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Found 167 results

  1. My mother is probably one of the most hypocritical person I have ever met in my life. I was rejected by my mother since the day I was born mainly because of the reason that she did not feel any love or attachment towards me and that would possibly be due to the reason of the matter of the fact that she got an arranged marriage that was absolutely loveless. The weakness in her resolve further deteriorated her character to an abysmal level. She belonged to a religious conservative family background as the daughter of a farmer who was also a holy man who had quite a significant number of adherents or followers who worshiped him like God. Imagine how much pressure it would bring on a liberal person of my stature when you are in the position of being a grandson to a holy man being worshiped by a whole jurisdiction or region of people belonging to different tribes and groups. I remember the first time when I was a child and a follower kneeled into prostration in front of me and I got really confused and I asked my mother that you always told me that only God deserves to be worshiped in this way and only he should be kneeled upon, then why is he doing this to me? Does he think that I am God? My mother’s answer was that they think that we are God’s ambassadors on the planet and due to being born in a specific tribe we become high born and gain royal blood which puts us in a position of huge responsibility of taking care of our kingdom. This made absolutely no sense to me as I believed and was taught by my religion that all men are created equal and no white has precedence over black and no local has precedence over a foreigner. The original version of our religion taught us that people of all religions and cultures are supposed to be respected. The Christians and Jews can be our friends and they will not go to hell just because they are not Muslims; they will go to heaven and they will be judged just like we would and their respective Prophets will act as their ambassadors on the Day of Judgment. It is written in the Quran as well; God says that if it were up to me I would have created all humankind with same faith but I deliberately created this diversity as a test so that we learn how to respect and overcome our differences and honestly join together through our similarities to live in peace and harmony with each other. That’s why in our religion interfaith and interracial marriages are encouraged to promote this level of diversity. It would absolutely be self contradictory for a religion to state that other religions or races or colors or creeds should be isolated but at the same time be allowed as well. Unfortunately there are some factions in our religion that think otherwise even though there is quite an overwhelming level of evidence or proof to suggest the contrary. But again they are a few and majority still believes that it is just fine. However the rest of the world is bent on vilifying us for a religion that is vastly misunderstood not by the foreigners only but also by the Muslims themselves. People don’t understand when I tell them that when Quran has a verse saying "Kill all the outsiders who have wronged you" it was only applicable to the people 1400 years in the past when they were in the middle of a war for their survival from the Quraish tribe that was trying to kill them for their Islamic beliefs and not for all time up till the day of judgment. The verse as usual has been taken out of context and misinterpreted to defame a peaceful religion. Anyway my ultimate question to my mother was very simple; how can a man who doesn’t even know about his own future and can’t even predict about his own fate on the day of judgment would be able to save these people and offer them retribution or salvation? My mother could not satisfactorily answer this question because she knew that this whole phenomenon of "Holiness" was just a cultural travesty and had nothing to do with religion in the first place to begin with anyway. But due to this level of unawareness my mother was brainwashed into following a hypocritical system of retroactive conformity of a class system designed to subjugate the illiterate people and manipulating them into believing in something that was not the truth to create a culture of subservience towards the power and influence of the ruling classes which would keep them in their place and vulnerable to follow rules that would keep them functioning in the lower order so that the masters keep their agricultural lands and their production in accordance with government tyranny and corporate imperialism. Obviously my mother began to realize that as a woman her position might actually be quite secondary and at the end of the day her brothers will get majority of the benefits. That includes the inheritance of land as well which is also a cultural thing. My mother after conforming towards the hypocritical fundamentalism of her traditional family still got betrayed by her own father which then resulted in developing a high level of insecurity in her personality and behavior. Although she was educated but due to limited vacancy she didn’t get a job and now was stuck in raising a family which she didn’t want to. She wanted to belong in the social circle of her relatives and she tried her level best to impress them and be hospitable to their needs and follow the standards of traditional living but none of that was good enough for her super rich extended family who always put her down for absolutely no reason until she just lost her mind. In that frustration and irritation she took her fear and hate out on me in the most negative manner possible. In order to make matters worse she decided to find refuge in religion which further manipulated her inferiority complex and low self-esteem and used it as a weapon to make her think and do whatever the organization wanted her to think and do. Islamic guilt has a way of making you feel like a sinner 24 hours a day just like many other religions. They turn you into their puppets by making you go through a stage wise process of Kubler Ross and David Kessler Model of grief which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Majority of the traditional housewives that turn towards the asylum of religion are suffering from grief, but the major difference is that they are not transformed into zombie robots that are devoid of critical thinking and human emotion or are made to follow the laws and rules of suppression or submission or obedience or oppression. That put me in her sniper sights and she found me as a perfect suitable escape goat for her life’s problems and troubles and used me as a punching bag to take out her nihilism, pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and all her negativity. She became a rageaholic maniac determined to make my life a living hell because her husband treated her like a piece of garbage and religion blamed her for it. She was a classic case textbook manual orthodox run-of-the-mill example of a spoiled rich pampered girl suffering from biochemical instability and hormonal imbalance. A relationship is based on trust, respect, loyalty, justice, empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness and when your own mother doesn’t even fulfill one factor then you’re fate has obviously dealt you a tough hand. I became a victim of mental and physical abuse by my mother as well. The issue that really hurt me was her weakness in acknowledging the truth or fact of the situation and her inability to be loyal and just while being trustworthy and reliable. She was being unfair and didn’t even realize it. In order to make matters worse she started lying about everything in order to save her reputation. In order to save her reputation she would lie about me not only to my family members but also to my relatives negotiating her honor and dignity. This behavior made her lose her trust and respect but she was willing to surrender her ethics and morals. It is part of our righteous piety that we are not at liberty to divulge sensitive or private levels of information about our own family members to anybody including members of the extended family as well. My mother would say or do anything to her own family members in order to save her reputation which goes to show how much pride has led her astray and towards the depths of hypocrisy. She would gladly throw me to the wolves by blaming me for whatever problems or troubles happened to me in my life but also blame me for everything wrong that happened in the lives of my whole family including her if she is put in a tight spot which is absolutely irreversible and unacceptable. Let me give you an example on how much vindictive my mother could become. When I was a kid I used to have trouble breathing due to a diverging nose that had a middle bone that was so deformed that it blocked my left nostril and I wasn’t able to inhale proper amounts of air to get oxygen and it used to be a problem and on top of that my nose is very small in fact I probably have the smallest nostrils in the world which obviously wasn’t helping the problem as well but making it a little worse. I was having trouble sleeping and used to snore very loudly and then had an accumulation of nasal fluid that used to infect my sinuses while also causing things like sleep apnea. All of these situations resulted in my nostril tissues, nasal passages, airways, sinuses, throat, tonsils, esophagus, lungs and my whole respiratory system getting negatively infected. I was obviously diagnosed with DNS (Deviated Nasal Septum) and surgery was recommended immediately when the situation became more serious as my nose had grown to almost its full length as I was 16 years old. The treatment of surgery was only the most logical approach recommended by the doctor or specialist but my mother just refused to admit that I would actually be suffering from something genuine and she blamed me for being sensitive to my respiratory disease. I had to fight for my right of being taken seriously and treated as quickly as possible before something else happened but my whole family didn’t want to listen. Ultimately I had to use my father’s rank and had to go to the naval hospital myself alone to get my surgery done so I took the bicycle and admitted myself without telling my parents. After I woke up from the surgery I informed my father that I had gotten he surgery done and I am going to be returning after a few days. Upon returning home and still bleeding from my nose I was going into my bedroom and I saw my mother in the lounge totally offended and removed from the intensity or potency of the situation. Her words were absolutely one of the most painful and hurtful words I would ever hear in my whole lifetime. She said and I quote "You would always be a pain in my neck". I would never forget these words as they are one of the most heartless, thoughtless, uncompassionate, inconsiderate, unkind and selfish words a mother could ever tell her child after he has gone through so much pain already and in which he had no fault of his own and he never inconvenienced her in the slightest and did everything himself even then she could not say one word of support. What kind of a mother is she that just doesn’t give a damn? But who am I kidding right; she never gave a damn about me since the day I was born in the first place to begin with anyway. This incident was just to give you a small idea of what she could actually do if things were not going her way. My mother actually has a much worse habit of manipulating her family members into making them fight amongst themselves by portraying herself as the victim and then using the ignorance of the family member to turn against his own flesh and blood. This kind of devious activity would probably put even the devil to shame. Once she went to such an extent that she made all four members of my family including me fight amongst each other for a very trivial issue that had nothing to do with anything. My mother plays the innocent victim or the damsel in distress routine better than anybody I have ever known because that is the ultimate forte of the women in my region and it is known as deception. In order to formulate her lust and greed for power and influence and keep herself relevant inside the family she would say or do anything to keep the relationships among the family members unstable so that she can keep on reaping the benefits. My family members can’t process multiple relationships so they stick to their most favorite ones and this weakness is then exploited by my mother who plays on their insecurities and turns them against each other so that she can still remain important. She will indulge herself in this devious game and turn father against son and sister against brother and that’s how she will get her way with us. How do I influence her in a positive manner that our relationship could be improved?
  2. I want to formally introduce myself. I am 28 years old and I have done a B.E. 4 year degree program in Electrical Engineering and an M.E. 2 year degree program in Electrical Engineering from a prestigious institution in my country. I started my profession immediately after my post graduation and so far have 4 years of experience working in different leading enterprises, incorporatives, companies and organizations. I have worked in 8 organizations and I am faced with a unique dilemma as this has never happened before and should have at least not have happened to me. Having an I.Q. of 140 according to Mensa International, I began to utilize my intelligence according to much higher levels of philosophical, ideological, sociological and theological perspectives of existence trying to keep a stable balance of a foundational equilibrium between Optimism, Idealism, Rationalism and Existentialism. After integrating myself with genuine intellectuality and original sophistication I decided to upgrade my mental and physical abilities with personality and behavior in order to improve myself. I wanted to improve my education, qualification, sophistication and facilitation along with my skills, abilities, talents and potentials. I believe that in order to become an integral member of society that puts a positive impact on the world or the path towards goodness is achievable by understanding and learning the difference between good and evil or right or wrong and using that knowledge or information to formulate your morality by which you can build your empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness in an unbiased fashion that is not dependant on a desire or a wish for a reward or recognition or respect or retribution or even redemption. I am a multidimensional allrounder with multiple personality positive types and traits. I have got open mindedness to experience; I am very conscientious, extraverted, showing high tendency of agreeableness, with humility, balanced self esteem, balanced tendency to get perfectionism and I utilize all forms of learning styles like synthesis analysis, methodical study, fact retention and elaborative processing. I also have a fairly balanced personality in regards with sensation, intuition, thought, feeling, emotion, warmth, reasoning, liveliness, consciousness, conscientiousness, social boldness, sensitivity, and vigilance. I am a Type A personality with all four temperaments like Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic joined together in a multifarious network that projects my behavior in different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that display my identity in a unique or different manner in specific kind of situations, but majority of the time I make an effort or take an initiative to synchronize with my surrounding environment without negotiating the foundational structure of my moral integrity. I try to practice the seven virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. I make an effort and take initiative in integrating and assimilating myself with positive emotions like affection, confidence, contentment, courage, curiosity, desire, empathy, gratitude, happiness, hope, interest, joy, love, passion, trust and wonder. I am living among people who have a narrow perspective of life. I believe you should not underestimate other people and not judge others lest you be judged yourself. I didn’t get time to indulge myself in the finer things in life because I was too busy working hard in progressing and evolving into a more knowledgeable person who understands the difference between good and evil and right and wrong and uses empathy and altruism as well as compassion and kindness to make this world a better place. I wasn’t allowed to watch television or film or use computer or internet in my student days and I have never had fun in my life. I have worked in 8 organizations out of which 2 were of international level. I am writing Doctoral thesis and post-doctoral research papers for Engineers, Doctors, Scientists, Technologists, Physicists, Mathematicians, Chemists and Biologists. I am the founder of my "Martial Arts Institution And Organization". I invented the first Robot Doctor on artificial intelligence that works better than a human doctor in diagnosing minor diseases and illnesses, I am the founder of my own rock band, worked in radio as a DJ and RJ, wrote an encyclopedia book on Martial Arts. I have 8 black belts in different styles of martial arts like Kung fu, Taekwondo, Aikido, Jujutsu, Karate, Ninjutsu, Savate and Muay Thai Kick Boxing, I am 7 times national champion in Gymnastics and 9 times national champion in Kung fu, 2 times national selector and 2 times national judge, I have written my first rock album and my first rap album and I am also a maker of documentaries and films so what I am trying to say is that I didn’t make all of these achievements while sitting in my room as some arrogantly ignorant and obliviously naïve people think. In order to become a genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individual, I had to study really firm and had to work very hard to read thousands of books on a multidimensional allrounder level on a diverse variety of all academic disciplines ranging between arts, humanities, social sciences, pure sciences, natural sciences and applied sciences to understand how this world really works. I believe that in order to formulate new ideas you have to join the old ones together in a fusion hybrid to gain broader perspective. I believe that in order to invent new things you have to indulge yourself in innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design. This is how I live my life and I am very successful in it. Remember success is not measured by the amount of money that we have accumulated but by the amount of contribution that we have made to society by helping our fellow man. I have done plenty with the grace of God. That’s why I am affiliated with 8 NGOs. I know that I have worked very hard in my life studying and working 16 to 18 hours a day and after being an educated, qualified, sophisticated, facilitated individual with high level of skills, abilities, talents, potentials, wisdom and intelligence and massive stages of knowledge and information from all fields and departments of academic disciplines, I faced a lot of setbacks and things may not have appeared to work out for me at this period of time but the game is not over until it’s over right? But people just don’t stop being idiots and don’t learn how to admit their mistake and apologize for it or grow up or wake up. Unfortunately my family and my relatives do not appreciate my efforts and initiatives because they like to have a good time making fun of me and also because they want to live in their pornographic fantasy that they are the only ones who are working hard while the rest of the people are just busy violating their fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. I guess haters are always going to hate no matter what you do. I like to indulge myself with innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design, but unfortunately I have limited options available over here. Let me tell you what the culture of my country is. I belong to a conservative country whose dominant religion is Islam. Now before I say anything else I don’t want anybody to stereotypically label me. There are 50 Muslim countries in the world with 1.8 billion Muslim followers and all of them are not like the way I described them; I am only talking about the people in my surrounding environment regardless of their religion, race, color or creed, but mentioning this information was a necessary application. The reason that I mentioned this truth or fact was that I want to explain how religious extremism can victimize you. I belonged to a religious conservative preacher saint family who raised me up like an altar boy. I was taught the foundations of my religion. The five pillars of Islam, Faith, Prayer, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage. I did all of them like a devout Muslim following the Quran, Tafseer, Tushreeh, Hadith, Sunnah, Seerah, Fiqah; all the laws and principles, all the verses from the scripture , the guidelines, the Fatwas, Philosophy, Ideology, Sociology, Theology, and even exegesis of religion; I am an unofficial student of comparative religion so I have studied other faiths as well including all major religions from Islam to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism, Taoism And all other major religions as well. I integrated fully with my religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum and system. I was trained like a gentleman from the Victorian era Renaissance period. I followed every instruction or protocol down to the last letter. I was an exemplary Muslim and then I started getting victimized by the new wave of modernism in my society, and when I began to became less conservative and more liberal of my own free will even that was not enough because then my country started going through another level of hypocrisy and a new wave of extremist islamization started infecting my country like an epidemic or pandemic. It spread like a disease or illness that had no bounds and I was then victimized because of my liberal views. I used to have a beard and I wore a traditional dress taking care of my decency and protected myself from all kinds of vices and sins. My friends used to say that this boy is so pious and saintly that angels perform ablution from his sweat. But then things changed and I was known as a loser who is a eunuch or a hermaphrodite who doesn’t know the ways of modern living. I was part of a peaceful organization dedicated to spread the message of Islam; the moderate or balanced version of it at least, it was obviously a preaching organization and I was its most forward member but then I began to notice signs of extremism and that created a problem. I was born Muslim but I did not just take Islam as my heritage dictated I embraced it of my own free will. Islam is a wonderful religion if you know the right version of it. The females in our jurisdiction are programmed in the same way. Males are portrayed as potential rapists or like dogs waiting to pounce on them. A female is led to believe that males have no natural theory of selection meaning they do not have any standards and they have zero options so they would go for any female since every female is the most beautiful gorgeous hot and sexy girl in the whole world for all time so even a 95 year old woman who has decayed into a skeleton would flatter herself like that and would actually have an army of her family and relatives protecting her more than a high profile target like the British Queen because obviously every man dreams of raping a 95 year old woman right? Even when she is going to the hospital for a routine medical health analysis. But the most ironic part of this situation is that the massive level of confusion and conformity that is plaguing our nation includes people with diversity and versatility in such a way that one female cousin of mine would stay 20 feet away from me because I am a male while the other would get upset with me if I don’t kiss her in front of 20 males. Yeah, try to figure that one out. A female is taught to believe that if she speaks to any male other than her father, brother, husband or son God would strike her with lightning and she would burst into flames. I was taught that if I even looked at a female I was going to be vaporized with lightning speed. Even thinking about females was considered a sin. I liked girls from a young age and I always wanted to get married and have a family. Who doesn’t, which brings us to the issue of marriage. Before I tell you my story further, let me tell you how the system of marriage works in my country. It is obviously none other than the system of arranged marriage integrated down to its roots in any patriarchal society. The definition of arranged marriage according to my ideological philosophy is a hypocritical mechanism of a prostitution industry integrated and assimilated by the shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of financial situations and reproductive organs. Initially the system wasn’t so bad because it was based on morality and the priorities were straight, selections were made according to suitability, a boy or a girl or a man or a woman were selected according to personality and behavior rather than wealth or title. It was a great facility that was useful to the people who are not able to find a suitable spouse on their own. Now this system has been corrupted as well and the lust and greed for power and influence has destroyed the foundations of this great institution. If you even remotely have the luxury to think that you have got a fair opportunity of having the right to have an idea of a few standards and options in getting a suitable worthy marriage partner or even sending a proposal to a potential spouse in my country; you need to know that it has become more difficult than getting into NASA. Trust me I was looking at the requirements for the organization and I am eligible for it but you would be surprised that even a person like me with a great resume is getting trouble finding a wife. Marriage is now getting out of the range of all the people in the vicinity of the middle classes every second of everyday due to the misbalance in the salary and inflation with the demand and supply of a female’s ever raising expensive and luxurious tastes and her selfishness and materialism. First the only way you can get married in my country is through arranged marriage most of the time; that is where you can send or receive the best proposals; after that you’re options keep on getting lesser and with the passage of time goes down to zero. Your whole life could get destroyed just because you breathed in the wrong manner. Arranged marriages are now done in my country according to fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power and influence. For example a female does not want a man she wants a god. She would want him to have a huge set of muscles and he should be as pretty as a Hollywood actor otherwise you don’t stand a chance. Majority of the times the rich guys always win and take away the prettiest ones and then the rest are left for the lower classes. Yes, our society runs on class systems and status quos. Rank, position, standing, grade, category, group, type, order, level or stage they are all taken into measurement according to a design algorithm or a mathematical formula. Along with that religion, race, color, creed, faction, family, district, town, province, state, city, sector even neighborhood affects your variables in the statistical probability of your selection process. I am an eligible bachelor but I was rejected just because my sister got divorced; imagine that. That’s right; if any sibling inside your family gets divorced the rest of the members will not get a fair opportunity to send or receive proposals, it is an immediate disqualification. Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one. I know! If there is a hell on the face of this entire planet, it is this place. It is absolutely unfair and unjust, but that’s how a hypocritical society works. If you want to send a good proposal to a good family, you need to have at least a 90 by 90 square feet plot on which you should build a 16 bedroom mansion, with a front lawn and a back yard, 2 vehicles like a sporty and a luxury one, 8 servants and 480000 bucks per month salary. In a poor country like mine where thousands of people are dying due to starvation and living on less than a dollar a day, that is quite a luxurious demand of a female spouse from her male provider especially at the age of 24 when he has just post graduated from university. Nobody in the whole world can fulfill this demand on his own unless he is the son of a rich tycoon which proves my earlier points. What does the girl do? Nothing. Females in my country are used only as pleasure machines and off spring producing industrial factories. The faith and belief of a girl revolves around money and penis; in fact she measures the size of your penis according to the size of your bank account. She only respects 2 types of men; one whose money their under and the other whose penis their under. You have to wear a Ralph Lauren and come out of a Ferrari to be taken seriously in the higher classes and that’s where I have been all my life, now trying to fit in there is getting absolutely impossible and I can’t go anywhere else because I would not be welcome or would not even fit in because of the limitation in the mindset of their traditional circle. They only bring in people of their own kind and my kind is already quite different. Majority of the females in my part of town just eat, drink, sleep, excrete, have sex, make babies and do shopping. They treat you impolitely and furiously all the time and they behave horribly and terribly if things are not going according to their will. I always take great care of my mental and physical health and fitness, but it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day people are still going to judge you on your natural weight and height on which you have no control. That is what I don’t understand that why in this modern day and age we are still so shallow and superficial that we judge people on their physical appearances or on any factor that you don’t even have any control over. I didn’t have any control over my sister’s relationship and neither did she yet I got punished for it. Now people have a problem with my anatomical mechanics. I have got an impressive sport record even then people think that I am weak because I have an athletic figure which is lesser than the ideal figure of WWE Wrestlers like Dwayne Johnson. Unfortunately I don’t want to become Dwayne Johnson so my natural theory of selection becomes unacceptable. Girls in my world have been brainwashed by all kinds of international media who dictates how beauty should look like but even though genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individuals know that beauty is a matter of relative perspective they still fall back into the same primitive patterns of finding suitable mates according to weight and height as their ancestors did thousands of years ago. My weight and height is medium and that is supposed to be ideal according to the field of medicine but it’s just not good enough for females in my jurisdiction of the world. If you look at the history of beauty, the perspectives have modified themselves on different shades and angles. 10000 years ago the concept of beauty was totally different from what we have now; a male was thought to be handsome if he had sensitive features and an athletic figure and men of larger sizes were considered unattractive and repulsive. If you need some evidence you can look at the art work from even the renaissance period and you would be able to see like as in the paintings of David and Goliath. David was made to look beautiful by his sensitive features and his athletic figure where as Goliath was made to look unattractive by showing him as a huge hulk type figure with more broader and sharper jaw line features. If you look at the famous statue of The David designed by Michelangelo you would notice that he also has an athletic figure. I in fact look just like the statue but unfortunately what was considered a sign of beauty is now unacceptable in this day and age. I guess I just ended up in the wrong timeline. Point is that there is no specific formula for measuring beauty. Scientists have tried to measure it by putting a theorem on the facial anatomy and giving it a value of 1.618. 1.618 is known as Phi (and also as the Golden Ratio, Golden Mean, Golden Section and Divine Proportion) and its mathematical cousin, the Fibonacci sequence. Things get even more complicated when you start facing problems with your job, career, business and trade. Point is I make lots of money but it is just not that good enough for my type of people. Females in my group practice what is called hypergamy which is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. This puts my situation in trouble obviously. On top of that my proposals usually get rejected because the statistical probability of the future prospects of my job do not achieve an acceptable value meaning that I am being targeted for something that might have a logical basis but has no moral value. How can we predict what going to happen in the next 20 years when we don’t even know what is going to happen in the next 20 seconds. I thought a perfect relationship could be achieved by the mental and physical compatibility that synchronizes with each other’s personality and behavior at a simultaneous quantum or period of time and space. It is not a high standard but quite a simple one in which you just have to be yourself. I am not saying that money is not important but there should be a balance between your analytical and emotional paradigms and between your robotics and humanity. I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen everywhere because then we would all be in trouble. I have worked and done business with foreigners and I have talked with them and asked them lots of questions in regards with dating and marriage and they tell me a few similar things from my part of town but not so messed up as my situation. From what I have been told you don’t need to make an appointment with the security council to issue a written permission to pass a bill in the senate to offer an opportunity to interact with a member of an opposite sex. In order to talk to a girl you don’t have to plead with the father for permission. You can approach a girl and just say "What’s Up" and that would be just fine as she would not shoot you in the head. You don’t need to fulfill the 12 tasks of Hercules before getting a date with a nice girl. I always imagined and dreamed myself of one day being a groom and seeing my bride walk down the path towards me, making my parents proud and becoming an acceptable and respectable member of my society. Giving my parents grandsons and forwarding my legacy, but I guess that is not going to happen. I have been stereotypically labeled as a failed person who has inadequate masculinity and does not deserve any happiness or peace in his life. The only thing left for me now is a slow and painful death; a life of despair and loneliness. I have become a subject of humor in my relatives. They absurdly find it quite hilarious that I am still a virgin. I do not have a girl friend. I do not have the option of dating. The only way I can get near a girl is if I get married to her and that is not going to happen. There are a few other facilities but those are also not applicable and would not work because they still need the permission of your parents. My parents have technically disowned me because I wasn’t able to become the God child they always wanted. I live alone in a flat betrayed and rejected by the people I trusted and loved the most. I know how to solve these problems but taking advice from a professional is also recommended. They say even a signal to a wise person is good enough. That is what I need; I need to have the proper guidance and counseling tools to point me in the right direction which does not compromise my moral integrity. Point is that I know how to solve this problem in 24 different kinds of ways but I don’t want to lose my humanity in the process. I want to solve this but also remain truthful and honest about it. There are many people in the world who have gotten many things in life through unfair means and after having everything they still feel empty on the inside. They try to shield their hollowness by bridging the gap inside their personalities and behaviors by over compensating for their inferiority complex and low self esteem. I don’t want to be one of them. Another thing that I find quite fascinating is the insanity of looking down on somebody because of their sexual orientation or inclination. The most interesting of the ideology whose philosophical implications are tremendous is insulting, patronizing, disrespecting and humiliating someone on the basis of their sexuality stage like the phase of virginity. I have absolutely no idea why people make fun of virgins. It has no logical or rational basis. Everybody is born a virgin. It is not up to them to decide who, what, when, where, why, which and how are they going to lose it and even if it is, shouldn’t it be their prerogative. Virginity is an idea of again labeling your sexual status which is your private affair. Nobody should have the right to admonish or isolate you on that. It has become a symbol of discrimination in the whole world. The most shocking thing is that it has become a symbol of ridicule even in Islamic Muslim conservative countries like mine where fornication, adultery, promiscuity and infidelity are regarded as the most repulsive acts of human vices. Even then there are people in my neighborhood who look down upon me because I am still a virgin. That doesn’t make any sense when I do not have the luxury of even having a fair chance at interacting with a member of an opposite sex since they are all covered up in 24 layers of clothing like a Burqa or Hijab and locked in the 4 walls of the house; well at least most of them. If even I was born in a western setting or a modern secular liberal free society of a developed country, it would still be a despicable act of self indulgent behavior or narcissistic pretentiousness if someone would harass or victimize somebody based on their sexual activity. It is like attacking somebody for not living on your base instinct of eating insects for proteins so that you can have the ultimate level of survival training as a benchmark for proving your masculinity and success as a person of a higher order of society. It is like being violent with someone because he or she is not using their reproductive organs according to your preferences or standards of life that you have created to measure something that does not have any basis of measurement for anything. There is no requirement in any field or department of any academic discipline or any job, career, business or trade that you are supposed to lose virginity. No religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum or system requires you to lose your virginity. In fact it is considered a sign of decency and nobility. There is a double standard in this as well. If you are a virgin male you are looked down upon as a failure or a loser, while if you are a female virgin you are considered quite desirable. Although this also has 4 combinations this can be a good thing or a bad thing for both males and females depending upon the place or area of the world they are living in. On the other hand if you are a promiscuous male then you are considered to be quite accomplished even if you may not have done anything else, but if you are a promiscuous female then you are considered to be a dirty slut. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s like a Shakespearean play. To love or not to love; that is the question. Even if you do decide to have sex then who should be the person. Obviously then you have to analyze the standards and options, which then brings you back to square one. No amount of success in your life will solve this problem because people will still think that there is something wrong with you. Newton, the most influential scientist in the world died a virgin, but I don’t see anybody throwing his work out of the window. Jesus was a virgin; I don’t see any anthropologist, archaeologist, historian, poet, writer, philosopher, ideologist, sociologist or theologist targeting him on that quality. What if you do lose your virginity; what then, does that prove anything except that now you are not a virgin anymore and would that solve our problem; not really, because then you would need a regular or a permanent relationship which again has double standards and relative perspectives. Losing virginity does not signify how much regularity of sex you have and neither can anybody measure that according to any standard, because there is no equipment, instrument, gauge or device that can measure the level of satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or peace of your relationship. Neither there is any ranking or rating or classification or categorization that can prove that your sexual proficiency in synchronization with your mental aptitude of your ultimate standard has given you the best sex you can ever have with someone. What you do with your partner mentally or physically is only acceptable according to your own understanding of your idea of a romantic involvement which is only acceptable to you on your own grounds. Jean Simmons claims to have made love to 4800 women in his 24 year music career; Justin Bieber has had sex with 40 women up till the age of 20, but then how do we measure the standards of those women and what was the satisfaction level of the sexual interactivity. So what I am trying to say is how much sex an average person should get in his lifetime to become socially acceptable. I know that there are some people out there who are genuinely in love and are having the best relationship but I also believe that sex is something that people usually get very less and it fades away really quickly. Why do you think that majority of the musicians are in business for such a long time. Why do you think that majority of the top 50 billboard songs always revolve around sex. Just think about it. The conclusions that people draw from somebody’s virginity are also very ridiculous. If somebody is a virgin, it may be due to different reasons on which he or she may not have any control or it might not be their fault to really begin with, in the first place anyway. Just think about it, if people get to know or find out that you are a virgin it is automatically judged in the most harsh manner imaginable. It is like the worst sin ever committed in human history more brutal than Adolph Hitler’s World War II that killed 48 million people. If you are a virgin you are qualified to be stereotypically labeled by the whole world on an international level according to a similar tradition of unorthodox logic, rationale, nature or instinct that you are a horrible and a terrible person who deserves to be lynched, staked, crucified, burned or vaporized due to the reason that you might be a freaky, geeky, dorky, nerdy person who might be a pervert and if he is a pervert then he might be a stalker and if he is a stalker then he might be a molester and if he is a molester then he might be a pedophile and if he is a pedophile then he might be a rapist so we should just kill him before he does anything wrong. That is how the stereotyping average regular human mind works. When you lose everything and hit rock bottom, one of the last things that go before darkness takes over you is none other than your faith. I am hanging on the last ray of hope and final string of faith. I have seen that in this loveless life of mine, everything is going to go against you. Your friends will betray you, your family will disown you, your mentors will admonish you, your teachers will humiliate you, your relatives will disrespect you, your partners will deceive you, your government would abandon you and your nation would vilify you because you did not synchronize with their hypocritical principles. On top of that your job, career, business and trade get destroyed, you start suffering from mental and physical diseases and illnesses, you lose you wealth and then your health, your fate goes rogue and your destiny becomes illusive, you become partially blind with floaters and then you start suffering from high levels of anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension and the doctors give you a death sentence that if you don’t get treated you might actually die of a nervous breakdown or a tendency to commit suicide. So if a person unfortunately gets involved in this kind of situation, I think that his faith would be one of the many things that would get negatively affected. Let’s put this thought into perspective; the ultimate question that every individual asks is why did this happen to me. The answer has many variables but the simplest one is that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and your heredity and genetics were screwed from the very beginning resulting in a design that was following a destructive pattern of entropy from the foundation of its origin. But then the God variable comes in the form of divine intervention projecting the ideology of changing your fate by making your own destiny by showing your own resolve and praying to God that he will pardon your sins and reward you of your righteous deeds and take away your pain and suffering and make you whole again and then give you back your health and then your wealth and then your success and your purpose and your love for morality and humanity. But as it turns out, this pornographic fantasy does not work that way. I was actually betrayed by my Islamic clerics who deceived me with their lies that if I pray hard enough, my problems and my troubles will go away. That did not happen and things just got worse no matter how hard I tried to rectify them. So a person asks what in the name of God’s heaven is going on. If this life is an examination then why would God help us in the first place anyway and if we are going to get what is written in our fate then what is the point of praying in the first place anyway. This makes you feel disappointed as you feel like God has forsaken you. The most genuine and original form of Islamic guilt. You feel as though you either did not do enough service for him or maybe he just doesn’t love you that much. My whole life has been a Muay Thai Kick Boxing Tournament with God every second of everyday for 24 hours since the day I was born up till the day I die. I should probably get this written on my tombstone. Nothing has ever been that easy for me. Even the simplest of things have proved themselves to be nightmares because you have to fight your way through 10 barricades of different types of obstacles for fulfilling one task that should take just one second but somehow ends up taking the whole bloody year because you’re living in a hellish place with stupid people. I feel like Odysseus fighting twelve Gods at the same time. I just don’t find that fair but as it turns out life is not fair. I believe that if we are progressing and evolving through our understanding of our purpose and existence then I believe a higher from of intelligence like God who is our creator would also be progressing and evolving like us but on a higher level. God just looks to me as a research scientist who is playing a game of chess with us as his pawns. The only difference is that we have got free will. The important question is that what my purpose is in his grand design. How do I decipher the design matrix of God so that I can transcend from my inquisitive state and move forward with my spiritualism? A person of faith like me who’s only friend left was none except God and now he feels as though even He has forsaken him brings forth the ultimate purity of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of communication; it is the absence of intimacy. Everybody wants to have a friendship or relationship that has a foundation built on either benefits or pleasure or humanity or goodness that helps you become a better person and makes you want to strive ahead to live life to the fullest even if the odds are stacked up against you. Unfortunately according to my experience, I have noticed that you are born alone and you die alone, and nobody cares about you or is coming for you. After a little while everything just seems pointless; you lose your inspiration and motivation and everything becomes so meaningless in such a way that all of your ambitions, passions, targets and goals just don’t really matter anymore. It just gets so difficult to get up in the morning and life starts feeling like a burden. Your sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings become warped and you integrate with anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension. Work is no longer fun and fun is more work. You don’t feel like enjoying your life when you feel miserable all the time. You start thinking like a dark, negative, cynical and pessimistic brute. Everything is so blurry and everybody is so fake. You feel empty or hollow. You don’t want to indulge yourself in anything because it has no meaning. You start hating everything and everybody. It is like a downward spiral. You’re afraid that something bad is always going to happen no matter what you do because you are just stuck in a fix that you can’t get out of. It feels like you’re trapped. It feels like you’re in a quicksand and you are slowly drowning. You start thinking about death and sometimes you just wish that you were buried in your grave. Sometimes you just wish that you went to sleep and never woke up. You don’t feel alive anymore and you see only the whole world burning down in front of you. Why am I feeling this way? It doesn’t make any sense. Should I reprogram myself into becoming a robot again? I have got 2 options in my life. I can either become the most indestructible and unbreakable organic machine devoid of any sensitive emotion and lose my humanity or gain my humanity to lose my power and gain a world of pain and suffering only to feel alive and find a meaningful purpose of my existence. Do I submit to my pride and live in loneliness or do I surrender to love and live in pain? Who am I and what am I doing here? These questions have always bothered me. There is no easy answer. Do I live alone for the rest of my life and never have to worry about hurting or getting hurt by anybody ever again without any distractions or limitations? Or do I find somebody to have a meaningful relationship with, only to know that she wasn’t the one that I was looking for and everything that she pretended to be or I thought that she had was just a mirage or an illusion, enough to make me realize that my whole bondage was a dream in fact my whole sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings towards her were just a projection of a fantasy that wasn’t real? Then the ultimate question originates about how do I find out what is real in this world? Do I take a leap of faith or measure the hope of getting real love according to a formula revolving around a theory from all forms of natural sciences like physics, mathematics, chemistry or biology? Would I ever be able to calculate who, what, when, where, why, which and how would I be able to acquire what real love is or should, could or would be? What is love in the first place anyway? According to the oxford dictionary and the explanation in philosophy books, love is a thought of unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the well being of another person. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Love is so much more than that and no matter how hard you try you can’t really calculate it, because it is embedded deep into the core of our consciousness with different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that are changing so much faster than the speed of light that even time reverses itself in the fourth dimension. I guess love and time have got an intricate relationship that goes beyond our truth and reality. Which triggers my desire to learn more about it in such a way that it becomes an obsession, until my mind wants to be a part of it because it gives me a reason to live. Am I being illogical or am I following my instincts for the first time in my life since becoming self aware? Is love really the defining factor of my humanity that is rejuvenating my morality or vice versa or my digital circuits have been integrated with an anomaly or are facing a temporary glitch? Is love really a self aware conscious thought or is it just a biochemical instability or hormonal imbalance that assimilates feelings of reproduction for the survival of the species. The more mysterious this emotion is the more it intrigues me and its fascination invokes the desire for its acquisition. Is it too much to ask from this unforgiving world? Am I not just trying to be known to someone special and be important for her so that I can fit the missing pieces of the puzzle and find a broader purpose for my existence? Is it so hard for this world to accommodate me? Would I ever be able to achieve my target and reach my destination? I guess only I can answer this question. No matter how hard I try to resist this emotion due to my bitter experiences, it still finds me and when I give in to it, it just tears me apart again. But the beauty of it is that you always want it even more. The irony is that it is so difficult to find and even if you do find it, it will ultimately fade away. But I still try very hard to put myself in a situation or position to prepare for it again so that I can take the first step towards beginning this journey, even though life itself is not giving me this opportunity and fate itself is trying its level best to stop me. Love is kind of like a journey of finding yourself; when you find yourself, you find love because they are the same thing. How do I find love in this unforgiving environment that I am living in? That is the ultimate question. My friend’s story was quite similar with a disastrous ending. He was a good person; did all the right things and made all the right moves. He couldn’t get a job and nobody tried to help him, instead his family blamed him for everything and nothing he did was ever good enough. On top of that his other friends made fun of his virginity and told him what a loser he was because they got married and were making love to beautiful women while he was a useless and worthless piece of garbage who had absolutely no future prospects. He started working as usual in a low paying dead end job and with no labor laws and no designation of minimal wages, the organization exploited his situation and made him work down to the bone until his mental and physical health and fitness started getting irreparable damage. They paid him absolutely nothing even when his internship had finished and he was a permanent employee. Instead he was paying them to gain experience. That is how corrupt our government and private sector are. He was doing 4 jobs at one time in which he was getting less than minimal pay for 2 jobs from which he was paying the other 2 jobs related to his qualification field so that he can progress in them by gaining experience in these jobs and so that he could build a future. Even after working like a zombie robot and getting treated like an animal he stayed strong and prayed for things to get better but to no avail. After working like a slave for these monsters it was all in vain and his efforts were futile. He was barely able to afford his rent and his family had disowned him and with no facilities like social security, medical insurance, career counseling, unemployment stipend or welfare support which are considered as necessities in developed countries but are luxuries in underdeveloped fourth world countries like ours, he was headed towards an armageddon which he won’t be able to survive. In our country even electricity, gas, water, phone and internet are considered as luxuries. We get sometimes 24 to 48 hours of load shedding or power blackouts in our country. Finally the alienation and isolation took his toll on him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He decided one day to finish it and ended up committing suicide. All he ever wanted was to love someone and be loved in return of his and her own free will. Was that too much of a high demand? In millions of women available, not one could find an eligible bachelor like him worthy enough? Does he necessarily have to finish the 12 tasks of Hercules? Does he really need to become a God? I don’t want to end up like my friend. I always wanted to have a normal life even though being a normal person is such a relative perspective. I don’t even know who I am anymore and when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what do you want, where do you want to go, when are you going to get there, why are you doing this, which option is the best and how are you going to solve it. I don’t know whether I want to be with anybody anymore. Should I be alone and preserve my humanity or should I be rejected and lose my morality. How do I know and how do I tell? Is it moral to be alone or is it inhumane to be rejected? I know people can learn how to survive alone if they make a conscious decision or if they have no choice. I still have a choice but do I really deserve to be with someone? Do the rules of philosophy or psychology dictate that I need to be with someone to progress and evolve? And if they do then what is the logic behind it? And if it is settled then how do I be with someone? I haven’t been taught courtship or companionship. I do not have a doctoral thesis or theoretical experience in the field of female sexuality, dating, sociology, psychology or philosophy with which I could develop interpersonal relationships. I have never even talked to a girl in my life except in situations in which there was a work requirement in university or office and I live in a conservative country. I am 28 years old and I have never even looked, talked, walked, touched or kissed a girl in my whole life. I mean all of this in terms of having a meaningful communication or a thoughtful connection. After living a straight and formal life, I have been stereotypically labeled by my family and friends as a homosexual, a womanizer, a pedophile and a rapist but the ironic or poetic part of this situation is that I am a virgin. My mental and physical health and fitness are going down which means that if this deterioration keeps progressing on a mathematical formula then I am probably going to die a virgin. All I need is a fair chance at life; is it too much to ask? I don’t even know how it feels like to be touched by a woman. It’s not like I don’t have money; I do, but I am not a super rich guy and it is unfair that I need to have huge loads of money so that I can buy a wife for myself. Majority of the girls in my country do not use dating websites in fact they don’t even use the internet mainly because of the reason that they are either illiterate or too backward for using that technology. The few girls that do use the internet and even fewer who might use a dating website have got even higher standards of demands from their potential spouses. Meaning at the end of the day in order to put the long story in a shorter version, there isn’t much left to deal with in the first place to even begin with anyway. There is a massive shortage of women and even a larger shortage of good women. I do not have a degree in psychology or sexuality and I have absolutely no idea how to talk to a woman as I have lived in a guarded and segregated environment. How would I be able to make a woman fall in love with me when I don’t even know how to talk to them? They are totally different from us in many fields and departments of life. One of my biggest fears in life now is loneliness but on top of that are also people. How can I fight both fears that are polar opposites and are working against each other to facilitate my safe zone but also torturing my preservation of a healthy life. Am I supposed to just survive or do I deserve to be happy? Do people like us never find peace and keep on suffering in pain till the last breath of their lives? Should I just give up all hope and learn to live with my demons or is there a way out? Should I do the right thing and feel miserable or should I do the wrong thing and think that I am satisfied? Should I do the wrong thing and think that I am doing it for good or should I do the right thing and feel that I am doing it for evil? Should I rather be hated for telling the truth or be loved for telling falsehood? Should I rather prefer to live in a reality that is a nightmare or an illusion that is a dream?
  3. Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.
  4. Hello, this is going to be a long read with no tl;dr. I'm sorry, I just don't feel like condensing. I feel as the entire story needs to be read. So, I guess I should start with a condensed biography between both of us before I get to the story. For me, I'm a tormented lost soul. I was molested as a young child, I hid this demon inside for a very long time up until the point where I decided killing myself would be the best option. I attempted overdosing on oxycodone and hydrocodone. Clearly, I failed. Which I'm okay with right now. I've seen therapists, and I still feel so lost. Medication didn't help. I feel as I'm no good. I tried killing myself only a couple days before my birthday. I became numb, very apathetic and had zero capabilities of showing emotion up until I met my now ex-girlfriend. For her, she's just as tormented as I am. She was molested as well, she lost her sister to suicide, her moms a deadbeat who only wants money, her dad just died recently and she's sad she didn't pursue a connection between each other before he passed. Now for the reason I'm posting. My girlfriend and I were together for 5 years, on/off (mainly due to me because I'm shortsighted and dumb). In the beginning, things were good. We had a healthy relationship I would say, we had an intimate connection. Sexually and mentally, things were good for a good time. We were obviously still on/off, but we always had this connection between each other. I was still fighting my demon. She was there for when I tried killing myself. This last time we broke up, everything was different. Before we broke up, I turned dark and cold-hearted towards her primarily, but everyone else around me. I was controlling, abusive mentally and physically, mean. I suppressed my emotions and didn't try to actively heal on them.. instead I projected them onto the people around me.. but primarily her. I don't know how she stuck around for so long, I was so fucking mean I can't stand myself. I stopped calling her beautiful, but instead I called her ugly, even though she was the most gorgeous girl on this planet. I controlled who she hung out with, I never let her have fun or be with friends. I didn't show her the respect and love she deserved. I was physically abusive at times. I would grab her arm, or her stomach one time. But the main thing that set her over the edge was me chucking a wallet at her, which hit her in the face. I never punched her in her face or anything else.. although this doesn't change the damage I did. I had lost my sexual desire in general. We rarely had sex. I always made her cry. I stopped showing that I cared about her. Instead, I start projecting my monster towards her because I didn't know what else to do. This wasn't acceptable in any fashion. I regret everything, and would go back in time to change everything I did to her. She left me, which she had every single right to do so. She didn't deserve to endure my physically and mental abuse. It's so saddening to me that I only realized my damage.. after she left. I would change everything in this world if I could have changed prior to her leaving. My problem is I seek happiness in others, before myself. She left to better herself, to focus on herself. I don't hate her for anything she did. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself for what I did. I am no better than those who abused us as kids. I physically and mentally hurt her just like we were hurt. I projected my anger out on everything around me. I'm not lost because she's gone, I'm lost because I hurt someone enough to push them to their limit just to leave. I feel no better than those monsters out there. She won't text me back, which is going to be okay in the end I just can't accept everything. It happened so fast. This was a garbage Christmas, and it'll be a garbage start to a new year. Nothing can change what I did to her, she can forgive me but she will never forget. I'm just lost with myself now. I don't know what to do. I want to change, but it's so hard to change. I am broke.
  5. Small

    Depression, Guilt & Regret

    When I was in primary school, I had never come to know any serious sadness. Looking back now and even then, my life felt like a Utopia - most of which I probably just made up in my mind. Of course I was extremely quiet and loved isolation - my parents recall that I would worry incessantly about the smallest things & that they would often find sitting alone in the dark. It was around the age of 12 or 13 that I began to experience guilt & regret. And here's the thing. It's like the guilt and regret is intrinsic to my essence - and occurs in me abundantly & independently of actual life events, and latch on to anything to make me extremely sad. If I were to address a situation that I am feeling guilty about - the guilt would simply attach itself to something else. It never goes away. Just moves from place to place. I didn't mean to pick on guilt, I worry, stress, and regret things that in actuality might be trivial, although some I admit are substantial. I can't escape from these feelings. I am DROWNING in every waking moment. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you cope?
  6. VilleLipponen

    I want to overcome my anziety

    My wife left me because of my small penis. She had never confirmed it, but the signs were obvious and she had remarried and is now with a man who is very well endowed. This had damaged my self esteem, my personal image, my personality - i've become dull and negative, and had damaged my nervous system - i now live between panic attacks. I want to find a way to not care about it, just dismiss the fact that i am rejected by the opposite gender, that my kids have a stepfather who they live with, because i was physically not enough. I thought of committing suicide. I came very close to it, i think, and that is when my attacks started happening - i felt that i did not want to die but also had to do something about my situation and the only thing that i could do was to kill myself (i am not promoting that). (i had a noose tied up and was going to hang myself in a sitting position. i stayed home that day, to work from home, knowing that i am staying to try and go through with it. i lack imagination - i don't know why i stayed home for that because this could have been done anywhere. that morning i kept debating with myself whether there is another way, another action that i could take ... that was all i could come up with. eventually i noticed that my heart was going extremely fast, that i was unable to move my arms because they were numb and ... i blacked out for a second ... like everything just goes blank and black, you loose control over all muscles, i started falling, i shook myself out of it, jumped, ran outside, it happened again - another blank, fell on my knees, came back to it, i though it was a heart attack ... neighbors called an ambulance. this was on April 04. i still have these attacks once in a while) So ... i am still unable to pry off the "i have a small penis" tiara of my head I want to find a way to not hate and want my ex wife back (a very confusing emotion). I want to be able to accept the rejection, and find a way to be happy or indifferent. I also don't want to be rejected by the opposite gender and what i want is to genuinely believe women if they were to accept me ... i am sort of loosing my mind over this because i am deeply convinced that all women will discriminate against me and humiliate me and also think that somehow i should keep trying to move on and try being in a relationship, which i don't know whether i deserve, if my hypothetical partner would be giving up pleasure ... it is very confusing - i feel entitled and selfish ... and what i want to feel is "what a great day has this day been. look how much i've done and achieved", even if i am alone for the rest of my life. How do i get there? Thanks
  7. Guest

    Hello everyone

    Hi everybody. Got bullied a lot growing up, teased in the locker room, etc. Hope to share in experiences, advice, moral support
  8. lookingforafriend

    Just PM me fellow SPS guys.

    Please PM me brothers. I have a plan - we will get through this together. SPS will unite us - we are strong together.
  9. Flower Bobo

    Cant handle yelling

    My moms a good lady but she yells a lot. She's been bey stressed ever since my dad died after being unemployed for 6 months. When that happened she had to scramble to get a job and could no longer be a stay at home mom. She's very frustrated with me bc I never ever clean ever. I know it's bad I just have zero motivation. But anyways, she yells at me a lot and she says typical parental punishment threats like "If you don't clean up down here I'll throw away everything laying out!" And she never ever acts on it and she loves me very much but I still get so anxious when she yells. Like anytime she yells at me, no matter how long or short it is I start to panic and get really sick and have irrational thoughts she wants to kill me. (she'd never do that and she's never laid a hand on me) she does her best and I love her a lot but I still need help managing my anxiety in response to yelling.. (please don't call my momma abusive shes a good person and saying that will give me an anxiety attack)
  10. backtrack95

    Lost and in need of direction.

    Warning y'all now that this is a long one and PLEASE do not judge me. I am a very suffer in silence kind of gal. I cannot stand talking about my problems, even with the people I love. So, here I am turning to all of you wonderful strangers here on the Internet. And I gotta say, I never thought I'd be doing this. As long as I can remember I've suffered from depression and low self-esteem. Even when I was a little girl. My father, while we speak now, was never around until I was 15 and thus I have always had this deep set feeling of abandonment. Then my mother struggles with depression and bi-polar disorder, which I'm almost positive I inherited from her, and when I was in high school she had a very bad time with it- and took it all out on me. I think I talked her out of suicide 2-3 times and I lost track of the amount of times she had called me 'a little bitch' in return. I actually didn't realize it until recently, because we get along now, but she emotionally abused the hell out of me. And never even said sorry. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she firmly believes I brought it all on myself even though I was still practically a kid at the time. She kicked me out when I was 17 and I have been living with my grandparents ever since. I met a boy around that time, he is the love of my life and we have been together five years now. We both dropped out of school and we are very hard workers to make up for it. But we are also wildly prone to substance abuse. Thankfully, our work ethic hasn't suffered, but our personal lives have. Over the past five years we have had a lot of fun while also trying to get our lives together and started, though it is obvious now that our partying has turned into a huge problem. I have taken LSD probably about 30, maybe even 40 times now. I'm not exaggerating. Recently, I have gotten into cocaine. I drink heavily. I wouldn't say I am an alcoholic, but I have polished off a bottle of whiskey in two days more times than I care to admit. I can't believe how hard it is to stop doing all that, but it really is. More recently, it was brought to my attention that my boyfriend is in fact an alcoholic- because he cheated on me not once but 3 times with the same girl. Just when I was already feeling down about myself and my life, more than I ever have, this happens. I believe him when he says he was blackout drunk when they fucked but sometimes, in the back of my mind, I wonder just how truthful that is. Doesn't help that the heartbreak hasn't really mended. I do fully believe him when he says he still loves me. I wish you guys could see how much he does. Though now I can't fucking stand myself. I thought my relationship was the one good thing I had going for me in my life right now and even that is fucked up. I'm 21 now and I don't have my license yet. On top of that, I keep talking about how I'm going to go to college because I'm a very creative, compassionate, empathetic person and I want to be a nurse, a social worker, maybe even a journalist or just anything where I can help people. And I realize first I need to figure out how to help myself. My mental health has declined more dramatically than ever in the past few months and I can tell not just because of the complete lack of interest in my hobbies (I love writing and drawing), intense sadness, insomnia, substance abuse and random outbursts of anger but I have also severely isolated my family and my closest friends. I see all these people I went to high school with, traveling, starting their careers, looking good and being happy. And here I am on a website trying to get help from strangers because my life and my body, mentally and physically, is so messed up. I'm at a point now where I'm like- god, what have I done? Who am I? Will it ever get better? You guys have to believe me when I say I'm a good, ambitious person and I truly have tried to make my life better, and find that sense of independence, over the past 4-5 years. I swear, I have. And I wasn't bullshitting when I said I work hard as hell. It's just... my mental health has gotten in the way of almost everything. It's so scary. Especially because I didn't even realize that until very recently. I don't have health insurance and I live in America. So I can't see a therapist. I have bad memories of seeing therapists when I was a child so I don't know if that would help anyway. I feel like I am trapped in a dark room of closed, locked doors and I lost my key to one of them a long time ago. Now I'm stuck in my own life that has no meaning. I have never felt so lonely and hated myself more than I do now. I just don't know what to do. This is me admitting that I need help. So can someone please just... point me in the right direction?
  11. Hello, my name is Lauren. I have Dysthymia, OCD, and acute anxiety. I have a hard time making friends because I honestly think everyone hates me, but my therapist said I should try connecting to others with similar problems to me, so, here I am. I'm 23, married, and I hate myself. Who can relate?
  12. Flower Bobo

    Meds trouble

    So I was on .5mg of risperidone and 100mg of sertraline, but I was having some side effects. The risperidone caused me to gain a lot of weight and the sertraline um... decreased libido. I was rlly unhappy with this and complained to my psychiatrist. She switched me to 1mg Guanfacine and 50mg sertraline. So my problem is that 2 days after I started, I started having dry mouth (a side effect of guanfacine apparently) and I had an anxiety attack bc I was afraid I was getting diabetes. I've gotten over that but I still have dry mouth and have been feeling a lot more anxious than I used to before switching. I'm really not happy with how I'm feeling (the dry mouth sucks and I hate it and having an anxiety attack for a week isn't fun either) I fear that the dry mouth side effect will never go away and I'm also scared that Ill never find a medicine that'll help me or that I'll have to go back on risperidone (bc again, weight gain is not what I need) please help me, thanks!
  13. Lately I've been living in fear. The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old. I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray. At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age. The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair. Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this. The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this. I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever. Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future. I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading nonetheless
  14. CheldonMK

    Hello Friends!

    I'm Cheldon (Yes that's my real name. My mom gave it to me for my birthday) I came here because I don't get a lot of emotional and mental support at home. My family loves me, they just don't really know how to be supportive of me despite my illnesses. I have Bipolar Disorder Type 2, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) I need support from people who understand what it's like and know where I'm coming from. I also have a blog called Abnormal Grey Matter. Hopefully, we can all learn from and support eachother.
  15. passionfruit3

    Old panics

    Im starting to have old panics today i went to lunch with my dad and brother and we went to this cool nature reserve and now im just in full panic cause i feel my dad is doing this cause he doesn't know how much time he has left with us his brothers all died in there fiftys hes fifty one now. He gave me a photo of when he was younger.hes doing all these good things for people feeding and giving water to homeless he even talks about losing his memory to old age.i cant live without him.we treated eachother badly at a time in my life.but if he goes i want to go to.my mother has my siblings i cant be without my dad even if i am closer to my mom.but if i just went in a few months from now maybe i coukd just remember both my parents and family as alive.i always. Screw up on things so i dont want to try but if i could find a way could i do it?i just wonder.
  16. passionfruit3

    Poem about how i feel

    I didn't win the poetry contest.but glad the pressure is over Still burning my hand almost like its part of the stove. Wish i could stop calling myself an addict and instead call myself clean.but i always dissapoint everyone.now i can go back and hide back in that hole and scream cause no will hear me or my pain.good cause i dont want to be noticed.the scars are shy.the blisters hide. And the outside is proud that i will never rise again.for if i did id surely break and it would be an inconvenience for them to fix me again and place me back into that hole.the only friends i have are bats waiting for me to weaken enough so they can eat me.its a better death. Than being eaten by the world.
  17. Anne70436

    I really need some help

    Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm writing because I would like some advice on my situation. I'm a teenager who has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. However, Im not sure if this is what I actually have, or if there might be something else. this is why I'm writing and seeking advice, because after thinking and contemplating about myself, I've decided that perhaps my worries might be true. I haven't talked to my psychiatrist about my mental health worries because it's hard to meet up with him right now. Please don't dismiss this as just a teenage phase or anything, because some of the things that are bothering me, such as my behaviour, have been present since I was a kid. I’m not saying that this isn’t a teenage problem, it could be, but it’s just that after a long time of reasoning with myself and introspective thinking, I think that I should consider this to be an issue that needs to be looked at. Sorry if this is really long, I'm in a terrible state right now with few people to turn to. My parents don’t understand, I’ve opened up to them many many times, but it’s just difficult. I am deeply grateful for any advice. Basically, this is about my behaviour and the symptoms I've been experiencing. I've always had a depressive, and introverted personality. I'm also imaginative, and I've never had that many friends, but I've never felt that my preference to be alone, or my behaviour or personality was ever an issue until I developed mental health issues during my teenage years. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, fantasizing about my own stories and other things and I would also say that I'm a bit of a messed up person, because my imagination tends to get quite dark, as I like to write about dark and profound fictional stories about the human experience and all that. People have stated that I'm weird, eccentric, and say weird things and the friends I had as a child also stated the same thing. I just assumed that I’m a creative person, but a lot of people do think I am weird, and I also have serious mental health issues, so I’m not confident in the fact that I should just embrace my crazy mind and be myself, because I’m pretty sure that my melancholic personality and tendency to fantasize all the time is one of the causes of my mental illness. I have difficulty making friends, like in terms of communication I just can't seem interesting enough to people or become close friends with them. People just talk to me for a while and our relationship is pretty superficial. Even the friends that I already have are closer to one another than they are to me. I would say that I’m not extremely hopeless in social skills because I can make surface-level friendships. But it’s just that I’ve lived a large portion of my life in solitude and the source of most of my social contact has been my family. A large portion of my life has been spent in my own head rather than with other people. When talking to people, I find it kind of draining to come up with something to say, and sometimes I can’t come up with anything interesting in order to continue a conversation without sounding too weird for other people. Or if i do come up with something to say, people would just nod, laugh a little, or comment a bit. It doesn’t feel like we have anything deeper developing between us, just small conversations that turn into silence eventually. I’m graduating from high school this year and the couple of friends that I have made from these past years aren’t people that I would feel comfortable divulging my deepest personal issues to, because we just aren’t that close. I feel like this behaviour isn't healthy or normal, and since I've developed mental health issues, it probably isn't. I also grew up with an autistic brother who's really low-functioning, but for a long time I've never felt that growing up in this environment was distressful or anything. It wasn't until when I suddenly developed mood and anxiety issues later on that I began to think carefully about my past, and the kind of personality that I have. I'm not sure if the behavioral traits I described above are just my innate personality, or if they're actually reactions to some kind of stress experienced during a young age, which eventually turned into my personality. I'm not sure what to think yet, whenever I assume it's just my personality and there’s nothing more to ponder about, I'm reminded of how different my past and present self are from my peers. They all have friends, enough social skills to get by in this world, and don't have such a dark personality with such dark thoughts at an age as young as 11, and they seem to be able to overcome the difficulties they have in life. Right now I have mood issues that are literally destroying my life, giving me weird symptoms, like irrational fears, so I can't settle on the fact that I just have an unique personality and I should just embrace it because my behaviour is causing great problems for me. Some parts of it I can embrace, but overall, my life is being ruined right now and I have a huge road ahead to walk, so I have to start improving my social skills and lessening my chances of having another anxiety relapse or another mental illness, or otherwise it will be an extremely hard life. When I was 12 years old, I read about schizophrenia because I was interested in psychology and thought about pursuing a career in it in the future. I did a predisposition test on it for fun back then, and some of the questions seemed eerily like me, and it had me seriously worried about myself. I didn't finish the test because I was alarmed by how some of the questions applied to me, like lack of friends, or interest in making friends, spending a lot of time in my head, not making sense when communicating, and being a fearful person. Sometimes people say that I don't make sense when I talk, usually when I'm cracking jokes. When people read my writing, they sometimes say that I don't make sense either, but this could probably be because I tend to think a lot. I also read that people who are predisposed or prone to developing psychotic disorders tend to be fearful individuals from a young age who have difficulties making frends, spend alot of time in their head, and show signs of depression at a young age. I never actually had depression in the mental illness sense as a child, but I had suicidal thoughts when I was 11 years old, but never acted on them or anything. It was just part of my dark thinking, and I also had some other disconcerting behaviours as a child as well. I was worried that I was prone to developing the disorder. it’s a spectrum, so I was worried that i might develop a milder type, since it’s less possible to get the more severe type. However, eventually I got over it and told myself that it was just a test, although developed by some kind of mental health institution, may not be an accurate measurement at all, and I'm just scaring myself for nothing. I had found that i identified with some of the traits of schizotypal personality disorder to varying degrees. It made me feel like I am just so messed up. Had I been an emotionally healthier person and still found that I identified with some of the traits, I wouldn’t have paid that much attention to it. But since I have so many issues, I wondered about the possibility. Eventually, I stopped thinking about these things and vowed to change the parts of my personality that might contribute to making my life miserable. I worked on my social skills, fantasized less and paid attention to how much anxiety I was feeling, as well to the types of thoughts I was having. I was able to live well without any mental health issues and worrying about schizophrenia and other mental health issues became nothing more than a little bump in my life. I truly thought that it was silly of me to pathologize myself like that and my quirks and behaviours are just part of who I am, not a mental illness. However, I developed mental health issues that made me reconsider all that. The first anxiety issue that I had experienced was when I was 15 years old. It got triggered when someone told me about sleep paralysis, about the hallucinations and the fear, and it invoked a visceral fear within me. I think that I was reminded of schizophrenia and of how fragile my own mind was, since I was easily scared by that test when everyone I talked to, like my parents and my friends didn't buy into things like that so easily. My fragility and how easily I get scared made me afraid that I might get something as terrifying as that. Eventually I snapped out of it, telling myself that I might not get it. I also left this episode behind as a little bump in my life. After this, I continued to work on some parts of my behaviour to reduce my likelihood of getting another episode of anxiety. I continued working on my personality. The reason why I have anxiety and depression right now is because of something very disconcerting that I had experienced 2 years ago. I've been experiencing mental health issues for two years now as a result of this even though I've tried reasoning with myself; the intense emotions didn't leave, even though I've changed my thought process, and also my mental state has completely changed. Basically what happened was that I was listening to a song I had recently found and began to really like. It ignited my creativity greatly and I just felt really great listening to it. But then one night a fragment of the song just got stuck in my head on repeat for the whole night. I couldn't dislodge it, or lessen the intensity. I tried singing it to the end, cocentrating on my breath and doing mindfulness breathing , and replacing it with another song, but it didn't help at all and the new song started getting a little stuck in my head as well. Eventually it got worser and I couldn't sleep for the whole night. There was no clear trigger to this. The day before this happened, I had felt relatively normal, just slightly more happier because of the song, and it also happened on the night before summer school started, but I didn’t feel extremely worried about it or anything. There was no cause for worry or stress, so stress and anxiety, one of the causes of stuck songs (earworms) that I had found online, didn’t apply to me. It occurred from within me, with no obvious trigger. The only answer I can come up for this is that I must have unwittingly lost control of my excited, or happy mood and I must have unconsciously felt anxious about summer school. Combined together, it caused this to happen. Now, every song I hear would get stuck in my head and occasionally my brain would repeat fragments of what people say. I don’t mind it now that I kind of got used to it, but I wasn’t like this in the past and these things just pop into my brain without my control. I know that stuck songs are common and that everyone gets them, and what I found online all state that having this is normal. But none of it stated anything about having it for the whole night, interfering with sleep and causing great distress. Eventually, I dug deeper and what I found was that people who experience severe song looping episodes already suffer from mental illnesses like OCD, or bipolar disorder. I was reluctant to pay any attention to bipolar disorder, but for OCD, I can see how my neurotic brain might be prone to obsessive thoughts since I already have anxiety. But then I read that creative people have a higher chance of suffering from bipolar disorder, and seeing how I already have moderate to severe anxiety and depression, I might be prone to mood disorders as well, since anxiety disorders are often comorbid with mood disorders. Some of my friends have also told me that my mood is either really high or really low, with no in betweens. This might be that I'm just an energetic person, since I've been pretty energetic as a kid, but considering the fact that I’m hypersensitive and moody as a child and I’ve also developed mental issues, I don’t know what to think. When I watch a movie or see something that excites me, I get shivers down my spine and my creative side gets stimulated too and my mood becomes high and it takes a while to come back down. This didn't happen that much when I was younger (my creativity would get stimulated, but my mood never took a while to return to normal) This only started becoming more prominent recently prior to my anxiety episode and during it. If mood was the trigger for this stuck song, then I wouldn’t have had any control over it, since I felt that everything was fine, and then my brain decided to go crazy at night. So since the severe song looping episode occurred after a period in which I felt really happy, as I was listening to the song, I am worried that I might be prone to mood disorders, or if I'm already in an early stage of one. I feel that the frustration that this song looping caused me is abnormal; it is a stuck thought that had gone completely out of control and the anxiety it caused me was also completely out of control and abnormal. If it isn't just a possible mood disorder, then I probably have some symptoms of OCD too, since this episode really interfered with my life. During the early periods of my anxiety episode, I also found out that apparently nothing can prevent the onset of mental illnesses like psychotic disorders, or mood disorders, so apparently nothing I did in the past to prevent any more relapses would be able to avoid the development of other mental disorders. I also found a bunch of other stuff that completely changed my view of mental illness as a whole, such as how every mental illness share similar symptoms, so it’s hard to tell if someone has one mental disorder or if they possibly have another more serious one as well. Apparently, OCD is related to Bipolar as well. My therapist didn’t really help. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with her. She shut me down when I was trying to talk to her about some heavy topics, and she wants to cancel my session because she assumes that I’m doing better when in fact I’m not. I’m still conflicted, and it seems it will be a while before I recover from the chaos in my mind. It really just seems like all the anxiety is right; I would worry about having a mental illness, then dismiss it a being incorrect thinking. But then later on down the road, I developed an anxiety disorder. Then I would just say that there’s no point in paying attention to anxiety and that it doesn’t mean that I’ll develop anxiety again after I overcome one episode. Then 2 months later, a mentally distressing event with no clear caused occurred out of the blue and that intense feeling of anxiety came back full force I worked so hard at changing my behaviour, but then I’ll fall back ten steps. It’s challenging to live doubting my sanity, but I’m determined to overcome by mental health issues by any means possible. I'm dealing with all of this by myself now, and I would really like some advice on my situation. In addition, I feel like I have issues expressing myself clearly because i leave certain details out of my writing. For instance, after writing this I look back on it and realized that I should have mentioned certain things so that my point would have been conveyed better. If anyone has been through something similar to what I’m experiencing right now, any advice on how to navigate through these issues are deeply appreciated. In short, my behaviour and recent events in my life ( song-looping ) have led me to question my mental health. According to my personal history, should this stuck song episode warrant any concern? And according to my personal history, should I be concerned about my mental health, or should I just leave it as severe anxiety and depression? My current mental state is messed up, though technically it’s an extension of all the messed up thoughts that I had as a kid. Basically I’ve always been a cowardly person, and right now my anxiety has me doubting everything, even things that are irrational. To anyone who read this, I am deeply grateful for your help. Thank you very much.
  18. alissa

    Everything is going wrong

    So, I've been having trouble with friendships for some time now. I feel like I can't keep them, only at a superficial level, but when I get close to them, they pull away. Right now I'm in an okay situation with my friends from high school, but only because I don't share anything personal from my life. My best friend is self absorbed and talks about herself all the time, and when I talk about my life she doesn't care, like she just says things like 'oh that sucks' and then goes back to herself. There is this girl in college that is in my friend group and sometimes attacks me for no reason, like today she said I was fake because I laughed at a girl's joke, and the other day she said I do make up like shit (I know, it's stupid, but it still hurts because I feel her maliciousness). Things with my boyfriend are not going well because we've been fighting about petty reasons recently, but ineedy and it's mostly because I act needy and demanding all the time. I don't mean to, but at the moment it is like I can't control myself. On top of it all, my dad has been fired from his job. So i really dont know how to improve my life.
  19. charlieharris

    i don't know what to do

    i am really altered right now because of a fight i had with my mom. i have at least 3 panic attacks in a 'normal' day and i don't get used to it and it feels like the won't go away anytime soon please help
  20. bumble

    My life is a whirlwind

    Hello. I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll apologize right off the bat for this coming out jumbled if it does. I feel very scattered, or I have felt this way for a couple of months now. Currently I'm a girl attending college in Ohio. Since I was in the fourth grade I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I think this anxiety was amplified because my family moved so often. I've attended at least 10 different schools and lived in 4 different states over the years. The moving was due to my Dad's ambition to climb the corporate latter. Though, despite having issues for so long I've only recently been diagnosed with both GAD and depression. I feel like i'm really broken right now and I'm really not sure who I can turn to at this point. Over the summer my dad was infected with a life threatening illness. Thankfully he's alive, but the illness has left him paralyzed. He's currently living in Florida with my mother and my little sister. My two younger brothers are living with other family members because the apartment my parents are living in now is too tiny to house all of them. My father is a business man, and was the breadwinner for our family. Now he is unable to move his lower body and just yesterday went to the hospital again for another seizure. My mother is scared and is doing all she can to help out. Considering the situation he's in my dad is an incredible human being. He continually works to find a job and has been more patient and kind than I've ever seen him, so that's a huge blessing. My boyfriend is a sweet and artistic soul who seems to be struggling a lot right now. He's an extremely talented, artist, musician, and writer. His mother, the parent he was closest to, died in his junior year of high school. He's told me that he believes he's had depression even before her passing. But, her death I think has and still is weighing heavily on him, and his relationship with his family, though ultimately loving, is strained. I've encouraged him to go see a counselor and he is. But, he's highly avoidant (like me) and seems to struggle setting boundaries with people (also like me) and has missed two appointments so far because of other commitments or exhaustion. And then there's me. I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I just know that I feel wrong. I worry all the time and I feel bad to admit it, but I worry so much about how others perceive me. I have really low self esteem. I've tried to make friends, but I usually end up pushing them away some how, or I guess I just struggle being fully authentic with people. I think I hide the real me behind a soft spoken, kind, and optimistic girl who's a bit of a baby. I'm shirking my responsibilities and have lost many if not all my friends simply because I stopped reaching out and the connection was never that strong to begin with. And, this is a repeating cycle that has happened with many of the people I've encountered thus far in my life. I don't think they even know what happened, I think I kind of just faded away. That tears me up a little, or it did for a long time. Lately, I've been terrified of this numbness, or apathy i've been feeling. I feel really ashamed of who I am. I think I'm broken. What's worse is I'm trying to cling on my boyfriend when he needs me to be strong for him. Sometimes, and I know this sounds really self centered,it is but, I feel as if he doesn't love me for me. It feels like he loves all my good qualities but doesn't really know how to deal with my broken parts. I know he's sad and so overwhelmed with his own problems I can't expect him to bear mine. I don't blame him for that usually. However, when I'm really low, I do tend to get upset with him, but I try my best to keep it internal and talk myself out of it. Though, sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship? I don't think either of us are mentally healthy. It's really starting to wear on me. I feel easily ashamed of my own feelings and I'm very self critical. My emotions have been reeling from anger, sadness, to feeling perfectly normal. I've been apprehensive to post because writing these types of things out always feels like I may be misinterpreted or judged. But, I'm really at a low point right now and I'm finding myself just wanting some outside input. I don't really know what it is I can be helped with though. I just feel like I'm in a fog. Thanks for your time. It's greatly appreciated.
  21. passionfruit3

    Useless piece of meat

    So i went to the er the other day got my hand bandaged up thats about it for an infected cut.they didn't treat it in anyway just said i needed antibiotics.its been 4 or 5 days since i did it.i didn't let them do blood and when i did they said they didn't need it and now my hand is stinging and i can't go to my doctors cause my dad suddenly has work early in the morning.funny cause usually he just says he has work and never goes anywere. I dont trust it.one car is also broke so were stuck makes sense he didnt want to taxi us and that hed hide out somewere instead of going to work.doesnt matter though he doesn't care. Moms no better shes been in the living room tending to her two other daughters.my older and youngest sisters.does she even get up to check up on me and yesterday her comment was there just gonna bandage it and thats it why are you even going to the er.well i guess mom was right and they didn't do crap and so i told im not gonna do crap despite what the doctor saying its infected and in need of antibiotics i plan to just let it fall or let it become poison in my blood stream since im such a useless piece of dog meat to her and my father.
  22. Labdbr

    Dont know what to do anymore

    Hey, i had a very hard time lately as im struggeling with suicidal tendencies, self harm, depression, anxiety, anorexia and OCD for many years now but im never feeling "ill" enough, so writing this is like really hard for me. Just for basic information, Ive been in therapy many times, take anti depressants and started feeling worse again last spring. I told my teacher back in summer about my problems because she asked me a lot if everything was okay and we had this class trip thing that i was afraid of and i dont Even know why i told her everything but she is like really nice and i couldnt go on any longer without telling someone. She had to tell my mom at some point because the risk would have been too high but after that we rarely talked anymore. School is really stressing me out and im even worse than before but I don't know if I should talk with her about it and i don't know how because i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems. Can anyone help me? Thank u for reading and I'm sorry for my bad english
  23. livinglife123

    Hey there!

    Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you well I'm super happy to have finally joined this forum and I can't wait for to give/receive support and have great conversations! My name is Bri and I'm a 22 year old female. I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety. I do not take any medications and do not wish to (I was prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro and after 2 doses I basically lost my mind). I hope to heal and recover naturally, even though it'll be a tougher road I have a great support system and a strong desire to get better! More recently I have been struggling with bouts of feeling unreal and like I'm dreaming, about to wake up. I feel very detached and I am truly terrified. I have just come down from an intense 2 month period of an extreme obsession, and a week after I finally recovered from that I got scared that I had no anxiety at all so I had a moment of derealization, which naturally my purely obsessional OCD latched onto because it latches on any fear I may have when I am weak, and for the last 3 days I have been obsessing over depersonalization and derealization (not sure even if I even have them or if my OCD is making myself believe I have them) Overall, I meet weekly with a counselor and I plan to begin CBT soon with an OCD specialist and hope to conquer my latest suffering. I am also looking into a new diet to specifically help my brain function better and begin working out to help my anxiety as well. Also, I'm attempting to gain a normal sleep schedule and to possibly look into yoga/meditation along with some amazing self help books I lean on. Any feedback or anything you want to say, please feel free to share! I can't wait to chat with you all Best- Bri
  24. toby

    i feel Bad[tm]

    uh hey i saw a post on tumblr which talked abt this website so here i am. i feel super suicidal atm. i almost killed myself last night and a huge breakdown and now all i wanna do is cry and delete all my accounts if that makes sense. sorry if this is too personal. um i live in an abusive home and get bullied at school (i know this sounds cliche lmao). on top of that ive got ptsd and am a csa + cocsa survivor. i dont have any irl friends and only talk to 2 people online. lately ive been doing worse and worse. sometimes i cut myself, i tend to do it more these days. i promised one of my online friends to tell him every time i selfharm but the last two times i couldnt bring myself to do it. hes concerned but i cant talk 2 anyone rn. i feel dysphoric too (im a transboy) im sorry this got so long i guess i needed some place to vent. anyway i want to fucking D ie i hate myself im an asshole
  25. passionfruit3

    Its me again

    I guess i could have posted this on the previous crisis but i decided it should be okay.so let me go back.i went to the hospital for the burn and they said it didn't look that bad i was dehydrated that was all so i had iv fluids.i knew the psychiatrist there and basically what shed do which was send me home but this time i was supposed to go to partial which never happened i did not want to miss out on my young adult group or therapy plus i didnt like listening to peoples drama.so im at home one night and my mom goes out to my aunts then work .im waiting for my dad then i realized he wasnt there just my brother. And i took out a waffle iron in the kitchen but didn't use it.then i realized the stove was left on but instead of all that i stuck my hand in the garbage disposal. Id done it last year around Christmas and it wasnt like i chopped a finger off just cuts and not being able to move them for a couple days.this left a small gash and parents never noticed on that day or the next when i briefly did.but its like three or four days now and im in pain its a small wound on one hand though the others slightly bigger one finger is slightly swollen id give it a 6 or 7 on pain scale.theres no pus its just red and hurting.i tried contacting my casemanger shes stalling me till tomorrow i dont want to go to er cause that female so and so psychiatrist does not care no one in that er cares for me they all think im nuts.i also dont want people saying stuff like superficial so in order to go id have to stick my hand back down and make the wound bigger.or they wont take it seriously.if you dont believe me i jumped from a high shelf in bathroom to try and hurt myself messed up my knee they just said whats wrong with jumping.but it does hurt mainly when i have to move something or hold heavy things.
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