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Andromeda

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Everything posted by Andromeda

  1. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Maybe Im really too stressed.
  2. Im sorry you are feeling so bad, but I can understand you. In high school I didnt have even one friend and kids were mean to me. I wanted to disappear so many times. Now Im in university and Im studing science. Science is hard, but even if you cant understand something at the moment doesnt mean that you will not understand it later or that you are stupid. You are not stupid. You cant always be the best student. There always will be someone better than you. But that doesnt matter. Try not to think about others. Focus only on yourself Now in university I have friends. Im not going to lie you I still feel bad and not good enough sometimes, but I feel that there are people who likes me just the way Im. Things can get better.
  3. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    My health is not great, because my tooth is infected again and I have to pay more money. And at home we have molds again and this is really uncomfortable. We tried to clean it, but it appears again. Most is in my room so the smell is bad even if I used to it. By I had some not so bad days even if I had to study for exams. Im trying to be more in the park and trying not to overthink too much. Even if it is hard. IJ you wrote Well its different every time. Sometimes I think too much and start to worry to much and when I think about my situation I start to feel bad even suicidal. Sometimes I want somebody to just be near and tell me that things wont always be like this. I know this is pathetic. I dont know why I want somebody close to me. I always was fine alone.I know things wont became perfect. I just want things to be bearable.
  4. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    This is my plan,sed. I want to find a job and not to live with my family. But for now cant. Even if I find a job it will be too expensive to get out even if I live with roommates. When I talked with my mother about that idea she said that I wont find job. Im really feeling insecure and talking on interview will be so difficult.
  5. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I just dont know what to do and everything seems so pointless. Im falling in depression again even if Im trying not to. I cant adapt to the world.
  6. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I didnt write because I didnt really know how I feel. Some days were great. I and my friends went to Science festival and was fun, but I cant stop feeling suicidal when Im alone. I dont know what I will do with exams. I dont know if my parents will be angry about them, but I feel guilty. If I pass them next year I have to pay for final exam 150 euro. I only waste money. I just feel like burden even to my friends. They know I dont have a lot money and sometimes they pay when we go to resturants or cinema.I understand that this means that they like me, but I still feel sometimes uncomfortable. Because Its like they give me so many things and Im not giving them anything. Yesterday my mom went crazy and broke lots things at home. I guess not having money makes her have these kinds of crisis. One of my friend wanted to go to her apartament for the night, but I didnt want to bother everybody with my problems. OCD is back- not so worse like before, but still not nice feeling. And like I said maybe everybody will be better without me.
  7. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I had some good days in the park with my friends, because weather was sunny. But well everything is back as ususal- problems with money,fights. I lost one chance to pass exams from last year, because I didnt have the money. So I dont think I will graduate this year. I feel like I disappoint everybody that knows me,like always. I hope that I will have one last chance in end of June, but Im not sure. In one of your post Lala you said about that Im not accepting that I have childhood trauma and you are right that I feel guilty and Im blaming myself, I feel bad about things that happened to me, because I really dont feel like they are worth to even mention. I just dont want to look like someone who wants attention for unimportant things. Maybe I was wrong ? And well I dont want people to pity me too or to be angry at me for bothering them. Its so hard to accept that fault is not only mine and to accept that Im traumatized. Im trying to understand what you said, but its hard to feel like I have right to say that I felt scared and hurt so many times. Maybe part of the problem to blame only myself is OCD. When I was kid I felt so guilty and I felt like I dont deserve good things and Im bad and not nice. I didnt know I have OCD. Later kids at school told me same things and I know this was just bulling, but it hurt a little. And now I feel hurt even if somebody makes me compliment. Because my first reacion is that this person is making fun of me and I dont feel it like real compliment I cant stop blaming myself even now. I ruined even good memories in my life. I could have great vacantions with my aunt and grandmather, but I ( OCD ) ruined them. I always ruin everything I will have procedure maybe end of May, because in univerity we have vacancion now and my freinds cant go with me. I think is a word but Im not sure.
  8. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Everything is stressful and falling apart these days. I need rest, but even if I dont do anything important I still feel I cant breath and my muscles feel tense
  9. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well Im still not sure I have childhood trauma. I mean it wasnt that bad. Some children have so much bad childhood than me.
  10. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Well Im busy most of the time in university. I was sick last week with awful flu. I couldnt get out of bed, but Im fine now. I went to doctor about my stomach and he wants me to go for Esophagogastroduodenoscopy and Im a little scared and my mother scared my even more, because she said that this can cause me more problems My friends will come with me when or if I go, but Im still not sure. They even was little angry, because they said that I dont take care of my health. But they cant understand how I feel. All my problems wont go away so fast. Other things are like always. I still have to pass some exams from last year, but I have to pay for them 25 euro. In my country thats a lot of money and Im not sure I will find them. Im more inadequate on lactures and I still dont feel like I deserve to have good and normal things in life. I know this sounds stupid, but I dont feel it
  11. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    No in my country still psychotherapy is paid, because like they said psychologist is not real doctor and if I want to go to psychiatrist only one session is free. I guess people just suffer. Most people prefer to have something to eat than take care for mental health. Its sad that they have to choose between two important things. I dont know Lala I still dont think that my parents have fault, because they didnt make my OCD and it was all my fault that I didnt cope with it and its not their fault that Im not good enough. I felt suicidal these days at least at night and Its hard to stop feeling like this, but I had some nice days with friends.
  12. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Thank you for support I was tired this week. My tooth is infected and I had to take antibiotic,but it made me really sick. I dont know how I will pay for this tooth. I had some problems with stomach and doctors think I have ulcer, but they arent sure for now. I know this problems arent so important and I need just to be strong and to stop complain about them, but I need to talk about them
  13. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    Its not like they dont want to pay my master degeree, I will try to get master degree maybe not next year, but maybe after next year.(I hope so) I just dont feel right my parents to pay for it and I know my father works hard and I dont want to bother them. Its hard moment for everybody in my family, because we dont have enough money and master degree is more expensive. I know that maybe Im too dramatic, but future dont seems good. Im trying to stay positive, but there is moments that Im just falling appart. I want to be more strong and Im pretending that everything with me is fine, but my facade sometimes dont work fine. I will talk maybe with my friends about my fears, but that dont change things. I used to feel that I have people that care about me and now wil be more hard to be alone. About the work I really dont feel like somebody who is capable to be good at work. Im feel insecure and Its pathetic I know, but Im little scared. Even my mom said that I will never find job, because Im strange and not like everybody. I dont care so much how I look and I dont look presentable. I dont know we will see. Im just scared that I will fall in depression again an dont wnat to start self harm, like in school. Writing and taking photos helps a little not to feel depressed.
  14. Andromeda

    Im worthless

    I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.
  15. I feel tired of feeling like this

  16. Andromeda

    numb

    I write, but Its hard to write now . When I was in high school writing helped me a lot to express feelings, but now I cant.
  17. Andromeda

    numb

    I think you are right about education, Lala. I dont know why everything seems hopeless when things arent so bad I guess. Maybe its because part of me is scared that this is my last year in university with same people and next year all my friends will go in different countries to study for master degree and I dont know what will do if Im alone again. I want to find something to hold on. But when I stay at night I only feel numb like Im seeing my life from distance. Even my memories dont feel mine. They look more like movie and so far away. Is this deperssion too ?
  18. Andromeda

    numb

    I dont know why I fight so much, because I feel like I cant do anything right. I cant write and Im not sure Im good enough for science
  19. Andromeda

    numb

    I tried to listen music , but its hard to feel. Maybe I felt too much and now its like my mind is shut down and I cant feel Last week I was so depressed I even wanted to self harm again and now its like nothing matters and Its like Im seeing my life from distance
  20. Andromeda

    numb

    I feel totaly numb. I dont want to go out and even going to university seems too much. Im tired of everything and I dont see reason why
  21. My theacher isnt at work now. My brother said that she is ill so maybe I will go before Christmas. Thank you for support. I wasnt sure if my feelings are normal and I was thinking that maybe you will think Im stupid and pathetic, but you said that my feelings are normal I feel better and I think I wont be so scared to go when I have to
  22. Im sorry that you are suffering now. I understand problems with medical system, because in my county problems are same . Thats why I never went to see therapist even if I needed( and sometimes still need ). My father is like yours sometimes he is nice and later he is so angry and different. Its normal to feel disappointed that your parents didnt see everything that you accomplished and you didnt get prise that you deserved, but sometimes is not so important other people to see or understands. Its more important that you tried and gave everything you can. That makes you grow as a person. Im sorry that you feel lonely. Loneliness is painful feeling. I didnt have friends in high school and I was always alone. I know depression is awful and even I have friends now in university still want sometimes they to leave me, because I feel I dont deserve them. You may feel that things cant get better, but they can. You can always write to me if you want Take care
  23. Im sorry to hear about your problems Beth . I hope you will feel better soon. Take care of yourself
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