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Showing results for tags 'low self esteem'.
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I dont really know how to communicate. I like to pretend like I know what the normal protocol is, but that's all it is- pretending. So I'm just gonna start rambling about whats on my mind. no one needs to listen- no one needs to care. I just like the idea of talking- even if its into a void. anyways, how to begin... how about like this? I don't go out ever. I don't really know how to. I'm 22 years old and I've spent virtually all of it hiding wherever I can to avoid people. Im not entirely sure why- I rather like most peoples company. But I also feel excluded- sorta like a drifter. I don't really have any friends- aside from a small handful. I don't really have any talents either. I'm apparently disabled- working memory and audio processing in the 12th percentile. So I wasn't even allowed to do normal high school courses. Due to the lack of a high school education, and profoundly poor language use skills, most people think im a retard. However, I did a bunch of correspondence courses and now attend uoft with a 4.0 GPA. To be blunt tho, its still not very good. I only do 3 half course equivalents (since accessibility wont let me do more due to the working memory problem), so I don't know if it really counts- and ive had a lot of extensions due to various suicide attempts and visits to the psych ward. Plus, I don't consider any of my courses terribly impressive- its just intro to computer programming (not computer science- but programming), modern symbolic logic (a bird course if you have half a fucking brain), intro to cognitive science, and intro to linguistics (again, a bird course). I would really love to do some hard classes that are really impressive- but to do anything worthwhile, I need calculus- and to get calculus, I still have to get my high school math credits. and don't even get me started on how science illiterate I am. I have a deep theoretical understanding of evolution- but a working knowledge of chemistry and anatomy that's no better than a grade 8 student. I am deeply ashamed of this fact, but find it very hard to focus on any of this. Its not that I don't care about he world around me- I do. and Ive read countless books and academic articles on very specific, niche topics. but I have very little interest in most of the specifics about the world around me. and even less interest in politics. I don't even have an interest in math. I just like the idea of being really good at something ppl find hard. I should mention that I got a 90 in computer programming and so far about a 92 in logic (I got 97 in my first first logic midterm but fucked up the second and got 86). I should also mention that I am very vain and if anyone tells me that's a god mark, I will lose my temper and tell them to fuck off. I don't fucking care what you "think" is a good mark- I care what actually is a good fucking mark- a graduate school level good mark. The kinda mark you cant get just by studying hard- but by actually having talent. I should also mention that a lot of people hate me probably for this reason. Sorry if that rant was insensitive to you. truth be told, I don't actually know what its like put in the effort and not yield the reward. in fact, I'm starting to believe that my courses are too easy- that if you put in the effort, you will always yield the reward. and anyone who fails to get a mark equivalent to mine is just a fucking lazy idiot who deserves none of my sympathy. Yes, I am not a nice person- its something I'm trying to work on. Its also made it harder for me to tolerate people who come to these forums to complain about how ugly or unsuccessful they are. Its hard for me to think of anything other than that they aren't trying hard enough to make themselves happy. I mean, for each person here that thinks they are a loser, i probably consider you to be more successful than at least one person who actually does think they are "successful". I mean, most people can sleep at night with a shitty job and a shitty degree from York with shitty marks, and a shitty spouse that's not very attractive or successful themselves. Well, that's my rant.