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Found 5 results

  1. Hello, I have always known how I was, I just didn't know other people were also this way; plus with the ridiculously misdirected information on the internet about people with ASPD/Sociopathy (amongst various other things) it was hard to really correlate myself with that. But because of a prolonged amount of relationship/money/health/law/life failures, I saw several therapists and ultimately got diagnosed with a shit ton of things, primarily ASPD, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety. Depressive episodes generally caused by the ASPD. Pretty sure its because of the boredom. First I'll just say that I had a fucked childhood. My non-biological but rather adoptive grandfather, 30-year mayor of my former hometown, loved by all, got arrested for 93 (not the actual total of counts but a compromised decision of an amount to plead for) counts of primarily self-made child porn that he made with me, many of my siblings and cousins and classmates and community members. My dad was into heroine and meth, and my mother caught him doing meth in my closet when I was a toddler, told him to leave, he tried to set us on fire, blah blah, got away with it. Classic bad abuse situation, like in the movie "Enough". lol But yeah, she ended up having to sneak me and one of my brothers out of the state to where I currently live. We were poor and my mom was super irresponsible but chill I guess because she just fucked a bunch of dudes for money/rent, so we moved around a lot til we lived in the country, then our landlord would fuck her outside on the hay bales and get her drunk and leave her in the snow, and my older bro would carry her in. We were both pretty desensitized. I hated living in the country. Went to a tiny country school with a bunch of hicks. Had no good friends but on, she was kinda fucked tho. Had a lot of tantrums, wouldn't speak to adults, was really weird. She was cool tho. Demented. We used to play "Husband and Wife" and simulate sex without actually having sex. It was weird but we justified it. She would also get randomly fucking furious and beat me spasm-like and swear at me. I never really cared so I didn't tell anyone. I knew she was pissed and I didn't think I could really help her, so I let it slide. But I did hit her back a lot, and I talked shit about her, and even after she shaved her head for me when I had cancer, she told me she loved me and I thought people would think I was a lesbian so I said that was gross, she said something and ended it with "fuck you" and I thought I was clever and said "I know you want to, but I don't feel that" and I ended up laughing about it with the asshole jocks who made fun of her and it was props fucked but I didn't care. And OMG she made a "I hate 'Mill Puppy'" page on Facebook (btw mill puppy is in place of my real name.). It was hilarious, many of my classmates liked it. It was really fucking middle school demented but like I couldn't be mad. She eventually killed herself but I wasn’t at ALL surprised. And when I found out, I was almost amused. I pretended to be destroyed, but I can’t say I actually was/am. Anyway. I had a lot of crazy shit happen in my childhood. Didn’t care. Knew how to lie and manipulate from a young age. Knew a lot about people. I’m high functioning. Cancer did not affect me. Didn’t take it seriously. Still haven’t. But I’m cured. I’m in college. I keep getting bored with people. Relationships. Romantic relationships. But I think I found another socio in my friend group. I really like him. We have lots of sexual tension. He’s my frat dad (they voted to allow girls in) and I often masturbate to fantasizing that he is my “daddy”. lol) He’s not particularly attractive, but he’s like me. He plays with me and I like playing with him. I’m in a relationship and I like the guy I’m with. He’s my ideal person. But he’s just boring. Idk. It’s hard. I really liked him. He only wanted to be friend at first, I won (as per normal) and now we’re in a relationship. I’m trying to see if my socio friend will want to relationship (I know he’s gonna be a good fuck) and he’s power hungry like me. I also like fashion and Instagram, and I need a small body (but my body was fucked by cancer) so I starve myself. I feel no sort of guilt for this at all. I was also raped multiple times because I literally don’t care. Idk, I’m wondering if anyone has advice or is like me?
  2. Hey, i had a very hard time lately as im struggeling with suicidal tendencies, self harm, depression, anxiety, anorexia and OCD for many years now but im never feeling "ill" enough, so writing this is like really hard for me. Just for basic information, Ive been in therapy many times, take anti depressants and started feeling worse again last spring. I told my teacher back in summer about my problems because she asked me a lot if everything was okay and we had this class trip thing that i was afraid of and i dont Even know why i told her everything but she is like really nice and i couldnt go on any longer without telling someone. She had to tell my mom at some point because the risk would have been too high but after that we rarely talked anymore. School is really stressing me out and im even worse than before but I don't know if I should talk with her about it and i don't know how because i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems. Can anyone help me? Thank u for reading and I'm sorry for my bad english
  3. I feel so irrational, agitated and angry. I just want to smash my face in, cut myself too deep or hang myself. I don't want to eat from 1st December. I'm not going to. I can't write this anywhere else 'cause my friends are trying to recover. I want to die. One of the side effects of Quetiapine, which has recently been doubled in dosage for me, is Seroquel Anger. Anyone heard of it? I'm currently a disgusting abusive cow. I can't stand myself. Help.
  4. SORRY IT'S SO LONG, PLEASE DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO READ ALL OF IT, I'VE INDICATED THE BIT I NEED TO BE READ IN ITALICS. I have been diagnosed with Dysthymia/Chronic Depression after having Clinical Depression for near enough 10 years. I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 9 after my Grandfather whom I loved dearly passed away from Cancer. I didn't go to school for a year, didn't leave the house, was home tutored, got VERY angry and destroyed the house constantly...I was vile during that year. Basically, to cut a long story short I have self-harmed for 2 years and have 8 suicide attempts to my name in just under 2 years. Doesn't sound a lot but it has got me about 6 hospital admissions and 3 A&E visits for glueing in an even shorter amount of time. I write poems when I'm stressed. So like, basically, the poem's about my head, but it's on paper. So, all my thoughts and feelings and emotions spill out into a poem and I can't control the darkness of these poems. My most recent one was written in the form of a suicide note titled 'No tears shall fall'. I guess that shows you how highly (ha) I think of myself and how much I think about suicide. I showed it to my STR worker and she referred me back to the crisis team, aka Hospital At Home for my area (I don't know if it's changed in all areas) and wanted me hospitalized as I have definite plans, the means and the motive to kill myself at any second. I had the assessment for hospitalization this afternoon in which they said that they couldn't help me and hospital wasn't the right place for me as I'm too young and not the typical 'diagnosis' for hospitalization. Unlike schizophrenia, psychosis, dementia, etc. I was waiting in ALL day today for an answer. They rang me back and told me they weren't taking me onto their caseload because I was having a lot of input from my Care Coordinator and STR worker and that they couldn't do anything else for me. Why won't they help me? Why wouldn't they section me and lock me away and keep me safe? I don't know, I'm confused. A MASSIVE part of me wants to run away and hang myself like I've planned for days and nights now...but a tiny part of me is hanging on to whatever the hell it is that's keeping me here. It might sound sad, but my animals need me to look after them, so I owe it to them really to stay here at least til Christmas. After Christmas, who knows if I'll make it to January...I really really really do not want to be alive anymore. I have nothing to give, nothing left to offer, nothing worth having, I'm not worth loving, I'm not worth being here, I'm not worth living. I'm so so depressed and I feel like no-one really truly understands how bad I feel. I'm sorry .
  5. HI my name is myka and I am 16 years old I just poured out alot of what I needed to say and it took my like 2 hours but my internet crashed so I need to just do a quick list of what I need help with I hope I put this in the right category I just didn't feel like it fit into any specific one. -Major depression -Due to being extremely mentally and emotionally bullied by my peers, and mom. People who don't even know me made a facebook page called "The freak of ida baker (my school) where people would upload pictures of me they took behind my back and talk horrible thing about me. I have even heard school staff talk about me when they didn't know I could hear them. and excessive guilt and hating myself My mom calls me stupid, lazy, retarded, and said that no one will ever love me. And she wont stop comparing me to other people it makes me feel so worthless. -Suicidal thoughts -I even almost went through with it once the only thing that held my back was the guilt of knowing that at least one person would be hurt. I have had two friends commit suicide and my school has seen 3 suicides in two weeks so I have seen the effects of it. -Self Harming -Social anxiety -I need to have major distractions to keep me from having anxiety attacks sometimes I even go to extreme lengths as to digging my nails into my skin so It doesn't turn into a panic attack. -Paranoia -Even with the slightest whisper or laughter i have to listen to it to make sure it's not about me. At it's worst I see and hear things that aren't there and I know they aren't but it's taking over my life. -Anorexia -For the past 3 weeks I've had anorexia and I hate myself for it. I'm 5'5 and 117 lbs but all i see when I look in the mirror is fat. I feel so guilty when I eat and my mom even called me fat yesterday. I have even stole some of her diet pills to do whatever I can to loose weight. -Lgbt -I like girls. My close friends know but my family and most of my community are extremely homophobic and I'm terrified of them finding out, they would kick me out and i'd never be able to see them again -Self-harming - sometimes I do it to check to see if i'm alive and not trapped in hell and other times it's to punish myself for thinking the way I do and having all of these issues -Very minor kleptomania -Bipolar -I hate this I lash out on people and I feel so extremely guilty for upsetting them which make me hate myself even more. -Imsomnia -I typically get 2 hours or less of sleep a night And I can't get help, I have built my protective walls around me way to high and no matter how much I want help from people and to talk to them I just CAN'T! PLease help me it's taking over my entire life. I'm almost having an anxiety attack simply from posting this, I have never talked to anyone about any of this so please dont judge me.
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