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Mental Support Community

Mr. Encyclopedia

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  • Content Count

    7
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Mr. Encyclopedia last won the day on March 21 2012

Mr. Encyclopedia had the most liked content!

About Mr. Encyclopedia

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 02/21/1991

Profile Information

  • Biography
    Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome

Converted

  • Location
    Canada
  • Interests
    Area Studies; Geography; Political Science; Chess; Photography; Spiders; Maps; Buses
  • Occupation
    Unemployed
  1. Mr. Encyclopedia

    Fear of Sex?

    Thank you for such a supportive and kind post, IrmaJean . It is uncommon for me to be able to discuss this subject online within a respectful environment. To be honest I have little experience seeing or being around others that are in relationships based on trust and respect regardless of the kind of relationship. Interpersonal relationships have always seemed abusive and all about power and selfishness to me. I’ve seen so few, if any, relationships between adults that didn’t fit this description. My parents certainly did not seem loving to me. They insulted, beat, and abused each other all the time, and my extended family is not much different. Relationships have always seemed like dictatorships whereby there is a clear power hierarchy and you’re expected to obey that person, while there is a constant undeclared war to break the other and take control for yourself. I’ve always felt like the rule of relationships was that I am expected to bow to a female in a relationship and devote everything to her. Friendships aren’t immune from this, either. My friends never cared about how I felt and they never listened to me. Now I have one close friend whom is an Internet friend in the United States that I met once in Montana that treats me with such kindness and love that I am totally taken aback and am unsure of what to make of it. I’m only now learning what ‘friendship’ is. Sex is bizarre to me. I don’t think I have ever witnessed or otherwise known of a relationship where there was consent, respect, kindness, and gentleness with each other.
  2. Mr. Encyclopedia

    Dealing with Perfectionism and Self-Hatred *Triggering*

    My best friend in the United States tells me that she thinks I am strong (if that was what you intended to imply?). It makes me feel better when she or others tell me that because it makes me feel like I am not a total failure. I will read the link to Tony Attwood’s website soon. Recently I finished reading his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. I understand the need to have supportive individuals around me, but the fact is that that is much harder done than it is said. I haven’t been able to meet anyone that liked me enough to want to be around me. The truth is that I am rejected, rebuffed, shunned, ostracized, and tormented wherever I seem to be. Nor do I live in a populated area that allows me to be more socially active. Socializing is one of my greatest frustrations.
  3. Mr. Encyclopedia

    Yesterday *Triggering*

    Hi, Yesterday did not end well for me. I was taken to the hospital by the police and the emergency room doctor stitched my right arm back together after an episode of self-harming. The doctor also prescribed me antibiotics to fight infection. The police officer did tell me that he thought I was the smartest person he’s ever met, which made me feel better. Something that has been frustrating me is that I feel like nobody understands me. Whenever I talk to someone about what is bothering me it is like I am talking a foreign language to them; it makes me feel disconnected and alone. Furthermore it is frustrating because I have almost no one in my life that helps me. I don’t have friends and family to talk to. All I have is a therapist I see every few weeks and an email pen pal in the United States. Nobody is ever there for me when I need it because there is nobody or they’re unable to be there. Just wanted to express this to someone.
  4. Mr. Encyclopedia

    I'm a Failure

    Bleeding a little on my right arm from holding a razor blade to it. Wasn’t intending to punish myself but I obviously was putting more pressure on the knife than I had thought. My left arm is too deeply and badly scarred for it to be of any use for self-harming anymore. I’ve burned it and had it stitched together enough times that it is done. My right arm is still a virgin, though. I feel like a failure. Every time I look in the mirror all I see is the broken, crooked, dented, scarred, and infected me. I hate my crooked teeth and can’t afford do do anything about it, and I hate having a skin disorder. Moreover I feel like I don’t do anything right. I’m a hideous failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
  5. Mr. Encyclopedia

    Fear of Sex?

    I have been having issues coping with a profound fear of sex. I have never had sex but I was sexually abused when I was a child, an issue that I am dealing with a therapist whom specializes in trauma. No matter what the context the thought or images of sex can send me into a downhill spiral of anxiety and fear to a point that I can have a panic attack. It is my worst fear. I have little experience with relationships, love, intimacy, sex, and socializing. Being autistic, it can be painfully difficult to find others able to accept me, therefore I have spent a vast majority of my life alone working on my unique interests. A few months ago I came across pornographic videos online and was horribly disturbed by what I saw; it looks barbaric to me. How could I do that to a woman? Nor do I understand the thought process behind it. I love someone so I want to violate them? I don’t see the connection. It seems like such a horrible thing to do! And those videos have been ingrained into my photographic memory. I’ve tried asking others about this but nobody seems to understand me. There are almost no resources online for me about this. I see sex as being vulnerable, exposed, and violated. Can anyone offer me some advice?
  6. Perfectionism is an issue I have had for a long time. (Some forums have requested posts to tone down the level of self-harming and abuse talk. I apologize if I have said too much or am too graphic in this post. I added the trigger warning in case that happens.) As a child I was beaten, threatened, and abused for making mistakes. My dad used to beat me with belts, backhand me until I was bleeding in the face, sexually abused and humiliated me, threatened to kill me, and so forth over mistakes and schoolwork (although the sexual abuse might not be connected?). Teachers also degraded and abused me to a point that I was having epileptic episodes, and in my report cards it said that I am “retarded” and am “unlikely to ever succeed in life.” In elementary school I was armed with a pocket knife and was prepared to stab my dad if he hit me again, and I first self-harmed to a point of hospitalization when I was eight or nine years old and first thought of suicide over a less than perfect school grade when I was about 10. Now I am 21 years old. My life has been difficult to say it mildly. I was in a mental hospital in 2008, tried to kill myself in 2008, self-harmed so a point that there is no feeling left in certain areas of my body, and my dad shot himself in 2009 and our house was repossessed. I have been diagnosed with a Pervasive Developmental Disorder subtype known as Asperger’s Syndrome in the autism spectrum; Obsessive Compulsive Disorder; Social and Generalized Anxiety; Major Depression; and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have tried to attend university several times in the past several years. The first university I visited I left feeling horrible about myself because I wasn’t able to understand everything (was visiting). The second university campus I left crying because I couldn’t figure out how to register and disability services wouldn’t help me. The third university that I did register and attend classes at I left twice being hospitalized, the second time requiring an emergency response unit to see if I had killed myself, and I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance to fix the damage I did self-harming. The fourth university I left after planning a suicide and feeling like it wasn’t for me. I want to feel better about life and who I am but I have a hard time with this perfectionism . I feel like I must be perfect and have this all-encompassing fear of not being good enough, and I am told I can be extremely hard on myself with unrealistic expectations. The difficulty I have is thinking positively about who I am despite any flaws or imperfections that I have. Most of the time I think that I am a failure with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and when I self-harm I always do it believing that I deserve to be punished for being who I am or making a mistake. My best friend - an American pen pal of mine of 5 years and whom I drove to the U.S. to meet and am planning to do that again - tells me she thinks I am incredible. Her exact words are: “I think you're honest, loyal, kind, loving, understanding, accepting, trustworthy, and incredibly thoughtful.” However, I have a hard time seeing past imperfections and failures of mine, whether it be that I have crooked teeth and a skin disorder or that I have difficulties with school and several other areas in life. I am having a real hard time with perfectionism and am unsure of what to do. Was hoping I could receive some advice on this website . The websites I have read online don't apply to the extreme form of perfectionism that I have.
  7. Mr. Encyclopedia

    Introduction to Me

    Hello, I am supposed to introduce myself in this forum before I have access to the entire website. I’m Mr. Encyclopedia. I am 21 years old and I live in Canada. The reason I became a member of this website is because I would like to have an outlet to discuss some personal issues of mine and to receive advice and support, but I have unfortunately had issues on most other forums due to mistakes I have made or a misunderstanding of some kind with one or more users. The latter is the most common reason; I post something I think is harmless, it is interpreted in a manner I didn’t intend, and I have nothing but difficulties with using that forum henceforth. I hope I have a better experience here. About me… I was diagnosed with a form of autism known as Asperger’s Syndrome. (Perhaps that explains some of the communication issues I have had on other forums.) Other issues I struggle with are Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social and Generalized Anxiety, Major Depression, self-harming, perfectionism, and I was told by a therapist I have symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; as a child, I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. I have numerous hobbies and interests that others find surprising and unique to me. For 15 years I have been raising tarantulas, true spiders, centipedes, and scorpions in captivity. Now I specialize in tarantulas of the subfamily Ornithoctoninae and centipedes in the order Scolopendromorpha. I don’t have as many as I used to but I hope to expand my collection in the near future. In addition to the above I also enjoy studying insects and arthropods of all kinds. Pseudoscorpions are the most interesting of wild arthropods in Canada that I have encountered followed by Scutigeromorpha centipedes and Pompilidae wasps. Area studies is the subject I am most interested inn. It’s a multidisciplinary study that focuses on a specific nation or geopolitical region and encompasses history, economics, peace and conflict studies, demographics, political science, geography, and other disciplines. The Middle East, North Africa, West Africa, the Horn of Africa, South Asia, Central Asia, and de facto states are my areas of expertise, or mostly where Islam is a dominate religion. Geography is an interest in itself for me; I love understanding how the Earth works. Deserts and desert landscapes interest me the most, especially ergs, which happens to correspond to the regions of the world I am most interested above. Also such things as rock types, plate tectonics, caves, and volcanoes interest me. Peace and conflict studies and politics are also subjects I am interested in. Unlike so many others, I like to understand conflicts that happen in the world. If an invasion, civil war, bombing, assassination, or anything else happens in the world, I want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how of it, whether it be in Syria, Somalia, Abkhazia, and beyond. As for the politics, I associate with Marxism-Leninism and with strong left-wing principles, and I applied to become a member of the Communist Party of Canada. In my office I have the flags of Libya (before the civil war); the United Arab Emirates; Kenya; Turkey; the Democratic Republic of the Congo; Egypt; Sweden; India; Nigeria; Venezuela; Ethiopia; Vietnam; Somalia; Norway; Sri Lanka; Thailand; Mexico; Indonesia; Chad; Bangladesh; Iran; Iceland; Burkina Faso; Afghanistan; Pakistan; Colombia; Guyana; Ecuador; South Korea; the People’s Republic of China; Finland; Sudan; Saudi Arabia; Brazil; and the United Nations. I can recite all the world’s capital cities in alphabetical order of countries entirely from memory. Also in my office I have over 20 feet of world maps from organizations like Rand McNally, National Geographic, and Oxford; multiple globes; several atlases, encyclopedias, and gazetteers including the Encyclopedia Britannica, The WorldMark Encyclopedia of the Nations, and The Columbia Gazetteer of the World; I have framed insects and arthropods ranging from Swallowtail Butterflies from Southeast Asia to Israeli scorpions and Japanese hornets. I love chess. I love the logic used in it and the mental exercise that it is. While I was in high school I was in a chess club and played it against other students in the Asperger’s program. I was known for my abilities in chess then. I also like photography. Mostly I photograph insects in the wild during the summer and I am currently in the process of ordering new DSLR equipment to better my photos. I love reading. Encyclopedias and atlases are my favourite to read. However, I do read a considerable amount of nonfiction on political subjects and novels that are historical and based on a female perspective. Buses are interest of mine as well. One of my first interests as a child was with buses. My favourite is the Prevost H3-45. I have no explanation for this interest. I have dropped out of university several times and I have deduced that it is not a place I want to be. Instead I want to become an intercity bus driver or attend a community college and study geographic information systems with a concentration in cartography. Hope this is sufficient proof that I am not spam . Cheers, Mr. Encyclopedia.
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