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Found 88 results

  1. Sebs0424

    Completely overwhelmed

    Hello everyone. Is hard to believe that im actually seeking help for my small penis syndrome, I am 6 inches lenght erect and 5 in girth. Some would say is not that bad, but whenever i look down I see i little shamefull penis. With the years it have not got better even its getting worse. Since I met my gf de anxiety has get much more unstopable, because now I wonder if she would enjoy more a bigger penis, if she would orgasm with a bigger penis, well all that kind of stuff that keep you awake at night. She tells me that I please her as no one has ever done. But i'm unable to believe that, I just see my penis as an useless penis that will never be enough. Desperetly I bought an hydromax pump, and yes I got some results, but not even close to what i expected, so yes another thing to get frustrated about "I bought that expensive shit to get big, but now it seems that there's no hope" I really try to be ok with what i have but it seems to be more difficult everyday, i've lost my sexdrive, because i can stop thinking that she deserves something "better". I really dont know what to do and I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks for your time and your comprehension. Pd: sorry if I wrote bad some words or if didnt expressed myself correctly. English is not my 1st languaje. Thx.
  2. My mother is probably one of the most hypocritical person I have ever met in my life. I was rejected by my mother since the day I was born mainly because of the reason that she did not feel any love or attachment towards me and that would possibly be due to the reason of the matter of the fact that she got an arranged marriage that was absolutely loveless. The weakness in her resolve further deteriorated her character to an abysmal level. She belonged to a religious conservative family background as the daughter of a farmer who was also a holy man who had quite a significant number of adherents or followers who worshiped him like God. Imagine how much pressure it would bring on a liberal person of my stature when you are in the position of being a grandson to a holy man being worshiped by a whole jurisdiction or region of people belonging to different tribes and groups. I remember the first time when I was a child and a follower kneeled into prostration in front of me and I got really confused and I asked my mother that you always told me that only God deserves to be worshiped in this way and only he should be kneeled upon, then why is he doing this to me? Does he think that I am God? My mother’s answer was that they think that we are God’s ambassadors on the planet and due to being born in a specific tribe we become high born and gain royal blood which puts us in a position of huge responsibility of taking care of our kingdom. This made absolutely no sense to me as I believed and was taught by my religion that all men are created equal and no white has precedence over black and no local has precedence over a foreigner. The original version of our religion taught us that people of all religions and cultures are supposed to be respected. The Christians and Jews can be our friends and they will not go to hell just because they are not Muslims; they will go to heaven and they will be judged just like we would and their respective Prophets will act as their ambassadors on the Day of Judgment. It is written in the Quran as well; God says that if it were up to me I would have created all humankind with same faith but I deliberately created this diversity as a test so that we learn how to respect and overcome our differences and honestly join together through our similarities to live in peace and harmony with each other. That’s why in our religion interfaith and interracial marriages are encouraged to promote this level of diversity. It would absolutely be self contradictory for a religion to state that other religions or races or colors or creeds should be isolated but at the same time be allowed as well. Unfortunately there are some factions in our religion that think otherwise even though there is quite an overwhelming level of evidence or proof to suggest the contrary. But again they are a few and majority still believes that it is just fine. However the rest of the world is bent on vilifying us for a religion that is vastly misunderstood not by the foreigners only but also by the Muslims themselves. People don’t understand when I tell them that when Quran has a verse saying "Kill all the outsiders who have wronged you" it was only applicable to the people 1400 years in the past when they were in the middle of a war for their survival from the Quraish tribe that was trying to kill them for their Islamic beliefs and not for all time up till the day of judgment. The verse as usual has been taken out of context and misinterpreted to defame a peaceful religion. Anyway my ultimate question to my mother was very simple; how can a man who doesn’t even know about his own future and can’t even predict about his own fate on the day of judgment would be able to save these people and offer them retribution or salvation? My mother could not satisfactorily answer this question because she knew that this whole phenomenon of "Holiness" was just a cultural travesty and had nothing to do with religion in the first place to begin with anyway. But due to this level of unawareness my mother was brainwashed into following a hypocritical system of retroactive conformity of a class system designed to subjugate the illiterate people and manipulating them into believing in something that was not the truth to create a culture of subservience towards the power and influence of the ruling classes which would keep them in their place and vulnerable to follow rules that would keep them functioning in the lower order so that the masters keep their agricultural lands and their production in accordance with government tyranny and corporate imperialism. Obviously my mother began to realize that as a woman her position might actually be quite secondary and at the end of the day her brothers will get majority of the benefits. That includes the inheritance of land as well which is also a cultural thing. My mother after conforming towards the hypocritical fundamentalism of her traditional family still got betrayed by her own father which then resulted in developing a high level of insecurity in her personality and behavior. Although she was educated but due to limited vacancy she didn’t get a job and now was stuck in raising a family which she didn’t want to. She wanted to belong in the social circle of her relatives and she tried her level best to impress them and be hospitable to their needs and follow the standards of traditional living but none of that was good enough for her super rich extended family who always put her down for absolutely no reason until she just lost her mind. In that frustration and irritation she took her fear and hate out on me in the most negative manner possible. In order to make matters worse she decided to find refuge in religion which further manipulated her inferiority complex and low self-esteem and used it as a weapon to make her think and do whatever the organization wanted her to think and do. Islamic guilt has a way of making you feel like a sinner 24 hours a day just like many other religions. They turn you into their puppets by making you go through a stage wise process of Kubler Ross and David Kessler Model of grief which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Majority of the traditional housewives that turn towards the asylum of religion are suffering from grief, but the major difference is that they are not transformed into zombie robots that are devoid of critical thinking and human emotion or are made to follow the laws and rules of suppression or submission or obedience or oppression. That put me in her sniper sights and she found me as a perfect suitable escape goat for her life’s problems and troubles and used me as a punching bag to take out her nihilism, pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and all her negativity. She became a rageaholic maniac determined to make my life a living hell because her husband treated her like a piece of garbage and religion blamed her for it. She was a classic case textbook manual orthodox run-of-the-mill example of a spoiled rich pampered girl suffering from biochemical instability and hormonal imbalance. A relationship is based on trust, respect, loyalty, justice, empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness and when your own mother doesn’t even fulfill one factor then you’re fate has obviously dealt you a tough hand. I became a victim of mental and physical abuse by my mother as well. The issue that really hurt me was her weakness in acknowledging the truth or fact of the situation and her inability to be loyal and just while being trustworthy and reliable. She was being unfair and didn’t even realize it. In order to make matters worse she started lying about everything in order to save her reputation. In order to save her reputation she would lie about me not only to my family members but also to my relatives negotiating her honor and dignity. This behavior made her lose her trust and respect but she was willing to surrender her ethics and morals. It is part of our righteous piety that we are not at liberty to divulge sensitive or private levels of information about our own family members to anybody including members of the extended family as well. My mother would say or do anything to her own family members in order to save her reputation which goes to show how much pride has led her astray and towards the depths of hypocrisy. She would gladly throw me to the wolves by blaming me for whatever problems or troubles happened to me in my life but also blame me for everything wrong that happened in the lives of my whole family including her if she is put in a tight spot which is absolutely irreversible and unacceptable. Let me give you an example on how much vindictive my mother could become. When I was a kid I used to have trouble breathing due to a diverging nose that had a middle bone that was so deformed that it blocked my left nostril and I wasn’t able to inhale proper amounts of air to get oxygen and it used to be a problem and on top of that my nose is very small in fact I probably have the smallest nostrils in the world which obviously wasn’t helping the problem as well but making it a little worse. I was having trouble sleeping and used to snore very loudly and then had an accumulation of nasal fluid that used to infect my sinuses while also causing things like sleep apnea. All of these situations resulted in my nostril tissues, nasal passages, airways, sinuses, throat, tonsils, esophagus, lungs and my whole respiratory system getting negatively infected. I was obviously diagnosed with DNS (Deviated Nasal Septum) and surgery was recommended immediately when the situation became more serious as my nose had grown to almost its full length as I was 16 years old. The treatment of surgery was only the most logical approach recommended by the doctor or specialist but my mother just refused to admit that I would actually be suffering from something genuine and she blamed me for being sensitive to my respiratory disease. I had to fight for my right of being taken seriously and treated as quickly as possible before something else happened but my whole family didn’t want to listen. Ultimately I had to use my father’s rank and had to go to the naval hospital myself alone to get my surgery done so I took the bicycle and admitted myself without telling my parents. After I woke up from the surgery I informed my father that I had gotten he surgery done and I am going to be returning after a few days. Upon returning home and still bleeding from my nose I was going into my bedroom and I saw my mother in the lounge totally offended and removed from the intensity or potency of the situation. Her words were absolutely one of the most painful and hurtful words I would ever hear in my whole lifetime. She said and I quote "You would always be a pain in my neck". I would never forget these words as they are one of the most heartless, thoughtless, uncompassionate, inconsiderate, unkind and selfish words a mother could ever tell her child after he has gone through so much pain already and in which he had no fault of his own and he never inconvenienced her in the slightest and did everything himself even then she could not say one word of support. What kind of a mother is she that just doesn’t give a damn? But who am I kidding right; she never gave a damn about me since the day I was born in the first place to begin with anyway. This incident was just to give you a small idea of what she could actually do if things were not going her way. My mother actually has a much worse habit of manipulating her family members into making them fight amongst themselves by portraying herself as the victim and then using the ignorance of the family member to turn against his own flesh and blood. This kind of devious activity would probably put even the devil to shame. Once she went to such an extent that she made all four members of my family including me fight amongst each other for a very trivial issue that had nothing to do with anything. My mother plays the innocent victim or the damsel in distress routine better than anybody I have ever known because that is the ultimate forte of the women in my region and it is known as deception. In order to formulate her lust and greed for power and influence and keep herself relevant inside the family she would say or do anything to keep the relationships among the family members unstable so that she can keep on reaping the benefits. My family members can’t process multiple relationships so they stick to their most favorite ones and this weakness is then exploited by my mother who plays on their insecurities and turns them against each other so that she can still remain important. She will indulge herself in this devious game and turn father against son and sister against brother and that’s how she will get her way with us. How do I influence her in a positive manner that our relationship could be improved?
  3. Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.
  4. Small

    Depression, Guilt & Regret

    When I was in primary school, I had never come to know any serious sadness. Looking back now and even then, my life felt like a Utopia - most of which I probably just made up in my mind. Of course I was extremely quiet and loved isolation - my parents recall that I would worry incessantly about the smallest things & that they would often find sitting alone in the dark. It was around the age of 12 or 13 that I began to experience guilt & regret. And here's the thing. It's like the guilt and regret is intrinsic to my essence - and occurs in me abundantly & independently of actual life events, and latch on to anything to make me extremely sad. If I were to address a situation that I am feeling guilty about - the guilt would simply attach itself to something else. It never goes away. Just moves from place to place. I didn't mean to pick on guilt, I worry, stress, and regret things that in actuality might be trivial, although some I admit are substantial. I can't escape from these feelings. I am DROWNING in every waking moment. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope?
  5. VilleLipponen

    I want to overcome my anziety

    My wife left me because of my small penis. She had never confirmed it, but the signs were obvious and she had remarried and is now with a man who is very well endowed. This had damaged my self esteem, my personal image, my personality - i've become dull and negative, and had damaged my nervous system - i now live between panic attacks. I want to find a way to not care about it, just dismiss the fact that i am rejected by the opposite gender, that my kids have a stepfather who they live with, because i was physically not enough. I thought of committing suicide. I came very close to it, i think, and that is when my attacks started happening - i felt that i did not want to die but also had to do something about my situation and the only thing that i could do was to kill myself (i am not promoting that). (i had a noose tied up and was going to hang myself in a sitting position. i stayed home that day, to work from home, knowing that i am staying to try and go through with it. i lack imagination - i don't know why i stayed home for that because this could have been done anywhere. that morning i kept debating with myself whether there is another way, another action that i could take ... that was all i could come up with. eventually i noticed that my heart was going extremely fast, that i was unable to move my arms because they were numb and ... i blacked out for a second ... like everything just goes blank and black, you loose control over all muscles, i started falling, i shook myself out of it, jumped, ran outside, it happened again - another blank, fell on my knees, came back to it, i though it was a heart attack ... neighbors called an ambulance. this was on April 04. i still have these attacks once in a while) So ... i am still unable to pry off the "i have a small penis" tiara of my head I want to find a way to not hate and want my ex wife back (a very confusing emotion). I want to be able to accept the rejection, and find a way to be happy or indifferent. I also don't want to be rejected by the opposite gender and what i want is to genuinely believe women if they were to accept me ... i am sort of loosing my mind over this because i am deeply convinced that all women will discriminate against me and humiliate me and also think that somehow i should keep trying to move on and try being in a relationship, which i don't know whether i deserve, if my hypothetical partner would be giving up pleasure ... it is very confusing - i feel entitled and selfish ... and what i want to feel is "what a great day has this day been. look how much i've done and achieved", even if i am alone for the rest of my life. How do i get there? Thanks
  6. Guest

    Hello everyone

    Hi everybody. Got bullied a lot growing up, teased in the locker room, etc. Hope to share in experiences, advice, moral support
  7. Flower Bobo

    Cant handle yelling

    My moms a good lady but she yells a lot. She's been bey stressed ever since my dad died after being unemployed for 6 months. When that happened she had to scramble to get a job and could no longer be a stay at home mom. She's very frustrated with me bc I never ever clean ever. I know it's bad I just have zero motivation. But anyways, she yells at me a lot and she says typical parental punishment threats like "If you don't clean up down here I'll throw away everything laying out!" And she never ever acts on it and she loves me very much but I still get so anxious when she yells. Like anytime she yells at me, no matter how long or short it is I start to panic and get really sick and have irrational thoughts she wants to kill me. (she'd never do that and she's never laid a hand on me) she does her best and I love her a lot but I still need help managing my anxiety in response to yelling.. (please don't call my momma abusive shes a good person and saying that will give me an anxiety attack)
  8. Hello, my name is Lauren. I have Dysthymia, OCD, and acute anxiety. I have a hard time making friends because I honestly think everyone hates me, but my therapist said I should try connecting to others with similar problems to me, so, here I am. I'm 23, married, and I hate myself. Who can relate?
  9. Flower Bobo

    Meds trouble

    So I was on .5mg of risperidone and 100mg of sertraline, but I was having some side effects. The risperidone caused me to gain a lot of weight and the sertraline um... decreased libido. I was rlly unhappy with this and complained to my psychiatrist. She switched me to 1mg Guanfacine and 50mg sertraline. So my problem is that 2 days after I started, I started having dry mouth (a side effect of guanfacine apparently) and I had an anxiety attack bc I was afraid I was getting diabetes. I've gotten over that but I still have dry mouth and have been feeling a lot more anxious than I used to before switching. I'm really not happy with how I'm feeling (the dry mouth sucks and I hate it and having an anxiety attack for a week isn't fun either) I fear that the dry mouth side effect will never go away and I'm also scared that Ill never find a medicine that'll help me or that I'll have to go back on risperidone (bc again, weight gain is not what I need) please help me, thanks!
  10. Lately I've been living in fear. The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old. I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray. At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age. The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair. Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this. The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this. I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever. Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future. I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading nonetheless
  11. CheldonMK

    Hello Friends!

    I'm Cheldon (Yes that's my real name. My mom gave it to me for my birthday) I came here because I don't get a lot of emotional and mental support at home. My family loves me, they just don't really know how to be supportive of me despite my illnesses. I have Bipolar Disorder Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) I need support from people who understand what it's like and know where I'm coming from. I also have a blog called Abnormal Grey Matter. Hopefully, we can all learn from and support eachother.
  12. passionfruit3

    Old panics

    Im starting to have old panics today i went to lunch with my dad and brother and we went to this cool nature reserve and now im just in full panic cause i feel my dad is doing this cause he doesn't know how much time he has left with us his brothers all died in there fiftys hes fifty one now. He gave me a photo of when he was younger.hes doing all these good things for people feeding and giving water to homeless he even talks about losing his memory to old age.i cant live without him.we treated eachother badly at a time in my life.but if he goes i want to go to.my mother has my siblings i cant be without my dad even if i am closer to my mom.but if i just went in a few months from now maybe i coukd just remember both my parents and family as alive.i always. Screw up on things so i dont want to try but if i could find a way could i do it?i just wonder.
  13. Anne70436

    I really need some help

    Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm writing because I would like some advice on my situation. I'm a teenager who has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. However, Im not sure if this is what I actually have, or if there might be something else. this is why I'm writing and seeking advice, because after thinking and contemplating about myself, I've decided that perhaps my worries might be true. I haven't talked to my psychiatrist about my mental health worries because it's hard to meet up with him right now. Please don't dismiss this as just a teenage phase or anything, because some of the things that are bothering me, such as my behaviour, have been present since I was a kid. I’m not saying that this isn’t a teenage problem, it could be, but it’s just that after a long time of reasoning with myself and introspective thinking, I think that I should consider this to be an issue that needs to be looked at. Sorry if this is really long, I'm in a terrible state right now with few people to turn to. My parents don’t understand, I’ve opened up to them many many times, but it’s just difficult. I am deeply grateful for any advice. Basically, this is about my behaviour and the symptoms I've been experiencing. I've always had a depressive, and introverted personality. I'm also imaginative, and I've never had that many friends, but I've never felt that my preference to be alone, or my behaviour or personality was ever an issue until I developed mental health issues during my teenage years. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, fantasizing about my own stories and other things and I would also say that I'm a bit of a messed up person, because my imagination tends to get quite dark, as I like to write about dark and profound fictional stories about the human experience and all that. People have stated that I'm weird, eccentric, and say weird things and the friends I had as a child also stated the same thing. I just assumed that I’m a creative person, but a lot of people do think I am weird, and I also have serious mental health issues, so I’m not confident in the fact that I should just embrace my crazy mind and be myself, because I’m pretty sure that my melancholic personality and tendency to fantasize all the time is one of the causes of my mental illness. I have difficulty making friends, like in terms of communication I just can't seem interesting enough to people or become close friends with them. People just talk to me for a while and our relationship is pretty superficial. Even the friends that I already have are closer to one another than they are to me. I would say that I’m not extremely hopeless in social skills because I can make surface-level friendships. But it’s just that I’ve lived a large portion of my life in solitude and the source of most of my social contact has been my family. A large portion of my life has been spent in my own head rather than with other people. When talking to people, I find it kind of draining to come up with something to say, and sometimes I can’t come up with anything interesting in order to continue a conversation without sounding too weird for other people. Or if i do come up with something to say, people would just nod, laugh a little, or comment a bit. It doesn’t feel like we have anything deeper developing between us, just small conversations that turn into silence eventually. I’m graduating from high school this year and the couple of friends that I have made from these past years aren’t people that I would feel comfortable divulging my deepest personal issues to, because we just aren’t that close. I feel like this behaviour isn't healthy or normal, and since I've developed mental health issues, it probably isn't. I also grew up with an autistic brother who's really low-functioning, but for a long time I've never felt that growing up in this environment was distressful or anything. It wasn't until when I suddenly developed mood and anxiety issues later on that I began to think carefully about my past, and the kind of personality that I have. I'm not sure if the behavioral traits I described above are just my innate personality, or if they're actually reactions to some kind of stress experienced during a young age, which eventually turned into my personality. I'm not sure what to think yet, whenever I assume it's just my personality and there’s nothing more to ponder about, I'm reminded of how different my past and present self are from my peers. They all have friends, enough social skills to get by in this world, and don't have such a dark personality with such dark thoughts at an age as young as 11, and they seem to be able to overcome the difficulties they have in life. Right now I have mood issues that are literally destroying my life, giving me weird symptoms, like irrational fears, so I can't settle on the fact that I just have an unique personality and I should just embrace it because my behaviour is causing great problems for me. Some parts of it I can embrace, but overall, my life is being ruined right now and I have a huge road ahead to walk, so I have to start improving my social skills and lessening my chances of having another anxiety relapse or another mental illness, or otherwise it will be an extremely hard life. When I was 12 years old, I read about schizophrenia because I was interested in psychology and thought about pursuing a career in it in the future. I did a predisposition test on it for fun back then, and some of the questions seemed eerily like me, and it had me seriously worried about myself. I didn't finish the test because I was alarmed by how some of the questions applied to me, like lack of friends, or interest in making friends, spending a lot of time in my head, not making sense when communicating, and being a fearful person. Sometimes people say that I don't make sense when I talk, usually when I'm cracking jokes. When people read my writing, they sometimes say that I don't make sense either, but this could probably be because I tend to think a lot. I also read that people who are predisposed or prone to developing psychotic disorders tend to be fearful individuals from a young age who have difficulties making frends, spend alot of time in their head, and show signs of depression at a young age. I never actually had depression in the mental illness sense as a child, but I had suicidal thoughts when I was 11 years old, but never acted on them or anything. It was just part of my dark thinking, and I also had some other disconcerting behaviours as a child as well. I was worried that I was prone to developing the disorder. it’s a spectrum, so I was worried that i might develop a milder type, since it’s less possible to get the more severe type. However, eventually I got over it and told myself that it was just a test, although developed by some kind of mental health institution, may not be an accurate measurement at all, and I'm just scaring myself for nothing. I had found that i identified with some of the traits of schizotypal personality disorder to varying degrees. It made me feel like I am just so messed up. Had I been an emotionally healthier person and still found that I identified with some of the traits, I wouldn’t have paid that much attention to it. But since I have so many issues, I wondered about the possibility. Eventually, I stopped thinking about these things and vowed to change the parts of my personality that might contribute to making my life miserable. I worked on my social skills, fantasized less and paid attention to how much anxiety I was feeling, as well to the types of thoughts I was having. I was able to live well without any mental health issues and worrying about schizophrenia and other mental health issues became nothing more than a little bump in my life. I truly thought that it was silly of me to pathologize myself like that and my quirks and behaviours are just part of who I am, not a mental illness. However, I developed mental health issues that made me reconsider all that. The first anxiety issue that I had experienced was when I was 15 years old. It got triggered when someone told me about sleep paralysis, about the hallucinations and the fear, and it invoked a visceral fear within me. I think that I was reminded of schizophrenia and of how fragile my own mind was, since I was easily scared by that test when everyone I talked to, like my parents and my friends didn't buy into things like that so easily. My fragility and how easily I get scared made me afraid that I might get something as terrifying as that. Eventually I snapped out of it, telling myself that I might not get it. I also left this episode behind as a little bump in my life. After this, I continued to work on some parts of my behaviour to reduce my likelihood of getting another episode of anxiety. I continued working on my personality. The reason why I have anxiety and depression right now is because of something very disconcerting that I had experienced 2 years ago. I've been experiencing mental health issues for two years now as a result of this even though I've tried reasoning with myself; the intense emotions didn't leave, even though I've changed my thought process, and also my mental state has completely changed. Basically what happened was that I was listening to a song I had recently found and began to really like. It ignited my creativity greatly and I just felt really great listening to it. But then one night a fragment of the song just got stuck in my head on repeat for the whole night. I couldn't dislodge it, or lessen the intensity. I tried singing it to the end, cocentrating on my breath and doing mindfulness breathing , and replacing it with another song, but it didn't help at all and the new song started getting a little stuck in my head as well. Eventually it got worser and I couldn't sleep for the whole night. There was no clear trigger to this. The day before this happened, I had felt relatively normal, just slightly more happier because of the song, and it also happened on the night before summer school started, but I didn’t feel extremely worried about it or anything. There was no cause for worry or stress, so stress and anxiety, one of the causes of stuck songs (earworms) that I had found online, didn’t apply to me. It occurred from within me, with no obvious trigger. The only answer I can come up for this is that I must have unwittingly lost control of my excited, or happy mood and I must have unconsciously felt anxious about summer school. Combined together, it caused this to happen. Now, every song I hear would get stuck in my head and occasionally my brain would repeat fragments of what people say. I don’t mind it now that I kind of got used to it, but I wasn’t like this in the past and these things just pop into my brain without my control. I know that stuck songs are common and that everyone gets them, and what I found online all state that having this is normal. But none of it stated anything about having it for the whole night, interfering with sleep and causing great distress. Eventually, I dug deeper and what I found was that people who experience severe song looping episodes already suffer from mental illnesses like OCD, or bipolar disorder. I was reluctant to pay any attention to bipolar disorder, but for OCD, I can see how my neurotic brain might be prone to obsessive thoughts since I already have anxiety. But then I read that creative people have a higher chance of suffering from bipolar disorder, and seeing how I already have moderate to severe anxiety and depression, I might be prone to mood disorders as well, since anxiety disorders are often comorbid with mood disorders. Some of my friends have also told me that my mood is either really high or really low, with no in betweens. This might be that I'm just an energetic person, since I've been pretty energetic as a kid, but considering the fact that I’m hypersensitive and moody as a child and I’ve also developed mental issues, I don’t know what to think. When I watch a movie or see something that excites me, I get shivers down my spine and my creative side gets stimulated too and my mood becomes high and it takes a while to come back down. This didn't happen that much when I was younger (my creativity would get stimulated, but my mood never took a while to return to normal) This only started becoming more prominent recently prior to my anxiety episode and during it. If mood was the trigger for this stuck song, then I wouldn’t have had any control over it, since I felt that everything was fine, and then my brain decided to go crazy at night. So since the severe song looping episode occurred after a period in which I felt really happy, as I was listening to the song, I am worried that I might be prone to mood disorders, or if I'm already in an early stage of one. I feel that the frustration that this song looping caused me is abnormal; it is a stuck thought that had gone completely out of control and the anxiety it caused me was also completely out of control and abnormal. If it isn't just a possible mood disorder, then I probably have some symptoms of OCD too, since this episode really interfered with my life. During the early periods of my anxiety episode, I also found out that apparently nothing can prevent the onset of mental illnesses like psychotic disorders, or mood disorders, so apparently nothing I did in the past to prevent any more relapses would be able to avoid the development of other mental disorders. I also found a bunch of other stuff that completely changed my view of mental illness as a whole, such as how every mental illness share similar symptoms, so it’s hard to tell if someone has one mental disorder or if they possibly have another more serious one as well. Apparently, OCD is related to Bipolar as well. My therapist didn’t really help. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with her. She shut me down when I was trying to talk to her about some heavy topics, and she wants to cancel my session because she assumes that I’m doing better when in fact I’m not. I’m still conflicted, and it seems it will be a while before I recover from the chaos in my mind. It really just seems like all the anxiety is right; I would worry about having a mental illness, then dismiss it a being incorrect thinking. But then later on down the road, I developed an anxiety disorder. Then I would just say that there’s no point in paying attention to anxiety and that it doesn’t mean that I’ll develop anxiety again after I overcome one episode. Then 2 months later, a mentally distressing event with no clear caused occurred out of the blue and that intense feeling of anxiety came back full force I worked so hard at changing my behaviour, but then I’ll fall back ten steps. It’s challenging to live doubting my sanity, but I’m determined to overcome by mental health issues by any means possible. I'm dealing with all of this by myself now, and I would really like some advice on my situation. In addition, I feel like I have issues expressing myself clearly because i leave certain details out of my writing. For instance, after writing this I look back on it and realized that I should have mentioned certain things so that my point would have been conveyed better. If anyone has been through something similar to what I’m experiencing right now, any advice on how to navigate through these issues are deeply appreciated. In short, my behaviour and recent events in my life ( song-looping ) have led me to question my mental health. According to my personal history, should this stuck song episode warrant any concern? And according to my personal history, should I be concerned about my mental health, or should I just leave it as severe anxiety and depression? My current mental state is messed up, though technically it’s an extension of all the messed up thoughts that I had as a kid. Basically I’ve always been a cowardly person, and right now my anxiety has me doubting everything, even things that are irrational. To anyone who read this, I am deeply grateful for your help. Thank you very much.
  14. charlieharris

    i don't know what to do

    i am really altered right now because of a fight i had with my mom. i have at least 3 panic attacks in a 'normal' day and i don't get used to it and it feels like the won't go away anytime soon please help
  15. bumble

    My life is a whirlwind

    Hello. I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll apologize right off the bat for this coming out jumbled if it does. I feel very scattered, or I have felt this way for a couple of months now. Currently I'm a girl attending college in Ohio. Since I was in the fourth grade I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I think this anxiety was amplified because my family moved so often. I've attended at least 10 different schools and lived in 4 different states over the years. The moving was due to my Dad's ambition to climb the corporate latter. Though, despite having issues for so long I've only recently been diagnosed with both GAD and depression. I feel like i'm really broken right now and I'm really not sure who I can turn to at this point. Over the summer my dad was infected with a life threatening illness. Thankfully he's alive, but the illness has left him paralyzed. He's currently living in Florida with my mother and my little sister. My two younger brothers are living with other family members because the apartment my parents are living in now is too tiny to house all of them. My father is a business man, and was the breadwinner for our family. Now he is unable to move his lower body and just yesterday went to the hospital again for another seizure. My mother is scared and is doing all she can to help out. Considering the situation he's in my dad is an incredible human being. He continually works to find a job and has been more patient and kind than I've ever seen him, so that's a huge blessing. My boyfriend is a sweet and artistic soul who seems to be struggling a lot right now. He's an extremely talented, artist, musician, and writer. His mother, the parent he was closest to, died in his junior year of high school. He's told me that he believes he's had depression even before her passing. But, her death I think has and still is weighing heavily on him, and his relationship with his family, though ultimately loving, is strained. I've encouraged him to go see a counselor and he is. But, he's highly avoidant (like me) and seems to struggle setting boundaries with people (also like me) and has missed two appointments so far because of other commitments or exhaustion. And then there's me. I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I just know that I feel wrong. I worry all the time and I feel bad to admit it, but I worry so much about how others perceive me. I have really low self esteem. I've tried to make friends, but I usually end up pushing them away some how, or I guess I just struggle being fully authentic with people. I think I hide the real me behind a soft spoken, kind, and optimistic girl who's a bit of a baby. I'm shirking my responsibilities and have lost many if not all my friends simply because I stopped reaching out and the connection was never that strong to begin with. And, this is a repeating cycle that has happened with many of the people I've encountered thus far in my life. I don't think they even know what happened, I think I kind of just faded away. That tears me up a little, or it did for a long time. Lately, I've been terrified of this numbness, or apathy i've been feeling. I feel really ashamed of who I am. I think I'm broken. What's worse is I'm trying to cling on my boyfriend when he needs me to be strong for him. Sometimes, and I know this sounds really self centered,it is but, I feel as if he doesn't love me for me. It feels like he loves all my good qualities but doesn't really know how to deal with my broken parts. I know he's sad and so overwhelmed with his own problems I can't expect him to bear mine. I don't blame him for that usually. However, when I'm really low, I do tend to get upset with him, but I try my best to keep it internal and talk myself out of it. Though, sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship? I don't think either of us are mentally healthy. It's really starting to wear on me. I feel easily ashamed of my own feelings and I'm very self critical. My emotions have been reeling from anger, sadness, to feeling perfectly normal. I've been apprehensive to post because writing these types of things out always feels like I may be misinterpreted or judged. But, I'm really at a low point right now and I'm finding myself just wanting some outside input. I don't really know what it is I can be helped with though. I just feel like I'm in a fog. Thanks for your time. It's greatly appreciated.
  16. livinglife123

    Hey there!

    Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you well I'm super happy to have finally joined this forum and I can't wait for to give/receive support and have great conversations! My name is Bri and I'm a 22 year old female. I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety. I do not take any medications and do not wish to (I was prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro and after 2 doses I basically lost my mind). I hope to heal and recover naturally, even though it'll be a tougher road I have a great support system and a strong desire to get better! More recently I have been struggling with bouts of feeling unreal and like I'm dreaming, about to wake up. I feel very detached and I am truly terrified. I have just come down from an intense 2 month period of an extreme obsession, and a week after I finally recovered from that I got scared that I had no anxiety at all so I had a moment of derealization, which naturally my purely obsessional OCD latched onto because it latches on any fear I may have when I am weak, and for the last 3 days I have been obsessing over depersonalization and derealization (not sure even if I even have them or if my OCD is making myself believe I have them) Overall, I meet weekly with a counselor and I plan to begin CBT soon with an OCD specialist and hope to conquer my latest suffering. I am also looking into a new diet to specifically help my brain function better and begin working out to help my anxiety as well. Also, I'm attempting to gain a normal sleep schedule and to possibly look into yoga/meditation along with some amazing self help books I lean on. Any feedback or anything you want to say, please feel free to share! I can't wait to chat with you all Best- Bri
  17. flower

    First time self-harming

    I am having a really bad bout of anxiety and depression and I just self-harmed for the first time. I scared myself and I'm upset that I did it, and I feel guilty about telling my loved ones even though I really feel like I need to talk about this. It's not life-threatening but I'm scared and upset and need to talk.
  18. Koalaterr

    New Kid

    Hi, I decided to visit this place to reach out to ther people. I have a hard time being social because of the anxiety I have about people. I'm really looking for friends to talk to about music and art and stuff so I don't start to go in my little mind hole of despair. I've had a big problem come up between me and someone I loved very much, so that literally destroyed the friendships I had because they all side with her. So anyway, I love to talk and be supportive of others, and I want to connect with some new people ?
  19. Hi, I exist. I also have anxiety and severe depression. So I guess we'll get to know eachother over time.
  20. I'm new here, so I'm extremely sorry if I end up doing something wrong or whatever (formatting, posting in general, etc). For some backstory- I'm fourteen years of age, almost fifteen. I haven't been diagnosed with any sort of mental health issue (I haven't really gone to any pyschiatrists or anything either, though). I've dealt with extremely irrational thoughts since before I can remember. I know they're irrational, but they just keep happening. If I, for example, touch my pet dog I can basically feel the germs he has unleashed onto my hand (I know that's funny wording). Because of this, I must wash my hands, or else my brain will tell me that I am going to get a disease and die. If I'm away from my house, I get paranoid that I have somehow caused our house to get robbed. I also often worry that if I'm going somewhere alone, someone is going to mug and/or assault me. Because of this, I have to stay at home or near someone else (almost) at all times. I worry about what other people think, presumeably more than a lot of people I know. Those are only a few examples, but I think they get the point across. This whole situation has pushed me to the brink of suicide many, many times, but (ironically enough) I am too worried that, if there is a hell (I'm not actively religious, but I like to stay open-minded) then what if I end up going to it? I can think of many reasons why that would happen, honestly. My parents don't exactly seem to care all too much about my issues, but then again I think I'm just kind of paranoid. I don't really get along with my dad, so that could also be a reason I suppose. My mom tells me that I can talk to her about my issues and whatnot, but I don't think that's the case; the only answer she ever gives me is that "teen years are extremely difficult", or "well, you can't possibly have anything really wrong with you". I believe in both of these points, it's just that they are never reassuring and they never ease my problems at all. Then again, I shouldn't really expect others to help aid my issues. Anyway, that was a really long, dramatic 'hello' from me.
  21. TheSadPig

    What to do?

    What should I do? I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. My parents and friends ignore me, I barely ever see my family, and I normally am locked up in my room (I lock myself in) to skip school. I don't eat and am falling behind in studies. My best friend recently committed suicide and I just want to see her again, not in a picture. Help. I feel there is only one solution to my neverending grief, anxiety, and depression.
  22. so i dont really drink but the election has had me up so late and i cant stop thinking about it and earlier i literally wanted to drown myself in alcohol to forget about it but now im thinking if i can at least drink one to take the edge off my anxiety and go the FUCK to sleep like... please.... oh also im 18
  23. Biohazard

    I'm a bit of a mess

    Like the title suggests, I'm a mess. And I'm not doing very well. I've been fighting with my generalized anxiety and depression for 10 years, but was diagnosed 3 years ago. I'm a university student -taking my sweet time but I'm doing it- and I was with a man I was sure I'd marry. I was medicated. I thought I was doing alright. Certainly not great, but I was managing. I would have panic attacks for no apparent reason, I didn't particularly want to get out of bed, but I was still doing relatively okay. I hadn't hurt myself in over 5 years. Side note : I have severe tinnitus. There is a ringing in my ears, 24/7 and I have not habituated even though it has been my constant, aggravating companion for the majority of my life. Essentially, my anxiety and depression makes me want to be alone, but the silence that comes with it drives me insane, because I don't get to have silence. Ever. It's been documented that people have commit suicide from the unbearable ringing. And a lot of days, I totally get it. Back on track. After 5 and a half years, he dumped me. Out of nowhere. To figure out "who he is". His Quarter Life Crisis sent me reeling. I went through most of my teenage years never expecting to let myself live long enough having a future. With him, I had come to want one. We had plans. For our house, our pets, our kids. And it was gone. To add insult to injury, my baby sister and her boyfriend are talking engagement. I lost all my friends eons ago. I have my family, but my sister is self absorbed, my father has no patience for anyone and turns any sort of complaint into a competition for who is suffering more and my mom is under the verge of collapse from stress. They're there, but either not in the capacity that I need, or have so much that I'm unwilling to burden them any more. I'm off my medication. After he dumped me, the misery of withdrawal was nothing. I feel the same off or on it anyways. I don't want to kill myself. I just hope that I won't wake up in the morning. Or that tomorrow I'll be diagnosed with something terminal. I hate myself for thinking that because I know people in those situations that would give anything to live. But I would trade them if I could. Anyways, if you actually read this, I'm thankful that you took the time, and ashamed that I made you waste it on me.
  24. myg-rae-scale

    I feel useless and want to die

    Hello. I am Rae and I have been feeling suicidal for years now. Recently its got quite bad. i can't find a reason to live or even get up in the mornings. i can't finish any of my schoolwork or find motivation to do anything most people find fun to do. Quite honestly I just feel like a cliche and i just want to end this. i don't feel like i can or ever will contribute to my or anyone's life. i've planned to kill myself multiple times in the past week, but each time chickened out last minute. how can i stop this. is my existence even worth it
  25. AlexandraOFG

    I can't find a reason to live

    I can't seem to find a reason to live anymore. Everything is black. I am so scared. I am so scared. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel numb. My life is just shit. I'm so tired. I want it to end. I can't stop crying. I can't calm down. I feel like I'm trapped in this forever. It'll never be okay. I'm so scared. Please help me..
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