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Jenna520

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Everything posted by Jenna520

  1. I think the reason I obssess about why it is they are like they are, is because their treatment and behavior has damaged my self esteem. I question my worth a lot, because to my mind, I've got to be garbage if the two people that brought me into this world cannot treat me with some sort of respect. I keep thinking if I find out the real answer, I'll finally be able to say that it's all their problem, I've done nothing wrong, and can feel that I am capable of being loved. I've developed a fear of those I love leaving me because I think so low of myself. That's why I guess I'm on a mission. I know in reality that I will never get an answer, but I can't keep it from bothering me. It sounds silly, I know. I don't even know where to begin in the healing process to getting my self esteem back.
  2. Thank you for sharing. I can't afford a lot of therapy but I need it! I know they're capable of love, they loved my brother. Now, had they treated him as they did me, I would say okay, they're just lacking in a lot of parental skills and love. That's what confuses me so much. I wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself "It's not you, it's them." That only works to certain extent. Sometimes I'm pondering and greiving about it without realizing that I'm doing it until I get all upset. I feel like the way they treated me, has made me the parent that I am. It looks as if they grew up with a rough childhood, they would do the logical thing and make it a point to be different than their parents were with them. I know I did. I got married at 17 and had a child a month after I turned 19. I said from the beginning, I would go above and beyond to be all that my children needed me to be. It comes natural as instinct, so I can't figure how they could be such cruel and uncompassionate people, unless their hearts are just made of pure stone. Even animals care for and take care of their young.
  3. Thank you, Lana. Someday's I can kind of accept that this is not my fault but other days I just can't accept it. I'd just like to see it, or hear it from a parent point of view. I'm terrible at overthinking things and trying to resolve problems. I feel like I should be able to fix it.
  4. Being almost 30, disowned by my parents for no reason at all, I'm trying to see things from their perspective. As most know, my brother died in may of 2011 from a drug overdose. Most also know that my parents considered him the "favorite" out of the two of us kids. My whole life I've been treated like dirt, and didn't really see that it had affected me until the last year or so. After my brother's death, they started verbalizing what I already had figured out, when they'd say things like "we've lost our only child" or "I could have coped better had it been you" and things of that nature. They've turned to threatening and harrassment the last few months, which is when I had to draw the line and cut off all contact with them. Their numbers are blocked from all phones and I avoid them at all cost. Still there is that unresolved hurt that lingers within that wonders why I'm not good enough to deserve their love, never have been good enough. I've thought of all the possible scenarios like is it because I was an unplanned pregnancy, was it because my mother nearly passed when she had me, was it because I was born prematurely and wasn't expected to make it but I did though I was a very sickly child and cost them lots of money in drs bills? Is it because I'm a girl? What was it? I have two children of my own. A two year old and an almost 10 year old. I could never imagine treating them the way my parents have treated me. I can't imagine one day telling them that I "disown" them, no matter what they may do. I do not love one more than the other. I would walk through hell and back to keep them from feeling one ounce of pain, I'd definitely never intentionally do anything to hurt them. Are there different types of parents? Is it common for parents to simply love one child and discard the other. I'd like to hear from someone who would be honest with me about their relationships with their children and their thoughts about favoritism. Can anyone here relate to my parents because they've acted in the same behavior. I'm just trying to understand. Everyday, I ask myself, " what did I do?" or "What can I do to make them love me?" It's emotionally straining and has destroyed me more than I've acknowledged. Just need to hear some thoughts so maybe I can get it out of my head that I'm defective or unwanted.
  5. Awww, thank you so much everyone. You guys have made my day more pleasant. (((((hugs)))))) I'm blessed to have such supportive, kind and loving people to help me, support me, and to care for me.
  6. Easter was so hard. I didn't have a good day at all. I really feel like I'm never going to get over this. The PTSD is sometimes too much to handle. I keep seeing him dead. I can't even watch the news or read the paper because I cry over everything. If a stranger dies, I grieve for the family as if it were my own. I'm screwed up forever.
  7. By the way Beth and Lana, if you don't mind, may I have your personal email. I finally gained the confidence to let myself be captured in a picture and I know I've been promising one for a while.
  8. Have you ever saw the light blue roses? That's my rose. It's unique just like me, I've had two of them in previous residences, and had to work really hard to get them to florish. I feel I'm the same way. It is going to take a lot of TLC to turn into something beautiful.
  9. Couldn't spare a dime at this point. Every bit of my money is going towards bills that piled up in the five months that we had no income. Perhaps when we get caught up on the bills, I can look into it. Thank you for the information, AP.
  10. I'm trying to find a way to channel my pain in a healthier way. Hopefully the poetry will become of a happier topic. My goal is to be more positive. I've got to do my part at finding closure in this matter.
  11. I was on Prozac before he decided to try Lamictal but the Prozac wasn't working at all. I thought I was doing better when he first put me on it, but now I think it was just because the Prozac was leaving my system. AP, I think my depression has worsened but I thought it was all in my head simply because the therapist said I would be noticably better by now. I figured if he said it would make me better, then I would be infact be doing better. But I'm just miserable! Due to not having insurance, I'll have to wait until the end of next month to see him about it. I dread trying to start another medicine. I've been on so many that it makes my stomach turn. Medicine is not the only answer, I believe it's just to aid with handling depression a small bit. I really need to start sessions with a psychologist but I'm broke!! It would be of great benefit to change my thought process when it comes to past events in my life and learn new ways to handle those emotions.
  12. The Garden Of Pain Just outside your back door Exists The garden of pain. Twisting thorns and weeds galore Where a rose tries to flourish in vain. Stunted by the darkened gloom That blocks all source of hope. The rose finds herself struggling to bloom In this place where it's difficult to cope. Before she opens to reveal Her beaufiful scarlet face. Her velvet petals start to peal Frozen in their place. Determined to thrive amoung the pain She tries with all her might. With nothing to lose everything to gain She see's a light in sight. She stretches high bypassing the gloom Her petals taking form. Her petaled face being torn thorn by thorn As the weeds start to swarm. Weaving through the twisted mess To finally reach that place. She looks at the dangers a little less Determined to reveal her face. Finally, alas, she breaks through it all Thriving in the sun. Above the thorns and rampant weeds she is standing tall Far from where she begun. Though her petals are with damaged ends And her stem slightly off set. In the sunlight she slowly mends From the dangers she had met. You'll look outside and see this rose Tattered from a fight. Amoung the mess, she's been stowed Where she has to fight with all her might. Don't let her defects take away From the beauty that she holds. It's not her fault she was planted this way, Where she faces her daily scolds. Underneath the tattered petals and scars Is a forgotten and loving soul. Bringing beauty from afar To that shadowed place where thorns control. Judge not by the wounds she bears Or the surroundings with which she's stuck. Because through this mess, she has faired Waiting to be plucked.
  13. My psychiatrist put me on this medicine about three months ago. A month ago he increased my dosage and said I should be noticing a difference within a couple weeks. I'm not noticing anything but declining stability in my mood and intense depression. It's a medicine used for bipolar but he specifically stated I wasn't bipolar, I was suffering from PTSD. When I first took the medicine, I could tell a difference in my mood, but as time went on, I've could tell I was getting worse. Does anyone here have any experience with this medicine? I'd like to hear what side effects, if any, you had, and how you reacted to treatment with this particular medicine. Thanks.
  14. My husband informed me today he believes it's silly for me to write the things I do, especially t'he post where I wrote letters to Charlie in the addiction section. I tried to explain I not only did it for myself, I hoped someone who was struggling with the beast addiction would read the letters of pain and truth I had written and think " I don't want my family to hurt like this" and seek help. Since he's lost many "friends", he thinks I should just get over it before I lose him. It's not that simple and I find it a shame that I will have to hide my grief from this point forward in order for him to better tolerate me. I feel like I'm losing everyone. Silence is deafening, and keeping silent, building a dam for the tears, and pretending is not going to help me get over it any quicker. I explained to him that I have no control over my mind when it comes to the PTSD. I will forever be traumatized because the death was sudden, unexpected, and just simply traumatic in so many ways. My parents don't understand, neither does my very own husband. I guess I'm not meant to be understood at this point in my life, or from this point forward. It makes me think all of you are thinking the same as they are. Just get over it, right. I'm alone in this battle. I feel defeated.
  15. Heart broken this morning..... Found this new song by my favorite artist which descibes my life at this point perfectly. Nobody understands. My son's birthday is coming up next month- charlie died the day of his first birthday party. I never got well enough to have that party. Had I not had to postpone it twice for my inlaws, his uncle charlie would have been able to come and I've had pictures of them together. My son will never know how great his uncle charlie was.
  16. There are lots of times I wish I could hold a little sunshine in my hands, or just reach up close enough to the heavens to touch my brother's hand one last time. Yesterday made ten months since he passed away, and I've really spiraled into a depressive state. Tonight I made it a point to sit on the porch and look up at the stars, telling myself he's better off up there, and that he can see me, he can hear me. But I just can't make myself believe that the tears I shed and the sobs that escape from me even when I try not to let them be heard, can be heard by him. I'm working harder and harder by the day to let him go hopefully I'll see progress soon. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better?
  17. Thank you, Beth. I really needed that tonight. I've been struggling the last 24 hours with the grief. I went to bed yesterday at 5 pm and woke up this morning at 6:30 am. I'm wearing myself out both physically and mentally. I started journaling again tonight in my quest for peace only to come to a conclusion I really didn't want to find. As human beings, whether it be with relationships gone sour, a mistake that we've made, etc., we need closure to move on. In most cases, in the situation above, though it may take time, we can get that closure because the other party involved is alive and we can we're sorry, or hear an apology, or do something to correct or mistakes. In this case, there will never be closure so I might as well stop looking for the peace I long for. I've tried making time for myself, thinking positive, taking time out for peaceful prayers and so much more. But something always brings up the guilt I feel, the sadness, the emptiness, what I should have done, what I didn't do, and what I would have done had I known. How do I move on to the next chapter in my life when I can't close this one? I'm drowning in guilt tonight because it was my responsibility to save him- any sister would have figured it out long before it ended as it did, but I didn't. That makes me feel like a failure- I failed him, and now he's gone.
  18. I hope you are safe and I pray for your peace of mind. Each and everyone of us have something about ourselves that we do not like, or we are very insecure about. That's what makes us human, right. These things do not make us failures, and the way you handle the situation doesn't make you a failure either. The only way to fail is to fail to try. I'm confident you can find positive things about yourself to focus on and not the idosecrecies. Please be safe and think more positive. Can you focus on something positive to keep you from SI that will keep your mind distracted and that will calm you down. We are here to talk to. Keeping your hands busy typing or chatting can keep you from SI. Hope you find inner peace today and praying for your comfort. Take care.
  19. It seems as if all the positive thoughts of him are being overshadowed by something else. I try to think about things we did together, the holidays we spent together with our kids playing and screaming in the background, and things from when I was little. I think back to when I was nine and he was going off to college, and how i cried for days because my big brother moved away. I had a lot of errands to run yesterday, so I was on the road pretty much all day long with my son. There were times I'd just burst into tears out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking of Charlie, and nothing triggered it, the tears just started falling. Instead of going to the grocery store last night, I decided I wanted do something to try to take my mind off of everything bad, so I went night fishing. We hadn't been there for more than 15 minutes before I had an emotional outburst and wanted to leave. I think I reacted that way because the last thing my brother and I did was go night fishing. I got this sick feeling in my stomach as I cried and I just longed to be able to go back to that last time, and relive it. My physical health and my anxiety has taken a lot away from me, including my abilities to do a lot of my hobbies. Fishing is seriously the only thing I have left, but I do believe the PTSD has taken that away from me too. I ask myself now, what can I do to unwind? I just wish I could find an escape every now and again. There are days I feel like I'm realizing he's dead all over again. Many times a day I just think it's too much for me to handle and that my life will forever be tears and sorrow. I know if I were to be able to sit down with Charlie and talk to him now, he would tell me he didn't want me to live like this, and none of what happened to him was my fault, he just kept it a wellkept secret. No matter how I reason it out, my mind is overloaded and nothing helps to ease the pain. I really wish I could seek counseling on regular basis as well, but the cut off my medical assistance after the six month review saying since I wasn't pregnant, they were taking the state assistance away. Things just don't make sense to me. Maybe someday they will.
  20. Thank you Andromeda, I wish the same for you. ONT="Courier New"][color I think back to 4 years ago, and think about how I used to be and wharom thoset f I've become. I had to overcome several traumatic experiences within a little over a year at the end of 2008 and 2009. Then ofcourse I thought I was recovering from that, Charlie passed away in May of 2010. I guess you could say I feel as though if I hadn't been so involved with what was going on with my life at that time, I would have noticed that something wasn't right and could have saved his life. I will always live with the guilt I feel. I was his sister, I should have known. Maybe that's why I wil forever be haunted by sadness, images of death, disturbed sleep, and held back from living my life. I feel like I'm being punished. Maybe that's why I can't see my neices and nephews? It's unusual that I can't and I never would have imagined there would be a day they would be kept away, but the punishment continues as I miss them growing up. The presents pile up from holidays and birthdays that I don't get to give, my daughter doesn't get to play with her cousins anymore which leaves a void in her heart as well. And ofcourse there is the hurtful words that come from my mother's mouth constantly to let me know in a way that she would rather it have been me than him. It's as thought she holds a grudge that I'm here and he's not. A person is supposed to take care of their parents regardless, and I continue to set myself up from these rants. My dad is ill, and I love him very much, and his life expectancy from his health problems are uncertain. I want to spend that time with him while I have it, with no regrets after he's gone, but she makes it miserable and takes away from the time I get to spend with him. I can't say a word to her, because my father believes I should respect her and what she says no matter how untrue, degrading, or hurtful it is. So I sit in silence and die inside a little more. I long for a mother who loves me. A mother figure. But I'll never have one. I know people have it far worse than I do, and I feel guilty for even venting about my problems. I don't know how people deal with it and continue to live a successful and productive life. Maybe I'll stumble upon that secret in my search for peace. Here's hoping.
  21. This loss for me hasn't begun to get easier, not even the slightest bit yet. People say with time, things will get easier, but I find that it's gotten worse. The last four days have been horrible as far as flashbacks, reliving his funeral, vivid dreams that would make a boxoffice hit if it were a horror movie. I miss him. I feel that the way I'm dealing with the grief at this point and time is the way I will have to get used to dealing with it for good. I fear it's permanent. I fear it wil drive me mad. I fear it will continue to create fears and continue to make me this emotional mess with crying outbursts, withdrawing myself from the outside world. I'm lying in bed now with the light on... not really wanting to turn it off. I somehow feel the light will protect me from what often lies in the darkness behind my eyes while I sleep. It's been a long, hard road, and I pray it gets easier, but as of right now, 10 months later, there's no relief in sight. It's very discouraging to think the rest of my life will be filled with this heart breaking grief. I don't want to be sad forever. Nobody does.
  22. Thank you so much my dear friends. Your words are soothing to my heart. I was in great need of the warmth tonight, for I've struggled emotionally all day long. Hope all of your days were blessed.
  23. I appreciate the private messages and posts to my blogs wishing me well during my absence from the forum. I apologize for not giving a notice, but one morning I just woke up and told myself I needed to heal, and I needed to find myself, even if it meant staying away from the loving friends on here. See, I don't think I realized it at first, but blogging and posting about my problems, and reading other posts were aggravating my circumstances- among other things. I've tried to heal, it seems as though I'll take two steps forward then three steps back. It's part of the process I guess. But I had to try to eliminate all stressors and aggravators when it came to dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety and gut wrenching grief. I'll be honest, my absence from the forum did not help, but atleast I tried. I've been keeping myself busy mostly, when I'm physically able, and dealing with the waves of sadness as they come. Whenever I feel really sad, I try to turn it into something beautiful. The last time I spiraled into a depressive state over the loss of my brother, I made from my own hands, something to put on his grave to represent my love. Here it is.
  24. Jenna520

    Si again

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time sweetie. I agree with IJ, is there anything you can do to distract your mind at the moment? People, yes, even family, say cruel words that hurt us deeply, that make us question our worth. Block out your mother's words, look at something you've made or think of an acheivement you've done, just some point in your life that you were proud. It could be a good report card, an art project you've made, an award, anything that say's "You did this and you can do anything". And by the way, I think you communicate just fine with people. You are a very sweet person and you do an excellent job with communicating on the board.
  25. Thank you, E. Nice to hear from you. Yes, it is very nerve racking waiting for test results. The only thing keeping me calm is God. Through prayer I've gained peace. If I'm pregnant, then ofcourse I'll be thrilled. If it's my thyroid, then it would explain the fatigue, the inability to lose weight lately, and my hair coming out. Or maybe it's all just stress.:confused: The office told me to call on Monday to see if they could look up the results on the computer, but the latest they would have them would be on Tuesday. Dad is on the mend, hopefully, though it is definitely going to take a while to recover. They want to wait atleast 90 days before they put the defibillator in. I think he will feel much better then. Just have to make sure his body gets rid of this infection before they place a foreign object in his heart, because if he had an infection, it would go straight to his heart. The last round of doctors he had were excellent- wonderful people, but then again, God is the greatest physcian. I'm in good spirits about everything at the moment. As for my mother, she's still my mother no matter how mean or disrespectful she may be. But right now, I must be respectful, cordial, and let her words go unheard to keep from adding stress to my dad. His health is much more important than worrying about getting my feelings hurt. Thank you for the reply. Your support helps tremendously. God Bless.
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