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WinterSky

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WinterSky last won the day on March 8 2014

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About WinterSky

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  1. just popped by to say Hi :)

  2. I do that as well! I write everything. I even send faxes to my pdoc and T when I just want to communicate something. The squeaky wheel you know. You know, I quit journaling for a few months and just realized why (not important here). I can solve many problems journalling. But talking to folks can bring more insight to the problems solving and collecting new ideas are just terrific. Thankx for your post.
  3. Well it means a lot that you listened and understood. Means a great deal. One word out of your post really stood up: comical. :eek: Did you know I even called crisis hotline and they didn't answer their phone. Then I called my pdocs office and tried to get some help. The lady who answered knew I was calling from the hospital and so I lost all credibility. One last thing. I did find a wonderful therapist and she listened very well It was the middle of the night and I was sleeping. I had been crying and this therapist asked, "are you alright?" I expained all that happened. So we spent several hours just talking and listening and sharing our stories. But guess what? She was my roommate. I value that time talking with her. It was the only comfort I took from that place.
  4. WinterSky

    Karma!

    Thanks Jessica! I gave your karma and it was working. Great fun.
  5. WinterSky

    Karma!

    Wow, y'all have the karma thing going on! If you give me karma I will give you karma! Okay okay okay, I know it doesn't work that way so I won't go there. But I just had to express myself.
  6. You may not know me, or wish you didn't, but here I am. I hope all is well with everyone here at the forums. I need some advice from anyone who's been there, or perhaps hasn't. I would love to hear from you. I recently went to the hospital last week and it, in itself, was a nightmare. I just started typing it out and it is a really really long story. But in the end, I found it rather counterproductive. I was there for my own reasons, my own problems; not for the problems developing in me because of my being there. (i.e., I needed someone to talk to and they said "when we have time"... then I told one of the staff that I felt like a ticking time bomb and she said my pdoc and T "will be here in the morning". :eek:) So now I am in outpatient treatment. That's the only way I could get out of the hospital. Now I am in this program and again I find it counterproductive. The nurse is wonderful. So is this other lady who leads this other group. But in our group it seems so structured and rigid that I find it more productive to just stay at home and write in my journals. But alas, that is so lonely. The therapist who leads this group seems to focus on some people more than others. Bet ya can't guess who was one of those who got left out? And then the pdoc I saw inpatient is also my pdoc in outpatient, and today he gave me just a few minutes and cut me off when I was talking because he ran out of time. I don't like being in situations like this where you need to share your business with people you don't know and vice versa. I am not a very trusting person. Well anyways, what other options do you see other than inpatient or outpatient? I need more help than once a week visits to my T. I love my pdoc to death, but you can only fit so much in 15 minutes. Oh I just had one idea, there's a group there for seniors and I could probably talk to the leader there. She and I hit it off well. Okay so I am just a youngster of 49, but I just love being around mature people. Well anyways, thanks for listening.
  7. I am too emotionally unstable right now. My meds have been changed, tweaked, and changed again and it just isn't working. Damned if I do and damned if I don't do something. I feel so isolated as I try to limit contact with any family member as the interactions with any one of them is quite unhealthy. I separated from my sister several months ago and all the sudden she starts calling me and emailing me.
  8. My father has been severely psychologically abusive all my life, even more so now, and has a way of twisting things up in your head as if to pull and push at the same time. I can't describe the feeling but it is awful! He sucks me into his shit and it is working because I depend on him for part of my rent. I limit contact with him but he keeps wanting to come over to my apartment. He is the type who would barge in without permission. He has no respect for personal boundaries and just gives me this God awful sick feeling and he is so sick in the head. I called the police once because he was harassing me and wouldn't leave me alone, but they didn't take me seriously because he is 88. Physically he is like in his early 60's and his mind is alert and focused. I asked his doctor recently if he needed assistance in any way and he said that my father is able to handle his own affairs and does not show any signs of dementia. He still drives a car. I have these awful daydreams and can't seem to control them. I think he is driving me to commit suicide. He told me in recent weeks something to the effect that he would have to be my executor as if I am going to die. Also, I am afraid that if he pushes the wrong buttons, I might hurt him and pay with my own life in prison. He has sabotaged my life at every turn. People outside the family think he is normal and intelligent. No one believes what my siblings and I say about him. What do I do? The police don't take me seriously.
  9. WinterSky

    Diaries of a Dog and a Cat

    I'm glad y'all are enjoying that!
  10. WinterSky

    So I'm bipolar...

    Yes it is good to actually know for sure so that the right meds can be prescribed. Before, my diagnosis was major depression and PTSD. I was medication resistant. Now my diagnosis is bipolar NOS (but probably Bipolar I according to my therapist) and still PTSD. Since I am on lamictal and lithium I seem to finally be getting some results. With lamictal alone I became really weepy and emotional. I think having all those feelings was actually good yet too much. But after the lithium was added now I am more even keeled. Anyways, I am sure y'all can get the meds straight and you'll be on your way. Congrats on the baby.
  11. WinterSky

    Is mental illness a brain disease or disorder

    I love that sense of wonder, the not knowing. It can make one feel alive. If we were sure of everything, if everything was all black and white thus defined for us through empirical evidence, then life would be boring. Without the "problem" there are only answers. Where is the fun in that. It goes against our very nature as humans. I don't know. Maybe we could experience euphoria and peace and not worry about anything. Utopia. Yet at the same time, as I have mixed feelings and thoughts on the matter, it appears to me that the mind is a manifestation resulting from the processes in the brain having to do with the inputs from our senses. Individual persons develop differently, and I'm not talking purely about personality. I am talking about abilities. I guess once again we come back to nature vs nurture. If a person who is deprived of color from birth until age 20, would that person have developed color perception? I still think that mental "disorders" that are defined as serious mental illnesses are diseases of the brain regardless of if it originated from nature or nurture. The result is still the same. It's in the brain, IMHO. If it is not, then please help me to understand.
  12. WinterSky

    Hello

    Hello and welcome! You will find many issues here so you are not alone. Have you tried therapy, and if so, what has helped? How about meds, what works for you? Lastly, what is NOT working that brings you here?
  13. WinterSky

    Is mental illness a brain disease or disorder

    I agree with this. It is how I understand it. If someone were religious then I can see how one might view this as philosophical. Personally, although I am not religious, I am in this body and all I can experience and understand is from my body. Everything in this existence is experiential. Although who we are is without physical substance (which is again debatable), our journey is experiential, wherever and however it may lead. I don't know what the point is, I don't know if there is anything beyond our senses or beyond our time; I can only hope that I will always be. I agree with this as well. Humankind is so much in its infancy, IMHO. We are learning so much every day. But without complete empirical evidence, we must start somewhere. Thus we each have our own personal philosophy to draw from, whether it be coming from a religious stance or a nonreligious stance. Our view is the only one we can have.
  14. WinterSky

    Is mental illness a brain disease or disorder

    LOL Paula! You have plenty of brains! I am not sure where the word "mind" originated, but the origins I think comes from philosophy but I am not sure. I understand that "the mind" is also used as a model in psychology but I am not sure where I got that from. But it's always been my understanding for a long time.
  15. WinterSky

    Personal Responsibility

    I hate the word "mental". I do think that psychiatry has way too many diagnoses. But now after looking at the receipt/insurance form where it lists all the diagnoses available, only a few are considered serious mental illnesses. PTSD is not considered serious yet OCD is. All of the mood, schizo, delusional, and psychotic disorders are are considered serious. That all makes sense. But OCD? Borderline personality disorder isn't even on the list. None of the personality disorders are on there. Hmm.. I'm sorry you had the same thing happen to you. I know it is a horrible thing to happen. I wish there was something I could say to help with regards to self injury. While I was reading stuff on the internet these last few days, I ran into something with regards to animals and self injuring. I shall post it here if I see it again. But if it is in the nature of animals there must be an explanation for it. We humans are also animals of course. I'm just saying that perhaps one such as yourself shouldn't be so hard on themselves. There's enough self injuring humans out there to recognize that it is a human problem. It can happen to anybody. Although it is considered a "choice" to self harm... well I don't know. I've experienced suicidal ideation, some instances so dramatic that perhaps I would have done something beyond my control. Isn't it why they call it "behavioural science"? I think with the coping tools that we learn in therapy and on here, we can find alternative ways of behaving thus replacing the bad with the good. Until one learns these tools, I am not sure how one can be held responsible IMHO, although individuals are considered responsible in a court of law. We might know that something is wrong before we do it, but perhaps when we do it, we don't know think about right or wrong and don't know how to stop ourselves. We didn't know that we could have avoided the situations that got us there. We didn't know that we could take responsibility instead of giving it to somebody else. We as in humans I mean. Well I guess that is beyond the scope of what I was initially talking about in the original post. I wasn't breaking the law or hurting others. But there was a time when I was living at home with the folks where my father was being, well, my father. The abuse, the psychological twisting of words, concepts, needs... everything; pressure to get an apartment when I wasn't working. I was doing all that I could to get my life together. Being treated that way and doing my head that way made me feel hate. Impulsively. for one short moment in time, I wanted to hurt my father. But before I acted on that impulse, I realized what he was doing to me and I left. Perhaps he would have deserved it, but it would have ruined my life and he just wasn't worth that. This is why I don't believe in guns. If I had a gun in my hand at that point, I don't see how I could have been held responsible had I acted on impulse. Guns are bad. I remember when I was around seven years old, there was a story of an older boy who took drugs and his father killed him. It was a horrible story and I think it became a movie later on. Anyways, I swore to myself I'd never get involved in drugs. That was when I was seven. But in my teens, it was a natural thing to do. I had forgotten about when I was seven. Your friends say this won't hurt you, "look at me". And you trust them so you do it. I know that drug abuse is not considered a serious mental illness (but might be a sign of an underlying illness due to self medicating). But it's an example of harmful behaviors and why we do the things we do. Once I understood what I was getting into before it was too late, I got out of that behavior. I even quit smoking and drinking before age 20! Well I did drink later on but not in a compulsive way, or a way to get high. TRIGGER: SELF INJURING I've often thought of self injuring. I've done it before, and have the scars. But it is because of the scars that I don't do it anymore. There's something about getting to a point where I enjoy the pain in a very sad way, both physically and emotionally. I got that way on New Years Eve this last one. What a horrible few days. I guess one can only get past that point through time. But it takes more than time. I called a suicide hotline, called my therapist (didn't get a response), I went grocery shopping, I journaled, I cried and cried, I wrote hateful colorful words in my journals... it helped through time. And through time, even still, I am recovering. My therapist did call me back on New Years day. We talked and I told her what was going on. She saw me the next day even though she was not working. She deserves a Nobel peace prize . Seriously.
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