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Found 5 results

  1. chex2

    Relapse

    I relapsed tonight for the first time in about a year and I just feel so sick to my stomach and mad at myself but still alarmingly numb. I let myself get upset over a small stupid thing like always. I never have a reason that makes sense to anyone. My dad and little sister are coming this weekend. I really don't want them to see the cuts. I didn't even stop and think about what effect it could have, I just did it. So stupid and selfish. Again. I honestly really don't know what to feel right now. Please help.
  2. harlo

    my story

    Hey guys! My name is Harlo and I'm searching for serious advice. I'm 20 years old and suffer from..well..everything. Severe panic disorder, anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, social phobia, fears, intrusive thoughts, OCD, and probably much much more. I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years now and for the past 2 months now, I have been at my worst. I had such a horrible childhood. Both of my parents were and are alcoholics, my brother was and is a drug addict. I've always been the only sane one in the family.. no addictions and had full control of my life. I think that's what made me INsane ha. I found my brother overdosed on heroine 4 years ago which was my breaking point. He survived..thankfully. but it was devastating at 16 years old. Growing up and still to this day I constantly hear fighting and yelling and screaming between my mother, father, and brother. My parents just recently filed for divorced a year ago. I now live with my mother and brother. My father lives at my old house. Anyway, when I started getting panic attacks I was a senior in high school. I had to drop out of cheerleading, dance, and every other activity. I couldn't got to school. I've been through it all.. hospitals, inpatient hospitals, western psychiatric partial hospitalization, therapists, psychiatrists, medication, group therapy, etc. I lost everything.. fortunately I was able to graduate. For college, I have to do online because I can't actually go to college. I can't work. I basically cant function. I can't sleep at night and I basically sleep my days away. It's like is rather sleep than feel all of these feelings. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of my panic attacks, going far, going anywhere actually, being alone, all of my symptoms, my thoughts, everything. My mother and father were there through it all (surprisingly) so therefore, I can't be without one or the other. I'm 20 years old and I'm like a 2 year old baby. They literally have to babysit me. It's pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know who to turn to for help. Look, the thing is.. I'm sooo dependant on my family...like I'd literally go crazy if i didn't have them around.. they're all I got. But.. at the same time.. they're making it worse by the stress they put on me with everything. What do I do? Where do i even start? I'm lost. Nothing is helping... Can someone please try to help me figure something out...
  3. I'm not sure what to say about my mother... I honestly don't remember what she was like before the incident, so that doesn't help either. From what I remember, my mother, best friend and myself were coming back on a trip from Puerto Rico and she had made a 180ยบ. At the time, I believe I was 12-13, and this happening roughly 17 years ago makes it very difficult for me to recall correctly. She never informed myself, brother, or my father on what the doctor diagnosed her with OTHER than Vertigo. From what I read, Vertigo/Dizziness won't cause someone to completely change in personality. Dad and I are thinking that she had a stroke of some sort, it's the only thing that makes sense. Not sure if it was the altitude or what could have caused it... but my dad has also mentioned that she went strange right after they had been married. Within the span of a week. He said he remembered her sitting and talking with her sisters and mother in the other room and later on, she was completely different and demanding. (Mind you, this was back in 1974) After the trip back from Puerto Rico, she began wearing all white. White pants, white knee-length skirts, white shoes, white socks, and a white head scarf. This was everyday wear for her. She made me go to a public school in my old Catholic private school uniform and would write 5+ page letters informing me on what I could and couldn't wear on a daily basis, church, how crushed velvet is horrible... how wearing jeans to church or sandals were a big no-no... and how I was a dissappointment. There were many more issues brought up, but this is what really stands out at the moment. She also started sharing what was my room with me... leaving my dad to sleep downstairs on the couch. My brother always had his own room, which of course I was jealous of since privacy would have been a nice thing going through high school and what-not. She eventually began introducing color into her wardrobe and pants... from what I could see, everything was improving and going back to what used to be normal. There was an incident where my heavily-invovled Catholic aunt had offended my mother by overstepping her bounderies and eventually my mother stopped going to church every Sunday. She was still religious... but she wasn't as strict as she used to be when I was growing up. I don't remember exactly when she "found God" again, but it was within the last 6-7 years. She began going to church again, wearing a mantilla (which she had never done before-but claimed it was tradition), doing the rosary daily, had my dad go through a ton of paperwork and counseling so that she could get re-married to him in the Catholic Church. She said it was her mission in life. She would tell me about her dreams... how the Pope helped her cross a river. How she thought Catholicism should be taught in every school, how my brother would someday be "the Pope of America." These are her exact words. It's just become more and more weird. I did a painting of the Puerto Rican crest for her birthday and since I wasn't living close to her, when I came down for my parents ceremony, I gave it to her. She claimed that it was FOR her wedding--that she was completing her mission of introducing spanish heritage to America. It really is the strangest thing... she has claimed that her name being "Maria" and my dad's name being "John" was for a purpose... even though they're very common names, she believes that it somehow relates to "John and Mary" from the bible. I have tried to be so patient with her. But lately she has been driving me crazy. I live out of state and I try not to take her calls in the event that she pisses me off beyond belief. She doesn't fully understand what I'm saying half the time and recently told me that I have no idea who she is anymore. This was because she thought I was questioning her beliefs when I never even touched that subject. She misunderstood and got me so riled up where I almost hung up on her. My husband was in the room when I was talking to her and he didn't know what she had said to make me upset. I'm sorry for ranting, but I've had this on my chest for too long and with my husband and I welcoming a baby girl into the world in about a month, I'm already regretting her having to meet her future grandmother. My brother and his wife just had their first child 2 weeks ago and I can't help but wonder how she's going to be around their kid. I want her to respect our wishes for our baby... I know she will want to introduce her to Catholicism. I'm so hesitant to leave her alone with my mother... and I feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way. But with what my mom had told me earlier about how I don't know who she is, I KNOW for a fact that she doesn't know who I am either. I don't know what to do or think. I don't know if anyone has ever had any situations that are similar to what I may have experienced. And yeah, this is more of a rant than anything. I thank those out there for being so patient with reading this... especially since it's been jumpy at parts.
  4. Hello to all the people. I'm 34 years old man from Russia. I'm married, and we have a great and very beautiful young daughter (she is 1 year and 8 month). I have a sexual problem - I can't have sex with my wife. She is a great woman, very sexy and attracive, but we have had very bad relationships during the last year - there was so much fighting between us. The last month our relationships tend to become more and more healthy, but there is one thing that dissapoints us both very much - our sexual life. To be precise, there is no sexual life at all, we have sex about 1 time in a month. We have tried various experiments with it, but there is no significant progress so far. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I really want her or not at this time. But she is very horny without sex, and the fact that I can't satisfy her makes me very guilty. I have no idea what to do - I want to be a good husband, and I'm suffering without sex myself, but I just can't get proper erection. I think it's related to my emotional state which is very unstable and most of the time I'm feeling sadness and anxiety, after all that fighting, talking about divorce and how we will share our beloved daughter between us if we are going to separate. So I would appreciate any thoughts or whatever you think can be helpful for me. Waiting for the answers.
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