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Found 8 results

  1. vhejn

    help plz

    idk if i have bipolar disorder. however, i have taken tests and have talked to people that are bipolar, and they said there is a strong chance. i go from being super energetic and fun, wanting to get everything done. then i go to sleeping and not having any energy to get out of bed. i feel so tired and weak and i can barely think and do literally anything. sometimes i get so bad to where i punch things, i scream so loud, i cry very hard, i scratch all over my body. it seems like im possessed when im like that. its all so confusing, and idk how to cope and how to deal with it. i just need advice and maybe even friends to talk to.
  2. Hi, i’ve been wondering for months now if i’m bipolar and i want some questions answered and i want some advice. i’ve been noticing patterns in my moods for the past year or so and i’ve been previously disagnosed(by previously i mean 2 1/2 years ago) with anxiety and depression. my mental illness began to arise when my parents got a divorce when i was 11 but it didn’t get to the point where i was suicidal and self harming until about 2 years after that. i’d say for about a year a half i was severely depressed and i gained a lot of weight from stress eating. i had breakdowns 3+ times a week and self harming became weekly too. in 7th grade i started therapy and did it until beginning of 8th grade because i felt i was doing better but about 2 months later i started having hallucinations. i was constantly paranoid, it felt like someone/a demon was chasing me on the inside almost every night, whenever i’d try to sleep it felt like fingertips were constantly scratching or touching my body, and shadow figures watched me, followed me, and choked me a few times. i also had nightmares every night and i thought my cats were part of the FBI. i also had a voice in my head that constantly told me to kill myself in this terrifying time and i almost did it because of it. i had a RANDOM breakdown in the shower where i fell during it. it was a terrible time that lasted for about 5-6 months then suddenly stopped. then i did okay for a while and i felt like i was okay despite knowing i’ll never be the same. then 9th grade came and i did okay for the first few months but then soemthing with my dad happened that triggered a depressive episode that lasted for a few months. i starved myself and lost 25 pounds in less than 2 months. then i had a breakup that year in june that caused me to relapse. i barely ate, never slept, and was constantly wallowing in self pity. it was hell. anxiety ate me alive the last few months of the school year and into the summer. then the previous school year came and my anxiety was off the charts. i was constantly shaking and could never think up a slightly positive thought. i lost(she’s not dead) my best friend last september when i was already at rock bottom. i had horrible breakdowns that lasted 3-5 hours each. i had these about every week for a few months. i also relapsed quite a few times. ever since that(and before tbh) id have short periods of time where i was constantly irritable, sometimes(but very rarely) euphoric, and i was explosive towards people. i also constantly rearrange my room during this time, eat a lot or very little, and do everything. i don’t have these too often but i’ve been noticing them a lot more within the past year or less. a few months ago the voice came back for a short period of time and i’m always on edge that it will. i’m always afraid that i will have another one of those episodes again. im currently feeling like my thoughts are like balls in a pinball machine and idk what’s going on. i feel like i’m going insane and for the past two+ weeks i’ve been feeling very fucking sad and i can’t enjoy anything. i just want some answers and advice. therapy isn’t really an option for me right now because i can’t afford it. my mom also refuses to get my prozac dosage upped even though i need it to.
  3. Warning y'all now that this is a long one and PLEASE do not judge me. I am a very suffer in silence kind of gal. I cannot stand talking about my problems, even with the people I love. So, here I am turning to all of you wonderful strangers here on the Internet. And I gotta say, I never thought I'd be doing this. As long as I can remember I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem. Even when I was a little girl. My father, while we speak now, was never around until I was 15 and thus I have always had this deep set feeling of abandonment. Then my mother struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which I'm almost positive I inherited from her, and when I was in high school she had a very bad time with it- and took it all out on me. I think I talked her out of suicide 2-3 times and I lost track of the amount of times she had called me 'a little bitch' in return. I actually didn't realize it until recently, because we get along now, but she emotionally abused the hell out of me. And never even said sorry. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she firmly believes I brought it all on myself even though I was still practically a kid at the time. She kicked me out when I was 17 and I have been living with my grandparents ever since. I met a boy around that time, he is the love of my life and we have been together five years now. We both dropped out of school and we are very hard workers to make up for it. But we are also wildly prone to substance abuse. Thankfully, our work ethic hasn't suffered, but our personal lives have. Over the past five years we have had a lot of fun while also trying to get our lives together and started, though it is obvious now that our partying has turned into a huge problem. I have taken LSD probably about 30, maybe even 40 times now. I'm not exaggerating. Recently, I have gotten into cocaine. I drink heavily. I wouldn't say I am an alcoholic, but I have polished off a bottle of whiskey in two days more times than I care to admit. I can't believe how hard it is to stop doing all that, but it really is. More recently, it was brought to my attention that my boyfriend is in fact an alcoholic- because he cheated on me not once but 3 times with the same girl. Just when I was already feeling down about myself and my life, more than I ever have, this happens. I believe him when he says he was blackout drunk when they fucked but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder just how truthful that is. Doesn't help that the heartbreak hasn't really mended. I do fully believe him when he says he still loves me. I wish you guys could see how much he does. Though now I can't fucking stand myself. I thought my relationship was the one good thing I had going for me in my life right now and even that is fucked up. I'm 21 now and I don't have my license yet. On top of that, I keep talking about how I'm going to go to college because I'm a very creative, compassionate, empathetic person and I want to be a nurse, a social worker, maybe even a journalist or just anything where I can help people. And I realize first I need to figure out how to help myself. My mental health has declined more dramatically than ever in the past few months and I can tell not just because of the complete lack of interest in my hobbies (I love writing and drawing), intense sadness, insomnia, substance abuse and random outbursts of anger but I have also severely isolated my family and my closest friends. I see all these people I went to high school with, traveling, starting their careers, looking good and being happy. And here I am on a website trying to get help from strangers because my life and my body, mentally and physically, is so messed up. I'm at a point now where I'm like- god, what have I done? Who am I? Will it ever get better? You guys have to believe me when I say I'm a good, ambitious person and I truly have tried to make my life better, and find that sense of independence, over the past 4-5 years. I swear, I have. And I wasn't bullshitting when I said I work hard as hell. It's just... my mental health has gotten in the way of almost everything. It's so scary. Especially because I didn't even realize that until very recently. I don't have health insurance and I live in America. So I can't see a therapist. I have bad memories of seeing therapists when I was a child so I don't know if that would help anyway. I feel like I am trapped in a dark room of closed, locked doors and I lost my key to one of them a long time ago. Now I'm stuck in my own life that has no meaning. I have never felt so lonely and hated myself more than I do now. I just don't know what to do. This is me admitting that I need help. So can someone please just... point me in the right direction?
  4. I dont really know how to communicate. I like to pretend like I know what the normal protocol is, but that's all it is- pretending. So I'm just gonna start rambling about whats on my mind. no one needs to listen- no one needs to care. I just like the idea of talking- even if its into a void. anyways, how to begin... how about like this? I don't go out ever. I don't really know how to. I'm 22 years old and I've spent virtually all of it hiding wherever I can to avoid people. Im not entirely sure why- I rather like most peoples company. But I also feel excluded- sorta like a drifter. I don't really have any friends- aside from a small handful. I don't really have any talents either. I'm apparently disabled- working memory and audio processing in the 12th percentile. So I wasn't even allowed to do normal high school courses. Due to the lack of a high school education, and profoundly poor language use skills, most people think im a retard. However, I did a bunch of correspondence courses and now attend uoft with a 4.0 GPA. To be blunt tho, its still not very good. I only do 3 half course equivalents (since accessibility wont let me do more due to the working memory problem), so I don't know if it really counts- and ive had a lot of extensions due to various suicide attempts and visits to the psych ward. Plus, I don't consider any of my courses terribly impressive- its just intro to computer programming (not computer science- but programming), modern symbolic logic (a bird course if you have half a fucking brain), intro to cognitive science, and intro to linguistics (again, a bird course). I would really love to do some hard classes that are really impressive- but to do anything worthwhile, I need calculus- and to get calculus, I still have to get my high school math credits. and don't even get me started on how science illiterate I am. I have a deep theoretical understanding of evolution- but a working knowledge of chemistry and anatomy that's no better than a grade 8 student. I am deeply ashamed of this fact, but find it very hard to focus on any of this. Its not that I don't care about he world around me- I do. and Ive read countless books and academic articles on very specific, niche topics. but I have very little interest in most of the specifics about the world around me. and even less interest in politics. I don't even have an interest in math. I just like the idea of being really good at something ppl find hard. I should mention that I got a 90 in computer programming and so far about a 92 in logic (I got 97 in my first first logic midterm but fucked up the second and got 86). I should also mention that I am very vain and if anyone tells me that's a god mark, I will lose my temper and tell them to fuck off. I don't fucking care what you "think" is a good mark- I care what actually is a good fucking mark- a graduate school level good mark. The kinda mark you cant get just by studying hard- but by actually having talent. I should also mention that a lot of people hate me probably for this reason. Sorry if that rant was insensitive to you. truth be told, I don't actually know what its like put in the effort and not yield the reward. in fact, I'm starting to believe that my courses are too easy- that if you put in the effort, you will always yield the reward. and anyone who fails to get a mark equivalent to mine is just a fucking lazy idiot who deserves none of my sympathy. Yes, I am not a nice person- its something I'm trying to work on. Its also made it harder for me to tolerate people who come to these forums to complain about how ugly or unsuccessful they are. Its hard for me to think of anything other than that they aren't trying hard enough to make themselves happy. I mean, for each person here that thinks they are a loser, i probably consider you to be more successful than at least one person who actually does think they are "successful". I mean, most people can sleep at night with a shitty job and a shitty degree from York with shitty marks, and a shitty spouse that's not very attractive or successful themselves. Well, that's my rant.
  5. I understand that a definite diagnosis can't be provided in this environment. I just need help or advice or something. Here goes: Recently I've been experiencing some dramatic mood swings, feelings of hopelessness, guilt(IMHO both rational and irrational), loss of interest in things that I would normally enjoy, like painting/drawing, loss of interest in sex, lack of concern for personal hygiene(I shower maybe once every 1-2 wks, wear dirty clothes, don't always brush my teeth). I'm a smoker and I want to quit, but I can never stop myself from buying cigarettes or sneaking around to have a smoke(I understand that's probably because I'm addicted, but thought it may be relevant). Though I have very low sex drive, I am watching porn and masturbating most days, sometimes multiple times. Both the smoking and the porn I keep secret from my wife, which leads to more guilt and feelings of worthlessness. I feel like I have little control over my actions. It almost feels like there are two versions of me; the more rational version of myself constantly cleaning up or bearing the consequences of things the "other me" does or says. I do experience periods of what I might call mania, basically days or periods where I feel like I'm just winning at life and everything I do is wonderful. During these times it's very easy for me to get irritated with other people, including my wife and children, causing me to fall into a deep state of sadness/anger that I can't shake. This is beginning to cause issues with my job(leaving early and missing work, not following procedure because everything feels pointless) and at home(my wife and I fight WAY WAY more than we ever used to-- most weekends recently we don't talk because we've had a fight). I have also very recently begun to have brief thoughts of suicide, not really so much of actually doing it but more of entertaining the idea and thinking things would be better if I were dead. When these thoughts occur I dismiss them pretty quickly, but it's happening more often now and I'm scared I do something stupid before really thinking about it/ More often I have regrets about getting married and having children, sometimes because I feel limited by them but also so that I don't cause them harm due to being a crazy person. One of my main issues is the belief that if I am in fact Bipolar II, I will have to choose between dealing with the disorder and being a burden on my loved ones or seeking treatment but being doped-up for the rest of my life. Neither seems like a valid solution to me, and that's when the feelings that maybe it's better if I just didn't exist. Any advice is welcome.
  6. I suffer with Bipolar type two, so the highs are less frequent. I always thought that I was unlucky for this, but now I am experiencing one of the most intense highs I've ever been on and because I hardly ever have them I don't know how to handle it! I hate myself, I'm doing and saying reckless things which hurt people, I'm hallucinating, hearing things, becoming severely delusional... I don't know what to do, please someone help? I've ended up spending my pitiful wages and some of my savings in two days. I'm scared I'm going to do something that will drastically hurt those around me and leave me picking up the pieces when I inevitably crash. I feel like I'm going to do something that will ruin my life...
  7. Hi. My name is Ashley. I have BiPolar and Anxiety disorder, all stemming from chronic depression. Recently I did a really stupid thing. I hurt my boyfriend. I was jealous and I just lost it. I threw a crystal ball and glass at him, leading to his head to split. He got three staples. No skull damage but still, it was bad enough. I don't know why I did it. I tried to stop myself but it was like another person controlling my body. Now I've royally screwed up. I love him so much but I let my mental issues get in the way. I've never done anything like that before. I just lost it completely. I'm not on here for sympathy. Nor to cry myself into attention. I did the wrong thing. I know I did. I deserve to be taken away but he never pressed charges and he still loves me, though he's deciding if he wants to continue the relationship. Either way, I did something so monsterous therefore I don't deserve sympathy. What I would like is some advice though. Advice on what to do. Advice on some little tricks I can do to help myself. I'm already medicated and seeing a psychologist but I guess I want some chat and advice from others who are in my position.
  8. HI my name is myka and I am 16 years old I just poured out alot of what I needed to say and it took my like 2 hours but my internet crashed so I need to just do a quick list of what I need help with I hope I put this in the right category I just didn't feel like it fit into any specific one. -Major depression -Due to being extremely mentally and emotionally bullied by my peers, and mom. People who don't even know me made a facebook page called "The freak of ida baker (my school) where people would upload pictures of me they took behind my back and talk horrible thing about me. I have even heard school staff talk about me when they didn't know I could hear them. and excessive guilt and hating myself My mom calls me stupid, lazy, retarded, and said that no one will ever love me. And she wont stop comparing me to other people it makes me feel so worthless. -Suicidal thoughts -I even almost went through with it once the only thing that held my back was the guilt of knowing that at least one person would be hurt. I have had two friends commit suicide and my school has seen 3 suicides in two weeks so I have seen the effects of it. -Self Harming -Social anxiety -I need to have major distractions to keep me from having anxiety attacks sometimes I even go to extreme lengths as to digging my nails into my skin so It doesn't turn into a panic attack. -Paranoia -Even with the slightest whisper or laughter i have to listen to it to make sure it's not about me. At it's worst I see and hear things that aren't there and I know they aren't but it's taking over my life. -Anorexia -For the past 3 weeks I've had anorexia and I hate myself for it. I'm 5'5 and 117 lbs but all i see when I look in the mirror is fat. I feel so guilty when I eat and my mom even called me fat yesterday. I have even stole some of her diet pills to do whatever I can to loose weight. -Lgbt -I like girls. My close friends know but my family and most of my community are extremely homophobic and I'm terrified of them finding out, they would kick me out and i'd never be able to see them again -Self-harming - sometimes I do it to check to see if i'm alive and not trapped in hell and other times it's to punish myself for thinking the way I do and having all of these issues -Very minor kleptomania -Bipolar -I hate this I lash out on people and I feel so extremely guilty for upsetting them which make me hate myself even more. -Imsomnia -I typically get 2 hours or less of sleep a night And I can't get help, I have built my protective walls around me way to high and no matter how much I want help from people and to talk to them I just CAN'T! PLease help me it's taking over my entire life. I'm almost having an anxiety attack simply from posting this, I have never talked to anyone about any of this so please dont judge me.
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