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Found 10 results

  1. So many people want to give advice. Most of it is worthless. When i was growing up, with all my emotional problems, why didn’t anyone give me good advice? They could have; now that i’m middle-aged i can see the ways. I see myself, aged 18: skinny, awkward, shy. Kid who had been bullied in school from age 10, and battered at home from age 6. Taught by my peers to be ashamed of myself and suspicious of anyone my own age. I needed to learn how to fake it. I needed to learn how to look normal, act normal. Because you have to be normal, and people have to like you. And Lord knows, people sure like to give advice: not because they want to help you; but only because they want to shoot their mouths off, and feel like experts. But it was never the advice i needed. No one told me, “this is how you have to stand and walk, so that you’ll look like an alpha male, the only man that people respect.” No one said, “this is the tone of voice to use, so that you’ll sound confident.” Where was the person who would teach me how to play baseball or basketball, how to dance and start a conversation, how to make friends? No one told me that i could ask for help on the job; that i didn’t need to be ashamed of my ignorance. There always were people who were happy to blow generalities and abstractions at me: “be positive!” “be strong!” “be CONFIDENT.” (Damn, i’ve grown to despise that word “confident.”) No one broke it down to specific lessons. Lessons that TOLD me what i was doing wrong. Shit, no one even taught me how to SMILE; it wasn’t until i was 42 that i realized, “hey wait a minute, my face doesn’t make a smile!” And it wasn’t until i was 50 that i realized, “wait a minute — if i tighten the muscles in my mouth this certain way, this way that feels like this in my cheekbones, then, on that face in the mirror there, i’ll see what people call “a smile.” It’ll be a fake smile, but at least it’ll be there. I went 50 years of my life without anybody even teaching me how to smile. Not even that one small thing. In the rare moments in the past, when i tried to explain this to people, you can bet that they had all the answers: “well of COURSE you have to get along with people!” “of COURSE you have to smile!” “of COURSE nobody taught you; nobody teaches anybody!” So that’s it. The winners were born with their skills. Or, more likely, they really were taught; by parents, older brothers, sisters. That gave them the basics. And from there, they had the gold-plated privilege of falling ass-backward into success. Influential friends; good jobs; dates and sex; parties full of cool people. And everybody acts like it’s so easy to get all that: “all you have to do, is BE YOURSELF!” What horseshit; i was myself, and people didn’t respect it. Now i look back on a life of failure; years of mistakes and self-defeat that i did because nobody ever told me the right way to do it. And because of all that self-defeating behavior, of course, i have even more to be ashamed of. I’m sick of people trying to give advice to me. Because i now know what i advice i needed, and i know that they could have told me. They could give me that advice even now, but they never do. I’m fighting a dozen character defects, all at the same time, always fighting alone. So i keep stumbling along, screwing up, defeating myself. Thanks for reading this post.
  2. Ever notice how, when you complain about abusive adults or bullies in your past, people always want to speak up for the abuser or bully? It usually goes like this: you complain about someone at work/school/social event who pushed you around (usually verbally, by shaming you, but sometimes it's even physical intimidation), and you're hoping that your listener(s) will sympathize with you and express solidarity with you. But instead, you get crap like, "Oh, try to understand his feelings; he probably had a bad day." "Don't be so hard on her; she probably just has low self-esteem." "Well, he must have a difficult home life, and that's why he acts that way." WHAT?? WHAT??? WHAT THE HELL???? They're actually TAKING THE ABUSER'S SIDE; NOT YOURS. I see it in journalism all the time, hear it in conversation all the time. WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON, JERK? I've even heard therapists do this. It would be bad enough if they did this for everyone, but do they ever do it FOR YOU? "Oh, try to understand his passiveness; he probably never learned how to stand up for himself." "Don't be so hard on her; she's awkward and shy because people shamed her in the past." "Well, just because he's the target of shaming and intimidation, doesn't make him a loser." Oh no no no; they don't take YOUR side and apologize for YOU; they silently judge you. "Loser." "Wuss." "Wimp." "Chump." Maybe they don't even do it silently. I don't believe for a minute that "their intentions are good, even though they say the wrong thing." No, it's an ingrained habit of sucking up to the abuser because they admire the abuser's power (at least subconsciously) and feel uncomfortable around vulnerability. What's the problem, jerks? You think vulnerability is some kind of virus you might catch from us? I know perfectly well i'm not going to change any minds or behaviors with this post. The people who need to hear this aren't reading this Forum. But for us who have been wounded, sometimes it helps if we can at least name the problem and shake our fists at it. So, for the record: when i complain about abusive assholes, don't respond by making excuses for them. For once, please show me that you're on MY side instead of THEIR side.
  3. My mother is probably one of the most hypocritical person I have ever met in my life. I was rejected by my mother since the day I was born mainly because of the reason that she did not feel any love or attachment towards me and that would possibly be due to the reason of the matter of the fact that she got an arranged marriage that was absolutely loveless. The weakness in her resolve further deteriorated her character to an abysmal level. She belonged to a religious conservative family background as the daughter of a farmer who was also a holy man who had quite a significant number of adherents or followers who worshiped him like God. Imagine how much pressure it would bring on a liberal person of my stature when you are in the position of being a grandson to a holy man being worshiped by a whole jurisdiction or region of people belonging to different tribes and groups. I remember the first time when I was a child and a follower kneeled into prostration in front of me and I got really confused and I asked my mother that you always told me that only God deserves to be worshiped in this way and only he should be kneeled upon, then why is he doing this to me? Does he think that I am God? My mother’s answer was that they think that we are God’s ambassadors on the planet and due to being born in a specific tribe we become high born and gain royal blood which puts us in a position of huge responsibility of taking care of our kingdom. This made absolutely no sense to me as I believed and was taught by my religion that all men are created equal and no white has precedence over black and no local has precedence over a foreigner. The original version of our religion taught us that people of all religions and cultures are supposed to be respected. The Christians and Jews can be our friends and they will not go to hell just because they are not Muslims; they will go to heaven and they will be judged just like we would and their respective Prophets will act as their ambassadors on the Day of Judgment. It is written in the Quran as well; God says that if it were up to me I would have created all humankind with same faith but I deliberately created this diversity as a test so that we learn how to respect and overcome our differences and honestly join together through our similarities to live in peace and harmony with each other. That’s why in our religion interfaith and interracial marriages are encouraged to promote this level of diversity. It would absolutely be self contradictory for a religion to state that other religions or races or colors or creeds should be isolated but at the same time be allowed as well. Unfortunately there are some factions in our religion that think otherwise even though there is quite an overwhelming level of evidence or proof to suggest the contrary. But again they are a few and majority still believes that it is just fine. However the rest of the world is bent on vilifying us for a religion that is vastly misunderstood not by the foreigners only but also by the Muslims themselves. People don’t understand when I tell them that when Quran has a verse saying "Kill all the outsiders who have wronged you" it was only applicable to the people 1400 years in the past when they were in the middle of a war for their survival from the Quraish tribe that was trying to kill them for their Islamic beliefs and not for all time up till the day of judgment. The verse as usual has been taken out of context and misinterpreted to defame a peaceful religion. Anyway my ultimate question to my mother was very simple; how can a man who doesn’t even know about his own future and can’t even predict about his own fate on the day of judgment would be able to save these people and offer them retribution or salvation? My mother could not satisfactorily answer this question because she knew that this whole phenomenon of "Holiness" was just a cultural travesty and had nothing to do with religion in the first place to begin with anyway. But due to this level of unawareness my mother was brainwashed into following a hypocritical system of retroactive conformity of a class system designed to subjugate the illiterate people and manipulating them into believing in something that was not the truth to create a culture of subservience towards the power and influence of the ruling classes which would keep them in their place and vulnerable to follow rules that would keep them functioning in the lower order so that the masters keep their agricultural lands and their production in accordance with government tyranny and corporate imperialism. Obviously my mother began to realize that as a woman her position might actually be quite secondary and at the end of the day her brothers will get majority of the benefits. That includes the inheritance of land as well which is also a cultural thing. My mother after conforming towards the hypocritical fundamentalism of her traditional family still got betrayed by her own father which then resulted in developing a high level of insecurity in her personality and behavior. Although she was educated but due to limited vacancy she didn’t get a job and now was stuck in raising a family which she didn’t want to. She wanted to belong in the social circle of her relatives and she tried her level best to impress them and be hospitable to their needs and follow the standards of traditional living but none of that was good enough for her super rich extended family who always put her down for absolutely no reason until she just lost her mind. In that frustration and irritation she took her fear and hate out on me in the most negative manner possible. In order to make matters worse she decided to find refuge in religion which further manipulated her inferiority complex and low self-esteem and used it as a weapon to make her think and do whatever the organization wanted her to think and do. Islamic guilt has a way of making you feel like a sinner 24 hours a day just like many other religions. They turn you into their puppets by making you go through a stage wise process of Kubler Ross and David Kessler Model of grief which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Majority of the traditional housewives that turn towards the asylum of religion are suffering from grief, but the major difference is that they are not transformed into zombie robots that are devoid of critical thinking and human emotion or are made to follow the laws and rules of suppression or submission or obedience or oppression. That put me in her sniper sights and she found me as a perfect suitable escape goat for her life’s problems and troubles and used me as a punching bag to take out her nihilism, pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and all her negativity. She became a rageaholic maniac determined to make my life a living hell because her husband treated her like a piece of garbage and religion blamed her for it. She was a classic case textbook manual orthodox run-of-the-mill example of a spoiled rich pampered girl suffering from biochemical instability and hormonal imbalance. A relationship is based on trust, respect, loyalty, justice, empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness and when your own mother doesn’t even fulfill one factor then you’re fate has obviously dealt you a tough hand. I became a victim of mental and physical abuse by my mother as well. The issue that really hurt me was her weakness in acknowledging the truth or fact of the situation and her inability to be loyal and just while being trustworthy and reliable. She was being unfair and didn’t even realize it. In order to make matters worse she started lying about everything in order to save her reputation. In order to save her reputation she would lie about me not only to my family members but also to my relatives negotiating her honor and dignity. This behavior made her lose her trust and respect but she was willing to surrender her ethics and morals. It is part of our righteous piety that we are not at liberty to divulge sensitive or private levels of information about our own family members to anybody including members of the extended family as well. My mother would say or do anything to her own family members in order to save her reputation which goes to show how much pride has led her astray and towards the depths of hypocrisy. She would gladly throw me to the wolves by blaming me for whatever problems or troubles happened to me in my life but also blame me for everything wrong that happened in the lives of my whole family including her if she is put in a tight spot which is absolutely irreversible and unacceptable. Let me give you an example on how much vindictive my mother could become. When I was a kid I used to have trouble breathing due to a diverging nose that had a middle bone that was so deformed that it blocked my left nostril and I wasn’t able to inhale proper amounts of air to get oxygen and it used to be a problem and on top of that my nose is very small in fact I probably have the smallest nostrils in the world which obviously wasn’t helping the problem as well but making it a little worse. I was having trouble sleeping and used to snore very loudly and then had an accumulation of nasal fluid that used to infect my sinuses while also causing things like sleep apnea. All of these situations resulted in my nostril tissues, nasal passages, airways, sinuses, throat, tonsils, esophagus, lungs and my whole respiratory system getting negatively infected. I was obviously diagnosed with DNS (Deviated Nasal Septum) and surgery was recommended immediately when the situation became more serious as my nose had grown to almost its full length as I was 16 years old. The treatment of surgery was only the most logical approach recommended by the doctor or specialist but my mother just refused to admit that I would actually be suffering from something genuine and she blamed me for being sensitive to my respiratory disease. I had to fight for my right of being taken seriously and treated as quickly as possible before something else happened but my whole family didn’t want to listen. Ultimately I had to use my father’s rank and had to go to the naval hospital myself alone to get my surgery done so I took the bicycle and admitted myself without telling my parents. After I woke up from the surgery I informed my father that I had gotten he surgery done and I am going to be returning after a few days. Upon returning home and still bleeding from my nose I was going into my bedroom and I saw my mother in the lounge totally offended and removed from the intensity or potency of the situation. Her words were absolutely one of the most painful and hurtful words I would ever hear in my whole lifetime. She said and I quote "You would always be a pain in my neck". I would never forget these words as they are one of the most heartless, thoughtless, uncompassionate, inconsiderate, unkind and selfish words a mother could ever tell her child after he has gone through so much pain already and in which he had no fault of his own and he never inconvenienced her in the slightest and did everything himself even then she could not say one word of support. What kind of a mother is she that just doesn’t give a damn? But who am I kidding right; she never gave a damn about me since the day I was born in the first place to begin with anyway. This incident was just to give you a small idea of what she could actually do if things were not going her way. My mother actually has a much worse habit of manipulating her family members into making them fight amongst themselves by portraying herself as the victim and then using the ignorance of the family member to turn against his own flesh and blood. This kind of devious activity would probably put even the devil to shame. Once she went to such an extent that she made all four members of my family including me fight amongst each other for a very trivial issue that had nothing to do with anything. My mother plays the innocent victim or the damsel in distress routine better than anybody I have ever known because that is the ultimate forte of the women in my region and it is known as deception. In order to formulate her lust and greed for power and influence and keep herself relevant inside the family she would say or do anything to keep the relationships among the family members unstable so that she can keep on reaping the benefits. My family members can’t process multiple relationships so they stick to their most favorite ones and this weakness is then exploited by my mother who plays on their insecurities and turns them against each other so that she can still remain important. She will indulge herself in this devious game and turn father against son and sister against brother and that’s how she will get her way with us. How do I influence her in a positive manner that our relationship could be improved?
  4. I want to formally introduce myself. I am 28 years old and I have done a B.E. 4 year degree program in Electrical Engineering and an M.E. 2 year degree program in Electrical Engineering from a prestigious institution in my country. I started my profession immediately after my post graduation and so far have 4 years of experience working in different leading enterprises, incorporatives, companies and organizations. I have worked in 8 organizations and I am faced with a unique dilemma as this has never happened before and should have at least not have happened to me. Having an I.Q. of 140 according to Mensa International, I began to utilize my intelligence according to much higher levels of philosophical, ideological, sociological and theological perspectives of existence trying to keep a stable balance of a foundational equilibrium between Optimism, Idealism, Rationalism and Existentialism. After integrating myself with genuine intellectuality and original sophistication I decided to upgrade my mental and physical abilities with personality and behavior in order to improve myself. I wanted to improve my education, qualification, sophistication and facilitation along with my skills, abilities, talents and potentials. I believe that in order to become an integral member of society that puts a positive impact on the world or the path towards goodness is achievable by understanding and learning the difference between good and evil or right or wrong and using that knowledge or information to formulate your morality by which you can build your empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness in an unbiased fashion that is not dependant on a desire or a wish for a reward or recognition or respect or retribution or even redemption. I am a multidimensional allrounder with multiple personality positive types and traits. I have got open mindedness to experience; I am very conscientious, extraverted, showing high tendency of agreeableness, with humility, balanced self esteem, balanced tendency to get perfectionism and I utilize all forms of learning styles like synthesis analysis, methodical study, fact retention and elaborative processing. I also have a fairly balanced personality in regards with sensation, intuition, thought, feeling, emotion, warmth, reasoning, liveliness, consciousness, conscientiousness, social boldness, sensitivity, and vigilance. I am a Type A personality with all four temperaments like Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic joined together in a multifarious network that projects my behavior in different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that display my identity in a unique or different manner in specific kind of situations, but majority of the time I make an effort or take an initiative to synchronize with my surrounding environment without negotiating the foundational structure of my moral integrity. I try to practice the seven virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. I make an effort and take initiative in integrating and assimilating myself with positive emotions like affection, confidence, contentment, courage, curiosity, desire, empathy, gratitude, happiness, hope, interest, joy, love, passion, trust and wonder. I am living among people who have a narrow perspective of life. I believe you should not underestimate other people and not judge others lest you be judged yourself. I didn’t get time to indulge myself in the finer things in life because I was too busy working hard in progressing and evolving into a more knowledgeable person who understands the difference between good and evil and right and wrong and uses empathy and altruism as well as compassion and kindness to make this world a better place. I wasn’t allowed to watch television or film or use computer or internet in my student days and I have never had fun in my life. I have worked in 8 organizations out of which 2 were of international level. I am writing Doctoral thesis and post-doctoral research papers for Engineers, Doctors, Scientists, Technologists, Physicists, Mathematicians, Chemists and Biologists. I am the founder of my "Martial Arts Institution And Organization". I invented the first Robot Doctor on artificial intelligence that works better than a human doctor in diagnosing minor diseases and illnesses, I am the founder of my own rock band, worked in radio as a DJ and RJ, wrote an encyclopedia book on Martial Arts. I have 8 black belts in different styles of martial arts like Kung fu, Taekwondo, Aikido, Jujutsu, Karate, Ninjutsu, Savate and Muay Thai Kick Boxing, I am 7 times national champion in Gymnastics and 9 times national champion in Kung fu, 2 times national selector and 2 times national judge, I have written my first rock album and my first rap album and I am also a maker of documentaries and films so what I am trying to say is that I didn’t make all of these achievements while sitting in my room as some arrogantly ignorant and obliviously naïve people think. In order to become a genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individual, I had to study really firm and had to work very hard to read thousands of books on a multidimensional allrounder level on a diverse variety of all academic disciplines ranging between arts, humanities, social sciences, pure sciences, natural sciences and applied sciences to understand how this world really works. I believe that in order to formulate new ideas you have to join the old ones together in a fusion hybrid to gain broader perspective. I believe that in order to invent new things you have to indulge yourself in innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design. This is how I live my life and I am very successful in it. Remember success is not measured by the amount of money that we have accumulated but by the amount of contribution that we have made to society by helping our fellow man. I have done plenty with the grace of God. That’s why I am affiliated with 8 NGOs. I know that I have worked very hard in my life studying and working 16 to 18 hours a day and after being an educated, qualified, sophisticated, facilitated individual with high level of skills, abilities, talents, potentials, wisdom and intelligence and massive stages of knowledge and information from all fields and departments of academic disciplines, I faced a lot of setbacks and things may not have appeared to work out for me at this period of time but the game is not over until it’s over right? But people just don’t stop being idiots and don’t learn how to admit their mistake and apologize for it or grow up or wake up. Unfortunately my family and my relatives do not appreciate my efforts and initiatives because they like to have a good time making fun of me and also because they want to live in their pornographic fantasy that they are the only ones who are working hard while the rest of the people are just busy violating their fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. I guess haters are always going to hate no matter what you do. I like to indulge myself with innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design, but unfortunately I have limited options available over here. Let me tell you what the culture of my country is. I belong to a conservative country whose dominant religion is Islam. Now before I say anything else I don’t want anybody to stereotypically label me. There are 50 Muslim countries in the world with 1.8 billion Muslim followers and all of them are not like the way I described them; I am only talking about the people in my surrounding environment regardless of their religion, race, color or creed, but mentioning this information was a necessary application. The reason that I mentioned this truth or fact was that I want to explain how religious extremism can victimize you. I belonged to a religious conservative preacher saint family who raised me up like an altar boy. I was taught the foundations of my religion. The five pillars of Islam, Faith, Prayer, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage. I did all of them like a devout Muslim following the Quran, Tafseer, Tushreeh, Hadith, Sunnah, Seerah, Fiqah; all the laws and principles, all the verses from the scripture , the guidelines, the Fatwas, Philosophy, Ideology, Sociology, Theology, and even exegesis of religion; I am an unofficial student of comparative religion so I have studied other faiths as well including all major religions from Islam to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism, Taoism And all other major religions as well. I integrated fully with my religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum and system. I was trained like a gentleman from the Victorian era Renaissance period. I followed every instruction or protocol down to the last letter. I was an exemplary Muslim and then I started getting victimized by the new wave of modernism in my society, and when I began to became less conservative and more liberal of my own free will even that was not enough because then my country started going through another level of hypocrisy and a new wave of extremist islamization started infecting my country like an epidemic or pandemic. It spread like a disease or illness that had no bounds and I was then victimized because of my liberal views. I used to have a beard and I wore a traditional dress taking care of my decency and protected myself from all kinds of vices and sins. My friends used to say that this boy is so pious and saintly that angels perform ablution from his sweat. But then things changed and I was known as a loser who is a eunuch or a hermaphrodite who doesn’t know the ways of modern living. I was part of a peaceful organization dedicated to spread the message of Islam; the moderate or balanced version of it at least, it was obviously a preaching organization and I was its most forward member but then I began to notice signs of extremism and that created a problem. I was born Muslim but I did not just take Islam as my heritage dictated I embraced it of my own free will. Islam is a wonderful religion if you know the right version of it. The females in our jurisdiction are programmed in the same way. Males are portrayed as potential rapists or like dogs waiting to pounce on them. A female is led to believe that males have no natural theory of selection meaning they do not have any standards and they have zero options so they would go for any female since every female is the most beautiful gorgeous hot and sexy girl in the whole world for all time so even a 95 year old woman who has decayed into a skeleton would flatter herself like that and would actually have an army of her family and relatives protecting her more than a high profile target like the British Queen because obviously every man dreams of raping a 95 year old woman right? Even when she is going to the hospital for a routine medical health analysis. But the most ironic part of this situation is that the massive level of confusion and conformity that is plaguing our nation includes people with diversity and versatility in such a way that one female cousin of mine would stay 20 feet away from me because I am a male while the other would get upset with me if I don’t kiss her in front of 20 males. Yeah, try to figure that one out. A female is taught to believe that if she speaks to any male other than her father, brother, husband or son God would strike her with lightning and she would burst into flames. I was taught that if I even looked at a female I was going to be vaporized with lightning speed. Even thinking about females was considered a sin. I liked girls from a young age and I always wanted to get married and have a family. Who doesn’t, which brings us to the issue of marriage. Before I tell you my story further, let me tell you how the system of marriage works in my country. It is obviously none other than the system of arranged marriage integrated down to its roots in any patriarchal society. The definition of arranged marriage according to my ideological philosophy is a hypocritical mechanism of a prostitution industry integrated and assimilated by the shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of financial situations and reproductive organs. Initially the system wasn’t so bad because it was based on morality and the priorities were straight, selections were made according to suitability, a boy or a girl or a man or a woman were selected according to personality and behavior rather than wealth or title. It was a great facility that was useful to the people who are not able to find a suitable spouse on their own. Now this system has been corrupted as well and the lust and greed for power and influence has destroyed the foundations of this great institution. If you even remotely have the luxury to think that you have got a fair opportunity of having the right to have an idea of a few standards and options in getting a suitable worthy marriage partner or even sending a proposal to a potential spouse in my country; you need to know that it has become more difficult than getting into NASA. Trust me I was looking at the requirements for the organization and I am eligible for it but you would be surprised that even a person like me with a great resume is getting trouble finding a wife. Marriage is now getting out of the range of all the people in the vicinity of the middle classes every second of everyday due to the misbalance in the salary and inflation with the demand and supply of a female’s ever raising expensive and luxurious tastes and her selfishness and materialism. First the only way you can get married in my country is through arranged marriage most of the time; that is where you can send or receive the best proposals; after that you’re options keep on getting lesser and with the passage of time goes down to zero. Your whole life could get destroyed just because you breathed in the wrong manner. Arranged marriages are now done in my country according to fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power and influence. For example a female does not want a man she wants a god. She would want him to have a huge set of muscles and he should be as pretty as a Hollywood actor otherwise you don’t stand a chance. Majority of the times the rich guys always win and take away the prettiest ones and then the rest are left for the lower classes. Yes, our society runs on class systems and status quos. Rank, position, standing, grade, category, group, type, order, level or stage they are all taken into measurement according to a design algorithm or a mathematical formula. Along with that religion, race, color, creed, faction, family, district, town, province, state, city, sector even neighborhood affects your variables in the statistical probability of your selection process. I am an eligible bachelor but I was rejected just because my sister got divorced; imagine that. That’s right; if any sibling inside your family gets divorced the rest of the members will not get a fair opportunity to send or receive proposals, it is an immediate disqualification. Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one. I know! If there is a hell on the face of this entire planet, it is this place. It is absolutely unfair and unjust, but that’s how a hypocritical society works. If you want to send a good proposal to a good family, you need to have at least a 90 by 90 square feet plot on which you should build a 16 bedroom mansion, with a front lawn and a back yard, 2 vehicles like a sporty and a luxury one, 8 servants and 480000 bucks per month salary. In a poor country like mine where thousands of people are dying due to starvation and living on less than a dollar a day, that is quite a luxurious demand of a female spouse from her male provider especially at the age of 24 when he has just post graduated from university. Nobody in the whole world can fulfill this demand on his own unless he is the son of a rich tycoon which proves my earlier points. What does the girl do? Nothing. Females in my country are used only as pleasure machines and off spring producing industrial factories. The faith and belief of a girl revolves around money and penis; in fact she measures the size of your penis according to the size of your bank account. She only respects 2 types of men; one whose money their under and the other whose penis their under. You have to wear a Ralph Lauren and come out of a Ferrari to be taken seriously in the higher classes and that’s where I have been all my life, now trying to fit in there is getting absolutely impossible and I can’t go anywhere else because I would not be welcome or would not even fit in because of the limitation in the mindset of their traditional circle. They only bring in people of their own kind and my kind is already quite different. Majority of the females in my part of town just eat, drink, sleep, excrete, have sex, make babies and do shopping. They treat you impolitely and furiously all the time and they behave horribly and terribly if things are not going according to their will. I always take great care of my mental and physical health and fitness, but it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day people are still going to judge you on your natural weight and height on which you have no control. That is what I don’t understand that why in this modern day and age we are still so shallow and superficial that we judge people on their physical appearances or on any factor that you don’t even have any control over. I didn’t have any control over my sister’s relationship and neither did she yet I got punished for it. Now people have a problem with my anatomical mechanics. I have got an impressive sport record even then people think that I am weak because I have an athletic figure which is lesser than the ideal figure of WWE Wrestlers like Dwayne Johnson. Unfortunately I don’t want to become Dwayne Johnson so my natural theory of selection becomes unacceptable. Girls in my world have been brainwashed by all kinds of international media who dictates how beauty should look like but even though genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individuals know that beauty is a matter of relative perspective they still fall back into the same primitive patterns of finding suitable mates according to weight and height as their ancestors did thousands of years ago. My weight and height is medium and that is supposed to be ideal according to the field of medicine but it’s just not good enough for females in my jurisdiction of the world. If you look at the history of beauty, the perspectives have modified themselves on different shades and angles. 10000 years ago the concept of beauty was totally different from what we have now; a male was thought to be handsome if he had sensitive features and an athletic figure and men of larger sizes were considered unattractive and repulsive. If you need some evidence you can look at the art work from even the renaissance period and you would be able to see like as in the paintings of David and Goliath. David was made to look beautiful by his sensitive features and his athletic figure where as Goliath was made to look unattractive by showing him as a huge hulk type figure with more broader and sharper jaw line features. If you look at the famous statue of The David designed by Michelangelo you would notice that he also has an athletic figure. I in fact look just like the statue but unfortunately what was considered a sign of beauty is now unacceptable in this day and age. I guess I just ended up in the wrong timeline. Point is that there is no specific formula for measuring beauty. Scientists have tried to measure it by putting a theorem on the facial anatomy and giving it a value of 1.618. 1.618 is known as Phi (and also as the Golden Ratio, Golden Mean, Golden Section and Divine Proportion) and its mathematical cousin, the Fibonacci sequence. Things get even more complicated when you start facing problems with your job, career, business and trade. Point is I make lots of money but it is just not that good enough for my type of people. Females in my group practice what is called hypergamy which is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. This puts my situation in trouble obviously. On top of that my proposals usually get rejected because the statistical probability of the future prospects of my job do not achieve an acceptable value meaning that I am being targeted for something that might have a logical basis but has no moral value. How can we predict what going to happen in the next 20 years when we don’t even know what is going to happen in the next 20 seconds. I thought a perfect relationship could be achieved by the mental and physical compatibility that synchronizes with each other’s personality and behavior at a simultaneous quantum or period of time and space. It is not a high standard but quite a simple one in which you just have to be yourself. I am not saying that money is not important but there should be a balance between your analytical and emotional paradigms and between your robotics and humanity. I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen everywhere because then we would all be in trouble. I have worked and done business with foreigners and I have talked with them and asked them lots of questions in regards with dating and marriage and they tell me a few similar things from my part of town but not so messed up as my situation. From what I have been told you don’t need to make an appointment with the security council to issue a written permission to pass a bill in the senate to offer an opportunity to interact with a member of an opposite sex. In order to talk to a girl you don’t have to plead with the father for permission. You can approach a girl and just say "What’s Up" and that would be just fine as she would not shoot you in the head. You don’t need to fulfill the 12 tasks of Hercules before getting a date with a nice girl. I always imagined and dreamed myself of one day being a groom and seeing my bride walk down the path towards me, making my parents proud and becoming an acceptable and respectable member of my society. Giving my parents grandsons and forwarding my legacy, but I guess that is not going to happen. I have been stereotypically labeled as a failed person who has inadequate masculinity and does not deserve any happiness or peace in his life. The only thing left for me now is a slow and painful death; a life of despair and loneliness. I have become a subject of humor in my relatives. They absurdly find it quite hilarious that I am still a virgin. I do not have a girl friend. I do not have the option of dating. The only way I can get near a girl is if I get married to her and that is not going to happen. There are a few other facilities but those are also not applicable and would not work because they still need the permission of your parents. My parents have technically disowned me because I wasn’t able to become the God child they always wanted. I live alone in a flat betrayed and rejected by the people I trusted and loved the most. I know how to solve these problems but taking advice from a professional is also recommended. They say even a signal to a wise person is good enough. That is what I need; I need to have the proper guidance and counseling tools to point me in the right direction which does not compromise my moral integrity. Point is that I know how to solve this problem in 24 different kinds of ways but I don’t want to lose my humanity in the process. I want to solve this but also remain truthful and honest about it. There are many people in the world who have gotten many things in life through unfair means and after having everything they still feel empty on the inside. They try to shield their hollowness by bridging the gap inside their personalities and behaviors by over compensating for their inferiority complex and low self esteem. I don’t want to be one of them. Another thing that I find quite fascinating is the insanity of looking down on somebody because of their sexual orientation or inclination. The most interesting of the ideology whose philosophical implications are tremendous is insulting, patronizing, disrespecting and humiliating someone on the basis of their sexuality stage like the phase of virginity. I have absolutely no idea why people make fun of virgins. It has no logical or rational basis. Everybody is born a virgin. It is not up to them to decide who, what, when, where, why, which and how are they going to lose it and even if it is, shouldn’t it be their prerogative. Virginity is an idea of again labeling your sexual status which is your private affair. Nobody should have the right to admonish or isolate you on that. It has become a symbol of discrimination in the whole world. The most shocking thing is that it has become a symbol of ridicule even in Islamic Muslim conservative countries like mine where fornication, adultery, promiscuity and infidelity are regarded as the most repulsive acts of human vices. Even then there are people in my neighborhood who look down upon me because I am still a virgin. That doesn’t make any sense when I do not have the luxury of even having a fair chance at interacting with a member of an opposite sex since they are all covered up in 24 layers of clothing like a Burqa or Hijab and locked in the 4 walls of the house; well at least most of them. If even I was born in a western setting or a modern secular liberal free society of a developed country, it would still be a despicable act of self indulgent behavior or narcissistic pretentiousness if someone would harass or victimize somebody based on their sexual activity. It is like attacking somebody for not living on your base instinct of eating insects for proteins so that you can have the ultimate level of survival training as a benchmark for proving your masculinity and success as a person of a higher order of society. It is like being violent with someone because he or she is not using their reproductive organs according to your preferences or standards of life that you have created to measure something that does not have any basis of measurement for anything. There is no requirement in any field or department of any academic discipline or any job, career, business or trade that you are supposed to lose virginity. No religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum or system requires you to lose your virginity. In fact it is considered a sign of decency and nobility. There is a double standard in this as well. If you are a virgin male you are looked down upon as a failure or a loser, while if you are a female virgin you are considered quite desirable. Although this also has 4 combinations this can be a good thing or a bad thing for both males and females depending upon the place or area of the world they are living in. On the other hand if you are a promiscuous male then you are considered to be quite accomplished even if you may not have done anything else, but if you are a promiscuous female then you are considered to be a dirty slut. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s like a Shakespearean play. To love or not to love; that is the question. Even if you do decide to have sex then who should be the person. Obviously then you have to analyze the standards and options, which then brings you back to square one. No amount of success in your life will solve this problem because people will still think that there is something wrong with you. Newton, the most influential scientist in the world died a virgin, but I don’t see anybody throwing his work out of the window. Jesus was a virgin; I don’t see any anthropologist, archaeologist, historian, poet, writer, philosopher, ideologist, sociologist or theologist targeting him on that quality. What if you do lose your virginity; what then, does that prove anything except that now you are not a virgin anymore and would that solve our problem; not really, because then you would need a regular or a permanent relationship which again has double standards and relative perspectives. Losing virginity does not signify how much regularity of sex you have and neither can anybody measure that according to any standard, because there is no equipment, instrument, gauge or device that can measure the level of satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or peace of your relationship. Neither there is any ranking or rating or classification or categorization that can prove that your sexual proficiency in synchronization with your mental aptitude of your ultimate standard has given you the best sex you can ever have with someone. What you do with your partner mentally or physically is only acceptable according to your own understanding of your idea of a romantic involvement which is only acceptable to you on your own grounds. Jean Simmons claims to have made love to 4800 women in his 24 year music career; Justin Bieber has had sex with 40 women up till the age of 20, but then how do we measure the standards of those women and what was the satisfaction level of the sexual interactivity. So what I am trying to say is how much sex an average person should get in his lifetime to become socially acceptable. I know that there are some people out there who are genuinely in love and are having the best relationship but I also believe that sex is something that people usually get very less and it fades away really quickly. Why do you think that majority of the musicians are in business for such a long time. Why do you think that majority of the top 50 billboard songs always revolve around sex. Just think about it. The conclusions that people draw from somebody’s virginity are also very ridiculous. If somebody is a virgin, it may be due to different reasons on which he or she may not have any control or it might not be their fault to really begin with, in the first place anyway. Just think about it, if people get to know or find out that you are a virgin it is automatically judged in the most harsh manner imaginable. It is like the worst sin ever committed in human history more brutal than Adolph Hitler’s World War II that killed 48 million people. If you are a virgin you are qualified to be stereotypically labeled by the whole world on an international level according to a similar tradition of unorthodox logic, rationale, nature or instinct that you are a horrible and a terrible person who deserves to be lynched, staked, crucified, burned or vaporized due to the reason that you might be a freaky, geeky, dorky, nerdy person who might be a pervert and if he is a pervert then he might be a stalker and if he is a stalker then he might be a molester and if he is a molester then he might be a pedophile and if he is a pedophile then he might be a rapist so we should just kill him before he does anything wrong. That is how the stereotyping average regular human mind works. When you lose everything and hit rock bottom, one of the last things that go before darkness takes over you is none other than your faith. I am hanging on the last ray of hope and final string of faith. I have seen that in this loveless life of mine, everything is going to go against you. Your friends will betray you, your family will disown you, your mentors will admonish you, your teachers will humiliate you, your relatives will disrespect you, your partners will deceive you, your government would abandon you and your nation would vilify you because you did not synchronize with their hypocritical principles. On top of that your job, career, business and trade get destroyed, you start suffering from mental and physical diseases and illnesses, you lose you wealth and then your health, your fate goes rogue and your destiny becomes illusive, you become partially blind with floaters and then you start suffering from high levels of anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension and the doctors give you a death sentence that if you don’t get treated you might actually die of a nervous breakdown or a tendency to commit suicide. So if a person unfortunately gets involved in this kind of situation, I think that his faith would be one of the many things that would get negatively affected. Let’s put this thought into perspective; the ultimate question that every individual asks is why did this happen to me. The answer has many variables but the simplest one is that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and your heredity and genetics were screwed from the very beginning resulting in a design that was following a destructive pattern of entropy from the foundation of its origin. But then the God variable comes in the form of divine intervention projecting the ideology of changing your fate by making your own destiny by showing your own resolve and praying to God that he will pardon your sins and reward you of your righteous deeds and take away your pain and suffering and make you whole again and then give you back your health and then your wealth and then your success and your purpose and your love for morality and humanity. But as it turns out, this pornographic fantasy does not work that way. I was actually betrayed by my Islamic clerics who deceived me with their lies that if I pray hard enough, my problems and my troubles will go away. That did not happen and things just got worse no matter how hard I tried to rectify them. So a person asks what in the name of God’s heaven is going on. If this life is an examination then why would God help us in the first place anyway and if we are going to get what is written in our fate then what is the point of praying in the first place anyway. This makes you feel disappointed as you feel like God has forsaken you. The most genuine and original form of Islamic guilt. You feel as though you either did not do enough service for him or maybe he just doesn’t love you that much. My whole life has been a Muay Thai Kick Boxing Tournament with God every second of everyday for 24 hours since the day I was born up till the day I die. I should probably get this written on my tombstone. Nothing has ever been that easy for me. Even the simplest of things have proved themselves to be nightmares because you have to fight your way through 10 barricades of different types of obstacles for fulfilling one task that should take just one second but somehow ends up taking the whole bloody year because you’re living in a hellish place with stupid people. I feel like Odysseus fighting twelve Gods at the same time. I just don’t find that fair but as it turns out life is not fair. I believe that if we are progressing and evolving through our understanding of our purpose and existence then I believe a higher from of intelligence like God who is our creator would also be progressing and evolving like us but on a higher level. God just looks to me as a research scientist who is playing a game of chess with us as his pawns. The only difference is that we have got free will. The important question is that what my purpose is in his grand design. How do I decipher the design matrix of God so that I can transcend from my inquisitive state and move forward with my spiritualism? A person of faith like me who’s only friend left was none except God and now he feels as though even He has forsaken him brings forth the ultimate purity of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of communication; it is the absence of intimacy. Everybody wants to have a friendship or relationship that has a foundation built on either benefits or pleasure or humanity or goodness that helps you become a better person and makes you want to strive ahead to live life to the fullest even if the odds are stacked up against you. Unfortunately according to my experience, I have noticed that you are born alone and you die alone, and nobody cares about you or is coming for you. After a little while everything just seems pointless; you lose your inspiration and motivation and everything becomes so meaningless in such a way that all of your ambitions, passions, targets and goals just don’t really matter anymore. It just gets so difficult to get up in the morning and life starts feeling like a burden. Your sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings become warped and you integrate with anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension. Work is no longer fun and fun is more work. You don’t feel like enjoying your life when you feel miserable all the time. You start thinking like a dark, negative, cynical and pessimistic brute. Everything is so blurry and everybody is so fake. You feel empty or hollow. You don’t want to indulge yourself in anything because it has no meaning. You start hating everything and everybody. It is like a downward spiral. You’re afraid that something bad is always going to happen no matter what you do because you are just stuck in a fix that you can’t get out of. It feels like you’re trapped. It feels like you’re in a quicksand and you are slowly drowning. You start thinking about death and sometimes you just wish that you were buried in your grave. Sometimes you just wish that you went to sleep and never woke up. You don’t feel alive anymore and you see only the whole world burning down in front of you. Why am I feeling this way? It doesn’t make any sense. Should I reprogram myself into becoming a robot again? I have got 2 options in my life. I can either become the most indestructible and unbreakable organic machine devoid of any sensitive emotion and lose my humanity or gain my humanity to lose my power and gain a world of pain and suffering only to feel alive and find a meaningful purpose of my existence. Do I submit to my pride and live in loneliness or do I surrender to love and live in pain? Who am I and what am I doing here? These questions have always bothered me. There is no easy answer. Do I live alone for the rest of my life and never have to worry about hurting or getting hurt by anybody ever again without any distractions or limitations? Or do I find somebody to have a meaningful relationship with, only to know that she wasn’t the one that I was looking for and everything that she pretended to be or I thought that she had was just a mirage or an illusion, enough to make me realize that my whole bondage was a dream in fact my whole sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings towards her were just a projection of a fantasy that wasn’t real? Then the ultimate question originates about how do I find out what is real in this world? Do I take a leap of faith or measure the hope of getting real love according to a formula revolving around a theory from all forms of natural sciences like physics, mathematics, chemistry or biology? Would I ever be able to calculate who, what, when, where, why, which and how would I be able to acquire what real love is or should, could or would be? What is love in the first place anyway? According to the oxford dictionary and the explanation in philosophy books, love is a thought of unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the well being of another person. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Love is so much more than that and no matter how hard you try you can’t really calculate it, because it is embedded deep into the core of our consciousness with different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that are changing so much faster than the speed of light that even time reverses itself in the fourth dimension. I guess love and time have got an intricate relationship that goes beyond our truth and reality. Which triggers my desire to learn more about it in such a way that it becomes an obsession, until my mind wants to be a part of it because it gives me a reason to live. Am I being illogical or am I following my instincts for the first time in my life since becoming self aware? Is love really the defining factor of my humanity that is rejuvenating my morality or vice versa or my digital circuits have been integrated with an anomaly or are facing a temporary glitch? Is love really a self aware conscious thought or is it just a biochemical instability or hormonal imbalance that assimilates feelings of reproduction for the survival of the species. The more mysterious this emotion is the more it intrigues me and its fascination invokes the desire for its acquisition. Is it too much to ask from this unforgiving world? Am I not just trying to be known to someone special and be important for her so that I can fit the missing pieces of the puzzle and find a broader purpose for my existence? Is it so hard for this world to accommodate me? Would I ever be able to achieve my target and reach my destination? I guess only I can answer this question. No matter how hard I try to resist this emotion due to my bitter experiences, it still finds me and when I give in to it, it just tears me apart again. But the beauty of it is that you always want it even more. The irony is that it is so difficult to find and even if you do find it, it will ultimately fade away. But I still try very hard to put myself in a situation or position to prepare for it again so that I can take the first step towards beginning this journey, even though life itself is not giving me this opportunity and fate itself is trying its level best to stop me. Love is kind of like a journey of finding yourself; when you find yourself, you find love because they are the same thing. How do I find love in this unforgiving environment that I am living in? That is the ultimate question. My friend’s story was quite similar with a disastrous ending. He was a good person; did all the right things and made all the right moves. He couldn’t get a job and nobody tried to help him, instead his family blamed him for everything and nothing he did was ever good enough. On top of that his other friends made fun of his virginity and told him what a loser he was because they got married and were making love to beautiful women while he was a useless and worthless piece of garbage who had absolutely no future prospects. He started working as usual in a low paying dead end job and with no labor laws and no designation of minimal wages, the organization exploited his situation and made him work down to the bone until his mental and physical health and fitness started getting irreparable damage. They paid him absolutely nothing even when his internship had finished and he was a permanent employee. Instead he was paying them to gain experience. That is how corrupt our government and private sector are. He was doing 4 jobs at one time in which he was getting less than minimal pay for 2 jobs from which he was paying the other 2 jobs related to his qualification field so that he can progress in them by gaining experience in these jobs and so that he could build a future. Even after working like a zombie robot and getting treated like an animal he stayed strong and prayed for things to get better but to no avail. After working like a slave for these monsters it was all in vain and his efforts were futile. He was barely able to afford his rent and his family had disowned him and with no facilities like social security, medical insurance, career counseling, unemployment stipend or welfare support which are considered as necessities in developed countries but are luxuries in underdeveloped fourth world countries like ours, he was headed towards an armageddon which he won’t be able to survive. In our country even electricity, gas, water, phone and internet are considered as luxuries. We get sometimes 24 to 48 hours of load shedding or power blackouts in our country. Finally the alienation and isolation took his toll on him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He decided one day to finish it and ended up committing suicide. All he ever wanted was to love someone and be loved in return of his and her own free will. Was that too much of a high demand? In millions of women available, not one could find an eligible bachelor like him worthy enough? Does he necessarily have to finish the 12 tasks of Hercules? Does he really need to become a God? I don’t want to end up like my friend. I always wanted to have a normal life even though being a normal person is such a relative perspective. I don’t even know who I am anymore and when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what do you want, where do you want to go, when are you going to get there, why are you doing this, which option is the best and how are you going to solve it. I don’t know whether I want to be with anybody anymore. Should I be alone and preserve my humanity or should I be rejected and lose my morality. How do I know and how do I tell? Is it moral to be alone or is it inhumane to be rejected? I know people can learn how to survive alone if they make a conscious decision or if they have no choice. I still have a choice but do I really deserve to be with someone? Do the rules of philosophy or psychology dictate that I need to be with someone to progress and evolve? And if they do then what is the logic behind it? And if it is settled then how do I be with someone? I haven’t been taught courtship or companionship. I do not have a doctoral thesis or theoretical experience in the field of female sexuality, dating, sociology, psychology or philosophy with which I could develop interpersonal relationships. I have never even talked to a girl in my life except in situations in which there was a work requirement in university or office and I live in a conservative country. I am 28 years old and I have never even looked, talked, walked, touched or kissed a girl in my whole life. I mean all of this in terms of having a meaningful communication or a thoughtful connection. After living a straight and formal life, I have been stereotypically labeled by my family and friends as a homosexual, a womanizer, a pedophile and a rapist but the ironic or poetic part of this situation is that I am a virgin. My mental and physical health and fitness are going down which means that if this deterioration keeps progressing on a mathematical formula then I am probably going to die a virgin. All I need is a fair chance at life; is it too much to ask? I don’t even know how it feels like to be touched by a woman. It’s not like I don’t have money; I do, but I am not a super rich guy and it is unfair that I need to have huge loads of money so that I can buy a wife for myself. Majority of the girls in my country do not use dating websites in fact they don’t even use the internet mainly because of the reason that they are either illiterate or too backward for using that technology. The few girls that do use the internet and even fewer who might use a dating website have got even higher standards of demands from their potential spouses. Meaning at the end of the day in order to put the long story in a shorter version, there isn’t much left to deal with in the first place to even begin with anyway. There is a massive shortage of women and even a larger shortage of good women. I do not have a degree in psychology or sexuality and I have absolutely no idea how to talk to a woman as I have lived in a guarded and segregated environment. How would I be able to make a woman fall in love with me when I don’t even know how to talk to them? They are totally different from us in many fields and departments of life. One of my biggest fears in life now is loneliness but on top of that are also people. How can I fight both fears that are polar opposites and are working against each other to facilitate my safe zone but also torturing my preservation of a healthy life. Am I supposed to just survive or do I deserve to be happy? Do people like us never find peace and keep on suffering in pain till the last breath of their lives? Should I just give up all hope and learn to live with my demons or is there a way out? Should I do the right thing and feel miserable or should I do the wrong thing and think that I am satisfied? Should I do the wrong thing and think that I am doing it for good or should I do the right thing and feel that I am doing it for evil? Should I rather be hated for telling the truth or be loved for telling falsehood? Should I rather prefer to live in a reality that is a nightmare or an illusion that is a dream?
  5. It's horrible how parents are stupid and often also "blind" and don't recognise what's happening... http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-may-13-2016-1.3580576/sibling-bullying-has-the-greatest-impact-says-parenting-expert-1.3580656 Website of the author: http://www.kidsareworthit.com Interviews with 3 listeners who commented on that program and then were willing to share their stories: http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-may-31-2016-1.3608620/the-not-so-safe-sanctuary-of-home-1.3608628 Available as podcasts, too: http://www.cbc.ca/radio/podcasts/current-affairs-information/the-current/
  6. TooOld4This

    job fears

    Friday i had one of those Bully Encounters at work. So, I do computer support at a large corporation, right? This guy comes to my department and asks for help with how slow his computer is (a common problem, and our department has a software patch that fixes it). The guy wasn’t the problem; it was his co-worker who came with him. Crewcut blond head on top of a walrus body, would’ve looked perfect in either a Nazi Stormtrooper Brownshirt or a redneck sheriff’s deputy uniform. And thought he knew my job better than me; blowing his horn all about how i’d better do what he thinks i should do because [Ignorant Bullshit Computer Jargon Word #1] and he knows all about [Ignorant Bullshit Pseudotechnical Catchphrase #4]. If you know so much about computers, Asswipe, how come you didn’t fix this yourself? It was all i could do to just focus on the guy with the problem, and be polite to him and listen to what he had to say while his shithead colleague goes on about how “yeah, that’s because when Microsoft was making Windows, they [Ignorant Meaningless Bullshit #2].” I got the whole transaction done quick, so i could put an end to the whole meeting. FUCK you, asshole. This is why i worry about my ability to not get fired. Entitled domineering assholes like this guy make me SO ANGRY. These guys (and, for that matter, their female counterparts; yeah, i mean you, Ariana Grande) cause my mind to flash back in a major way, to the kind of small-town bigmouths who bullied me in high school. I don’t want to get fired; i don’t want to say something that’ll get me fired. I just don’t know if i have enough self-control to make it through a dozen of these confrontations, much less 13 years of them.
  7. Hello This is the first time ever i'm talking about this to anyone. My eng is not really good so pls bear with it lol This is another "big nose" story but with lil difference cos i'm a man (i guess this is mostly "girly" problem) It's not looking issue. I was never handsome man i never will be and i'm fine with that. I'm not fine when people are trying to help me with (really) low sef confidence and i can't really tell them why anything they say can't help. So yeah... I was born with pretty normal nose but really soon (like 4 ys old) i broke it (but really boke, i could see inside my nose lol) 2-3 years after i did it again! lol And again looool Anyway... When i was little my nose was "fine" but as i started to grow my nose did to and pretty soon it became huge! 7th grade or so, when i just started to hit puberty (worst time possible) it begins! Everyone in class started to make fun off me, calling me any big nose name you can think of. That happen every day of my life! I was skipping school here and there just to give myself a break, but it didn't help cos all i did (staying home or wandering around the town) was crying or cursed God that made me this way or even stare in the mirror and literally feeling sick with image i see in it. I think i delt with abuse the wrong way cos i picked "happy go lucky" attitude to show people i don't care and it doesn't bother me. In one way i'm happy cos of that cos it gave me (and im aware of that) that "magnetic" personality + humble and compassion Yeah pretty soon i became class president and all... But on the other hand it seemed to people that since i don't care they can still make fun of me and they did. I learned to deal with it with my classrom friends but since whole school (or it seemed that way) was "against" me it was just to much. High school was even worse. Especially after couple of fights where i got my nose broke again lol Not only making fun of me but since i "didn't care" they assumed i was weak so they started to spit on my back during class cos i guess thats funny to Funny, i was again elected to be class president (yes president of that horrible class lol) Anyway here's couple of anecdotes (but keep in mind stuff like that happen to me on a daily basis for 10+ years) I remember one time at handball practice, female handball team saw me and all of them, WHOLE team start singing Pinokkio (song from popular band here). My team mates were really stupid and wondered wtf was that all about but i knew... On school trip one girl i saw for the first time in my life (girl with glasses big as ashtrays!) started to point at me and lough saying i can open cans with that thing (lol funny, but funny now not then) Ofcourse when i was passing by people idk sitting on the bench or whatever i looked the other way, that habit stayed with me to this day... My girlfriends father started to draw pictures of me and tape those pictures in her room lol Once (before she became my gf) she went with her friends on summer vacation. When she came back she told us (my friends and me) they were bored so they started to imagine and acting how guys (from our group of friends) look like when they're "making love". She showed us ofcourse lol and when they asked her to show them how i look she turned around and asked me do i want to show me how i look when i'm "making love" with my **** or with my nose... Even her friendes thought thats inappropriate.... And yeah i started (and still am lol what an idiot) dating this one lol Biggest deal was when my little sister came home crying and said everybody makes fun of her cos of me and she is ashamed i'm her brother! I can't resent her cos she was really young but ain't that kick in the head? lol My father and mother kept quiet (i think they were lil bit shocked to) and i did my thing, pretending it doesn't bother me, but truthfully that day part of me died... I had a nose job couple of years later and when i finally started to "breath" again (doctors said i can't brake my nose for atleast a year) 6-7 months after that group of skinheads broke my nose again lol So here we go again. Its not that bad as it used to be but its still pretty bad + emotional scars just don't want to heal Even now when i hear people laughing i think they are laughing at me. I'm still turning my head around passing by. And self confidence is 0 I got this personality that idk in 5 min knowing me people LOVE me and i'm aware of that (thats so cocky to say but its true) I'm a so so successful musician. If you watch any reality show or shows like idk CSI, Navy CIS, Burnt Notice chances are you heard my music. Also DJ-ing in practically all clubs in my town I bought a house with jacuzzy and all other unnecessary things with cash! (no credit, mortage or anything) So at the moment i'm living a dream I thought that could gave me some self confidence but nah Still feeling inferior comparing anyone i do or do not know. Still have a same girlfriend! Yes the same one that hurt me on couple occasions. People ask me why i don't merry her i don't know what to answer... Honesty i know, its because i want something else, something better but still think and always will NOONE wants to be with me + feeling some strange gratitude cos she was willing (and still is) to be with me when i was "nobody" and when noone else didn't want to be with me + i'm 30 i'm affraid its to late for me now... So yeah... This is a good example how bullying and entall abuse can screw you'r life and nomather what you do later in life you'll not get better
  8. Well group, this is where i tell you why i joined this forum. I apologize in advance for being verbose. I was a battered child; the Sperm-Donor (some men don't deserve the title "father") slapped me for even small mistakes, and sometimes punched me. He threw me down the stairs once too, i remember. He brainwashed me into thinking i could never defend myself or stand up for myself. Because, well, a child can't defend himself against a 6-foot 200-pound adult. Softened me up real good, that guy did; turned me into the perfect punching bag for the school bullies. The bullies discovered me when i was about 10 or so. When we started to play team sports in gym class and i didn't know how to play them, then the bullies realized i was different. That's always how bullies smell blood in the water: find the one who's different and has no friends. So they started. They tripped me as i walked in the hall. They walked up behind me and pounded me in the back of my head. They knocked the schoolbooks out of my hands. They took money from me. The verbal abuse was just as relentless: "spazz," "dork," "dorf," and the entire dictionary of homophobic insults. When your gay neighbors complain about school bullying, you should believe them. I was the target of homophobic insults, and i'm not even gay. I wish i could say that the girls bullied me less than the boys. Not so. The girls knew (as the boys did) that they could get at me by stabbing at my masculinity. They knew i was shy and insecure. One of their tactics was to air-kiss me or say "you look cute today" and then, if i was innocent enough to accept the compliment, they'd join with their girlfriends in laughing at me for being so gullible. In fact, girls used me to bully other girls: if they wanted to really insult a girl, they'd tell her "[my name] likes you!" That was the worst insult they could throw at a girl: the idea that i might be attracted to her. So much shame. From not knowing how to defend myself against bullies, and from not knowing how to attract girls. And my high school had several other ways to make me ashamed of myself. Gym class had one classic (that many of you may remember): if we boys were about to play a team sport, two of the higher-ranking boys would choose who they wanted on their team. So at nearly every gym class, each of us had a person-by-person measure of exactly who outranked us, and whom we outranked. I wasn't the last one chosen, because nobody actually ever chose me at all: they were just told that i was on their team because i was the last one left. I didn't outrank anyone; i was the bottom of the pile. National Honor Society was another big moment of shame: i had the best grades in my class, but because all off my activities were non-school activities like Boy Scouts and church, they wouldn't let me be on Honor Society. They completely invalidated the only thing i was good at -- schoolwork. Shame continued through college. I was so ashamed of myself, i could hardly talk to women my age. So i didn't have many dates. Didn't have my first date until i was 19, didn't experience my first kiss until i was 23, and was a virgin until well after i graduated from graduate school. Having so few sexual partners -- that's been a huge source of additional shame for me. I'm ashamed of my career failures, too: i was a trial lawyer for 12 years, but could never succeed in a law firm and couldn't make enough money on my own to support myself (i once washed trucks at UPS for awhile, just to bring in some the cash i wasn't making as a lawyer). I eventually had to leave law and become a computer technician, which is what i do now. I'm ashamed that i make so little money. Here i have a law degree, and in my last job i made only 30K a year (less than that, if you look at take-home pay). Now here i am, 57 years old, with a lifetime of failure behind me. I empathize with the people in this forum who write that they hate themselves. I hate myself, too; i wish i'd been a completely-different type of man. I'm grateful for my wife of 24 years, she's the one sunny spot in my life. But even in our marriage there's a lot to make me ashamed of myself: she makes more money than i do, her career is more stable and successful than mine, and we weren't able to have children. So i failed there, too. I'm sure very few people have read my entire story here. How could they? It's so long and so depressing. But i thank anyone who read any part of this without laughing at me or judging me. I needed to get all of this off of my chest, and i hope somehow i'll find comfort here. Thanks
  9. glimpses&flashes

    Looking for Adult Survivors...

    Hi all. First of all, I guess I should tell my story. Here in Australia we only have two schools, primary and secondary (highschool.) Ages 5 to 12, and then 13 to 17. I came from a small primary school, when I was in the 6th year, there were only 6 people in that entire year. The school was less than 100 students most of the time, so everyone knew each other, I got on well with my class mates but the other kids I played will as a child were all younger than me by up to 2 or three years. So when I went to highschool, I had no friends of my own already from primary school. My highschool was up to 1,000 students so it was a shock to the senses for bookish me. It's funny, I remember my primary school finding out who we'd been paired with in classes when we were to go to higschool. There were to be two classes who took our small group of 6. I went with my friend, and my cousin went with the other class. I was given the option to change then and there and not wanting to be a bother, I said it was fine. Thinking back I can recall a sense of forboding during that conversation then that I hadn't been aware of so young. But I wish I could go back and change that decision. Within a week of being in a new larger school for the first time, my friend had dropped me like a stone for the more trendy girls. Within a month she had moved away, and I became the classes number one amusement. I was quiet, shy and had no interest in the same sorts of things that they did, make up and fashion seemed so far away for me, and in truth I've only began to be interested by such stuff in the last year or so and I'm now 23. I was called a particularily humiliating name taken from a character of Harry Potter, a character who wasn't human, and how was below all the others in the story in terms of social standing and rank. I won't say the name because it triggers me more than anything. But I was into my third reading of Lord of the Rings at this stage so just on sheer principle, this name I was shackled with, and indeed, being assosiated with Harry Potter in any intimate form was near sacrelidge for me. The entire year I was tormented, spitballs in my Hermione Granger-like hair, name calling, general nastyness and put-downery. I rememer feeling physically ill at the thougt of having to go to school and took so much time off, either through continuois bouts of the flu brought on by the stress, or my mother taking pity on me, that at the end of that year, I had actually attended only three of the four terms of that year in time spent. That's 10 weeks less than anyone else, but I was still the best in the class because I didn't have anyone to talk to! Funny that. In all that time I never once cried at school EVER. I never gave in, I ignored it every single time but they knew I was affected by it. I never ran out of class in shame or anger and I never skipped class. I've never had suicidal thoughts either, so I've had it ALOT better than some here. However I remember being in class one day with the entire class heckling me, shouting from back row to front where I was with my back turned away from them. I remember the teacher (a substitute) sat there and did nothing. Not untill I asked her very politely to intervene. I've seen that woman once or twice around town since finishing school, and I always remember that moment with quite a lot of distain. The next year I had an idea of what I liked and so was allowed to choose which classes I wanted to take, the few scant friends I had made from other classes were into the same things too and so after a year of highschool, I finally had friends in my class. I formed a deep friendship with a girl during this time who was always in my classes and I made small gains in my confidence througout the years but I've only just realised that that friendship I had could be quite rankist and judgemental with this one girl. I broke off the friendship bout 5 years ago when I realised she wasn't going to have the courage to stop using me to prop herself up. Throughout my early higschool years Lord of the Rings was my saviour, first the books and then the movies. And then I became enamoured with the film industry and internet culture. I felt more myself there than I did in norman life which I felt was incredibly dull and not to be trusted. So I finished highschool with dismal sucess and proceeded to spend the next three years unemployed, safely cucooned in what I knew protected me. I've always lived in the same house with my parents and it's very much became a safe retreat for me and the thought of having to leave it to make my mark on the world (which would involve moving to the city,) has always been a terrifying prospect. After some time I finally managed to secure a fulltime job for just over a year. But my boss was a bully and an abusing narcissist. So when he fired his best employee simply on princible, I walked out to support her. Now, again, I'm unemployed! But am looking to start my own digital business somehow and unleash the bottomless potential brewing just under a crust I can't seem to shift. And so now it is time to deal with the mark bullying left on me. It does something deeply to you. When I was young I spent my time in my head and was always very imaginative but I used to showcase that, but now I'm too shy to reveal how charismatic I know I actually am. I have a nagging sense of not being strong enough to sustain the battles of life. I don't have many friends, and all but one are passing and casual. I've never had a long term partner. But I've never been drunk. I've never smoked. I've never thought of causing harm to myself or others. I have a history of mental illness on both sides of my family though I am undiagnosed (touch wood,) nor do I feel I've ever had any episodes. I've had it a lot easier than many people here. But I'm interested in connecting with other Adult Survivors and discussing this unifying experience between us, what does it change, what doesn't it change. Can WE change for the better? Please, please, do comment if even one part of this struck a chime with you. It's time for ALL to discover just how subtle this phenomenen is, and what we can lear from it. Thanks, Carol.
  10. Hi this is my first post, it took me some time to find courage to talk about this, I've done it with a couple of friends that I really consider friends, anyways this is my story, any advices will be really appreciated. (english is not my native language as I am from El Salvador, I speak really well yet my grammar is not that perfect). When I started school (about the age of 6, right after kindergarten) I was a normal kid, my parents had trouble with me when cause I was very slim, not sick but slim and they worried, so they gave me vitamins and stuff which made me chubby, and since the moment I was born i had inherited a big mole above my upper lip, its not big enough to cover my face but not small enough to be not noticeable, which from about the age I mentioned before, the other kids started making fun of me because of my mole, at the age I didn't really care because I was very smart, I talked and got distracted in classes yet when the teacher asked me about the lesson i always answered right and was top of my class, this continued until i was 17, I've always been very smart, i can learn things without any effort, and by the age of 14 i was very arrogant, also my teachers gave me harder assignments to test my capacity which made the other kids bully me more. Also when i was young my family lived in a quite bad place so i spent most of my time at home, i had about one friend, which when we grew up, we liked the same girl and since he went to the same school he began making fun of me like all the others. When i reached 15 in high school things became harder since I began liking girls and the bullying became harder to the point that sometimes my entire classroom would make fun of me, by that time I didnt trust anyone anymore (besides my family, we had some issues but they've been always for me and supporting me even with financial problems) and that made me feel really insecure. I also was a boy scout, my father was the leader and made me have a really nice time but again since i was good at making things there, the other kids will made fun of me at some point (when my father wasn't around). Also when i was in high school I tried to get closer to girls but since I was the kid everyone made fun of, they rejected me, i met one but i was afraid and ended up pushing her away. since then I haven't been able to make friends, im 26 now, i have barely any friends and the ones i do, sometimes i feel like i cant trust them, even though they have show me i can trust in them, my relationship with girls is disastrous, because sometimes i like too much a girl and end up pushing them away or being too awkward, the only girlfriend i ever had was a girl in the USA which was too young for me, even though we stayed together for a year but had to break up because of the distance. I had a group of friends before but i got to a point where i felt they relied on me too much, i was the one organizing parties or setting the place and time to go out, also with most of the people if I dont start talking to them they wont talk to me, and i barely know that to talk about, since i like talking about politics, science or smart stuff, even comics or technology (im a very geeky guy) and most people just dont talk about that and i feel normal topics are just to vain or stupid. anyways, i've been feeling very lonely lately because even if i meet new people, they just end up like everyone else, getting away or perhaps being pushed away by my personality, there is no much psychiatric help here since we got a bad public health system and private its quite expensive atm, also all my life ive been chubby (im trying to lose weighh now but its hard cause sometimes i dont feel motivated at all), now a bit fat and makes me feel very insecure because i like to dress well but i cant since clothes will not fit me as i wish. i failed about 4 years of my university classes which made me lose the few friends i had made in there. even though all those things, i have a job, finishing my university degree and own a motorcycle (honda cbf 125 2014 ) which makes people think im just grumpy or not satisfied, which sometimes i feel like giving up, because its like im trying to fix everything bad at the same time, losing weight, making for the lost time at university, trying to make friends, dealing with my job (tech support at sony, and sometimes the customers are extremely stressful) and dealing with my country problems, like gangs and the mental insecurity you get with all the media, plus the economy its not good here. Sorry that its quite messy what i wrote but im trying to include as much details as i can, feel free to ask to know more about me and if you have any suggestion about what can i do, i will be glad to hear it
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