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About Kitkat1993x

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  1. Yes, I could talk to them, they're available 24/7 but I have problems with talking to people on the phone. I am angry at myself, I hate myself, I think I'm an absolute burden, disgusting and a horrible horrible person. Haha, that made me smile, thank you. Yes, I am aware and I have done it before. Last time I managed a month and it landed me in hospital. This time...I don't know where it will take me. I don't really care to be honest. I don't know what will change it as I can't control it.
  2. I feel so irrational, agitated and angry. I just want to smash my face in, cut myself too deep or hang myself. I don't want to eat from 1st December. I'm not going to. I can't write this anywhere else 'cause my friends are trying to recover. I want to die. One of the side effects of Quetiapine, which has recently been doubled in dosage for me, is Seroquel Anger. Anyone heard of it? I'm currently a disgusting abusive cow. I can't stand myself. Help.
  3. Is what doing something for me, sorry? I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered from your ex-wife. That's not right at all. Yes, I see what you mean. I don't know, I have MASSIVE self-contempt so that's probably the root of both my Depression and Anorexia.
  4. I get angry CONSTANTLY at the moment. Over every little thing and I store it up and store it up and explode at my parents and friends. Does anyone else get this? I'm really really scared I'll be violent and physically hurt someone. I used to have problems with anger during my nervous breakdown and I was violent and I used to trash the house and kick and abuse my parents and now I'm just verbally abusive and I hate it and I don't mean to be and I'm scared.
  5. Oh right, that doesn't sound good at all, that sounds pretty scary. I was in the 'acute' section of the mental health wards. I was in with some violent patients, I remember one that used a plant pot from the lounge to smash the window. God that was scary, I leapt up from the chair and ran back to my room! Yes I understand that too, as they argued that you could become institutionalized and 'patient-like' in an oppressive environment like hospital. I don't think so, I was in my last year of College and was getting stressed about it and my Anorexia relapsed BADLY and I started taking diet pills at the age of 17 which my friend who was a couple of stone heavier than me, bought for me. (I know, I know, it's so bad) It got to one night that I'd taken more pills than I should have and I was shaking and cold-sweating and crying and panicking and I couldn't breathe and I told my Mum's friend everything and she came and told my Mum and I got admitted to hospital. It wasn't til I came out of hospital (having been moved from a private hospital to an NHS hospital on my 18th birthday) that I started thinking about committing suicide. I'd had suicidal thoughts for a long time but never acted on them. I took my first overdose a couple of months after coming out of the Psych Hospital. I think it made me worse. I've been depressed, as I say, since I was 9, but suicidal since 17. I guess I just had enough of fighting 24/7. I think about suicide, I act on suicide, I dream about suicide, I visualize suicide...I can never get any release from it... I just want to act on it. To go. To die.
  6. Thank you, IrmaJean, I really appreciate your concern and your listening ear. I hope they care, I just feel like I'm beyond help right now and the only way to get out of this pain is to kill myself. The light metaphor is beautiful, I'll use that again! Yes, I have a very supportive friend who's miles away but we talk every day and she's also struggling so we fight through it together even though are diagnoses are entirely different. My parents are supportive and do so much for me but they don't really understand. I don't know how to keep myself safe, all my medication is locked in a safe 'cause I overdosed on it constantly... I hope you're okay x
  7. Hi, malign, thank you for replying. I guess it does. It just doesn't to many people, they're just like 'and?' haha. I don't know, I have a real insecurity in whether I matter or not. I guess I take everything as failure and rejection. Yes, I will be talking to my STR worker tomorrow as she didn't ring me this afternoon like the hospital assessment promised. She knows how desperate I am and how I have to be willing to change in order to recover from this and at the moment, all I want to do is die. No, the assessment wasn't much apart from discussing my situation and my plans and possible hospitalization. They didn't suggest anything to do apart from to play on the Nintendo Wii for 10 minutes a day to distract myself. I found something more productive to do and cleaned the kitchen after they left instead to take out my frustration and sadness. Yes I guess it is. I don't know as I was hospitalized in an adolescent unit AND an adult unit, and now they're saying it's not the right environment for a 19 year old. I'm 20 next May. The unit is for 18-100 year olds with Dementia, Psychotic Illnesses and Scizophrenia, as well as suicide risks, Depression...it's also not an Eating Disorder unit which is what I've been hospitalized for twice this year and last year once in different places. My STR/Care worker is VERY supportive and understands how I feel with the Depression/Dysthymia/Chronic Depression/Whatever it is, but she's never been through it herself which is why I thought this forum would be helpful. A friend recommended I went on it and I thought 'why not'. Thank you for being so kind and caring, I really appreciate your support. x
  8. SORRY IT'S SO LONG, PLEASE DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO READ ALL OF IT, I'VE INDICATED THE BIT I NEED TO BE READ IN ITALICS. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia/Chronic Depression after having Clinical Depression for near enough 10 years. I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 9 after my Grandfather whom I loved dearly passed away from Cancer. I didn't go to school for a year, didn't leave the house, was home tutored, got VERY angry and destroyed the house constantly...I was vile during that year. Basically, to cut a long story short I have self-harmed for 2 years and have 8 suicide attempts to my name in just under 2 years. Doesn't sound a lot but it has got me about 6 hospital admissions and 3 A&E visits for glueing in an even shorter amount of time. I write poems when I'm stressed. So like, basically, the poem's about my head, but it's on paper. So, all my thoughts and feelings and emotions spill out into a poem and I can't control the darkness of these poems. My most recent one was written in the form of a suicide note titled 'No tears shall fall'. I guess that shows you how highly (ha) I think of myself and how much I think about suicide. I showed it to my STR worker and she referred me back to the crisis team, aka Hospital At Home for my area (I don't know if it's changed in all areas) and wanted me hospitalized as I have definite plans, the means and the motive to kill myself at any second. I had the assessment for hospitalization this afternoon in which they said that they couldn't help me and hospital wasn't the right place for me as I'm too young and not the typical 'diagnosis' for hospitalization. Unlike schizophrenia, psychosis, dementia, etc. I was waiting in ALL day today for an answer. They rang me back and told me they weren't taking me onto their caseload because I was having a lot of input from my Care Coordinator and STR worker and that they couldn't do anything else for me. Why won't they help me? Why wouldn't they section me and lock me away and keep me safe? I don't know, I'm confused. A MASSIVE part of me wants to run away and hang myself like I've planned for days and nights now...but a tiny part of me is hanging on to whatever the hell it is that's keeping me here. It might sound sad, but my animals need me to look after them, so I owe it to them really to stay here at least til Christmas. After Christmas, who knows if I'll make it to January...I really really really do not want to be alive anymore. I have nothing to give, nothing left to offer, nothing worth having, I'm not worth loving, I'm not worth being here, I'm not worth living. I'm so so depressed and I feel like no-one really truly understands how bad I feel. I'm sorry .
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