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malign

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malign last won the day on September 21 2016

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About malign

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Changed in the Fall of '13; now in the snowy state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Biography
    Lifelong depressive with a dash of hope. My name is Mark, too.

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  • Location
    Changed last Fall; now in the state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Occupation
    Software Engineer, site moderator, but most importantly, human being.
  1. Though we allowed this solicitation to be posted because of the potential for it to generate a positive view of what men with a micropenis go through, that's not the same as wholeheartedly endorsing the idea. I think it's worth pointing out that the writer/publisher will define what "positive" means. Also, the exposure won't be something you can take back afterwards. However, with awareness of the vulnerabilities, it might be a worthwhile effort for the right guy. I do think the magazine missed that this is primarily a forum for those who aren't "embracing and accepting" their situation. What I wonder is whether there could be an article about that.
  2. First, I want to apologize for the delay in answering this, but that was due to a) knowing how important this is to you, and b) how complex the question is to answer. Next, I assume you don't expect us to know whether anything happened to you or what that might have been. That's the trap that the false memory folks fell into; wanting desperately to help the abused, they put too much effort into prompting their clients, and in some cases it appears that natural human suggestibility caused the clients to believe they had memories of things that hadn't happened. A good therapist will ask questions far more often than they will make statements. Also, no one here is a licensed professional in any discipline of psychology. Our site is primarily intended to offer support to people who are suffering from mental difficulties. All of that said, I'm sorry that you've struggled with these issues for most of your life, and continue to do so. That suffering alone would justify seeking help to identify what you need to heal yourself, whatever the source of the wound. So, simply seeking competent psychological help would be my first recommendation. We can evaluate that advice by going through some hypotheticals. First, assume that you were not abused. You're still suffering, so it makes sense to get help, whether the source of the suffering is ever identified or not. Second, let's imagine that you were abused. Then, you might decide that you would prefer not to remember. That, after all, is what most people I've talked to who have survived abuse attempt to do, at first. It's easier to split the memories off and hide them somewhere. The problem is that in order to do that, one also splits off some part of oneself, specifically the part that was abused. In a sense, that part is punished twice, first by being abused by someone else, then by being denied by the survivor. And, the person who remains is diminished by the loss. Still, for many, this may be the best they can do at the moment. No one can force someone to recover before they're ready. Conversely, you may decide that you want to remember, whatever might have happened, abuse or something else. That process might occur on its own; it seems that something is leaking into your consciousness, as it is. What you don't know is what that something might be. Working on it by yourself, though, is a little like trying to open a shipping crate with the crowbar that's inside of it. You might get there, but it will take a while. So, again, you might consider finding someone with experience helping people in similar situations. And it will almost certainly still take a while, just hopefully, a shorter while. I hope that helps you think through what you want to do. Of course, what you decide will also be influenced by your prior experience with therapists and the mental health community. Whatever you decide, I hope you feel okay discussing whatever you need to, here. That's why we're here.
  3. All

    There is a t-shirt I have (that is, that I asked my wife to buy me for a birthday) which has a saying on it that inspires me both on the face of it and by the thoughts that it triggers in me. I have considered sharing those before, but have always put it off, fearing that it might end up silly or preachy or make me look foolish. Eventually, though, I realized that my own negativity about how my thoughts might be received was depriving me of the chance to organize those thoughts in writing, and possibly some reader of whatever value they may contain So I decided to post this despite my misgivings. The t-shirt says: If all is not lost, where is it? Now, of course, this saying plays on the usual interpretation of "all is lost" to mean that All is gone, non-existent. And I know that some people feel that way; I have, at times. But if there is no All, then you would have to account for the presence of so very much universe, so much humanity that's still there, all around you. If you accept that the universe is even approximately infinite, then your All has to be in there somewhere. So let's start by assuming that your All is just lost, or in another way of speaking, that it has lost track of you somehow. Okay, then it makes sense that you at least might have some way of finding it again. But before you run off searching, you might want to spend a little more time deciding exactly what your All is. If you don't have a clear picture of it, how will you recognize it when you find it? You could be looking right at it. I know that's often what happens with my keys. Don't skimp on this phase, even if you think that the answers are obvious. Maybe especially if you think the answers are obvious. All is a pretty big thing to try to grasp at the best of times, and when you're panicked because it's lost, it's easy to persuade yourself that you'll never find it again. So, once you have an idea of what All you're looking for (as they say in the South,) where do you start? Well, we can continue with the analogy of my keys by suggesting that you start looking where you last remember you had it. I know that sounds either stupid or obvious; and amusingly, that's why I said it. Again, we're talking about a situation where you may not be thinking very clearly. But where you last had it, even if you're sure it's not there any more, can give you a lot of hints about where to look next. And even if you feel that you have never had it, you must have some similar experience you can relate it to, or you couldn't form the concept of your All in the first place. If your All is a feeling of peace or happiness, the conditions that allow you to feel that way are probably pretty close to the ones where you last felt it. If your All is a relationship that is now lost, it makes sense not to seek a new All in a place where there are no people. A "new" All, did I say? If it's All, how can you have a new one? Well, we return here to that phase of trying to be clear about what All you want. If you have been making a single person, or a group, or some part of you, or something you could be, your All, haven't you been limiting it, quite a bit? For instance, if All you seek is to feel better, who's to say that that's not on its way, only it's part of a bigger All than you thought? Maybe, in fact, All cannot be lost; you're embedded in it. That may make it harder to see. Especially, it may make it harder to see the part of the All that you're particularly looking for. But what's around you is the All, so what you seek is in there, somewhere. You just have to keep seeking it. That's All, folks!
  4. Hi I'm New

    I don't see anything embarrassing in what you've said so far, if that helps, wulver. That's a lot of labels, though. How do you relate to all of that -- do you agree with them; do they affect you when dealing with other people; does a long list make your life better, or worse? As a youth worker (the duties of which I'm not familiar with), are there opportunities to talk to others about the difficulties that you're feeling? You might find that some of them, at least, go with the job, and you might not be the only one who has them. I have found that, at least when I isolate myself from others, I cut off one of the resources that might be able to help me. But certainly, you're welcome to talk about things here, if that helps. You can be sure people read them, even if not everybody responds.
  5. Define "failure"

    Yah, I echo Beth with the "nice to see you", Jai. Curious how you've been, if you feel like saying. And I'm sorry you found your studies so ... empty. The coursework I'm in ... there's a bit of concern that there's steering going on, "what they want to hear" stuff. But there's also a ton(ne) of self-examination, both because they ask it of you and because you know for sure that the job will require that you have done it. Now, or later; it's your own choice. But the first client who (say) commits suicide while you're working with them, if you're not ready for how you're going to deal with that, it might be too late. What's been hard has been figuring out which part I think is hoop-jumping and which part contains questions I had better consider before they arise. And then acting accordingly.
  6. To paraphrase jackbolin from a couple of posts back, it can help to have someone to listen to you talk about your shit if in the process, you find better ways to shovel. That doesn't have to mean that the SPS is all in your head; your size will still be your size. But we've all got shit, and if it's getting in the way, it can help to talk to someone about it. Even if you have to pay them.
  7. Define "failure"

    So, here I am back on the site, after my second semester. One of the things that brings me back is the perception of having lost something. I have checked in, on occasion; sometimes run updates or whatever; read some posts that I thought might be interesting. So why has it been so hard to post anything? Part of it is a kind of fatigue. The program I'm in is very "stretching"; it makes you ask yourself over and over whether you're sure of things you've believed most of your life. And being twice as old as most of my peers, that's a longer time for me than for them. So I'll just come out and say it: people believe some crazy shit, and the one I'm most familiar with is me. What has always been the difficulty is the shit-replacement phase of the operation. Many of us are aware of our ... delusions; some of us are aware that we have some power over them; remarkably few of us know what to do after that. I know, for me, some of my crazy shit includes my most cherished illusions. It's not easy giving them up, especially because that involves forgiving myself for all the trouble that the shit has caused me over the years. Anyway, before I ramble too far: it makes it hard to hold a mirror for others when you're afraid you might catch a glimpse of yourself in it. And all of that is very deep, and metaphoric, and other stuff I'm fond of using to cover up my own weaknesses, so now that that's out of the way: this semester didn't go that well. The classes were more substantial and information-filled, which, if the information were all fairly factual, like a science or math class, would have been great for me. Unfortunately, the psychology field is fairly devoid of anything indisputable. It's all opinion, fundamentally, and the opinions tend to vary almost as radically as political opinions do. That's fine: I have opinions, and usually know what they are and why I have them. But the classes this semester had more papers I had to write, and the papers had more opinions I needed to defend, and, for me at least, a stronger feeling that I was being evaluated by the professors for having the "right" opinions. Each paper became harder to write than the one before it, and by the end of the semester, I had developed enough of a writer's block to have not turned in three separate papers in two different classes. Suffice it to say, you can't pass classes with zeros on major papers. So, for the three classes I took this semester, I got an A, an X (the equivalent of an F that doesn't prevent you from taking the class again), and an Incomplete. Obviously, this can't continue. So now I'm trying to find a psychiatrist (in addition to my regular therapist) to see if they can take the edge off the anxiety I feel. And, at the moment, I'm putting off calling them back by writing all this. So, is it a failure if you're still learning? {And I know everyone's going to rush to answer that, but it's really me that I'm asking it of.}
  8. Resumption

    I think it's all well-ative. :-) More in the next post. Hello, all.
  9. Resumption

    So, after a long hiatus (Latin for gap, and not for what it sounds like), I think it's time I resumed using this thing. For a long time, I think I was put off by the fact that I have friends. That is, it felt like writing here was a performance, for people I already knew would approve. Not much challenge in that, and because I wanted them to continue to approve, even some incentive to be circumspect, to include only the good stuff. When approval starts to be an issue, you get dissociation. Some things are okay to talk about, and the things that aren't okay are not only not talked about, they're positively shunned. You get repression. You get denial. You get f**cked. Because it's all you. Or, in this case, to prevent this from getting too general and thereby allowing me to escape its specificity, it's all me. I don't get to not be the parts I don't like. For that matter, it's probably only part of me that doesn't like the parts I don't like. Why does one part get to discriminate against the others, or why would they get to form cliques that exclude the awkward or the innocent? That's just bullying, introjected (taken in as a behavior after being observed in others) to try to keep it from happening in the outside world. I don't have to relate to myself as a bully towards his victims. But the solution I would generally recommend in the real world, kicking the bully's @$$, isn't viable here, either, because it's still me. To work internally, I have to rehabilitate the bully the hard way. I have to find out the reasons why he feels he has to behave that way; I have to make it so that those reasons no longer apply, and then I have to convince him to change the behavior he no longer needs. So, a step along the way: making the conflict visible.
  10. You probably already have some idea of the answer to your question, right? Drinking might temporarily make it feel as if you're coping. But then when you're sober again, not only is the problem still there, but now you need another drink. Is that coping? Is there another way to deal with the situation?
  11. Unknown Forms...

    Well, at this stage, maybe the cause of hallucinations isn't the most important thing. After all, labeling it just gives it a name instead of explaining your own particular uniqueness. You could just describe it, instead. What do you see, feel, hear? What "this" is bringing you closer to what "brink"? If you mean suicide, you can see from the posts since yesterday that you're not alone in that thought. In fact, maybe we're all oddities, even the normal-looking ones.
  12. Momentum

    Maybe it sends him into his head, and quite the opposite of ignoring you, he's working very hard to find the "right" response. That sucks as a goal when there isn't a right response. I know that for me, I go silent over the hard stuff; if I'm chattering away you know that I've managed to stay on a superficial level in some way. I hope that helps explain me being at a loss for words, too.
  13. Momentum

    Aw Jai. I'm sorry. What more is there to say? One of this medium's limits: I can't reach out and hug you like I would in real life.
  14. Am I screwed (Pe . . .)

    "Knowing all of this, what do I appear to be ... ?" Um, you appear to be confused? At this point, I'm not sure I'd make more of it than that. It would be more worrying if you thought that it would be okay to get involved with a child, or that love for, or love from, a child might be expressed sexually. "Why [would sex with a child be] dysfunctional? It serves no evolutionary purpose and is a pure hassle." It's also dysfunctional because it harms the child, and it brings up a question about whether the sexual interest comes from love. If you love someone, you think about their wellbeing more than your own desires and pleasures. One question that arises whenever we experience a strong attraction we don't understand, such as developing a "crush" on someone, is to see what traits attract us, and possibly to ask whom they remind us of. We may be attracted to innocence if we value it, or if we regret losing it ourselves; we may be attracted to someone who reminds us of a parent (or who reminds us of the opposite of a parent, just as easily); or we may be attracted to someone who displays a trait we have but aren't able to express. Such attractions are not in themselves harmful. What matters is what we do with the attraction. If we know that acting on the feeling in a certain way would be harmful, we can choose a different action. One possibility is that the attraction could be an opportunity to learn more about ourselves.
  15. Mawwiage

    Well, it's not as if there isn't also coursework; it's the parts that are fearful that we emphasize. For now I'm prepared to believe they know what they're doing better than I do. :-) I suspect that my advisor, knowing my inexperience (and having questioned me about it during my intake interview), decided that a little confidence-building slash separating the wheat from the chaff was the best way to start. That way I wouldn't waste too much money if it didn't work out. ;-) And as I say, there is some confidence building: our first exercise had us only allowed to say "blah, blah, blah" (no words) to each other in our counseling simulations. It was all about non- verbal communication, and it gave us a chance to get comfortable with being observed. You'd be surprised what you can pick up from tone of voice and facial expression alone. Enough so that I worry even more about good communication online ... Another point was how useful silence can be in drawing someone out, in conversation, where questions may just distract them into talking about what you want to talk about rather than what's important. So it's actually going as well as it could be after just two sessions. Starting to get a feel for the amount of work required, and to think of ways to fill the extra time. Next semester I might go up to nine credits ... Thank you all for the encouragement. :-)
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