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Found 41 results

  1. vhejn

    help plz

    idk if i have bipolar disorder. however, i have taken tests and have talked to people that are bipolar, and they said there is a strong chance. i go from being super energetic and fun, wanting to get everything done. then i go to sleeping and not having any energy to get out of bed. i feel so tired and weak and i can barely think and do literally anything. sometimes i get so bad to where i punch things, i scream so loud, i cry very hard, i scratch all over my body. it seems like im possessed when im like that. its all so confusing, and idk how to cope and how to deal with it. i just need advice and maybe even friends to talk to.
  2. i really don’t know how to start this. i’ll just preface by saying prior to this past year of hell on earth i’ve never had any attraction or arousal to kids younger than my age WHATSOEVER and i still AM NOT ATTRACTED TO KIDS. i find NOTHING attractive about them they are underdeveloped and immature and they honestly annoy me alot. before all of this started i even wouldn’t touch any sort of kiddie cup or child’s toy bc i think kids are that gross. however, the prescence of false arousal/groinal responses have become so intense that they have led me to this posting this today. i found this site today and decided to post on this forum instead of the anxiety one bc i know there are some pedofiles on this forum who could help further discern this from pedophilia. i’ll ty make this as short, but detailed as possible. basically this all started one day when i was sitting on my bed watching a news report of a pedofile on youtube. then out of nowhere i had a random thought, “what if im a pedofile”? NOTHING happened that justified this thought. i wasn’t and have never been aroused or attracted to any kids in my life, i didn’t get an erection from any of the children in the news report, i wasn’t turned on by the offender’s sexual endeavors. nothing. but for some reason i had a panic attack. a really bad panic attack. the one’s i’d gotten in the past were pretty average and could usually be alleviated with meditation but this was intense. my heart was pounding, i had a terrible head ache, i was sweating, i had shortness of breath i mean i could barely breathe, and worst of all, i couldn’t stop ruminating on the question. i had no history of ocd prior to this. i had relatively normal compulsions like checking multiple times to see if my contacts were out after already taking them out, checking multiple times to see if i locked the door, not eating or drinking anything if something remotely disgusting (someone spitting out a piece of food or someone eating while talking) happened near me, etc. but anxiety and overthinking things profusely and to the point where things just got worse in my mind was no stranger to me. that panic attack lasted for about 4 hours followed by another one later on lasting around the same amount of time. that day i also started concocting scenarios in my head of comitting sexual acts with children or my little cousins to check if there was any groinal movement and the whole time i was disgusted. even when nothing or barely anything happened i insisted that something did and i believe this to be the origin of future GRs. that day i also, very very regrettabley, forced myself to jerk of to one of these scenarios. i wasn’t hard or anything, i just forced it upon myself and ended up orgasming but with no satisfaction in it at all. this haunted me into the following day when, in tears, i confessed to my mom that i was having these thoughts. she told me to just stop thinking about it snd ignore the thoughts. of course i didn’t, i needed reassurance. fast forwarding some months the thoughts had come and gone in on and off episodes. sometimes these episodes lasted a week and sometimes just days. the days when the thoughts didn’t plague me i was on top of the world but the days where they were present i was extremely irritable, sad, and antisocial. and as im writing this i realize that these episodes have became much more frequent, now seeming to be only hours apart from each other; a few days if im lucky. also at this point i had lost a lot of cognitive abilities. thoughts became harder to formulate, my memory, more short terms than longer term, turned to shit, nostalgia became a dead emotion, and it became harder for me to process language and connect words/ideas together and determine their significance. the worst part of all, my arousal for women was fleeting almost obliterated. i still looked at pretty ladies and thought “damn that’s a nice ass” or “she has a really pretty face” or “god i love those tits” (sorry for the language), but i couldn’t really get an erection anymore... if i did it was very moderate and more akin to a semi. then stuff got really bad. every year me and my family (whole family relatives and all) rent a beach house and stay there for a week or so. one day after going to the beach, i walked into the bathroom and found a pair of panties that someone had forgotten to pick up. i didn’t know whose they were, but my mind insisted that they were my 12 year old cousin’s and all of the sudden i got a very strong groinal response and started panicking. i ruminated on the thought for the rest of the evening and that night while trying to jerk off to this pretty girl from school, a sexual thought of my cousin came into mind and my focus shifted oto that. when the thought came up i didn’t think “damn she’s hot”, i simply allowed the concucted scenario to happen so i could check for any groinal responses all the while i was thinking “no no this is so fucked up im not attracted to children stop im not a pedofile” and it took me many times to get a proper groinal response. that was the second time i orgasmed to a child. the rest of the week i felt terrible i regretted and hated committing that act immediately. i broke down one night and cried in my room while listening to How To Disappear Completely by radiohead on repeat for 3 hours. in contrast, the summer prior i sat in the beach house living room reading Gone Girl. My younger cousins would pass by but there were no groinal responses, no anxiety attacks, no unjustified worrying that i may be a pedofile, nothing. just peace and a good book. fast forward again and something worse happened. months later i was gardening with my family and i looked from doing my work and had a strong groinal response from my brother after thinking “what if im attracted to my brother?” DESPITE having never found anything about my brother attractive and actually being annoyed by his character constantly. I instantly freaked out and after working took a shower and went to my room. the response had gone away but i needed to check. i needed reassurance that i wasn’t. so i started making scenarios and kept thinking “no no no this is fucked no im not attracted to my brother etc”. there was some movement but we’re talking 1-3 centimeters and after that followed a “cooldown” where my penis returned to normal.after around half an hour i got an actual groinal response and that was the third time i orgasmed to a child. that one was the worst. they were all really really really bad, but this one was my brother. i didn’t understand it. i was attracted to him in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER yet this happened and i felt terrible. my life went really downhill from there. i became even more antisocial and depressed and lost a bunch of friends. i was getting really frustrated at this point and just wanted to die. flash forward and i was out with (one of my few) friends and some of her friends when i met a really really pretty girl. TOTALLY out of my league, as such i didn’t and was afraid to talk to her. but then later on after people started going back home we really hit it off and were having a lot of fun. we actually completely ignored out mutual friend (which i kind of feel bad about now bc it was her birthday :/) and we had a lot of things in common. there were five special things about this girl: 1) she and i had a lot of the same interests 2) my friends have described me as a white 6 and an indian 7; this girl is a universal 10 and it seemed like she was really coming on to me 3) she was really funny 4) she was one of thefew new people i could talk to despite being in my antisocial, depressed, and anxious state and 5) I WAS AROUSED BY HER; THROBBING HARD AROUND AND (this is really lewd but) i came in my pants while walking her back to the bus stop. this girl completely relieved and still relieves all the anxiety and depression and hurt and everything whenever im around her or even think about her. she’s the coolest, funniest, sweetest, smartest, and prettiest girl i’ve ever met and i can make a whole post on her but omg i dont have the time. a week after meeting we got into a relationship, the first real one of both of our adolescences. it felt soo good dating such an amazing and being aroused by her. everything was perfect. during our first time having sex however we ran into some problems. the ruminating and checking and anxiety and avoiding even looking at any children got out of hand and i could no longer get those full hard on erections that i did at the start of our relationship. i could still obtain them by kissing or touching her, but by sight alone i could, at best, host a pretty moderate erection. the disease had taken from me arousal from even the girl i loved most in this world snd i hated it for that. so during our first time we started making out to get things going and uh (embarrassingly) i finished a bit too early. i apologized and made out for 5 more minutes to get me hard again but i couldn’t get a full hard on, not enough for sex to work. the whole time instead of thinking “fuck this is so great” i was just thinking, “what if i can’t get hard”? i was decently hard and she didn’t notice so i tried putting it in bc i was getting nervous but it wouldn’t go in until after maybe 5-6 times. i felt terrible. as i started thrusting i felt better but it kept slipping out bc i was not hard enough. the third time i was doing fine and really REALLY enjoying it but then i had the terrible, fucking horrible thought “what if i can only get hard to my brother? what if it’s like with gay dudes and their girlfriends? what if im just faking all of this? what if im a pedofile?” and then simultaneously started thinking of my brother and then boom, strong groinal reaction accompanied by panic. i felt terrible, but the sensations helped me ignore it and i started thinking about my grilfriend again and was able to maintain my erection. after we both finished, i was still thinking about that thought and i wan’t to run away and hide and scream at myself. however, then my girl friend rolled onto my side and that calmed me down. present day. these past few weeks have been terrible. my arousal situation with mu girlfriend is relatively the same and we had sex again and i was able to get a better erection. but today i came to a breaking point. i was on the metro when all of the sudden i had the thought again. “what if im into my brother?” this thought had pushed become the common theme of my ruminations since the sex incident, so much so that in fact my groinal response to kids became very very mild. as expected, major groinal response and i started picturing the routine scenario with the “no no no this is fucked up” thoughts. i didn’t get it. two days prior i had been doing some yard work again and after reading some pocd forum posts i started just letting the responses come and go and as a result they became more mild and less frequent until i focused on them again. but this time it was worse, i felt that anxiety that i felt on the first day and it was paralyzing. i wanted to start screaming on that train and i was about to, but also even worse, this time i felt like i needed to jerk off. it felt like the only thing that would get rid of this it was THAT BAD it had never been THIS BAD this was a full ERECTION where most prior episodes only prompted maybe a semi at best. I became very shaky and was close to a breakdown i felt like everyone on the train was looking at me. i was able to power through tho and continue on my journey downtown. then later in the day i was reading, and the same thought came into my mind. the anxiety returned and the erection was just as strong. that was the last time i jerked off to a child. now im in my room writing this post. after jerking off i became the most anxious and disgusted ive been in this past year. all of the little progress ive made hs disappeared. the worst part about it was that it’s the best orgasm ive had in the past year, better than my girl friend maybe even. and now i still feel this burning sensation down there it’s been there for around half an hour already im so fucking tired of this i dont know what to do everyday i wake up and i repeat phrases like “youre straight” “this is just anxiety” “that’s fucked up” “ you’re not a pedofile” “you’re not into your brother” about 1000 times a day out of nowhere to gain some sort of reassurance. checking has become less routine but i still do it about 12-15 times aday and just about every time it moves around 3-5 centimeters and the whole time im thinking “nononono god fcking no this is fucked up im not attracted to kids” and it’s TREU IM NOT. I FIND NOTHING ATTRACTIVE OR AROUSING ABOUT KIDS AT ALL. BUT THESE THOUGHTS AND THE STRESS THEY FOR SOME REASON PROVIDE THESE STRONG GROINAL RESPONSES AND IDK WHAT TO DO. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND so so so so much and this is starting to affect our relationship. i would NEVER WANT TO FUCK, FINGER, SUCK, LICK, KISS, DO ANY OF THAT TO A CHILD BUT MY MIND IS JUST DRILLING INTO MY HEAD THIS FALSE NARRATIVE AND PROVIDING THESE HROINAL RESPONSES. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. i love SO MUCH ABOUT GIRLS. they’re pristine, perfect, composed, soft, compassionate, cute, and ive LWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO THEM. i just want my labido and everything else to go back to normal this is getting exhausting. idk what to do. please help.
  3. Im 16 and im ADHD i take addiral (or how ever you spell it), i spend a lot of my time in my room asleep, talking to my boyfriend or reading. But i have random moments where i start crying and i had one in front of my boyfriend, he got worried, these random moments can last seconds to hours, hes the only one that knows about them. When he comes over we watch t.v., wrestl, and etc...but when we take him back home or if he walks to far away from me i feel like im about to cry and it makes me feel weak, i dont like it. Dont think im crazy but i am bullied....but not by people, everyone has a few voices in there head and i do too but they bully me the one nice voice i can no longer hear that much. No im not crazy. So i wanted to see if someone can help me. If your going to call me crazy plz dont answer me because all i got to say to that is "all the best people are crazy"
  4. lookingforafriend

    Just PM me fellow SPS guys.

    Please PM me brothers. I have a plan - we will get through this together. SPS will unite us - we are strong together.
  5. peter

    Hi

    Just wanted to say hi to everyone
  6. I tried to type this before but it ended up taking almost four hours to write it down. By the time I clicked submit, the website log me out for inactivity. That being said, I don't think I'll post everything I want to say at one time. To preface, I have never sexually touched a child. I do have these sexualized visions of children and also this thing that I people online call a groinal response, it's not an erection. I remember I had this intrusive thought of my neighbor who was 2 years younger than me when I was a sophomore in high school. Then I went into a locked psychiatric unit for suicidal thoughts and behaviors (I held a knife at vital places of my body.) During that time there, I was talking to the psych I was assigned to. Something in the conversation led to an intrusive thought of a child. I told the psych later about it and I told her I was aroused. At that point, I didn't know about the groinal response. I told her that I felt like a monster. She looked at me and said she didn't see me as a monster or a pedo. I felt like the thoughts would be gone after I told somebody, and for a while they didn't bother me. Then started masturbating again after four months of abstinence. I was very disappointed when did since I told the psych that I had quit. For a while, it was awesome. Then the visions entered my mind, again. Once I was jerking off and when I was right about to climax, the woman I saw in my head took on a child-ish appearance. And I climaxed. I said to myself, "What the fucking shit!!" I was mortified. But the thing is, I kinda brushed it off because the image appeared when it was too late and I was already in full motion. Aka I came because of the woman, not because of what she turned into. Not to long afterwards, I started cutting. I thought that if I couldn't drink or smoke, I might as well cut. I saw that a lot of people cut, so why not me. Then I took another trip to the hospital. I cut partially so I could get in and escape life, to be honest. I started talking to my assigned psych, who was a different person than my visit to the psych unit before. We talked and I told him that I had these visions. He told me that there were cases where people had intrusive, sexual thoughts of children. Later, I was in my room resting and ruminating. Then I had an erection and a kid showed up. I wondered if I had that erection because of the kid. I'm not sure. I told the psych and he didn't seem convinced that I was a pedo. He determined that I have OCD and I was having an obsessive crisis, when someone can’t block out intense intrusive thoughts, in layman’s terms. He said the he wanted to contact a colleague who specializes in the psychology of pedophilia and have them see determine if I'm a pedo or not. SPOILER ALERT: IT NEVER HAPPENED. After I was discharged, I started masturbating again. The same thing that happened before happened again, but I think I enjoyed it. Looked like a fourteen year old. It didn’t fuck me up as bad I thought it would, which fucked me up even more. That’s been happening a lot lately. I been having flashes of children in my head while I wank. I stop for a second, ask God to remove it, and then go at it again. Rinse and repeat. I have a problem with masturbating. I can’t stop until I climax. Well, I can but it’s ridiculously difficult. I’m taking a break, but I’m not done writing yet. I still have some things to say.
  7. Hi.. I am currently 10 years old and I've been recently depressing myself with this one thing. I really love my dad, and my life would be way easier than it is now if he was in the house. He currently has his own house to live his life in, and he has a job. I still have no help from this topic and I've been talking to my mum and dad about this. I talked to Mum about this half an hour ago and she just responded to me "There's nothing I can do about it." and I said to myself "There is always something you can do about it...." 1 minute later she came back talking about it and we used examples about it like having a cat (which we actually do have. They split up when I just started school, just because of one argument about my dads laziness before he got a job. When I was in Year 3, my dad had an operation about weight. That week when he came out of hospital that was a week of them spending time together. I really loved that week, we watched movies together and had KFC (the kfc wasn't a thing I loved about it). That was a week I enjoyed, even I was in the mood to go to school. I really need your help about it, and I will try all your tips, and see if they work. I really hope you understand what I am talking about, because I am a bad explainer. I've been hoping them to get back together ever since I heard about it. I love my dad. I need him back so I can enjoy life again..
  8. Lately I've been living in fear. The realization started to come about a year ago. I think I fell in love with an 11 year old. I'm 23 years old, have a stable relationship with someone my age and a stable job and this sudden awareness has thrown my mental health into disarray. At first I was just disgusted with myself for having feelings for somebody that age. The disgust faded a bit as I realized I didn't have serious sexual feelings towards girls that age (I really don't want to sleep with them) but I have the undeniable feeling that I'm in love with her and that I want to kiss her / cuddle etc. (Sorry if this disgusts people reading this but I have to get this off my heart or I'll go insane). But all the disgust soon turned into utter despair as I never would or could act upon those feelings.The knowledge that I could never be loved by someone I love, really shattered my heart into a million pieces and soaked it in despair. Never mind acting upon it, I could never ever tell anyone about this. The fact that I have these feelings and that I have to live with never telling anyone fills me with fear. Fear of never truly being happy, the fear of being spat out by society, fear of losing everyone I care about if they ever somehow found out. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through life like this. I think this all is connected to an underlying fear of getting older. I've been having issues with the fact that my worry-free and fantastic teenage years are gone forever. Lately thoughts about killing myself have popped into my head. I currently think it's a dumb idea the doesn't solve anything. But the fact that it pops into my head fills me with even more fear for the future. I try to keep on living my life but every day the burden gets worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading nonetheless
  9. charlieharris

    i don't know what to do

    i am really altered right now because of a fight i had with my mom. i have at least 3 panic attacks in a 'normal' day and i don't get used to it and it feels like the won't go away anytime soon please help
  10. bumble

    My life is a whirlwind

    Hello. I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll apologize right off the bat for this coming out jumbled if it does. I feel very scattered, or I have felt this way for a couple of months now. Currently I'm a girl attending college in Ohio. Since I was in the fourth grade I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I think this anxiety was amplified because my family moved so often. I've attended at least 10 different schools and lived in 4 different states over the years. The moving was due to my Dad's ambition to climb the corporate latter. Though, despite having issues for so long I've only recently been diagnosed with both GAD and depression. I feel like i'm really broken right now and I'm really not sure who I can turn to at this point. Over the summer my dad was infected with a life threatening illness. Thankfully he's alive, but the illness has left him paralyzed. He's currently living in Florida with my mother and my little sister. My two younger brothers are living with other family members because the apartment my parents are living in now is too tiny to house all of them. My father is a business man, and was the breadwinner for our family. Now he is unable to move his lower body and just yesterday went to the hospital again for another seizure. My mother is scared and is doing all she can to help out. Considering the situation he's in my dad is an incredible human being. He continually works to find a job and has been more patient and kind than I've ever seen him, so that's a huge blessing. My boyfriend is a sweet and artistic soul who seems to be struggling a lot right now. He's an extremely talented, artist, musician, and writer. His mother, the parent he was closest to, died in his junior year of high school. He's told me that he believes he's had depression even before her passing. But, her death I think has and still is weighing heavily on him, and his relationship with his family, though ultimately loving, is strained. I've encouraged him to go see a counselor and he is. But, he's highly avoidant (like me) and seems to struggle setting boundaries with people (also like me) and has missed two appointments so far because of other commitments or exhaustion. And then there's me. I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I just know that I feel wrong. I worry all the time and I feel bad to admit it, but I worry so much about how others perceive me. I have really low self esteem. I've tried to make friends, but I usually end up pushing them away some how, or I guess I just struggle being fully authentic with people. I think I hide the real me behind a soft spoken, kind, and optimistic girl who's a bit of a baby. I'm shirking my responsibilities and have lost many if not all my friends simply because I stopped reaching out and the connection was never that strong to begin with. And, this is a repeating cycle that has happened with many of the people I've encountered thus far in my life. I don't think they even know what happened, I think I kind of just faded away. That tears me up a little, or it did for a long time. Lately, I've been terrified of this numbness, or apathy i've been feeling. I feel really ashamed of who I am. I think I'm broken. What's worse is I'm trying to cling on my boyfriend when he needs me to be strong for him. Sometimes, and I know this sounds really self centered,it is but, I feel as if he doesn't love me for me. It feels like he loves all my good qualities but doesn't really know how to deal with my broken parts. I know he's sad and so overwhelmed with his own problems I can't expect him to bear mine. I don't blame him for that usually. However, when I'm really low, I do tend to get upset with him, but I try my best to keep it internal and talk myself out of it. Though, sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship? I don't think either of us are mentally healthy. It's really starting to wear on me. I feel easily ashamed of my own feelings and I'm very self critical. My emotions have been reeling from anger, sadness, to feeling perfectly normal. I've been apprehensive to post because writing these types of things out always feels like I may be misinterpreted or judged. But, I'm really at a low point right now and I'm finding myself just wanting some outside input. I don't really know what it is I can be helped with though. I just feel like I'm in a fog. Thanks for your time. It's greatly appreciated.
  11. Labdbr

    Dont know what to do anymore

    Hey, i had a very hard time lately as im struggeling with suicidal tendencies, self harm, depression, anxiety, anorexia and OCD for many years now but im never feeling "ill" enough, so writing this is like really hard for me. Just for basic information, Ive been in therapy many times, take anti depressants and started feeling worse again last spring. I told my teacher back in summer about my problems because she asked me a lot if everything was okay and we had this class trip thing that i was afraid of and i dont Even know why i told her everything but she is like really nice and i couldnt go on any longer without telling someone. She had to tell my mom at some point because the risk would have been too high but after that we rarely talked anymore. School is really stressing me out and im even worse than before but I don't know if I should talk with her about it and i don't know how because i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems. Can anyone help me? Thank u for reading and I'm sorry for my bad english
  12. TheSadPig

    What to do?

    What should I do? I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. My parents and friends ignore me, I barely ever see my family, and I normally am locked up in my room (I lock myself in) to skip school. I don't eat and am falling behind in studies. My best friend recently committed suicide and I just want to see her again, not in a picture. Help. I feel there is only one solution to my neverending grief, anxiety, and depression.
  13. Artesia

    I need advice

    Hi, I need help please because im late to everything, to all my university lectures I'm late, to all my work shifts im late, when handing in essays I hand them in last minute, it's the same with revision for exams and everything, I want to change and stop being like this but I have no idea where to even start, it's my last year of university and I want to achieve a good grade and find a good job but with this attitude I won't get anywhere in life, anyone been in similar situations and were able to get out of this stupid habit
  14. This might seem offensive to people with OCD although I don't want to offend anyone, sorry if I do ;-; I have a few symptoms easily associated with OCD, but I know I don't have it. I've read a lot about OCD, I have some friends who suffer from it and i've read posts from people that actually have it - What I mean is that my symptoms are not strong enough, neither in quantity, to be OCD. It doesn't interfere with my life either. What's the problem then? I feel like I want to have OCD. What?? No you don't want it - of course I don't. This is confusing me a lot. I know I DON'T want to have it. I've read enough to know I don't want, I know it's not like 'oh I'm sooo OCD because I like to have all clean and organized' and more like 'I HAVE to do this compulsion because if not this person will die and I can't help it bescause anxiety and I can't stop visualizing how I harm my loved ones but I don't want to' and I know it doesn't feel any good and that every OCD experience is different and it's not a desirable thing. I don't want anyone to tell me 'you DON'T want it' because I already know I don't want it. I just -feel- like I want it. It's a feeling, it's an obsession I guess. I often find myself researching about OCD and 'oh I have this symptoms' 'I have OCD' 'NO I don't have it.' 'But what if' And the thought of having OCD feels good, at the same time feels horrible. I don't even know why it feels good to me, but i'm terrified. Why would I want to have OCD? Why am I feeling like this? Yesterday I posted an ask on MIM Tumblr and while I was waiting for the response I started to research about the symptoms - again. I've been doing this quite a lot. I don't even have to research anymore to know most of the symptoms. The thing is that I started to feel bad, really bad. I started to feel something weird on my chest and my heart rate speeding. My respiration seemed normal but I had to breathe slowly to calm myself, I just wanted to cry and felt like I was a terrible person. I'm currently posting this here to see if someone had any experience like this, like wanting to have any other mental illness - and at the same time not. I asked a friend who has OCD, he told me he had a similar experience with other illness, so that's why I ask here. I've been feeling like this since two weeks ago, the strongest feeling yesterday. Although I've been researching about OCD and worrying about the symptoms - but knowing that's not what I've got, like from 3 months ago or more. I'm afraid to go to a therapist, I don't know if I'm more afraid about getting a diagnose or about not getting any diagnose at all. I'm really confused. I will go to a therapist, anyways, if this keeps happening for more time and I can't ignore it. I could until this last week, kinda. Thank you for reading, I always over explain myself :/ and sorry if I offended anyone. I don't mean to, i'm just scared...
  15. AlexandraOFG

    I can't find a reason to live

    I can't seem to find a reason to live anymore. Everything is black. I am so scared. I am so scared. I don't feel sad anymore. I feel numb. My life is just shit. I'm so tired. I want it to end. I can't stop crying. I can't calm down. I feel like I'm trapped in this forever. It'll never be okay. I'm so scared. Please help me..
  16. I have no idea what to do!!!! I'm stuck inside my home and I have been for about two years, and im gaining weight and I hate myself and my family hate me and im so scared of the future and my mother is saying I'll go back to a mental hospital and I don't want to go back there!!! I'm only 15, and I'm going crazy!!! I don't know what to do!!!!!! [photo removed by a moderator - sorry; it could be triggering to some and also it's possibly better for you to stay anonymous here = not posting your picture]
  17. Hello, This will be my second post and forum is full of great beautiful people. I hope someone can give me some advice. Im currently stuck in a situation. I moved to Japan and I needed a job so I hastely found a job at an Izakaya (Japanese Bar). It is a very high paced job and the co-workers all smoke, gamble, and play video games. I have little to no interest in those so I can't keep up with their conversation. The people are nice but I couldn't enjoy the job. After only one week of working, my ingrown fingernail got worst and I needed surgery. I've been off work ever since (over two months of not working). The manager is desperately in need of people, and there's no applications since myself. So they would rather wait for me to recover (which will take many more weeks to come), than to let me go. At the same time, a person I know owns a Jazz Club and he is also desperately in need of workers. He wants me to work there since I have a passion for Jazz, andhe tells me I should just quit my current job. I went to go talk to my manager today and explained the situation and he seemed very unpleased. I hate letting people down. I know I became a yes-man because growing up I wasn't very liked, even the people I would call friends would leave me to go with other friends, and I've always felt like a big tumor to everyone. So I started to cater to other peoples needs at my own expense. People love me now, but Im just exausted and I can't even quit my job because I dont want to be a burden on them. It even has been affecting my relationships negatively too. Does anyone have any clue on how I should change my mentality? or Does anyone have any past experiences similar to mine? Thank you so much for your time.
  18. Basil

    Im lost. Give up my dreams?

    Hi, Im new to the forums. Sorry if the post is too long. I will try to keep it short and I will answer any questions that I can. In short, Im lost in life. I have to work because my family and I have no money, but Im worn out and I can never focus on my passions. ########################## With more detail: Im half Japanese, half Canadian, grew up in Canada and moved to Japan and live with my mom since June2016 (Parents divorced) My passion was always music (Jazz in particular). But people around me would tell me Its too risky and would pull me away from my passions. My school forced me into an advanced program in which they kicked me out from the program a month before graduation so i was never certified despite going through two years of its courses. I couldnt go to college or university anyway since my parents are divorced and both are in dept up to their eye balls. I worked full time for three years, but this forced me to stop playing music completely, so I accumulated stress and tired so I decided to move to Japan and get a fresh start. I gave $10,000 to my dad to help for his dept and I flew to Japan. Ever since I came here, Ive had the longest streak of bad luck and developed severe symptomes of depression. -Lack of sleep and apetite -No energy / Couldnt move -No desire for anything/no excitement -Weightloss and grew weak -Vivid thoughts of suide. I broke up and left my toxic relationship, I forced myself to wake up every morning at the same time, I started to meditate and do Yogaevery morning, and try to eat healthier. This helped. I even bought software and gear to learn music production. Today I was told the local jazz bar needs me to work there asap. I can make connections with jazz musicians and its suppose to be great. But instead it tore me apart: i dont want to work. I work really hard so employers love me, but at my own health's expense (mental and physical). Its just the way I have become for reasons. I have to work cause my family needs money, and I need to live, but I cant stand it. I hate it. I hate working for the sake of money and forcing me to stray away from what I really want to do. Working long and late hours takes the energy from me to focus on anything else. I dont know how to regain that energy I once had long long ago. Should I just give up my dreams? Should I just get a job and work solely for the purpose of making money like everyone is telling me? I dont want to work, but I have to. I want to learn and get into the music industry, but i have neither energy nor money. Im lost... Thank you so much for your time <3 Help is much appreciated!
  19. Clairyboo13

    New to anxiety!

    Hi, This is my first post ever to a forum like this ... kinda nervous! I have discovered in the past 2 months that I am suffering quite badly from anxiety ... but the past few weeks it has gotten increasingly worse. I'm 19 y/o and female. The circumstances that have made it worse are these - I live with my boyfriend at uni, but I am home for summer now and I don't handle being away from him so well, I spent almost every day of the past year with him, and having to suddenly have that taken away is really hard for me, especially when our communication is limited due to the business of his life at home (he lives a 3 hour train journey away) - I'm constantly paranoid that he is becoming less interested in me, which I know isn't true! But this paranoia is something that I have found to come along with my anxiety. I feel that it may be putting stress on our relationship, and yes we've discussed it and we've set some ground rules to help us, but I'm the kind of person who feels like I always mess things up, and this is the one thing I do not want to mess up as I feel it's the only thing I have right now (and it's kind of a perfect thing). Most days are bad ... especially at nighttime, I don't have many friends, in fact I only have 2 including my boyfriend - therefore I feel bad constantly telling them about all of this... This is quite a long post and I didn't expect it to be so I'm just gonna sum up how I feel right now; I feel a heaviness in my chest yet an emptiness at the same time, I'm constantly worried about one thing or another, I feel sick quite a lot of the time, I cry myself to sleep most nights and I just feel bad about myself ... I should also probably add that I suffer from OCD, which I feel definitely doesn't help my anxiety ... I'm planning to go to a doctor once I get back to uni but that's not for another month, so I was wondering if anyone on here would be able to help and give me ways to cope with this until that point? Thank you
  20. katrific

    i want to die

    please help im severly depressed with anxiety and i havent gone to school for four weeks because of my depression. if i dont go to school i may have to repeat 10th grade and im scared. i would rather die but i dont own a gun and all i have are pills but i heard if overdose doesnt work its painful and i dont want to be in pain anymore. i need help
  21. Hi my name is Astrid and I need some help. I've become sucidal, self harmed for the first time in months of being clean... My ED, bulimia, has been kicking my butt again... Basically I'm in a huge relapse from over half a year of progress. I need someone to talk to before my therapy appointment tomorrow. My dad emotionally hurts me and sometimes physically. I need an escape...
  22. I'm 20 years old finished school been to college but didn't complete no kids, no setbacks of any kind, I'm at a point in my life where I have reached a level of depression like no other I don't really have an support as it seems no motivation at all. Even down to my family, I'm not working I been applying for jobs and getting interviews but I don't have a car so when I ask my mom or my grandparents for a ride to my interviews something productive it's always a argue I'm just missing out on opportunities. I can't count the number of times I've cried and prayed and begged God to heal me from whatever is going, this is not me never have I ever felt like I didn't want to be here anymore i literally feel stuck what else is there for me to do pls help
  23. Leahlozer

    I'm feeling numb

    The past two years have been a steep decline in my own mental health. I think the numbness started when my mom died in the summer of 2010 when I was around 11 or 12. So yeah, it was a bad time for me. I was withdrawn from family, and it was the beginning of my sixth grade year so I didn't bother making many friends. I was known as the girl with no friends for a while. And to top it all off, I was the girl who cried of the first day of school bc my fucking first block teacher announced to the whole damn class that my mom just died. SMOOTH MOVE JACKASS! But I got better through the year and made some friends, one who became my best friend that is still my best friend today. But then 6 months after my mom died my dad was already looking for a wife and found one in South Africa and was remarried by the end of the year. And when I say that this bitch is crazy, this bitch is fucking out of her damn mind. I think she's the main problem with my depression. She's mean and hateful, calls me stupid, worthless, and the list goes on and on. And another problem have with her is her with my art.(I'm an artist btw) If I draw clothes that are slightly immodest(strapless dresses, dress a bit to short) she tears it out of my book and throws it in the trash. You don't even know what that does to me. But the last year has been the worst. My dad took on a job in Afghanistan mad it was a year long thing. He'd only be able to visit every three months for three weeks. It's so bad at home now. I think that's why I've been feeling empty. Numb. Hollow. Frustrated. Angry. And I'm not one to contemplate cutting myself but the image of myself cutting my wrists has happened many times but I instantly shut it down bc I know I'd never do that to myself. And another reason is because I'm scared. I'm scared of hurting myself because I'm worried about what others will think of me if they see it. They know me as they know my façade. Happy. The girl who is always happy and random and will want to make someone laugh at her jokes and crazy antics. That's only one side I put out of myself. The other side is worried. Worried about others. Worried about myself and my own sanity. Worried about what other people and what they think about me. The other side of me is insecure about herself and wants to his my body because only she knows her flaws and tells other people they're wrong when they say she's beautiful. That she has a nice body and personality and that she's funny. All of me is just scared of what people will think. I'm scared of never finding other than my family will love me. I'm scared of judgements and my own flaws. I feel numb because I'm just the same 11 year old kid who just wants my mom to be alive and still with me. I sometimes cry for no reason or think of my mom when I go to sleep and bawl till I calm down enough to go to sleep with a headache. I'm JIST so confused on who I'm supposed to feel and to be and am always wondering what's wrong with me. What is wrong with me? Am I the only person who feels like this? I'm even worried that this one topic is to long and that no one will even attempt to help me. What am I going to do?
  24. Ever since I was little my mother has neglected me and emotionally abused me. My father wasn't around often becuase he was the only one that worked. My mom would sleep all day when I was a toddler and wouldn't feed me, so I usually didn't get to eat until my dad got home from work, which was usually around 4/5. My mom once took me to my dad's work and tried to say she "Couldn't handle me" and told him to take me, but obviously he couldn't. She drove down the road and took me out of my car seat and just left me on the side of the road, thank god my dad saw. She always did things like this from what I'm aware of. My parents got divorced when I was 5, but it didn't really phaze me. They always fought and argued constantly, and sometimes it would erupt into fist fights. My mom won custody of me after the divorce and she has moved me between schools every year. I'm currently 16, and I've been moved between schools 16 times, and attended 11 different schools. She was never home and just dumped my brothers and I off at my grandparents or her friend, who would lock us in a room all day and neglect us. In 6th grade I was molested by two boys. I was 12 at the time, and didn't really think that it would happen to me, I didn't know what to do... I felt like that's all I was ever going to amount to. That's when my depression fully kicked in, and I started to cut myself. My mom found out a little while after, and told me to stop so I did, but it would happen again every now and then when things became too much By the time I was in 8th grade I was suffering from severe depression, anorexia, and bulimia. My mom didn't notice I was doing any of this becuase she hardly came home to see me. One day at school I cracked... I ended up binge eating the Thanksgiving lunch the school made and ran for the bathroom to throw it all up, but when I went into the bathroom I heard some girls saying I was fat. I had a serious meltdown and left the bathroom before I could purge it up, and they where laughing at me. I ran to my locker and took some of the laxatives I had stolen from my mother, but no matter what I did I just couldn't stop crying. My friend took me to the counselor and I told her everything, about how I'd been cutting, starving, vomiting my food. They had to call my mom and when she came to the school and picked me up she said I was going to go live with my Dad in Florida to get 'help'. She just wanted me gone so she didn't have to deal with it herself. My first week in Florida I was emitted into a recovery hospital by my dad becuase I was refusing to eat. I stayed there for two weeks. The staff were very rude to me and mean. They would force us to exert ourselves in the gym, which was hard for me since my stamina was shit. We were playing dodgeball one day and I was just coming to home when my ankle popped and I collapsed onto the ground. I was screaming in pain from how bad it hurt, and most of the staff and patients were saying I was "Such a great actor". One of the staff took me to the common area and gave me a wheelchair and ice for my now very swollen ankle. Needless to say I couldn't walk on it. I had to use the wheelchair to get around. Well after the staff switched for the night shift they took away my wheelchair and said I didn't really need it. I had to crawl back to my room sobbing while they taunted me and laughed. They wanted to keep me there long term, but I didn't want that becuase of what I'd experienced already, so I faked my way out of it. A few weeks later I was put into another recovery hospital for telling the school I had plans to commit suicide. I stayed for three days because I faked my way through it again. During school one day I overheard my friends talking badly about me in the locker room during gym, so I decided to skip the rest of the day. Well I got caught and was sentenced to in school suspension. Whenever I went, there was this boy on there who started touching me... Touching my breasts and all that and the teachers didn't even notice and I didn't say anything because I thought I deserved this. During lunch break I ran for the bathroom and attempted suicide because all of my past memories where just overwhelming me. A girl came in and took me to the nurses office where they sent me to another recovery hospital, where I yet again faked being fine. My dad was tired of me by this point. After I returned to school again I got a boyfriend. He was really nice at first, but he kept pressuring me into having sex with him. He came over to my room one day and I just wanted to play video games with him, but he kept touching me. I texted my dad asking for him to come help me and my dad didn't care at all... I ended up gaining the courage to tell him to leave and he did. We broke up after that. I went back to my moms after the school year ended because my dad's wife didn't want me to stay with them anymore. When I came back my mom made me stop taking my antidepressants, which made my condition worsen dramatically. She took me off my sleep medicine too, so I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I had plans to just end it all by sneaking to the schools roof and jumping off, but then I met her... The love of my life, I know I'm young or whatever, but she's saved me so much... She means the world to me. She lives in a different state far away from me, so we hardly get to see each other. We've been dating for a year and half now and we've only got to meet once, so you can imagine how hard that must be. After being neglected by my mother, after my sophomore year I am staying with my grandparents. I tried to get help for my depression, but no one seems to even care. My grandparents say I'm not depressed and that if I take that medicine then I'll shoot up schools or some bs like that. Every day has been getting worse and worse... I stay in my room all day and I don't really talk to anyone except my girlfriend... But when she can't talk those moments are the worst for me. I just want some help... I wanna be happy... I hate being like this but no one cares and I'm trying so hard not to hurt myself... I'm trying to live... It's getting harder and it seems like everyday that goes by I seem to lose more and more of my will to go on... I'm trying so hard and no one around me cares... They make it worse... I told my mom in the past about being molested since she herself had, I thought she could support me and help me but she said "I'm not stupid enough to go into the woods with boys I don't know." I asked her why she said that to me the other day and she completely denied it and started yelling at me... I dunno if anyone will even read this long shit... I don't know if anyone out there even cares... I just need help... I need something... I don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I really really need some help... If there's anyone with any advice please... Please... I'm not sure what do anymore...
  25. Please, help me. I am a teenage boy who lives in the US. I'm fairly intelligent (my IQ is around 130, albeit IQ is somewhat debatable in its telling of intelligence). I have a high number of friends and I'm liked by my community. However, I am a very mentally stable person. Due to suffering from bullying when I was a child, I suffer from a generalized anxiety disorder. I also have an at times hard to control rage, which I try to hide from those who are close to me in order to not concern them. I am an extremely fearful person, and I am quite prone to fear mongering; it can prompt me to become absolutely petrified for hours at a time. My fears also frequently overtake my rationality; I once feared that I had a brain tumor for multiple weeks, then feared that I was sociopathic for around a month. I have experienced a fair amount of loss in my life, most prominently within the past few years of my life. I lost two close relatives within a few months. Additionally, someone who I was getting to know committed suicide somewhat recently, which was a somewhat traumatizing experience. Recently, my stress has been at an all-time high. I am currently having an internal conflict over whether or not God is real, of which I am right in the middle. While I used to be Catholic, I left the church for various reasons. I disagreed with them about some things, felt extremely uncomfortable due to being pansexual (attracted to men, women, transgendered people, etc.), and was unsure why an all-loving God would allow there to be so much evil in the world. I now have an extreme fear of hell, but I also am not sure if I can believe in a God, or if doing so is at all rational. I feel like an abomination due to my sexuality, as well. I am also becoming very paranoid about terrorism and conspiracy theories. I am getting over the conspiracies due to how irrational the vast majority of them are; however, I still fear terrorism immensely. ISIS is what scares me the most. I fear that they may be winning, and that they will succeed in killing everyone who disagrees with them. I have minor fear when going outside or being in crowds as a cause of my fears. My biggest fears are things I cannot control; tensions between nations, terrorism, world problems, and potential asteroid impacts are just a few examples. I am also scared about the potential of me dying, or witnessing atrocities happening. At times, I enter this almost "manic" state in which I cannot see any of the positive qualities of my life. I panic. My heart rate rises immensely. I tense up and feel purely fearful and sad. I cry for around half an hour to an hour, and get enraged while doing so. I fear that I may soon harm myself, or potentially even do the unthinkable. I have a therapist, but I'm scared to mention this stuff to him because I don't want anyone to be concerned over me. Please, if possible, help me. Thank you for your time.
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