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Sorry if this is so long I've got a lot to get of my chest. Right now I'm a 16 year old girl and I don't know why but I'm always horny. I've been like this since I was around 6. My mums friend gave her a box of videos once and I was searching threw them to find a Barrie video probably and I found a porn video. My mother turned it off as soon as it came on but every time she was in the bath (she couldn't leave me in the house alone) I would shut my door and turn the volume down and constantly watch the video. She used to make me leave my door open because I'd watch it that much and one time she caught me (this is horrifically embarrassing) humping a teddy bear in the same way they were in the video. This wasn't the first time though, as when I was in nursery which in England is when you're round about four, there used to be this girl in my class and she kind of introduced me to it all. She told me she learnt about pussy or something and told me to go to the toilet and all I remember is we used to sneak out of class and touch each other. This happened all the way through primary school and me and my friends would dare eachother to run eachother when we were in assembly or in the classroom reading. Once I went to the toilet with my friend and she started licking me and then she bit me really hard and I started crying but when I went home I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure about the time frame of things but I'm trying to make this as simple as possible however come to think about it I did a lot of weird shit. There was this boy who was my mums friends son and we used to go to their house a lot, me and this kid who was a year younger than me would et completely naked and he would put his dick against my hole and just rub it against me, again my mum caught us. We didn't stop though and I remember this one time he was humping me naked under the kitchen wonder where our parents were but they couldn't see us. What I'm confused about is I have quite a few memories that are blurry to me a some parts. For example, my self proclaimed cousin or whatever was fifteen at the time I was 10 and I went to his house one day and we was in his room (he was teaching me to play on his play station) when I just remember him suggesting that we take our clothes off. I think it's pretty obvious by now I was a sexually curious child and so I did, he lay me on the floor and put a blanket over us and I remember kissing him on the mouth but I'm not sure if he ever touched me. I remember this a lot because a few days later at school we got a magazine about consent and sexual abuse and I couldn't decide wether it was a strange thing he'd done or not. The scariest time I can think off was when I was a little younger maybe 7, and ((Come to think of it everyone I knew was creepy)) there was some guy who I used to call uncle Richard. He was maybe 30/40 and he used to be my favourite person. We used to go to his room and watch cartoons. There's a memory that is stuck in my head like it literally happened today and I remember we were cuddling on his bed and he was stroking my leg and he asked me who my favourite uncle was so I told him that it was him. I remember laying down on the bed with my legs really wide open and he told me he needed to put cream on me but I can't remember if he did, I do remember that he had his hands down his pants and was facing me and now I know he would have been jacking off but all I knew then was that my favourite 'uncle' was staring at me whilst touching his 'private parts' and then held my hand afterwards. I think a lot of things I've just admitted too are quite strange especially considering I was under the age of ten for most of them. I'm definitely aware of masturbation, and I'm always extremely horny, I masturbate ever single day, sometimes more than twice. The fantasies start of normal but as I'm about to cum I always end up on sites like motherless trying to find 'real rape' videos or real grope videos and I can't cum until something looks real. I can't cum to role play porn and afterwards I feel a little sick but it turns me on that j feel sick and sometimes I end up masturbating again. A couple months ago my friend had a birthday party and I think I'm quite mature for my age and I was sat with all the adults getting drunk and talkin about politics and shit and old movies and I started talking o her uncle. He was very intense and made very direct and scary eye contact with me at all time and it made me squeeze my legs together. He was kinda chubby and had a beard and honestly he looked like some kind of serial killer. I say on the counter top and he stood between my legs and told me about lots of gory horror films and how he loved them. We went outside and there was no chairs so we sat in a circle with his girlfriend, and my friends parents and I sat on his knee and he kept stroking my back. I could feel the sexual tension. But because I'm normally strange and have these fantasies I thought it was just me. He took me in the garden give me a beer and a cigarette and told me to stare into his eyes. I did, and he kept biting his lip and telling me he thought I was pretty. I knew this was real and I was kinda creeped out because there's a difference between a secret fantasy you're ashamed of and a real life situation where a 35 year old man with a girlfriend is hitting on you, a 16 year old girl at a party. I told him I was going upstairs because I was getting light headed and a little weirded out. I went into my friends room and lay on the bed. I was hoping he'd come up and when he did I got freaked out because he had actually came up. He came in her room and shut the door, (the scariest part) and sat down close to me. He told me to kiss him and I said just started at him and he grabbed my face and started making out with me. My tummy literally dropped and I wanted to kiss back but he was 35! His girlfriend and my friends were downstairs and I would regret it. He was the same age as my dad. I pulled away and he grabbed me back and started kissing me more and his fingers slowly made their way to the outside of my knickers and I felt his fingers and I knew that if he knew how wet I was, we would have ended up fucking. I elbowed him and ran downstairs and about half an hour later after I told my friends, my other friends came downstairs and said he tried to kiss her but he didn't and that was all. I told them all what happened (minus me being wet and finding it hot) but turns out his girlfriend hears the whole thing and I nearly started crying. I broke them up, not sure if they're together now, but he wouldn't come down from upstairs and kept telling her it was bullshit and I made a move on him. He came downstairs and I pulled the cover up to my chin and he stopped walking and just stared at me with his psychopath eyes and I got so damn wet again. He looked so angry at me. When I masturbate I think of his really big hands all over me, and what would of happened if I didn't elbow him and just let him take advantage of me. Am I seriously fucked up? I'm really not sure what to do or anything here? I've tried to kill myself and I've taken cocaine, ecstasy, mdma and I smoke bud without fail every day. I started college three weeks ago and I'm at severe risk of being kicked out already. I'm not sure what's wrong with me apart from the fact I hate myself and I'm very ashamed and confused. I feel like I'm sexually/emotionally fucked up and I'm not quite sure what to do, or what anyone else should do with this information. Am I abnormal? Am I just fucking weird? Also I've had sex with one person but apparently I was very 'bitey' and before I lost my virginity I only met him three times (over the space of two years) and I got extremely drunk because I was that nervous. Sorry for any grammatical errors was trying to get this out as quick as possible.
I was inspired by another post here by a fellow member -IR radiation-, so I decided to rethink about my mindset and unexpectedly some issues surfaced; issues I thought of as CONCLUDED, but they seem not to really have been; since it seems to be a big post I will isolate different issues in separate paragraphs -sorry for my chemist/pharmacist-like expressions- #1 My penis: this issue surfaced by the age of 8, I think; when I started being sexually active; I engaged in lots of same-sex activities -sexual for sure I am living in a third world country, just think about a ghetto place and that will pretty much be it-; as my other post suggests I felt extreme inadequate down there; it was the shortest and the thinnest back in the day at least -I am not sure of now-; my inadequacy was shifted into self hate after I was used by a babysitter/child caregiver, in 2003/2004 and raped by 4:6 high-school juniors 1 years later -forced falletio, dry humping and beating- later I was so into watching porn that I was absorbed by it; my factual introduction was indeed by that child caregiver, but I didn't really understand a thing during that time, I just watched it with her and did to her what she asks; I watched for the faps and to learn -any of my family members wasn't an option-; I was fed by a higher state of inadequacy -interracial porn ruined me-; a preteen/early teen comparing himself to porn-stars -an unfair challenge and even more unfair when the black stereotypes are taken in consideration, but tell me back then- I was disturbed by some questions? why my member is tiny? why it's not straight like those I'm seeing and have seen? as I grew up I learned about the tricks they use in the porn industry, and that statistically I am gifted in length and normal in girth and can get around it through implants; I also found out that all those years I have watched around 13 terabytes of porn videos -not including pictures-; but you know confidence is from the inside, so I know facts and info; HOWEVER, the void has devoured something in; I don't feel but inadequate and unworthy of girls. #2 My sexuality: getting turned on is not a problem of the most; not mine neither; however in public, with real people,yeah it is; not only I am picky but also fear blocks me; fear of disapproval, segregation, discrimination; peers, parents, and society don't approve gay relationships, and the obvious from #1 I utterly afraid to ask out any girl or even getting near them; but now I am no more of afraid, just more of down; left the competition. Let girls find better men while I conceal my last piece of respect I may have from this competition, which I am not qualified to enter; I used to think I am straight and that all my homosexual encounters in the past was experiencing my sexuality; I know girls turn me on but I don't know if the extreme hardness to get a hard on by girls is out of being gay or being afraid; since I never out of this fear, I don't know. I am just sure I am turned on by both sexes so maybe I am a bisexual? dunno! #3 Incestual feelings! that's fucked up and I know it, but I am sexually attracted to my mother from the age of 7 until now, and I'm 19 years old; however I would never bang my own mother and I won't even try; not just because I am afraid of her like other woman, but also because I know she don't share this feeling to me and that she is my mother; I also understand its even more evolutionary fucked up to be my own mother's lover because wasn't only one version of some shit like me enough for this world, and also their will be a 75% chance for my offspring with her to be as worthless as I, unlike a maximum 50% if it was another girl out of my entire family; just I will never do it with my mother; but I can't deny the fact I WANT her, and I don't really know what to do about it. #4 My past, I'm not alone! I only remembered the "getting-raped" incidents of my childhood nearly a year an a half ago when some online troll sent me a video in which a child was being used. I opened it unsuspecting, and this Filipino child-caregiver face haunted my vision; I re-experienced all of what happened in the past; a year later, I understood that the video actually freed memories, which my brain suppressed to ease my trauma -as I was taking a course in psychology-; as tears, which also screwed my vision, was running down my cheeks, I said to myself: "I wasn't alone, this child, too, is being used and I can't help it. what a cruel life -I was mortified-"; I wasn't afraid of carrying the video because DUH I'm in a third-world country, but I deleted it since the unease it have driven me into is beyond expressions -I don't ever want to relive my past-; I don't really know why? but I feel bad, really bad....like I another child will be as ruined/worthless as me and feel the void, which I thought I am alone of having all those years; LOSS!