shadowed place where thorns control. Judge not by the wounds she bears Or the surroundings with which she's stuck. Because through this mess, she has faired Waiting to be plucked.
  13. My psychiatrist put me on this medicine about three months ago. A month ago he increased my dosage and said I should be noticing a difference within a couple weeks. I'm not noticing anything but declining stability in my mood and intense depression. It's a medicine used for bipolar but he specifically stated I wasn't bipolar, I was suffering from PTSD. When I first took the medicine, I could tell a difference in my mood, but as time went on, I've could tell I was getting worse. Does anyone here have any experience with this medicine? I'd like to hear what side effects, if any, you had, and how you reacted to treatment with this particular medicine. Thanks.
  14. My husband informed me today he believes it's silly for me to write the things I do, especially t'he post where I wrote letters to Charlie in the addiction section. I tried to explain I not only did it for myself, I hoped someone who was struggling with the beast addiction would read the letters of pain and truth I had written and think " I don't want my family to hurt like this" and seek help. Since he's lost many "friends", he thinks I should just get over it before I lose him. It's not that simple and I find it a shame that I will have to hide my grief from this point forward in order for him to better tolerate me. I feel like I'm losing everyone. Silence is deafening, and keeping silent, building a dam for the tears, and pretending is not going to help me get over it any quicker. I explained to him that I have no control over my mind when it comes to the PTSD. I will forever be traumatized because the death was sudden, unexpected, and just simply traumatic in so many ways. My parents don't understand, neither does my very own husband. I guess I'm not meant to be understood at this point in my life, or from this point forward. It makes me think all of you are thinking the same as they are. Just get over it, right. I'm alone in this battle. I feel defeated.
  15. Heart broken this morning..... Found this new song by my favorite artist which descibes my life at this point perfectly. Nobody understands. My son's birthday is coming up next month- charlie died the day of his first birthday party. I never got well enough to have that party. Had I not had to postpone it twice for my inlaws, his uncle charlie would have been able to come and I've had pictures of them together. My son will never know how great his uncle charlie was.
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