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Andromeda

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Everything posted by Andromeda

  1. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I like flowers (I didnt like them only when I had to study for my botany exam )Thank you IJ. I went to dentist. My tooth was bad, I had pulpite and the dentist remove the nerve of the tooth,because it was dead. She is going to treat the tooth and she will try to save it. I hope it wont be nessesery to remove it. Now it dont hurt so much, but maybe I will have to take antibiotic, because infection was bad. I had temperature yesterday thats why I didnt write soon. My doctor thinks that I have problem with thyroid hormones, but I will try to change my diet too.
  2. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I cant take anymore. One of my is teeth is bad again and hurts so much. I know I have to go to dentist,but I cant afford it right now. If I go I cant pay my exams. I feel so alone with my problems. Im so tired everything to hurt. My bones and teeth are so weak. I cant understand why maybe its genetic. Im such a burden.
  3. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I didnt get the job even if I found safe way to go home. But I talked fine with people and It wasnt so scared. I dont know maybe they didnt like how I look, maybe they wanted someone more beautiful. I dont know. It doesnt matter now.
  4. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    The biggest problem is place where the work is. To go home after work I have to pass some not nice streets without so much lamps and I know this part of city is not really save. So going alone at night is a little scary.
  5. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Yesterday from one place called me for job. Im so scared, because if I get the job I have to talk a lot with people and even thinking this makes me terrified. I feel I cant breathe and Im going to vomit. I have to go tomorrow to see if I get the job. I dont think I will get it, because I cant talk fine with others. The other problem is that this job is not on good place. I will be home at 10 at night and Im little scared to go alone from work to home. I dont know what to do. I need job and I dont want to look like persoh who makes excuses, but I dont know what to do.
  6. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Thank you for asking. On Friday I wasnt fine. I felt anxiety and I felt sick like I was going to vomit. There wasnt reason or something, but with so much problems I guess its not so strange to happen. Yesterday and today I was in park again. It was sunny and not so cold so I didnt stay at home. I was little scared that anxiety may become strong again so I went for walk. I started to talk with one woman with dog in the park . She didnt have where to sit so she sat near me and we started talking about her dog. So I had company. Today my friends came to visit me and It was nice to see them. I was little disappointed when I looked for jobs for molecular biologist. Of coure now I cant work something like that. Now I started to search for something more simple. But I think even if I have my degree I dont think its possible to work something like that. They want to candidate to be perfect in so many things, because there is not so many places where someone whats molecular biologist, but if they want somebody they want the best. I guess I made mistake to study this and all my hard work looks like for nothing.
  7. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    This is a lot how I feel
  8. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I couldnt see my friends these days, because I didnt have money for transport. Because I dont live in center of the city and they do. I have to start to study for other exams, they will be November so I have time. I only hope I will have money for them. Im just afraid that I look like person who dont take seriously studying because people dont know my problems and they say that I dont do anything expect learning and still didnt pass my exams. They dont know my struggles, but Im starting to belive that they are right. My condition looks so much like excuse and not like real problem.
  9. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I was with my aunt again for one week and I passed one of my exams even if I was so depressed some days before it. I feel like I dont move and my life is just same days without plans about future. I want to feel like Im not monster and I understand that you have point Lala, but its so hard to accept what you said on emotional level. When OCD started when I was 12 I started feeling like that. Im scared of anger, Im trying to accept it just as emotion,but in myy family my father and mother are often angry and I dont like how they treat people when they feel it.I dont want to become like them.
  10. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Monster for me Lala is somebody who dont care enough for others, even if pretends to. But inside there is something not good. This is person who is sometimes so angry and whats to be like others, but cant, because sometimes hates eveything even himself. But he cant change who he is even if people try to love him. Well I dont know if I explained it fine,but............. Today I went to study in park, but I cant focus. But I wasnt at home all day so this is something, right?
  11. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I feel so low these days. I dont know if its my fault that I feel like that or is only chemical imbalance. I will think about what monster means for me and I will write later.
  12. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I know maybe its OCD, but when I think I may hurt them I feel like monster. Even if I know its just a urge and I dont want it. And who will want to stand by me in moments like that.
  13. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well morning was bad. Later my friends called me and we talked and Im little better for now and I went to walk in the park. I just dont feel like good person I feel like monster and so guilty. One part of me wants to say to my frients to see me and to understand that Im awful. Other part wants they to stay, but this is selfish. I dont think its compulssion IJ. I wanted it.
  14. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Hi sed I visited my aunt and I had some peacful and nice moments so Im fine. At least on surface everything looks normal. But well today I was tired and Im trying to study and not let depression to ruin it. Im scared, because last night I felt urge to self harm. I dont even know why. I mean everything is like always, there is no reason to feel it and like I said I had some happy moments. I know that its better when I talk with somebody but Im always saying same things and why to bother people. I know you said that its not problem to repeat myself,but still is it right? Im mean my problems arent so important. How are you sed?
  15. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I dont feel so bad or something, but I find in my country there isnt suicide hotline. This is so stupid
  16. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I was 4 days near the sea with my father and brother. It was kind of fun and I tried to relax a little. I went to the resturant with my colleagues and it was great night and it wasnt so expensive . After that I had 2 nice days with my friends. We went to one lake near my town. So not everything was bad. I needed something like this, because last month was awful, because my mother and father didnt stop to fight and my stress was too much. And now my father is angry, because I dont have bachelor degree and he said I wasted his money. I know he is right about that. But I dont want every conversation he to remind me how I failed. I feel guilty enough.
  17. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well not in club. It will be more official in resturant with all my colleagues I have to find dress if I want to go and eveything will be expensive. I just dont want to waste a lot money and I dont feel I deserve to go. I mean if I wasnt fail maybe it will be a nice idea to go and talk with people, but now Im not so sure. Yes Lala you are right. Here apartaments are really small. I cant stop feeling guilty. I feel that after OCD I cant care for people that I love, I sometimes dont feel anything towards them. I dont know whats wrong with me. Am I not able to care for others?
  18. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I dont have summer plans. Maybe going in park every day. I have never had real vacancion so I dont think I ever had plans for summer. Before I went to my grandmother house and it was great to watch stars. Because her house was in small city. I felt peacful. But since she died I stay only at home. The only thing that may happen is to go to prom ( I dont know if there is other english word, because its after finishing university), but Im not sure. I dont graduate this year. But my friends want me to go. I will see.
  19. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well same as always I guess. I dont feel so bad. Im not depressed and I passed all my exams from this semester. Now I have to start studying for exams that I didnt pass last year. But I need rest before that. Im just angry that I will not graduate this year and I feel bad when I see my classemates from school. Some of them already graduate and even if Im trying not to-I feel bad. My friends from university are making plans for the future and I feel like Im depressing them, because Im depressed around them and Its like Im ruining their happines with my bad moods and anger. Its not their fault. But I cant pretend that Im fine. My father wasnt in home last months, but now he will come to see us. My mother is in shock and she is crying, because she dont want he to come. Im ready for more fightings when he come.
  20. Look I have tons of really dark body hair too on my legs. I think all girls have. They just remove it.I dont even shave my legs so much in winter, because I have too much other problems and working in lab makes me tired and I dont have time to think how I look. Well I never really cared so much how I look, but maybe its just me.So dont worry about it. If you have on your abdomen maybe you have hormonal disbalanse. I had some when I was a teneeger and doctor gave me pills and things became normal. And if somebody dont like how you look is their problem not yours. Take care
  21. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I went in the park today. It was nice and I tried to write and tried not to focus on my problems. But I started to cough a lot these days. I hope its just flu or cold, not from the molds in home.
  22. Tina there is nothing to be sorry for. I worry about a lot of things too.
  23. Its not bad to study only English. Even if you go to country where people speak different language you can learn it later. You really dont have to worry so much about this. We still dont know what will happen.
  24. Andromeda

    Tired

    Im tired. OCD is making me do everything over and over again. I know I have to distract myself with something, but even reading a book is hard, because I have to read the page right if I feel like I dont or something similar I have to start again
  25. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well I dont like exercise, but maybe walking in the park is good idea. It helps sometimes to clear my mind.
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