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malign last won the day on January 5

malign had the most liked content!

About malign

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Changed in the Fall of '13; now in the snowy state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Biography
    Lifelong depressive with a dash of hope. My name is Mark, too.


  • Location
    Changed last Fall; now in the state of Michigan, US.
  • Interests
    Bird photography, go, happiness, Demented Bunnies
  • Occupation
    Software Engineer, site moderator, but most importantly, human being.
  1. Adult Imaginary Friend

    Well, you know a psychiatrist these days is about meds. And every 6 months is a long time unless she thinks you're stabilized. And she couldn't guess you had been traumatized by the rape unless you tell her (many women survive rape without developing clinical PTSD.) I know why you don't want to tell her more, but then you can't hope she'll suddenly guess what you need. I wonder, have you told anyone else who might be, or might have been, able to help you process your feelings after the rape? You said "... which is the reason I even started going to her ..." but it's not clear whether you mean anxiety is the reason, or that she doesn't know any more about you than the anxiety. Would you clarify that for me, please? I had moderate anxiety when I was your age, and although it has moderated some with age (I'm 56 now), I'm still on an SSRI for the anxiety/depression combo. If I had the severity you do, I'd have to be tranked to the gills just to function. So, congrats (?) on that. You know, it's hard to imagine a friend talking to you like that. Does it feel protective, to you? Sounds painful, to me, like it would just make things worse. But you're the one who's in there with it; how would you describe it?
  2. My so called life

    Maybe he will have gained respect for you, once he realizes how much courage it took. Maybe you even gained some respect for you ...
  3. My so called life

    Now you have me wondering how you enjoy Oreos with your unique dental development. I've seen over- and underbites; is that an interbite? I'm picturing a lot of crumbs and some frustration. That could cause an eternal hunger in anyone.
  4. Adult Imaginary Friend

    Real world anxieties and fear are fairly common, after what you've been through. Have you tried any sort of counseling to deal with what must've been a horrible experience? I went to work in a drug store, in my 20's, to overcome my social anxiety. But mine may not have been as severe. I wonder, though, whether punching metal hard enough to leave dents might say anger more than fear? I could imagine how having been made to feel that much fear could make a person angry, as well. I don't doubt that your inner world helps you cope, has helped you cope for quite a while. But you had to come up with it by yourself at a young age. Do you think you could, with help and now that you're older, maybe come up with even more effective coping skills, whether to modify the ones you've got or add to them? There may be a way to cope as well as you are now, or better, with less need to turn away from your loved ones out here in the world. That would be worth something, wouldn't it?
  5. My so called life

    You may only see well out of one eye, but I bet your hearing's good. And it's not every guy who can rock a scarlet ascot.
  6. Dissociation.. really need some help

    I agree with LaLa: first stop is a doctor, maybe more than one. You need stability and support from people who know how to help you. If the dissociation was a reaction to stress, it's important to reduce your stress as much as possible. Losing large amounts of sleep alone can induce fairly severe symptoms. On the brighter side, I don't think you just "happened to come out of it" at the last minute possible to save your relationship. This-you wanted to save it badly enough that she came back when she had to. There's hope there that you can use on the road to becoming whole again. Good luck, and keep talking.
  7. Adult Imaginary Friend

    It's less than 98%, so it's a start.
  8. Adult Imaginary Friend

    I probably didn't need to ask about Ben's appearance at the end; it wasn't nearly as important as trying to shift your attention back toward healing. As fascinating as your inner world no doubt is, you're here because of trouble in the outside world. Those people, Drew and your pets and others, need you, too. What I think you're debating is how they can safely coexist with you and Ben. I can imagine how focusing on Ben long enough and hard enough would give him a more tangible reality. It's not clear whether that was beneficial to you, though. He could be, and was, a perfectly good friend to you before that, right? I suspect there's a balance between inside and outside (life is full of things you have to balance.) The more time and effort you devote to one, the less you have for the other. Would you consider only devoting, say, 90% of your time to "cracking this case", and spend the rest with the people around you?
  9. Adult Imaginary Friend

    Well, if you spend all that time looking inside at yourself, a. I can understand how reality on the outside might start to fade, and b. How you might split into observer and observed, in a way. It's almost as if you're so fascinated by the distress you're in that you can't break away from watching it long enough to get help reducing it. You're not really a case to crack; you're a person who is suffering. Also, in a totally different angle, I notice that Ben's portrait quite closely resembles Slender Man; is that intentional?
  10. Elderly Father and Sexual Advances

    A person can't do something that makes it okay to assault them sexually. Not unless you change the definition of assault. Yet somehow, guilt is a common reaction. You need to know you didn't cause this. You saw the earlier responses: he may not be entirely responsible, either, because of dementia or other issues he may have. Or, he might. It might help to have him seen by a doctor, but you need not feel like you're the one who has to do that. And, you're the only one who can decide how to deal with him in the future. Take care of yourself first.
  11. Mmm, I think if you're suicidal, the best help would be from a professional. "Mentally stable" isn't the issue; the issue is safety. You can't fix anything if you're dead. That said, there is a difference between sexual attraction and sexual identity. Just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean you have to do something with that person. You mentioned being afraid you would cheat. But how is that more likely for you than for a guy who is only attracted to women? After marriage, there are still plenty of attractive women out there. What keeps a guy from cheating is that he doesn't want to cheat. The biggest conflict for you seems to be that you "like to sext ... with men", but at the same time, you "just want to have a normal hetro life". No one other than you can decide how to reconcile those two things, because they're both wants that you have. If you said, for instance, that you were attracted to men but didn't want to do anything, that would be easy. Or, if you decided to have sex with women and continue to interact with men online, as long as everyone involved was okay with that, where's the harm? But if these urges are getting you into trouble with your own feelings or beliefs, I think you would benefit from seeking help from a counselor who could work through these issues with you. And, of course, you're welcome to talk about them with us here, as long as you understand that ultimately, all the decisions are still yours.
  12. Planning. I'm not good at it.

    As a way to die, that would really suck. I think the trick is to focus on the living that's in between all the little dyings.
  13. This is probably appropriate for a New Year's post ... Ten years ago December 30th, I checked myself into a locked psych ward, feeling depressed and suicidal. The amusing thing is how quickly I felt better, isolated away from my ex. By the third or fourth day, folks around me were clamoring to get out; I was quite content in there. I still had to go back, and stayed with her for just over a year more. But, though I had some periods of depression that year, I found that I had begun to figure out that some things aren't worth what I was paying. And that's one heck of a useful lesson, right there: know what you can afford, what your limits are, when to stop struggling, acceptance of what you cannot change. Which brings up another memory of the hospital, one of my favorite: a woman who was there for alcohol detox wrote out on an index card for me the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer (they borrowed it; it existed before.) I still carry it in my wallet, folded in half and ragged along the edge, as a reminder. Whatever you think of AA, or of prayers, it does contain a valuable message. God, grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the ones I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom. Quite a toolkit.
  14. Adult Imaginary Friend

    Hi, MDeCa. The first thing that struck me is that you left the rape until the end of your first post. I'm sure it has had a far greater effect than that on your life. Many survivors report having split off part of themselves (not exactly deliberately) so that the rest of them did not have to bear the full experience of what happened. Also, many, in order to feel more control over bad things happening to them again, try to justify the belief that they were to blame, so that there's something they can do differently next time. Unfortunately, it's not possible to prevent all the bad things that might happen to someone. More importantly, nothing someone might do could make them deserve rape. As to attempting to decide by yourself what diagnosis you might receive, there are several things. First, you wouldn't try that for medical conditions; abdominal pain could be appendicitis or an abdominal tumor or many other things. That's what docs are for. You don't have to follow blindly what they say, but their training is worth something. Second, the DSM is based on a concept of illness that's like scattering a bunch of bins over the landscape of human experience; if you fall into a bin, then you have that disorder. I don't think we're really like that. We don't have sharp cutoffs between health and illness. Moreover, I think there are continuums (continua, for Latin scholars) for many different traits, such as anxiety, psychotic manifestations, mood problems, and so on. I think a person can tell if they're obsessing over something, for instance, without them receiving a full OCD diagnosis. Third, you don't seem to have considered PTSD as an option. Leaving Ben out of it for a while, you said that you see and hear other things that you are aware are not in the outside world. You are aware of at least one occasion where you "lost time". You've been both suicidal and a danger to others. You describe experiences that you acknowledge are psychotic episodes. You've said that you're scared. Honestly, I don't care what you call it, those sound like a stack of good reasons to seek some kind of help. Now, my thoughts about Ben. Keep in mind that this is simply a person's opinion; use it only if it helps you. I think Ben is a part of you, whether you call him a spirit or a complex or an imaginary friend. That means that you can't be forced to give him up; he represents thoughts and feelings and skills that are yours and that you will always have. His characteristics helped you survive a terrible experience; they have value. But they're actually your characteristics, split off to deal with something the rest of you couldn't, at the time. You were thirteen. You did what you had to, and so did he. He took on the pain for you. Now you're twenty-one. You have resources you didn't have then. You have people who care about you; you have more experience; you seem to have considerable awareness. Personally, I think treatment would bring you closer to Ben than ever; in fact, it might allow you to re-merge with the capabilities he has, while allowing your gentler nature to temper the rage and desire to strike first that are causing you problems, hurting people you know wouldn't hurt you (including you.) Also, I don't think that your treatment would be medication alone. You've been through a lot, and I think that it will take a lot of healing before you feel, um, some kind of, safe again. Okay, end of opinion. I just hope that you will keep in touch, talk about the pros and cons, even let us talk to Ben if you think it would help. We've talked to a fair number of abuse and rape survivors; their stories are scattered around here. Maybe those other experiences can help you. That's why we have them recorded here, so that each survivor is not forced to start all over again. Finally, welcome, and take care of yourself until next time.
  15. Brokenness

    I didn't change anything, either. For what it's worth, I've had posts disappear when I spent too long composing them, and got logged off before I hit Submit. And though I do sometimes step into things, I tend to say something, so that people understand why.