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Found 28 results

  1. anon1654

    Is This POCD?

    Below is an email I sent to my therapist when I was really distressed. He doesn’t speacilizd in OCD but has enough knowledge to diagnose is and he concluded, even after sending him this email which I was sure would cause him to diagnose me with pedophilia, said that I was still suffering from OCD. I know this should give me reassurance, but this all feels way too real for me for this to be OCD and would like some second opinions espdcially because I know there are a lot of pddofiles on this forum. I know it is very long, but I’d appreciate if you’d read as much as you need to make a judgement. Hi Chris this is Nathan and this probably goes against some sort of guideline because this isn’t a part of a standard session but I am really distressed and need help. I don’t think the pedofile thoughts pertain to obsessional thinking anymore. I already told you that this all started when I was watching a news report about a pedofile one day and then I had the random thought “could I be a pedofile?” and I had a major panic attack accompanied with extreme persistant anxiety. Even though I knew the answer was no as I had never been attracted to kids before ever in my life, but in my mind I had to be 110% sure that I wasn’t a pedofile. That same day my normal labido tanked, I started obsessing and trying to solve this question trying to prove that I wasn’t a pedofile, I started getting horrifingly disturbing intrusive thoughts about me doing sexual things to children which freaked me out, I searched for reassurance online to confirm that what I was experiencing was just anxiety and that I wasn’t a pedofile, and I started doing checking rituals which I’ve already told you about. In the beginning I would be checking 20 maybe 30 times a day. It was all encompassing and each time nothing would happen but sometimes I felt like there was a slight movement and then I would keep obsessing about it. I would ruminate about this question every second of the day, and there was no way I could stop thinking about it. Eventually the more I checked the more these groinal responses got worse and worse. It felt like each time there was more and more movement which would cause more paralyzing anxiety. Whenever I would see a child I would get extremely anxious and start doing certain compulsions like repeating a phrase over and over again and trying to diffuse the anxiety by thinking about evidence for why I wasn’t a pedofile. At this time I had no idea what this was. I was hoping it was just anxiety but I felt like I was a pedofile and was just in denial. In the beginning these obsessional periods would last for a week and then they would stop for a week and everything was normal but then it’d spike up again. However, as this condition progressed these periods of rest became less common to the point where it is now where I’m obsessing about it every second of the day. Then I started analyzing any small movement in my groin which caused these groinal responses to get even worse. They became instantaneous and what’s even worse is that I began confusing symptoms of anxiety for symptoms of arousal. I started obsessing over my heart beating faster, light headedness, clumsiness, and hot flashes amongst other things whenever I would get panicked by a child’s presence. In tandem with these very very mild groinal responses it seemed so real to me. When I was around a child I would constantly be thinking “what if I’m attracted to them? Does this feeling mean I’m attracted to them? What does this groinal response mean?” along with other racing thoughts. This was really scary to me because I had never experienced an instantaneous arousal like feeling before especially because I’m not an agressively sexual person; or maybe I just don’t remember because I’ve been struggling with this for 2 years. I had always fantasized about girls and checked girls out and I would be aroused by that but it wasn’t as instantaneous. But at the same time I KNEW I was attracted to girls. As soon as puberty hit I KNEW I was attracted to girls and even started fantasizing about girls when I was only 10-11z My old friends said that I always fell for girls way too easily and ON TOP of that I had a crush on a girl that was one year older than me for 6 years. But despite this evidence, this instananeous arousal type feeling that acompanied the intense anxiety from questioning whether I was a pedofile or not nullified those past experiences in my mind. Then, the obsessions died down. In the beginning I used to alienate myself from all kids because I was constantly thinking “what if I see a kid and I’m attracted to them?” which caused me great anxiety of course. The more I exposed myself to kids however and the more I stopped giving attention to those thoughts the anxiety and groinal responses started to fade. I felt so liberated and thought that these shackles that were this disorder had finally been removed. However, only 3 weeks later I started obsessing over my little cousin who’s 4 years younger than me. During a family beach trip, I had glanced at her when we were all swimming and I instantly started thinking “Did I just look at her in a sexual way? Do I find her sexually attractive?” The anxiety hit me like it did that first time: sinking stomach, heart racing, sweating, all of that. This obsession would follow me throughout the beach trip and for months after that. She became the focus of my checking rituals and I was filled with dread after I was done checking. Then this expanded to my other little cousins too. I was being constantly bombarded with what ifs surrounding my cousins and was checking all of my bodily reactions to them whenever I thought about them. This lasted for months. The only good thing about this period is that one night when I was seeking reassurance online I found out that this was actually a theme of OCD and I found many communities online with this same theme. I related to everything these sourced (international ocd foundation amongst other psychiatric professional) were telling me. For a little while, I thought I had found my answer. But of course this didn’t last. My OCD started questioning this too and I began posting on these forums seeking reassurance that I wasn’t a pedofile on a daily basis. In a year I would be doing this 4 times a day. Then my obsessions started to focus on my little brother. This is one of the most horrendous themes of my obsessions and marked a really really dark turn in this disorder. Because of this transition I was obsessing less about my little cousins and eventually all the anxiety surrounding them dissipated like the anxiety over all little kids did. But, the unique thing about the obsessions over my brother is that I couldn’t escape him. I lived with him, so I was constantly having intrusive thoughts and what ifs surrounding him. The checking rituals got more extreme, and each time I would do this ritual, you guessed it, the groinal responses they produced would get worse and worse. It got to point where I had to avoid my brother as I was constantly confusing anxiety for arousal and the groinal responses were grtting progressively worse. A breaking point for me was when we went on a cruise during spring break. After months and months of checking and testing and feeding this obsessional thinking through various compulsions the groinal responses became near erections. I couldn’t be around him. These groinal responses were so real that I was convinced I was a pedofile. I saw nothing sexual about my brother NOTHING, these were so extreme and the intrusive thoughts and the anxiety was so exteme that I was convinced I was a pedofile. The worst part about this is that this theme lasted for the majority of my 1 year relationship with Beza. I loved her so much and being around her reminded me that I wasn’t a pedofile. That my feelings for girls were so so strong. That no one could ever replace her and that she was the one thing thoughout this whole condition that made me happy and filled me with joy. But, around 8 months into our relationship, when this theme started getting really bad, I started becoming really distant. I’ve already told you about this, but it devestated her. This disorder invaded this one person who took all the pain away from my life. Whenever I was with her I started thinking “Do I really love her? Am I really attracted to her? What if I’m mire attracted to kids?” My checking became comparing mental images of my brother to mental images of my Beza and eventually whatever groinal response to my brother became more instantaneous. I was still aroused by her whenever I was with her but what happened during checking confused me and drove me further into this obsession. Then it got worse, when I was checking I would think of sexual scenarios of Beza and then compared it to sexual scenarios with my brother. The former was extremely enjoyable but the latter filled me with dread and I could only entertain that image for a few seconds before stopping and then crying. I would do this around 50 times a day, and each time I would push myself to think of those scenarios of my brother for a longer period of time. Of course, the groinal responses to these scenarios got worse and worse. I never lost my arousal to my Beza, but the questioning was always there. And at some moments, regrettably, I would panick and start to masturbate but would never finish. This tore me apart and I couldn’t live with myself. It began to feel like something I HAD to do. This questioning and anxiety even affected intimate moments a few times which only fed my obsession. I was totally convinced I was a pedofile, and it was getting tok intense for me. I couldn’t tell if I loved her anymore, so I broke up with her. She cried on my arm for half an hour and after she left I experienced a feeling of regret was more intense than any other time in my life. I knew I loved her, and I let this disease win. This however, wasn’t the darkest part at all. The darkest period of this disease is the one I am in now. In french class at the end of last school year we watched a movie about a child correctional school choir. At one point, I thought the main character looked good. Through obsession and reassurance seeking I would find out that this kid was 13 at the time of filming. It was a completely innocent thought with no sexual conntation. It was in the some vain as I could admire a guy looking good eith nothing sexual in there. I only thought he looked good because of his face, and could never even imagine having sex with him or any child that age because it’s not appealing to me at all. I think their bodies are so underdeveloped and i’m not sexually attracted to them at all it’s just weird to me. I’m only really attracted to girls that are a year younger than me or older. But anyways, this filled me with dread. I started thinking “I thought this child looks good does that mean I’m attracted to him? Does this mean I have a crush on him?” I was overwhelmed with a tsunami of anxiety. Of course I confused this anxiety for arousal, and has history tend to repeat itself I started obsessing over this boy and scanning my body for any sign of arousal whilst ruminated over whether I was attracted to him or not. This theme really consumed me, because it started by me thinking that the child looked good. Naturally this replaced the obsessions over my brother and all the anxiety surrounding him went away. The same pattern repeated for this kid however the cycle came quicker and with more intensity. I was obsessing about him more than any other child this OCD fixated on. The what ifs and intrusive thoughts drove me crazy. I would be in class seekinf reassurance on my usual forums literally every second of the day. I had to sure that what I was experiencing was typical of this theme of OCD, and users on the forum who got through this theme said that it was, but that reassurance only alieved my worries for a little bit and only caused me to crave more and more of it. Then, the darkest part hit me. The panicked masturbation became more frequent. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even be aroused. The groinal responses were still very mild but the panicked madturbation became frequent enough that whenever I would check the arousal would occur fast. And then i felt like masturbation was something I had to do. I didn’t enjoy it, there wasn’t any sexual ideation, I didn’t even think about him when I did it, and I wouldn’t do it all the time. Most of the time I would masturbate to women, but every once and a while when I was checking and filled with dread and despair and devoid of all hope I would feel the groinal response and just do it. This of course made these groinal responses worse and caused my attraction to women to tank even more. I started telling myself I couldn’t be attracted to women and that I must be a pedofile because of this. This has been cemented into my brain. While I was masturbating and while I was looking at girls in class I would tell myself “It’s no use stop wasting your time you’re not attracted to them you’re just in denial”. Everything got much darker, there was no light anymore, I couldn’t see anything else besides him. I felt like I conditioned my brain to only respond sexually to him. Lauren gave me some reassurance. I felt that same feeling with her that I felt with Beza. The joy, that feeling of escape, the attraction, everything. But then she broke my heart, and for a while the obsession didn’t come back. But then it did, with intrusive thoughts that didn’t surround the kid from the movie but around the theme of all kids again. Then eventually the kid was put back into the fray and the cycle started all over again. Now a new obsession has stemmed from this one. Now it focuses on 14 year old boy that I think look good in some way, not even sexually, not wanting to do anything sexual with them. This is what I’m hung up on. It’s so specific that it must be real. I must be a pedofile. Years of checking and years of this disease have just made me this way. I am just this now. People on reddit and other forums tell me it’s still OCD despite this but it is so far from irrational that it literally can’t possibly be. I must be a pedofile. I’m not aroused by “adult sexual material” with women in it anymore, I’m only aroused by this specific group and it feels so real now. Of course, these groinal responses are precluded by and intense anxiety and a what if, but I’m acclimated now towards responding sexually to this almost instantly now. I think this is the end of the road for me. Last year was simultaneously the best and worst year of my life. It was the best because I had a good group of friends, because I had a girl that loved me more than anyone else on this planet (she’s tied with my mom MAYBE), because of all the experiences I had with these friends and my girlfriend, because I exuded confidence and was secure of my personality (I like to use this metaphor: last year I had a quiff, one that everyone liked and that made me seem like a reall cool guy. This year I shaved my head, and now I barely recognize myself), and because during the summer I had this really good internship in DC which is the BEST city in the world and gives me that same type of happiness I felt with Beza; but it was the worst because of this POCD, and because I didn’t know it was nothing compared to the hell I’m living in now. I think it’s too late for me. I think years of checking has busted up my natural sexuality, and that my attraction to girls will never return. I think this is just who I am now. I realize this pattern. You will probably say that if I just ignored the groinal responses, ignored the anxiety, ignore the intrusive thoughts, maybe stop masturbating to anything then everything will start to go back to normal. But I think I’m in too deep. In the beginning I can easily say that this was all irrational, but it seems far too real now. If I could go back in time to when I first asked my self that question I would slap my past self maybe like 100 times and say don’t do it. Don’t even think about it. You’ve overthought everything in your past, and in many situations that’s been helpful, but not this one. Trust me. You’re not a pedofile. You know you’re into girls. Go text your friends. That’s what I would say. I just want to go back to normal but I don’t think I can. I want to start living life again and live in 2018 again. I think I have a lot of potential and what to do a lot of things in life but I’m so caught up in this disorder that I think it will be the death of me. When this started I said if this didn’t go away in a year I would kill myself.
  2. I hope people with OCD will find this at least somewhat helpful (the new perspective): https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180502174911.htm
  3. Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.
  4. Hello, my name is Lauren. I have Dysthymia, OCD, and acute anxiety. I have a hard time making friends because I honestly think everyone hates me, but my therapist said I should try connecting to others with similar problems to me, so, here I am. I'm 23, married, and I hate myself. Who can relate?
  5. Hi everyone! I hope this post finds you well I'm super happy to have finally joined this forum and I can't wait for to give/receive support and have great conversations! My name is Bri and I'm a 22 year old female. I have been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety. I do not take any medications and do not wish to (I was prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro and after 2 doses I basically lost my mind). I hope to heal and recover naturally, even though it'll be a tougher road I have a great support system and a strong desire to get better! More recently I have been struggling with bouts of feeling unreal and like I'm dreaming, about to wake up. I feel very detached and I am truly terrified. I have just come down from an intense 2 month period of an extreme obsession, and a week after I finally recovered from that I got scared that I had no anxiety at all so I had a moment of derealization, which naturally my purely obsessional OCD latched onto because it latches on any fear I may have when I am weak, and for the last 3 days I have been obsessing over depersonalization and derealization (not sure even if I even have them or if my OCD is making myself believe I have them) Overall, I meet weekly with a counselor and I plan to begin CBT soon with an OCD specialist and hope to conquer my latest suffering. I am also looking into a new diet to specifically help my brain function better and begin working out to help my anxiety as well. Also, I'm attempting to gain a normal sleep schedule and to possibly look into yoga/meditation along with some amazing self help books I lean on. Any feedback or anything you want to say, please feel free to share! I can't wait to chat with you all Best- Bri
  6. WARNING : This post is a pretty long one. I apologize in advance. I'll get to the point, but before that, I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm 21 years old. I'm from India, and you can call me Hollow. I have OCD. With saying that, I'll get on with the story. It all started 10 years ago, back when I was in 6th grade. I would get repeated intentions to hurt, cause harm and even kill people who are close to me. Mostly family members and friends. However, every time I've made an attempt to do harm, I would either miss, or not be able to do it. The most common examples I can give is hitting a family member, but missing, or even push someone in front of incoming traffic and miss. Either that, or the person I pushed would move beforehand, thus making him out of my reach. The biggest form of this is stabbing. Whenever I see the kitchen knife, I get the urge to stab my family members with it. But as always, I'd fail to do so, either by missing or some reason or the other. This all has caused severe distress in me, and the feelings of guilt and self loathe would consume me. However, upon being diagnosed with OCD, I've taken prescribed medication since then and would visit the state mental hospital from time to time. Things have improved considerably, and though I've had low episodes every now and then, life was more or less normal. However, as of late, from 2014, that is, from the age of 19, things have gone towards a new, darker turn. Let me tell you the story of this as well. From 18, my testosterone level has shot up quite high. Generally, many people vent off by watching porn. However, for me, I'd vent off from virtual sex, or, sexual roleplay (rp). Roleplay refers to performing actions through words. The action you wish to perform is typed between the star (*) signs. For example, if I want to pat your shoulder, I simply type, *pats your shoulder*. So I'm sure you can imagine how sexual rp goes. I got into rp, and was soon addicted to it. I'd rp with anyone and everyone I could find. I'd rp with people as young as 9 to people who were twice my age. At that time, I didn't care. But then, I thought... Does roleplaying with such young people make me a pedophile..? That's where the worrying started. However, I didn't stop. I'd still rp with very young people. And my lust was so great, I'd even ask for nudes from them. Things have not ended there. The app that I used to rp is this app called kik. On kik, you can talk with and be friends with random people online. I remember that there were people who would post, talking about exchanging child porn and rape videos. I have memories of exchanging and trading such videos and pictures with such people. And for a long time, I have been, and still do feel remorse for viewing and pleasuring myself to child porn. I have memories of doing such things, and I've talked this out with my friends, family and therapist. They all said the same thing, that this all is a phase. My best friend, who was an avid viewer of porn, told me that child porn exists only on the deep web, and people like us can't access it. Along with all this, I have memories of involving in human and child trafficking via kik and other media. But when I talked this out with my friends and family, they all told me that these are false memories. But I'm not able to accept the fact that these are false memories, because I remember doing such things, and I feel sick about it. When I remember these things, I get 4 thought : 1. The memory. 2. The guilt. 3. Telling myself that these are false memories and that they've never happened. 4. Remembering the memory and telling myself that I'm lying to myself by saying that these are false memories, and I should be punished. And it sickens me. I've consulted my friends, family and even my college counselor about this. They all told me that I'm not a pedophile, as all this is on a virtual basis. They also said that I don't show the characteristics of a pedophile. They said that a pedophile feels no remorse for his actions, and try justifying themselves. And also, that they show this behavior from an early age. However, I'm the opposite. I've had none of these issues before the age of 19. In all aspects, I want to be married to a woman. Despite all this, I feel as if I'm a pedophile. I feel like a criminal. I feel that I should be punished, and I feel absolutely disgusted of myself. Self loathe has consumed me and I'm drowning in self doubt. I've been researching on this topic, and feel more and more like a pedophile/criminal. I feel like a misfit. The depression attacks keep getting worse. I can't bear to be with myself. I feel so disgusted. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I only get solace in sleep. I need closure. I have no idea what to do.
  7. This might seem offensive to people with OCD although I don't want to offend anyone, sorry if I do ;-; I have a few symptoms easily associated with OCD, but I know I don't have it. I've read a lot about OCD, I have some friends who suffer from it and i've read posts from people that actually have it - What I mean is that my symptoms are not strong enough, neither in quantity, to be OCD. It doesn't interfere with my life either. What's the problem then? I feel like I want to have OCD. What?? No you don't want it - of course I don't. This is confusing me a lot. I know I DON'T want to have it. I've read enough to know I don't want, I know it's not like 'oh I'm sooo OCD because I like to have all clean and organized' and more like 'I HAVE to do this compulsion because if not this person will die and I can't help it bescause anxiety and I can't stop visualizing how I harm my loved ones but I don't want to' and I know it doesn't feel any good and that every OCD experience is different and it's not a desirable thing. I don't want anyone to tell me 'you DON'T want it' because I already know I don't want it. I just -feel- like I want it. It's a feeling, it's an obsession I guess. I often find myself researching about OCD and 'oh I have this symptoms' 'I have OCD' 'NO I don't have it.' 'But what if' And the thought of having OCD feels good, at the same time feels horrible. I don't even know why it feels good to me, but i'm terrified. Why would I want to have OCD? Why am I feeling like this? Yesterday I posted an ask on MIM Tumblr and while I was waiting for the response I started to research about the symptoms - again. I've been doing this quite a lot. I don't even have to research anymore to know most of the symptoms. The thing is that I started to feel bad, really bad. I started to feel something weird on my chest and my heart rate speeding. My respiration seemed normal but I had to breathe slowly to calm myself, I just wanted to cry and felt like I was a terrible person. I'm currently posting this here to see if someone had any experience like this, like wanting to have any other mental illness - and at the same time not. I asked a friend who has OCD, he told me he had a similar experience with other illness, so that's why I ask here. I've been feeling like this since two weeks ago, the strongest feeling yesterday. Although I've been researching about OCD and worrying about the symptoms - but knowing that's not what I've got, like from 3 months ago or more. I'm afraid to go to a therapist, I don't know if I'm more afraid about getting a diagnose or about not getting any diagnose at all. I'm really confused. I will go to a therapist, anyways, if this keeps happening for more time and I can't ignore it. I could until this last week, kinda. Thank you for reading, I always over explain myself :/ and sorry if I offended anyone. I don't mean to, i'm just scared...
  8. I suffer from OCD and depression as well. But I'm undergoing therapy and I'm here to hear you out if you need me.If I don't respond to you here, feel free to reach out to me at arnabco@gmail.com.
  9. I suffer from OCD and depression as well. But I'm undergoing therapy and I'm here to hear you out if you need me.If I don't respond to you here, feel free to reach out to me at arnabco@gmail.com.
  10. Anyone here who has OCD or has good knowledge about it..? I'd like to talk with such people and share a bit of myself. My OCD involves violence and many intrusive things...
  11. Anyone here who has OCD or has good knowledge about it..? I'd like to talk with such people and share a bit of myself. My OCD involves violence and many intrusive things...
  12. Ntoulinho

    Dysthymia?

    I am 19 Years Old and I am studying my second year of university at econimic sience. I was diagnosed with brain tumour when I was 16. My Life has been all ups and downs Really stressful at times and a great blessing at others. I have always been abused by my schoolmates and took pills(I don't remember the drug but It wasn't even a psychiatrist it was my aunt who is a neurologist) because my parents disliked my reaction. The stress started from a young age when I wanted to study with my grandmother in Brazil and my mother did not allow me to. When I was 15 because of Greece's risk of going bankrupt she finally allowed me to stay with my grandmother and my aunt. That year 2012 was a huge stress because everyone(including my close family) told me that I should go to the second year of Brazilian highschool and did not acknowledge I had been through the Greek equivalent. I studied the first year again although this they acknowledged I had passed and spent 2 hours per day doing cram school to cover for my Portuguese Language and the difference in contents. I studied Probability Progressions(AP&GP) System Solving Euclidian Geometry Electicity Thermodynamics Organic Chemistry Genetics Species Evolution. that they hadn't studied yet While I hadn't studied Linear Algebra Cyclical Movements Pauling Diagrams and the phases of Meiosis and Mitosis. Plus everything was taught at Portuguese that even though it was my second mother language I was not so familiar. When the half year ended I finally proved that I was much superior to my classmates and I had already finished the next year(to be) as my age indicated. Thought this was at the cost of studying in my place(a year ahead) and learning. I should had gone half a year earlier to study my second year and the third and get higher grades because I would later need them. Since 2007 I had severe migraines and I always heard excuses by my MOTHER,FATHER,AUNT(who is a neurologist),GRANDMOTHER (4 people) not to help me find out what I had because I knew deep inside I had something I It is stress II Too much computer III You are tired IV You are hypochondriac Result 2013 papilar edema possible PseudoTumor MRI HUGE lesion possibly Craniofaryngioma Surgery neurobioppsy Astrocytoma non-benign. Since the Surgery I lost 90% of vision in the right eye due to scaring of cornea ulcer, I lost completely the hearing in the right side, I was 10 months wheelchair-bound and have been leaving with a CSF valve since Since I found out I was right for some reason the mood changes became even narrower I scarcely cried which I already did not do very often and stopped laughing at all I feel that I do not enjoy things that used to entertain me but still things like reading which I did not like I still don't like so it is not a taste change but lack in enjoyment. I find my self insisting a lot on sometimes futile things something that I always did. I take 125 mg of Pregabalin 125 mg of Clomipramine 1.5 mg of Risperidone I used to take Fluvoxamine, Clonazepam, Aripiprazol(which I wasn't very receptive) I used to have psychoanalysis which helped before the surgery but now I have been through many psychiatrists only one of the a psychotherapist and we had a bit of CBT. The Grades were needed to get accepted in tertiary education. I had no acceptance exam due to my severe illness and filled my paper on base on my High School Grades. I always wanted to study medicine and as a plan B I wanted to study law but neither accepted me and I was send to Economic Sciences. I am not very fluent in writing because I check too much but I think I got my message sent. Much Stressful Events and lack of pleasure thereafter I have tried all sort of things and none pleasure me . What will?
  13. Like... I just get so stuck on a certain food I want. After a day or so I just get frustrated and the craving or whatever will not stop until I get it. Nothing else will fit. It drives me so mad I can throw a tantrum for it and it makes me want to cry... I don't know if its my OCD linking up to my ED or something but its making me want to cry now. I feel like a freaking baby and now I have a headache.
  14. Hello! I really don't know how to begin: I am suffering! Right now, and in every minute. I am afraid, that I might be wrong. When I have a problem, or when I think about something, I am afraid, that my thoughts/etc. could be wrong. When I find a solution, I am extremely satisfied. But then I think "But it could be wrong as well, because of this and this" and it starts from the beginning. The problems I have are thinking problems. When I hear about Communism for example, I think why could this be wrong. And then, after I've found a solution, then another thought pops up in my head saying "But what's when..." and it lasts for about 5 hours (the longest period was two days!). I do not even know why I am thinking about Communism (just one of a few examples) and why I continue to think. Maybe because of perfectionism. Maybe I want to be "perfect" and to "know everything and to be right in every matter". Yes, I use logic thoughts. I mean: When I think about Communism e.g., I try to think extremely logically. I try to avoid fallacies. Indeed, when I talk about it with my friends, my friends do not know how to argue with me, because they don't know any opposite argument. They say, that I had to be a politician or something like this. But this is the deep reality of such a person: Your thoughts are not leaving your head. You wake up, and you start to thing about such situations. You sleep, so you dream about it. Everyday I have an enormous headache because of this. And my problem is: I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to think normally, literally. When I talk about it to my parents (about my thoughts), they're just like: "Why you are thinking about those pointless situations" (My thoughts are going deeper, and deeper, and deeper, and at one point, they're deep enough to not be understood by 99% of the people). One example is: "What if you imagine that the 'dictatorship of the proletariat' is originally meant as a metaphor and it only means that you have to make taxes higher up to 50 per cent?". I know, it's a kinda strange example, but these thoughts are like this. And when I found a very strong contra-argument, I start to worry extremely, I become angry, afraid of the whole situation, it's just like a whole world is going down. Not a good feeling. And it only ends when I have found a solution. Because I think, I can never be happy. I can never enjoy a movie because I've not thought a thing to the end. This thing ruins my life. I cannot enjoy anything just because I cannot rest from my thoughts, they're hunting me and when they find me, I have to thing about this topic. And even when I've found a solution, I think about it over and over again, just "to feel that I'm right". Really, I want to be normal again. It is one of the worst "diseases" you can have, I wish it to no one! I've also made a personality test (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) online. The result: INTJ. T (for thinking): 100% It sounds cool but it really isn't. I tried to distract myself, but with no results: Every time I want to begin making something productive, I start thinking. And then, I just lay on my bed (or go up and down) and think for the next 3-5 hours. And I cannot stop because "I'm too deep in this crap". My problem is that I cannot accept the fact that I actually don't know a solution/something for a topic. And it makes me feel helpless, like the world end is just coming up. Like if a world is just broken down like glass. It's difficult to describe, I tried once to stop thinking about this. There was a moment where I said to myself: "Just stop thinking, f**k it". Eight hours later, I couldn't fall asleep because I had this thoughts in my head. Through the whole eight hours, the thoughts didn't go. The thoughts were more quiet, but this didn't help. The thoughts are only gone when I've solved the problem. Another time, I'd found another problem right before going to bed. I could only sleep for 5 hours and this was the worst sleep you can imagine. In the next morning, I found the solution at last. I also have problems with studying and writing exams, just due to my thinking-problem. I lack in concentration so bad that I literally write crap on my paper (every time I get the test I just ask myself: "WTF I've written!?"). I also have the feeling that I need to write when this thing has started: It was 1,5 years before, I guess. Before, I was fine. I had my dog-phobia (I have it as far as I remember), but I wasn't interested in thinking/problems/... I was just a normal guy who wanted to have fun. Then, I felt in love with a girl. The problems: She was two years younger than me (it is not so bad, I know, but come on: a 15 year old guy and a 13 year old girlfriend?) and she was the sister of a good friend of mine (so I didn't even tell anyone that I'd been in love with her, because I didn't want to ruin my friendship with him). So, I gave her up. De jure. De facto: not. I was so extremely in love, every time, I saw her, I felt to the ground, because my knees were just like pudding. I started to search on the internet if someone asked a question with the words "love" and "boy". The 16 hours I was awake, I probably spent 3 of them just searching after "her question". I wasn't in love anymore, I was limerent. Then, on February 24th 2014, I saw her with her boyfriend cuddling. Since then, I was destroyed. This crap f**ked myself. I was depressed, really depressed. I really had to take medicine (my parents do not know about this story, I started to take it as I developed sleep problems). After that, I've felt normal. But during this dark period, I've developed unusual thinking-habits. I started to interest myself in politics/economics/philosophy/..., the themes, I use to think about it a lot. Then, some months ago, I had a kinda traumatic experience: I wanted to inform myself about anarchism, and then, I've found arguments for anarchy which I couldn't answer. It hit me so hard that I didn't know what to do (like a shock). I could find a solution to it, but it was so shocking for me that I've developed the main problems since then. 1,5 years ago, I wouldn't react in this way. I think, that the first dilemma was for being emotionally unstabile and the second one to be mentally unstabile. Now I am here, I probably know more about those themes I've mentioned as my classmates, and I hate it. I want to go to the forest and to look at trees without questioning the evolution. You understand? Everything is a trigger for me. I want "to live", not "to think". Because when you live, you are present. And when you think, you are in your mind. Two worlds. Brah. But, for example, when I go through the forest and I see some trees, and when I actually start to question evolution (just an example), the first thoughts hit me like Mike Tyson Alan in "The Hangover". They're literally knockouting me. Like: "Oh no you have to think no time for life". And then they're saying: "We only let you out when you've found a solution". Of course, I do not hear voices in my mind, I mean it kinda metaphoric. And the craziest thing is: I let them in and I listen to them. I don't know, why it hits me so hard. I really think because of the two dilemmas. I hope, you can understand me better now. It's like worrying too much about a topic, but you cannot see that it's (the worries) pointless because you want to find this solution for a topic. And when you do not find a solution for it, you feel like sh**. Like your inner balance is gone. Example: I see a tree and ask myself: "What if evolution is wrong?". Then I develop theories about creationism. Then I ask myself: "But what about theological evolution?". Then I think further. And then, at a certain point, I get a thought that seems kinda insolvable. "What when Darwin has actually written some information about theological evolution? What when he's hidden a necessary god in his theory?". And then, I do some research, but usually, I never find anything. Then, I think about it, how it exactly was. It's like solving a sudoku with 17 filled boxes (as far as I know it's the necessary number to solve a sudoku-puzzle). You have very little information and you try to figure the history out just with this information. And that's the point where it starts (sometimes my first thought is this insolvable question/theory): You're not in peace till you've solved. You know that feeling, when you play a video game and you cannot win. Imagine, what if you stop playing this video game without wining this level? Shitty feeling, right? And imagine it 100 times stronger. You're not even close to this I must feel. I really hope you understood me now. (And yes, I do think about evolution (because I'm interested in theology and it's a contrast to it), as I've stated, I think about philosophy, theology, politics and economics). Maybe it's not anxiety, but it feels like this. ​I hope you can understand me and that you can help me! (I am not a native speaker - Sorry for my English)
  15. So... I just need to get this verified. (Is this the right board to post this on?) I think it's just my anxiety, but I can't say for sure. Please help thank you. (Note: The only mental disorders I have is OCD, anxiety, and depression. All professionally diagnosed, so not self-diagnosed.) So, I have a fear of delusions, because I remember one time I didn't get enough sleep and I was playing a Pokemon game, and I swore they were "talking" to me, and I couldn't tell if it was real or not, and then I had a panic attack. Later on I realized it as fake, but at the time it seemed so real. Ever since that day, I have had a fear of delusions. A couple of days ago, I woke up around 2:40am, (I think I was still dreaming while I was awake) and the walls were pink with hearts and flowers around them, but soon it vanished and my room was normal again. (My room is blue, with a gold ceiling on top, and green dots between the blue and gold.) During that time, I was thinking weirdly. I thought my mom died, but I knew she wasn't dead, but it felt like she really was dead!!! Afterwards, I thought God was talking to me, but I knew He wasn't talking to me, but it felt real... I think I had a anxiety attack afterwards but I don't really know if it counts as a anxiety attack. After I went back to bed, I woke up feeling fine and I knew they weren't true at all. So it's weird, because at the time I can't tell if it's real, but afterwards I know it's fake. But they seem real to me, it's freaky. Sometimes my anxiety (and OCD, I have OCD I don't know if that's playing a part in this but hey it's possible) makes me believe in things that aren't true. Like, for an example, if someone got hurt, I would feel sad, but my OCD keeps giving me that reoccurring thought that I actually DON'T care about this person and I should be ashamed and hurt myself. I really hope this is just my anxiety/OCD, because if it's actually delusional thinking I'm going to cry. I can't have this it's too scary I can't deal with it. Sorry if my post offends anyone. After rereading this, I'm pretty sure it's just my anxiety. Just need to know for sure though.
  16. Hello. I suppose I should begin by telling you a bit about myself. My name is Frankie. I'm 18. I live in Minnesota. I'm a trans* male, and I consider myself demipansexual. I've been diagnosed with Major Depression with psychotic features, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia, Insomnia, PTSD, OCD, ADHD, ADD, Anorexia Nervosa, Borderline Personality Disorder, Gender Identity Disorder, and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I was also diagnosed with Crohn's Disease, and I've tried to commit suicide once. I've been dealing with depression, ADD, ADHD, OCD, and anxiety since I was little. I was bullied a lot as a kid, and I quickly became depressed, and suicidal as time went on. The bullying also contributed to my feelings of anxiety, which materialized into me avoiding most forms of social contact. I started cutting when I was 13, and tried to commit suicide when I was 15. I tried to bleed out, as well as overdose on ibuprofen. I was unsuccessful, because I only cut my legs at the time, and I didn't take enough pills to knock me out, only enough to make me sick. No one noticed, so I didn't tell anyone and I didn't have to go to the hospital. Going back a little bit, when I was 14, I was hit by a car on my bike, and now I have a phobia of driving, and I'm still trying to get over my PTSD. This is also when the psychotic features of my depression came to light. They got progressively worse over the years, and when I was 16, they sent me to the hospital for fear of another suicide attempt. From there, I went on to the Partial Program at the hospital, and then on to DBT, which I graduated from after 7 months. By that time, I was nearing the end of my senior year in high school. I graduated a little over 3 months later, and then I went back to the hospital for a stomachache I had had since March. They diagnosed me with Crohn's Disease 2 months later. Then, I moved and started my first semester of college. In October, I had to go back to the hospital for my depression. I didn't attempt suicide, but I was dangerously close to doing so. I was hospitalized in the adult ward for a week, and then I went back to school after dropping 3 classes. I quickly learned that I was still suicidal, and that I needed help. So, I withdrew from school, and now I'm seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, and I plan on going back to DBT soon. If you've read all of this, I congratulate you. I've got a pretty long and boring history of mental problems. I suppose I should head off to bed, now. It's pretty late. I wish you all a good and safe night.
  17. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm emotionally aware of what's going on, but I don't know how to control it. (Trigger warning: Mental illness and self-harm.) I'll break it up into two parts, so it won't be messy. 1.) My OCD is getting worse. I'll get disturbing images relating with things I don't want to talk about. I don't really have a *physical* ritual that'll help me calm down. I have a mental one, but lately they haven't been working because the images will get worse and worse. Then there's voices that'll make me mentally say things I don't even mean to say, and they get in the way of everything! The voices makes me think I need to "punish" myself for thinking things I don't even mean to think about. I've tried exposure therapy for one of my bad thoughts, and it worked! But some of the things I absolutely cannot look up, it's beyond scary. Is there another way to not think these thoughts, without resorting to exposure therapy or medication? 2.) My guilt is eating me up. I have a horrible time dealing with it, because the only way I cope with it is to cut myself. (Especially if I end up offending someone, that's when I'll go into a frenzy!) I try my best to be good and not hurt people, but sometimes it's unintentional, and I'll apologize, and they'll forgive me, but the guilt feeling won't go away even after the situation has ended. It'll only go away if I hurt myself. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to forgive myself, because I don't really like myself at all. I'm sorry for any grammatical/spelling errors- it's 12:50AM here. (Some people can stay up longer I don't know how they do it. :0 )
  18. Hello, I am new to this forum. I am very grateful for the existence of such a forum, dedicated to helping those suffering from psychologic ailments. So thus, I have come to this forum for help, and also to help others. For starters, I am a 20 year old male. And, approximately half of a year ago, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, a disorder consisting of a combination of symptoms from the two disorders of Schizophrenia and Bipolar. I do not quite experience the manic aspect of the Bipolar, but it mostly comes in the form of relapsing continual depressive periods instead. Anyways, I will explain one of my current mail dilemmas. Recently, my friend and I got together for Spring Break. It was fun, he's a great guy. But, he does show an affinity for pornography, I suspect he likes women a bit too much. However, unsuspectingly, he showed me this pornographic website recently, with I am pretty certain of an intention of viewing mature women, and there were largely pictures/images of mature women on this website, but this website led to another website where, to be honest, many of the females looked to be, at a moderately liberal estimate, significantly under the age of 18 years old, the age of legal consent. We, perhaps to a larger extent, I, were at the least quite disturbed by what appeared to be minors in pornography. This was on my lap top, so I quickly told my friend to exit this particular website, and he did so. Then, I started panicking. I had no idea what to do. I was/am terrified that I would/am go/going to prison. I do not want to end up in prison, certainly nobody does. I am terrified that some external agency/institution knows what website we came across, and I am terrified now that law enforcement is coming to arrest me. So, the next day, after my friend left, I took out the hard drive of my lap top, destroyed the disk into pieces, and then promptly threw out the hard drive along with the rest of my lap top. I did not want the external agency that could have possibly known to raid my home and then search my lap top and find at the very least traces of illegal pornography. I do not want to go to prison, I am just so terrified I might. I do not want to be labeled as a sex offender and thus be labeled as a threat to society...I could not live with such a burden...I would rather take my own life than be shamed with such a negativity. Is Law Enforcement capable of finding such disk pieces which have been broken up in trash heaps and then reading them to find out what is on them? I hope to God not. Furthermore, what if law enforcement is tracking me online right now? What if they are reading this post/know what I am doing, so that they can use it as evidence against me? What if one or more of the members on this forum reading my post is a member of law enforcement and then takes the initiative to report it back to their fellow law enforcement officials so that they can arrest and imprison me? I would not last a day in prison, I could not survive there. Prison is for aggressive and violent people, I am not a violent or aggressive person... And furthermore, now I think I am starting to develop Pedophilia related OCD. I watch Law and Order SVU, and I watch Chris Hansen "To catch a predator" on youtube videos, as I am fascinated by such media material respectively as those. However, they greatly disturb me and now I cannot get out of my head the possibility that what if one of those criminals turns out to be me? I mean, I can say with certainty that I am not sexually attracted to children, but what if I am slowly becoming a pedophile? I mean, Pedophilia is a disease, a disease that individuals unfortunately suffer from, and it becomes a necessity to separate the disease from the individual affected by this/the disease. But nevertheless, I do not wish to be afflicted by this disease...I do not want to struggle the rest of my life, to go to prison, to be labeled as a sex offender...I keep having these fears that law enforcement such as the FBI and/or the police are just waiting to come storming into my house to arrest me. I am just waiting for them to find the broken remnants in the trash piles of those hard drive disks I threw out and then read them so that they can convict me. I am just waiting to go to prison amidst an existential background that tells me the world around me is collapsing, my life is over, I am a bum, a loser, a creep. I am only 20 years old, and my life is already over. If I go to prison, I will be murdered assuredly. I just cannot take it anymore. There are like intrusive thoughts that are currently afflicting me, either they are intrusive thoughts or internal voices, I am not sure at this point, but they keep telling me that at this point it is better for me to commit suicide rather than go through the pains of being prosecuted, imprisoned, labeled a sex offender, and being left to rot. I just wish none of this ever happened....I mean, I have never once molested/touched a child in an inappropriate manner/way. In fact, I have never touched anyone sensually/sexually in any matter at all whatsoever. I have never had sex before, and to be honest in my view, sex is not particularly important for me. I am more or less indifferent to it, and I more or less do not quite understand what makes other people so preoccupied with it (sex). I would never touch a child in an inappropriate manner, as I know that it is extremely illegal as well as to me, morally repugnant. I do not even think of touching a child in such a way, and even when it comes to adults I do think of touching mature adults sometimes, but even then thinking of doing private actions of a sexual nature with an adult(s) is actually quite difficult for me to envision, at least completely. I mean, to be honest, I am quite indifferent towards children. I do not necessarily think of them in an affectionate manner, and I certainly do not think of them in a sexual/romantic manner either. But, nevertheless, I just cannot seem to get these thoughts/voices out of my head telling me that I am a pedophile and that I am going to go to prison...I just cannot seem to do it...I just want to live a gentle, happy life, I do not want to harm any people and/or animals, and I certainly do not want to get into trouble with the law, either...I just need help, consolation of some sorts, please....
  19. harlo

    my story

    Hey guys! My name is Harlo and I'm searching for serious advice. I'm 20 years old and suffer from..well..everything. Severe panic disorder, anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, social phobia, fears, intrusive thoughts, OCD, and probably much much more. I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years now and for the past 2 months now, I have been at my worst. I had such a horrible childhood. Both of my parents were and are alcoholics, my brother was and is a drug addict. I've always been the only sane one in the family.. no addictions and had full control of my life. I think that's what made me INsane ha. I found my brother overdosed on heroine 4 years ago which was my breaking point. He survived..thankfully. but it was devastating at 16 years old. Growing up and still to this day I constantly hear fighting and yelling and screaming between my mother, father, and brother. My parents just recently filed for divorced a year ago. I now live with my mother and brother. My father lives at my old house. Anyway, when I started getting panic attacks I was a senior in high school. I had to drop out of cheerleading, dance, and every other activity. I couldn't got to school. I've been through it all.. hospitals, inpatient hospitals, western psychiatric partial hospitalization, therapists, psychiatrists, medication, group therapy, etc. I lost everything.. fortunately I was able to graduate. For college, I have to do online because I can't actually go to college. I can't work. I basically cant function. I can't sleep at night and I basically sleep my days away. It's like is rather sleep than feel all of these feelings. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of my panic attacks, going far, going anywhere actually, being alone, all of my symptoms, my thoughts, everything. My mother and father were there through it all (surprisingly) so therefore, I can't be without one or the other. I'm 20 years old and I'm like a 2 year old baby. They literally have to babysit me. It's pathetic. I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't know who to turn to for help. Look, the thing is.. I'm sooo dependant on my family...like I'd literally go crazy if i didn't have them around.. they're all I got. But.. at the same time.. they're making it worse by the stress they put on me with everything. What do I do? Where do i even start? I'm lost. Nothing is helping... Can someone please try to help me figure something out...
  20. I just want to start this off with saying that I never want or enjoy any of this, at least I sincerely hope I don't. I'm shaking and cold and feeling like I'm about to cry as I'm typing this and there's this horrible, horrible loop of guilt inside of me. All too common for someone who suffers with OCD, so I've read and read thousands of thousands of time in my anxiety, but there's this little voice in the back of my head saying that it might not be. After all, I've never been properly diagnosed, but I am experiencing so many of the symptoms and I suppose I'm clinging to the idea I'm ill and this is an entity entirely different from me that's causing me to think all these nasty, nasty things in desperation and in fear that I might truly be evil. It all started when I was about nine or ten years old. I got home from the bookstore and I was so very happy. I had spent the day with my mother and we bought a book we would read together and then it started. My mind had randomly conjured up the thought of me praying she would die and I swear on everything I can possibly swear on, I didn't want that at all. I began to cry and pace throughout the house and pray to God that I didn't want to say that in my head and that nothing would happen to her. I believe that was my first panic attack. And then I'd start remembering all these (admittedly silly) things I did when I was younger like telling scary stories with my cousin and having ridiculous, absurd, and obsessive anxieties over them that it would make her into a killer or something. I also would have thoughts of me saying dreadful things about people I'd pass by on the streets that I would never for the life of me say and later on, have intrusive thoughts about me telling really bad people I'd see on the news to come after me telepathically. And I'd believe that they were going to come after me being a young, impressionable, imaginative child and be panicked for a while. Now, I never told my Mama about this because I was worried that she would think I was a psychopath and want these thoughts. So I locked myself up alone never saying a word about it because I was afraid. Being so vocal and so expressive about my emotions now, I have no idea how I even managed to do that. The intrusive thoughts went away for a short while only to come back around the time not long before I turned fourteen. I am freshly fifteen now and with each passing day, they get more intense and more terrifying and more real-seeming. They were first just words and now they are disgusting images of me doing horrible things I would rather die than do and even those dreadful groinal responses. I am in CBT and my doctor says that it's just the intense fear of the thoughts and that feeling causing me to have these responses, but they still terrify me so much because of how exceedingly intense they are (especially when I'm sitting down and sometimes when they occur, I'm just so paralyed in fear that I don't stand up and then I go into this loop of worrying whether I really enjoyed it or not because I didn't stand up). These images keep playing in my head, they follow me everywhere I go, they occur almost every minute of the day, and I want them to stop. I want to let it go. I want to be innocent and free and beautiful again. I don't want to be a monster. It's my biggest fear. It just keeps on spiralling and the fear in my heart is enabling me from functioning. I have missed so many days of school and had to call early for home because of this- especially since it's already quite hard for me to focus on my work or anything else for the matter (I can't even read books or fanfiction that much anymore without spacing out!) because of my ADHD and when my head spaces out, the thoughts can occur and that terrifies me. Please help. Am I really someone who gets off of harming others, but just in denial of it or am I just a victim of OCD or anxiety or something of the sort? Am I the strong princess or the evil sorceress? Like I said, I'm doing cognitive behavioral therapy (and have been for over a year) and also talking with my aunt who is a therapist and I've told them everything, they say there's nothing wrong with me and my enemy that is fear is what's causing this, but I tend to forget their advice and always find myself back here. Is there anything I can do to stop this death in my mind and heart? How can I be strong? Do I need to be medicated? If so, what medications should I consult my psychiatrist about? Thank you so, Elsa
  21. UPDATE: Don't worry guys, I'm seeing a CBT therapist, it's just OCD phew!
  22. A free scientific article (by Valerie Curtis from the Department of Infectious and Tropical Diseases, London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine) about disgust and disorders of the disgust system: http://rstb.royalsoc...8.full.pdf html Short excerpt from the intro of the part about the disorders: And the intro of the CONCLUSIONS:
  23. Hi! I am new here and for a couple of days ago i had a really disturbing experience, wich practically bothers me to no end and i would very much like to get some opinions on this. This post is going to be quite long but please bear with me. The enitre thing started on the morning when i was on the bus, travling to the university i attend. There were a lot of people on the bus, both children and adults, and everything seemed normal to me untill a young girl moved close to make room for new passengers. She didnt touch me or anything, but when she got close i got these sudden feelings of arousal, nausea, and i desperately wanted her to move away. Bear in mind i had no erection from the arousal but this experience made me extremely disturbed. I got off the bus a short while later but i felt completely horrified, and confused by the way i reacted an i could not really find any reason for why i did react like this. Then the thought came to me, am i a pedophile? i was, and still am extremely disturbed by this thought. I have always been attracted to girls at the same age as i am (23), and attempted to convince myself that i can't possibly just cange my orientation like that. Unfortunally i just didn't manage to let it go either. On my way home a child sat down by my side on the bus, i did not feel the same way this time just very uncomfortable. When i got home i attempted to figure out why i reacted like this which eventually led me to find information about groinal responses. This seemed sort of logical yet i don't feel reassured i have no history with anxity or OCD, but i also have no history of being attracted to, or liking children more than adults. I did eventually do a really stupid thing though. wanting to comfort myself i checked up on some nudist photographs, of wich one had a child in it. I felt no attraction but have since felt utterly disgusted and guilty by the fact that i DID check. I try to calm my self by telling myself i had to to know otherwise i would never have calmed down but it just feels so extremely wrong that i did check it, now i am really disturbed by it and don't feel like doing that ever again, somehow this almost seem to disturb me more than the earlier episode. As mentioned earlier I have never had any sexual fantasy, or special interest regarding children, and so i feel somewhat reassured i am not pedophile but i can't get rid of the feelings of guilt and shame for the response and the checking, and i really don't feel entierly certain i am not a pedophile. It is alway the tought in the back of my head telling me, "but what if you are, you just never have noticed?" This is bothering me to no end right now and i don't feel like i can discuss it with my family, it is just too shamefull really, especially after i did that idiotic checkup, but i was just so afraid i might just react, god i do really feel like a fool right now, it feels like it pulls me down to the level of people that would usually and actually do that sort of things for the kick of it. I do seriously considering talking to my doctor about this but it have only been a couple of days and i wonder if i should wait and see if it blows over, but i am not certain. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appriciated right now!
  24. Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but thought it might be of some help. I was recently diagnosed with OCD a few days ago and its making my life a LIVING HELL. It was a sudden onset of OCD, which means I haven't had this my whole life, rather the last 2.5 months. I'm a straight female in my early 20's but after reading this magazine article I became convinced I was gay. The thought wouldn't go away and I started doing mental checks to make sure i wasn't attracted to other women. Than after 2 months, the thoughts about being gay suddenly stopped and transitioned to me thinking i was a pedophile. Those are the thoughts I have now and they are making HOCD look like a walk in the park. I am now avoiding children and get really anxious around them. I try and look up pictures of kids to check if I'm attracted to them or not. I have NEVER looked at kids in a sexual way, fantasized about them, etc and have always liked men my own age. But I feel like I'm turning into a pedo overnight and its scaring the crap outta me! Can a person really just turn like that?? I also have the thought (which truly disturbs me) to look up kid porn to test myself. I haven't actually done that, don't want to do that, and am fully aware its illegal. But i feel like i have this urge to look now and i don't know if its out of curiosity or just another mental check. Either way, its an urge I'm fighting everyday and I'm disgusted with myself since this is all so sudden and I never had these types of thoughts before. I started seeing an OCD therapist but I'm struggling everyday and feel like I'm gonna end up in jail or something. I'm so overwhelmed and feel like this is never going to end. I really wanted a family but now i don't because I'm terrified I'm going to want to molest my own kids please, please help
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