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malign last won the day on November 23 2019

malign had the most liked content!

About malign

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  • Gender
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    Changed in the Fall of '13; now in the snowy state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Biography
    Lifelong depressive with a dash of hope. My name is Mark, too.


  • Location
    Changed last Fall; now in the state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Occupation
    Software Engineer, site moderator, but most importantly, human being.

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  1. malign

    A Year Gap

    I think this is the longest gap there's ever been in this blog, which has been running since 2008. I guess nothing too surprising happened this past year: classes go on; it will soon be time for practicum, where the rubber meets the ... forehead of the client; I went back to work for the big-box grocery-slash-everything chain I worked for before ... All the usual anniversaries went by: my hospitalization, my ex filing a restraining order that began the end of our marriage, and so on, but they didn't carry very much weight this time. More prominent was the two year anniversary of my second marriage, which is much happier. I continue to make progress in my own therapy. And that might be part of the reason for the gap: I would like to postpone writing until I'm "done", whatever that means, until I think I can sound smart describing the humbling process of coming to terms with coping "skills" that I would rather change. What I found, mostly, is that my childhood was, in fact, kind of difficult, despite everyone involved doing their best and no major evil. My folks just had too much on their hands, having two baby boys in their 40's. As the first child, I did my best to relieve them of some of the burden, which simply isn't a child's job ... It made it very confusing about what I'm allowed to do, what I'm allowed to want, who I'm allowed to be. The limits seemed a good idea at the time. Now I have to reconcile the part that resents all that I thought I should give up with the part that thought that giving those things up was a good idea. And I do mean reconcile; there's a desire to "replace" the old manager part, but all that does is change which part is exiled. I have to find an argument to which they'll both agree for why they're stronger and better together. So. Still here, still reading, still hoping that people benefit. See y'all around.
  2. In this particular context, the BBC is the British Broadcasting Company.
  3. Knowing people, they'll still make fun of a guy whose balls rattle. 😁
  4. Hi Bob, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much. I hope you'll give yourself some time before going with an irreversible decision. I'm interested in your phobia of people; could you talk about that, more? It doesn't apply to your family, it seems. Did something happen to cause it? What are you afraid will happen? Since we're people, I assume that it would require us to meet in person? Recluse or homeless, or dead. Seems like there might be some other options -- treatment or self-help for your phobia comes to mind. You said that being homeless would be like dying only with more suffering. What if, though it might take even more effort/suffering, you could actually live?
  5. So ... whatever happened ... was it about you or about them (whoever they might be)? It would be a shame to die because other people are idiots.
  6. And the reason that I suspect some part of you doesn't believe your explanation is that you posted this on a mental health website rather than a thugs-for-hire website.
  7. Raisul, Please believe me: we are not withholding help. But we can't chase away the things you see, much less the things you believe. You're studying IT, so you're a logical person who understands how the world works. What would you say to one of your friends if they told you their neighbors were tormenting them in their dreams? People sometimes see and hear things that aren't there. But these sensory inputs seem so real that they try to explain them using magical thinking, because nothing else can explain them. This condition is called schizophrenia, and it's harmful because gradually the person moves farther and farther from reality. They may begin to believe that strangers are out to get them, that others know things such as exactly when they're trying to get to sleep, and they get upset because no one believes them. I believe that you hear the voices of your neighbors, I believe this only happens when you're home, and I believe that you believe your explanation of all that. What I wonder is whether you would be open to explore other possible explanations. You are willing to ask for help to change the causes you believe in; could you ask for help to make sure your belief is correct, first?
  8. Renni, Are you and your family attempting to manage your ED on your own, or do you have professional help? If it's just you and your folks, it could easily become (or return to) you against them. That way is much harder, and requires that you and they keep on communicating. With a professional, at least you have someone neutral to talk to.
  9. You're right: the hallmark of obsession is that question, "what if?" With that going on, neither we nor even you can convince you of anything. In particular, "checking", also common with obsession, cannot work ("what if?" wins every time), and is actually silly (how can you make an effort not to think of something without continually thinking about that something to make sure you're not thinking about it?) Can you approach your parents, tell them you're having intrusive thoughts about being a bad person, and ask if they can get you help? You don't have to be specific. Or, ask them for an appointment with your regular doctor, and tell him or her in confidence? There are medications for OCD. They don't change your feelings; you'll still know that hurting a child is wrong. The meds cut down on the uncontrollable thought pattern that prevents you from trusting your own answer, that you're not a pedophile.
  10. malign

    Day 8

    (Car) trunk - boot Hood - bonnet Tire - tyre Cold, damp, and foggy - an ordinary day 😊
  11. malign

    Day 8

    We do have kettles; we just don't use them. ☺️ Most people here would use the microwave, or buy their expensive coffees in a shop. My parents were British; Mom English and Dad Scottish. I went off tea fairly young (due to overexposure), but Mom had a kettle and a teapot and a tea cozy she made herself. We're not barbarians, really we're not.
  12. Dave, you said you're afraid to go out; is there anyone you could call? You know, not much has changed since the verdict. It's not like all of a sudden everyone knows. You're still just another bloke on the street. And, you're doing what they asked you, to make it right. What more can anyone expect?
  13. Management regrets any inconvenience due to its failure to pay the electric bill in a timely fashion. Oops. πŸ˜‘
  14. "Wondering if anyone else out there feels the way I do." Pink Floyd did. I think everyone who has replied has. The responses sound to me like each person's attempt to give you what they use for support when it happens to them. The thing with needing people around is that we're all so different ... You said you don't know what you look for, here. Maybe you can feel what you're looking for? They don't have to be opposites, they can be best buddies who each see a different half of the picture. You're not alone.
  15. malign


    If we haven't already fnord. Dave, the description is based on your number of posts, that's all. It doesn't mean you're aging quickly. πŸ˜‰
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