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im going fucking crazy for even making an account. am i that desperate? for attention? what the fuck is wrong with me? wHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT JUST KILL YOURSELF YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING FUCK. shes fucking watching. who is she? IM SO FUCKING PARANOID IM SCARING MYSELF I WANT HELP AND IM JUST WATCHING MY FINGERS TYPE THIS ISNT ME IM NOT ME IM SCARED MOM IM SCARED. my mom doesnt care THEYRE ALL LIARS NOTHING THEY SAY IS REAL IM ALL ALONE im all alone with nobody. yesterday i was happy because i felt like i had a friend; but they i realized they only did me a favour because they wanted to get with my hot friend with big tits. i wanna be like her. weigh less than 110 with huge ass double Ds i wish i were pretty and sweet and girly so id be something worth time im fucking disgusting and i dont wanna live WHY DONT I DRIVE A KNIFE THROUGH MY WRIST I DONT CARE I DONT CARE IM TIRED OF EXPLAINING TO COUNCELLOURS HOW I FEEL EVEN THOUGH I DONT KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE MY PARENTS IGNORE ME!!!! MY FAMILY HATES ME BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE MY DAD!!!!! THEY HATE ME BECAUSE I APPARENTLY ACT LIKE HIM!!!! IM TRYING I HATE HIM SO BAD!!!! THEY ALL LTOLD ME IM UGLY AND I HAVE NO DREAMS ANYMORE'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER PALNNED TO LIVE THIS LONG!!! SOMEONE IS WATCHING ME CRY OVER MY WABCAM WHO IS IT??? IM GOING FUCKING CRAZY I DONT WANNA TURN AROUND HELP ME PLEASE IM BEGGING I DONT WANNA LIVE I WANNA JUST DIE AND DIE AND DIE AND DIE ANDIE AND DIE WHY AM I SO SAD ALL THE TIME DEPRESSION ISNT REAL I DONT BELIEVE THEM IM JUST CRAZY!!!! NO ONE LISTENS TO ME I SHOULD JUST CUT MY TONGUE OFF SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WANNA DIE SO BAD I DONT WANNA BE HERE I DONT HAVE DREAMS I DONT HAVE TOMORROW AND I FUCKED UP no one listens
Hi, I have suffered for severe for about three months and recently it has got worse and I have been feeling much more scared and sad. The past few weeks I have noticed myself become dissilussioned with things I enjoy and have been having more and more physical symptoms which excacerbate the anxiety. I would really appreciate some support and reassurance of some kind:) Thank you so much Jack
For start let me to apologize for my bad english, english is not my primary laungage. Ther is so much to say so lets start from beginig. During the war in my country we run in one village and lived there lake refuges. That was very stressful for my family, I had ill brother with asthma and expropriated granny .My father was very frustrated and few times he was physically attacked me and my brother and once even my mother but without significant consequence.I think that he was psychical molested her much more. Few times soldiers are came to our house and threatened that thay will to kick us from house. I was veary afraid during that time, but again i think about that time like hapiest in my life. Before I forget i must tell that I NEVER HURT any child and I will never do something like that I simply haven't that kind of pearson. Its all geting worst when we moved to another city. We lived there like subtenant, few months my parents havent get their salaries and I felt very worried, I had always constant fear thats something bad will happen, but luckily its haven't happen the worst, we didn't lose roof. Then again I was moved, this time in another class, that was really devastating for me. I became fat, my spien was crooked and I started to be asocial, then some kids start to teasing me, they keep tealing me that I am reatrd its all continued in middleschool.I started with my sinss when I was 14 (now I have 24), I discoverd internet and start browsing regular porno, than I was found a banner to CP. First i was looking pictures but after a while that sites are turned off. After some time I discovered p2p network and started to downloading videos when I end it with watching, I would immediately erase him from my computer, I didn't wanted to have something like that on my computer. I wouldn't feel exactly a pleasure when i watched, it was more something like mix between feer and adrenalin rush and i will always feel bad after that and when i didn't felt in temptetion i would felt like better pearson but now I know that was just a lie. I simply didn't grasp that what I was doing was so evil or hurtful to children, I know that was bad but I keep telling to myself that was just a old video recordings its all ready heppen and nowbody knows so there is no harm. Before three months I lied in bad and start thinking about my self, what kind of pearson I am and its all come to me like a flood. I was overcome with extreme guilt, shame, and anxiety. Few times I even considere a suicide, once I went up to fortress in our city and climb up on the wall, I think to myself that closer to death I will feel more alive, I was mistaken but I couldn't do that to my family especialy to my mother, we are weary close and she loves me veary much. I don't know what to do? now even after three months I feel like a garbage and monster, I don't know how I am anymore. Crazy like its seem I always saw myself like a good pearson and I still keep telling my self that deep in my heart I still I am. Now I am feeling like a imposter in my house, I don't want to that my family considerng me for a monster. I told my mother about this forum and about cases like my own and she said thats to her silly that someone want to kill yourself just for watching CP and that she never wouldn't waived me for something like that. I would really appreciated any help even that I know that I dodn't deserve, in last time I don't feel worthy of life anymore. Once again sorry for my bad english.