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soregretful

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About soregretful

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    Senior Member
  • Birthday 05/19/1978
  1. I just wish I knew what to do. Everyone I have told about this says healing has to come from within. I don't get it. How could I ever forgive myself for this when I was the one that caused it? I am just very uncomfortable all the time! There are no words I could ever say to communicate how sorry I am about all of this. It's like everywhere I turn is a dead end. I wish I was a better person, but I think that permanent damage is done. I don't know how to live with this!
  2. Is it possible that this is just about speedos and not kids? I mean I don't look at kids sexually, I'm just scared. I want to get into good therapy because I'm getting a refund. I don't want this to define me. I need help. I am afraid of being alive!
  3. I am just getting really scared that there is no way out of this. I feel so alone. I want help badly, but can any help erase the names of these sites? Can anything actually make me feel like a decent human being again? If not, I am scared to live like this.
  4. As of late, it has been mixed. I take so much pride in teaching....and for me to compliment myself on anything is rare....I am so good at it! I have ten requests for next year already, and that is something that I should be proud of, but I am not. It's like I am unable to focus on things I should be proud of. I have taken a break from dating, I just hate myself so much right now, and I am looking for a way to find self love for me. Parents love me, my students love me, my family loves me, it is just me that doesn't. Where I am right now, there is NOTHING that justifies me knowing the names of these "pedophilic" websites, even if I never went there with a sexual intent. You can see pictures of what I looked at by doing a google search, but I just can't understand why I am here. I mean, it's not like it's a difficult thing to do to stay away from "pedophilic" websites, especially if you are a teacher, but somehow, stupid me knows them. That is what I am having a daily struggle with. Why do I know this? If you were to ever see me interact with my class, you would probably want a teacher like me for your children, and I do have a VERY GOOD reputation for educating children. In my heart, I know I don't lust after kids. I didn't become a teacher to get closer to them, it is just that I thought that is where I could best use my talents, and I love it! I did try CBT, but I was referred after one session to a sex offender counselor. I don't feel like I am a sex offender, but I did go. I need help liking me again. Nothing I looked at was even illegal, which I have stated the whole time, even seeing some of it on YouTube! But what can I do to feel like I didn't break the law? I feel awful! I know I need therapy, but how can it help? I am just tired of letting this define me, regardless of when it happened (though in my eyes, to be happy, it never should have). Do I have OCD? I don't know. I just feel like if I didn't put these sites into my brain, I would have nothing to feel bad about. I have not one person to blame for this but me!
  5. Hello, I know that maybe some are sick of hearing from me, so I will keep this short. I have been recommended CBT? What are the logisitics of it? How does it work? I have a little bit of money to start trying, but I want to kind of know what to expect. Sorry to have bothered you.
  6. Just wanted to check in! Just feeling guilty knowing about something I wish I didn't. Never had any bad intent, but just feeling like this will never go away. Still going to try to have children in the next few months. Hopefully I won't be too depressed. I am really a good person!
  7. I am just curious about how this treatment will work...I am willing to do anything. I am back on meds...will they just help me forget? I am looking forward to a future that I can be proud of. I am feeling better than when I started here, I do know that. Thanks for your support, everyone!
  8. Any thoughts on this guys? I will admit something....when I was talking with my girlfriend about the possibility of becoming intimate, it was arousing. It felt like it probably should though. Maybe that's normal? I have not had any biological issues lately. I have kids all over me at work, and nothing happens. Could it be that I just blew this way out of proportion? Could it be that I just magnified the problem in my mind? I just know I don't feel like myself, but in two months, I am going to try to get intimate with my girlfriend and become a father. In my heart, I know it is what I want. Advice?
  9. Well here is the latest. My girlfriend is going off of some medication so we can try to get pregnant in two months. I hope this all works! She is risking a lot to become a mother. I don't want to let her down.
  10. Thanks! I am feeling better and wanting to propose. I am on meds for OCD again, so I hope I can get this off my mind! This happened before I met her so maybe I just thought I had to be perfect! I don't know. I didn't look at anything illegal so I am hoping I just feel better soon!
  11. I think I have decided to just try to go for my dreams. Nothing can erase the past, but I never broke any laws! What gets me is that when I started going out with my girlfriend, I was myself...maybe a little nervous, but totally myself. Life just pitched me a curve and I struck out! I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any better than last year. I just have to kind of be quick about this, as my girlfriend and I need this to happen soon for biological reasons. I am thinking of just sleeping with her...not in the sexual sense yet, but just to develop some intimacy and see where it takes me. I know who I am well enough to say I don't lust after kids. Keep praying for me! Thanks! SR
  12. No, I don't blame the internet, I totally blame me, believe me!! It's just that my life would be so much better if I didn't have that temptation out there in the first place! The speedo thing has always just been an interest of mine...that I am not making up. The funny thing is that this issue was dead and buried a while ago and depression bought it back. What happened to do that? I have gotten a lot of advice on here and it does help to talk. If you ever met me, you would see why I am upset. I am WONDERFUL with kids, and it just isn't me to have visited these sites. Maybe I didn't think through who the sites were intended for, I don't know. I just feel like this is something I never would have had to deal with given who I am and what I stand for!
  13. Not sure what meds will do, but I am back on them. Came close to losing my home! Sometimes I would like to trade lives and have nothing, like the internet, at least this couldn't have happened!
  14. I don't know why I know the address of a pedophilic website! It really wasn't anything more than the speedo pics with kids, but I am a teacher and am just disgusted! I can not even say how sorry I am! Just today my kids were telling me how much they loved me, which is awesome, but why did I do this? Am I going to just think about this all the time? I want to find a way to get this off my mind for good! I am do sorry! I don't want to hurt any kiddos or look at them sexually. And all over speedos! Ugh! Makes me sick! I wanted to be a dad, but I may have to let that go!
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