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Found 10 results

  1. Um, honestly, I’m not sure where to start. I’m not even sure if this a good place to do this; I just don’t know where else to go. For the last 2 months, I have been struggling with the fear of me being a pedophile. It started when I read the words “repressed pedophile.” My body instantly went into a panic after reading those words, and I couldn’t shake the anxiety. I managed to go to sleep and was fine the next day. Two days go by and I’m laying down about to go to sleep. Out of nowhere a thought popped into my head. The thought consisted of sexual acts with a child. Couldn’t tell you the age. I instantly tried to block it out, but I just couldn’t get it to go away. I began to panic and tears followed. I broke down after 2 hours of trying to get the thought to go away. I cried so fucking much. I just wanted it to go away. Eventually, I got on my knees and begged God to help me. I felt immediate relief and managed to fall asleep. The next day I woke up feeling the exact same. The thought still present; and since then, I’ve been scared that I’m a pedophile. The thought has gone away now but I constantly am scared I’m going to look at a child and find an attraction. I’m constantly filled with anxiety and worry when I’m around children. I’m afraid to look at them. I’m afraid to interact with them. I’m just so fucking afraid that I am a pedophile. But my biggest issue is that I’ve never felt an attraction towards a child. Not once have I ever looked at a child and said “I want to fuck them.” Nor have I ever been emotionally attracted to a child. In all honesty, I find them extremely annoying. I can’t stand it when they cry and scream. So I don’t understand why I can’t shake this fear, and it’s truly ruining my life. I’ve become very depressed—well, I was depressed before, but it’s drastically worse. I just... I’m honestly so scared of being a pedophile. I fear that one day I will enjoy masturbating to children or be attracted to children so much that I contemplate suicide very seriously everyday. I would rather kill myself than be a pedophile. I don’t want to be that way. And I’m also scared because I’ve looked at lolicon and enjoyed it, but now, it turns me off. I don’t enjoy it anymore, and I feel really disgusted that I even looked at it to begin with. Even when I did look at it, it was more of an in the moment type thing. I never thought to myself “hey, I want to look at lolicon.” Also, lately, when I watch porn: if the girl looks really young, it turns me off. I can’t explain it. It just bothers me. I don’t know... I think a lot of this worry is coming from the fact that I know most pedophiles are pedophiles because they were molested when they were young. Now, I’m not sure if I was molested; but when I was 9 or 10, my brother(12 or 13) made me perform oral sex on multiple occasions. Now, I won’t lie and say I didn’t like it. I was 9. I thought it was fun. I thought we were playing. Now that I’m older, I understand that it was wrong, but he knew I liked it, and that’s the most fucked up part. He would always say “if you do this, we can play later,” and that would always get me excited and I’d get angry when we didn’t do it. He always said he wanted to practice. That went on for about a year or so, and nothing ever happened again. As I got older, I knew that it was wrong and I honestly just tried to suppress it. When I was 13 or 14, he asked me if I remembered. I told him yes, but I don’t care to much for talking about it. He agreed and it’s never been brought up again. I feel like he regrets doing it, but I think it definitely has affected me psychologically. Whether I’m aware of it or not. And I also feel very ashamed for having sexual fantasies about my sister. I don’t have them now, and I never actually wanted to live out those fantasies, but they were still present. This gave me grief for a long time. I would always pray to God to forgive me. I still do to this day sometimes. I’ve also had sexual fantasies about my cousin. These weren’t like the ones I had with my sister in the sense that I actually wanted to act on these fantasies, but I know it’s wrong so I didn’t. This has also brought me a great deal of stress, because I feel like I’m a sick fuck for wanting to have sex with family members, but I also think that the interactions I had with my brother have had some kind of subconscious affect on me. Perhaps maybe the reason why I even had these sexual fantasies to begin with. I just... I’m afraid that one day I’ll look at a child and have a fantasy about that child. I’m just so fucking scared all the time. I mean, I’ve been talking to this girl(she’s 21), and I really like her. She genuinely brings me so much joy, and that confuses me. If I have such a strong attraction to this girl, why can’t I make myself stop being afraid of becoming a pedophile. I guess I’m just looking to vent, honestly, and for some opinions.
  2. i really don’t know how to start this. i’ll just preface by saying prior to this past year of hell on earth i’ve never had any attraction or arousal to kids younger than my age WHATSOEVER and i still AM NOT ATTRACTED TO KIDS. i find NOTHING attractive about them they are underdeveloped and immature and they honestly annoy me alot. before all of this started i even wouldn’t touch any sort of kiddie cup or child’s toy bc i think kids are that gross. however, the prescence of false arousal/groinal responses have become so intense that they have led me to this posting this today. i found this site today and decided to post on this forum instead of the anxiety one bc i know there are some pedofiles on this forum who could help further discern this from pedophilia. i’ll ty make this as short, but detailed as possible. basically this all started one day when i was sitting on my bed watching a news report of a pedofile on youtube. then out of nowhere i had a random thought, “what if im a pedofile”? NOTHING happened that justified this thought. i wasn’t and have never been aroused or attracted to any kids in my life, i didn’t get an erection from any of the children in the news report, i wasn’t turned on by the offender’s sexual endeavors. nothing. but for some reason i had a panic attack. a really bad panic attack. the one’s i’d gotten in the past were pretty average and could usually be alleviated with meditation but this was intense. my heart was pounding, i had a terrible head ache, i was sweating, i had shortness of breath i mean i could barely breathe, and worst of all, i couldn’t stop ruminating on the question. i had no history of ocd prior to this. i had relatively normal compulsions like checking multiple times to see if my contacts were out after already taking them out, checking multiple times to see if i locked the door, not eating or drinking anything if something remotely disgusting (someone spitting out a piece of food or someone eating while talking) happened near me, etc. but anxiety and overthinking things profusely and to the point where things just got worse in my mind was no stranger to me. that panic attack lasted for about 4 hours followed by another one later on lasting around the same amount of time. that day i also started concocting scenarios in my head of comitting sexual acts with children or my little cousins to check if there was any groinal movement and the whole time i was disgusted. even when nothing or barely anything happened i insisted that something did and i believe this to be the origin of future GRs. that day i also, very very regrettabley, forced myself to jerk of to one of these scenarios. i wasn’t hard or anything, i just forced it upon myself and ended up orgasming but with no satisfaction in it at all. this haunted me into the following day when, in tears, i confessed to my mom that i was having these thoughts. she told me to just stop thinking about it snd ignore the thoughts. of course i didn’t, i needed reassurance. fast forwarding some months the thoughts had come and gone in on and off episodes. sometimes these episodes lasted a week and sometimes just days. the days when the thoughts didn’t plague me i was on top of the world but the days where they were present i was extremely irritable, sad, and antisocial. and as im writing this i realize that these episodes have became much more frequent, now seeming to be only hours apart from each other; a few days if im lucky. also at this point i had lost a lot of cognitive abilities. thoughts became harder to formulate, my memory, more short terms than longer term, turned to shit, nostalgia became a dead emotion, and it became harder for me to process language and connect words/ideas together and determine their significance. the worst part of all, my arousal for women was fleeting almost obliterated. i still looked at pretty ladies and thought “damn that’s a nice ass” or “she has a really pretty face” or “god i love those tits” (sorry for the language), but i couldn’t really get an erection anymore... if i did it was very moderate and more akin to a semi. then stuff got really bad. every year me and my family (whole family relatives and all) rent a beach house and stay there for a week or so. one day after going to the beach, i walked into the bathroom and found a pair of panties that someone had forgotten to pick up. i didn’t know whose they were, but my mind insisted that they were my 12 year old cousin’s and all of the sudden i got a very strong groinal response and started panicking. i ruminated on the thought for the rest of the evening and that night while trying to jerk off to this pretty girl from school, a sexual thought of my cousin came into mind and my focus shifted oto that. when the thought came up i didn’t think “damn she’s hot”, i simply allowed the concucted scenario to happen so i could check for any groinal responses all the while i was thinking “no no this is so fucked up im not attracted to children stop im not a pedofile” and it took me many times to get a proper groinal response. that was the second time i orgasmed to a child. the rest of the week i felt terrible i regretted and hated committing that act immediately. i broke down one night and cried in my room while listening to How To Disappear Completely by radiohead on repeat for 3 hours. in contrast, the summer prior i sat in the beach house living room reading Gone Girl. My younger cousins would pass by but there were no groinal responses, no anxiety attacks, no unjustified worrying that i may be a pedofile, nothing. just peace and a good book. fast forward again and something worse happened. months later i was gardening with my family and i looked from doing my work and had a strong groinal response from my brother after thinking “what if im attracted to my brother?” DESPITE having never found anything about my brother attractive and actually being annoyed by his character constantly. I instantly freaked out and after working took a shower and went to my room. the response had gone away but i needed to check. i needed reassurance that i wasn’t. so i started making scenarios and kept thinking “no no no this is fucked no im not attracted to my brother etc”. there was some movement but we’re talking 1-3 centimeters and after that followed a “cooldown” where my penis returned to normal.after around half an hour i got an actual groinal response and that was the third time i orgasmed to a child. that one was the worst. they were all really really really bad, but this one was my brother. i didn’t understand it. i was attracted to him in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER yet this happened and i felt terrible. my life went really downhill from there. i became even more antisocial and depressed and lost a bunch of friends. i was getting really frustrated at this point and just wanted to die. flash forward and i was out with (one of my few) friends and some of her friends when i met a really really pretty girl. TOTALLY out of my league, as such i didn’t and was afraid to talk to her. but then later on after people started going back home we really hit it off and were having a lot of fun. we actually completely ignored out mutual friend (which i kind of feel bad about now bc it was her birthday :/) and we had a lot of things in common. there were five special things about this girl: 1) she and i had a lot of the same interests 2) my friends have described me as a white 6 and an indian 7; this girl is a universal 10 and it seemed like she was really coming on to me 3) she was really funny 4) she was one of thefew new people i could talk to despite being in my antisocial, depressed, and anxious state and 5) I WAS AROUSED BY HER; THROBBING HARD AROUND AND (this is really lewd but) i came in my pants while walking her back to the bus stop. this girl completely relieved and still relieves all the anxiety and depression and hurt and everything whenever im around her or even think about her. she’s the coolest, funniest, sweetest, smartest, and prettiest girl i’ve ever met and i can make a whole post on her but omg i dont have the time. a week after meeting we got into a relationship, the first real one of both of our adolescences. it felt soo good dating such an amazing and being aroused by her. everything was perfect. during our first time having sex however we ran into some problems. the ruminating and checking and anxiety and avoiding even looking at any children got out of hand and i could no longer get those full hard on erections that i did at the start of our relationship. i could still obtain them by kissing or touching her, but by sight alone i could, at best, host a pretty moderate erection. the disease had taken from me arousal from even the girl i loved most in this world snd i hated it for that. so during our first time we started making out to get things going and uh (embarrassingly) i finished a bit too early. i apologized and made out for 5 more minutes to get me hard again but i couldn’t get a full hard on, not enough for sex to work. the whole time instead of thinking “fuck this is so great” i was just thinking, “what if i can’t get hard”? i was decently hard and she didn’t notice so i tried putting it in bc i was getting nervous but it wouldn’t go in until after maybe 5-6 times. i felt terrible. as i started thrusting i felt better but it kept slipping out bc i was not hard enough. the third time i was doing fine and really REALLY enjoying it but then i had the terrible, fucking horrible thought “what if i can only get hard to my brother? what if it’s like with gay dudes and their girlfriends? what if im just faking all of this? what if im a pedofile?” and then simultaneously started thinking of my brother and then boom, strong groinal reaction accompanied by panic. i felt terrible, but the sensations helped me ignore it and i started thinking about my grilfriend again and was able to maintain my erection. after we both finished, i was still thinking about that thought and i wan’t to run away and hide and scream at myself. however, then my girl friend rolled onto my side and that calmed me down. present day. these past few weeks have been terrible. my arousal situation with mu girlfriend is relatively the same and we had sex again and i was able to get a better erection. but today i came to a breaking point. i was on the metro when all of the sudden i had the thought again. “what if im into my brother?” this thought had pushed become the common theme of my ruminations since the sex incident, so much so that in fact my groinal response to kids became very very mild. as expected, major groinal response and i started picturing the routine scenario with the “no no no this is fucked up” thoughts. i didn’t get it. two days prior i had been doing some yard work again and after reading some pocd forum posts i started just letting the responses come and go and as a result they became more mild and less frequent until i focused on them again. but this time it was worse, i felt that anxiety that i felt on the first day and it was paralyzing. i wanted to start screaming on that train and i was about to, but also even worse, this time i felt like i needed to jerk off. it felt like the only thing that would get rid of this it was THAT BAD it had never been THIS BAD this was a full ERECTION where most prior episodes only prompted maybe a semi at best. I became very shaky and was close to a breakdown i felt like everyone on the train was looking at me. i was able to power through tho and continue on my journey downtown. then later in the day i was reading, and the same thought came into my mind. the anxiety returned and the erection was just as strong. that was the last time i jerked off to a child. now im in my room writing this post. after jerking off i became the most anxious and disgusted ive been in this past year. all of the little progress ive made hs disappeared. the worst part about it was that it’s the best orgasm ive had in the past year, better than my girl friend maybe even. and now i still feel this burning sensation down there it’s been there for around half an hour already im so fucking tired of this i dont know what to do everyday i wake up and i repeat phrases like “youre straight” “this is just anxiety” “that’s fucked up” “ you’re not a pedofile” “you’re not into your brother” about 1000 times a day out of nowhere to gain some sort of reassurance. checking has become less routine but i still do it about 12-15 times aday and just about every time it moves around 3-5 centimeters and the whole time im thinking “nononono god fcking no this is fucked up im not attracted to kids” and it’s TREU IM NOT. I FIND NOTHING ATTRACTIVE OR AROUSING ABOUT KIDS AT ALL. BUT THESE THOUGHTS AND THE STRESS THEY FOR SOME REASON PROVIDE THESE STRONG GROINAL RESPONSES AND IDK WHAT TO DO. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND so so so so much and this is starting to affect our relationship. i would NEVER WANT TO FUCK, FINGER, SUCK, LICK, KISS, DO ANY OF THAT TO A CHILD BUT MY MIND IS JUST DRILLING INTO MY HEAD THIS FALSE NARRATIVE AND PROVIDING THESE HROINAL RESPONSES. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. i love SO MUCH ABOUT GIRLS. they’re pristine, perfect, composed, soft, compassionate, cute, and ive LWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO THEM. i just want my labido and everything else to go back to normal this is getting exhausting. idk what to do. please help.
  3. i found this forum todsy and posted this in the sexuality issues section as well and i decided to post here bc im starting to panic again and im getting really antsy. ive spent way to long obsessing and ruminating over this fear and it’s taken my life. i really don’t know how to start this. i’ll just preface by saying prior to this past year of hell on earth i’ve never had any attraction or arousal to kids younger than my age WHATSOEVER and i still AM NOT ATTRACTED TO KIDS. i find NOTHING attractive about them they are underdeveloped and immature and they honestly annoy me alot. before all of this started i even wouldn’t touch any sort of kiddie cup or child’s toy bc i think kids are that gross. however, the prescence of false arousal/groinal responses have become so intense that they have led me to this posting this today. i’ll ty make this as short, but detailed as possible. basically this all started one day when i was sitting on my bed watching a news report of a pedofile on youtube. then out of nowhere i had a random thought, “what if im a pedofile”? NOTHING happened that justified this thought. i wasn’t and have never been aroused or attracted to any kids in my life, i didn’t get an erection from any of the children in the news report, i wasn’t turned on by the offender’s sexual endeavors. nothing. but for some reason i had a panic attack. a really bad panic attack. the one’s i’d gotten in the past were pretty average and could usually be alleviated with meditation but this was intense. my heart was pounding, i had a terrible head ache, i was sweating, i had shortness of breath i mean i could barely breathe, and worst of all, i couldn’t stop ruminating on the question. i had no history of ocd prior to this. i had relatively normal compulsions like checking multiple times to see if my contacts were out after already taking them out, checking multiple times to see if i locked the door, not eating or drinking anything if something remotely disgusting (someone spitting out a piece of food or someone eating while talking) happened near me, etc. but anxiety and overthinking things profusely and to the point where things just got worse in my mind was no stranger to me. that panic attack lasted for about 4 hours followed by another one later on lasting around the same amount of time. that day i also started concocting scenarios in my head of comitting sexual acts with children or my little cousins to check if there was any groinal movement and the whole time i was disgusted. even when nothing or barely anything happened i insisted that something did and i believe this to be the origin of future GRs. that day i also, very very regrettabley, forced myself to jerk of to one of these scenarios. i wasn’t hard or anything, i just forced it upon myself and ended up orgasming but with no satisfaction in it at all. this haunted me into the following day when, in tears, i confessed to my mom that i was having these thoughts. she told me to just stop thinking about it snd ignore the thoughts. of course i didn’t, i needed reassurance. fast forwarding some months the thoughts had come and gone in on and off episodes. sometimes these episodes lasted a week and sometimes just days. the days when the thoughts didn’t plague me i was on top of the world but the days where they were present i was extremely irritable, sad, and antisocial. and as im writing this i realize that these episodes have became much more frequent, now seeming to be only hours apart from each other; a few days if im lucky. also at this point i had lost a lot of cognitive abilities. thoughts became harder to formulate, my memory, more short terms than longer term, turned to shit, nostalgia became a dead emotion, and it became harder for me to process language and connect words/ideas together and determine their significance. the worst part of all, my arousal for women was fleeting almost obliterated. i still looked at pretty ladies and thought “damn that’s a nice ass” or “she has a really pretty face” or “god i love those tits” (sorry for the language), but i couldn’t really get an erection anymore... if i did it was very moderate and more akin to a semi. then stuff got really bad. every year me and my family (whole family relatives and all) rent a beach house and stay there for a week or so. one day after going to the beach, i walked into the bathroom and found a pair of panties that someone had forgotten to pick up. i didn’t know whose they were, but my mind insisted that they were my 12 year old cousin’s and all of the sudden i got a very strong groinal response and started panicking. i ruminated on the thought for the rest of the evening and that night while trying to jerk off to this pretty girl from school, a sexual thought of my cousin came into mind and my focus shifted oto that. when the thought came up i didn’t think “damn she’s hot”, i simply allowed the concucted scenario to happen so i could check for any groinal responses all the while i was thinking “no no this is so fucked up im not attracted to children stop im not a pedofile” and it took me many times to get a proper groinal response. that was the second time i orgasmed to a child. the rest of the week i felt terrible i regretted and hated committing that act immediately. i broke down one night and cried in my room while listening to How To Disappear Completely by radiohead on repeat for 3 hours. in contrast, the summer prior i sat in the beach house living room reading Gone Girl. My younger cousins would pass by but there were no groinal responses, no anxiety attacks, no unjustified worrying that i may be a pedofile, nothing. just peace and a good book. fast forward again and something worse happened. months later i was gardening with my family and i looked from doing my work and had a strong groinal response from my brother after thinking “what if im attracted to my brother?” DESPITE having never found anything about my brother attractive and actually being annoyed by his character constantly. I instantly freaked out and after working took a shower and went to my room. the response had gone away but i needed to check. i needed reassurance that i wasn’t. so i started making scenarios and kept thinking “no no no this is fucked no im not attracted to my brother etc”. there was some movement but we’re talking 1-3 centimeters and after that followed a “cooldown” where my penis returned to normal.after around half an hour i got an actual groinal response and that was the third time i orgasmed to a child. that one was the worst. they were all really really really bad, but this one was my brother. i didn’t understand it. i was attracted to him in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER yet this happened and i felt terrible. my life went really downhill from there. i became even more antisocial and depressed and lost a bunch of friends. i was getting really frustrated at this point and just wanted to die. flash forward and i was out with (one of my few) friends and some of her friends when i met a really really pretty girl. TOTALLY out of my league, as such i didn’t and was afraid to talk to her. but then later on after people started going back home we really hit it off and were having a lot of fun. we actually completely ignored out mutual friend (which i kind of feel bad about now bc it was her birthday :/) and we had a lot of things in common. there were five special things about this girl: 1) she and i had a lot of the same interests 2) my friends have described me as a white 6 and an indian 7; this girl is a universal 10 and it seemed like she was really coming on to me 3) she was really funny 4) she was one of thefew new people i could talk to despite being in my antisocial, depressed, and anxious state and 5) I WAS AROUSED BY HER; THROBBING HARD AROUND AND (this is really lewd but) i came in my pants while walking her back to the bus stop. this girl completely relieved and still relieves all the anxiety and depression and hurt and everything whenever im around her or even think about her. she’s the coolest, funniest, sweetest, smartest, and prettiest girl i’ve ever met and i can make a whole post on her but omg i dont have the time. a week after meeting we got into a relationship, the first real one of both of our adolescences. it felt soo good dating such an amazing and being aroused by her. everything was perfect. during our first time having sex however we ran into some problems. the ruminating and checking and anxiety and avoiding even looking at any children got out of hand and i could no longer get those full hard on erections that i did at the start of our relationship. i could still obtain them by kissing or touching her, but by sight alone i could, at best, host a pretty moderate erection. the disease had taken from me arousal from even the girl i loved most in this world snd i hated it for that. so during our first time we started making out to get things going and uh (embarrassingly) i finished a bit too early. i apologized and made out for 5 more minutes to get me hard again but i couldn’t get a full hard on, not enough for sex to work. the whole time instead of thinking “fuck this is so great” i was just thinking, “what if i can’t get hard”? i was decently hard and she didn’t notice so i tried putting it in bc i was getting nervous but it wouldn’t go in until after maybe 5-6 times. i felt terrible. as i started thrusting i felt better but it kept slipping out bc i was not hard enough. the third time i was doing fine and really REALLY enjoying it but then i had the terrible, fucking horrible thought “what if i can only get hard to my brother? what if it’s like with gay dudes and their girlfriends? what if im just faking all of this? what if im a pedofile?” and then simultaneously started thinking of my brother and then boom, strong groinal reaction accompanied by panic. i felt terrible, but the sensations helped me ignore it and i started thinking about my grilfriend again and was able to maintain my erection. after we both finished, i was still thinking about that thought and i wan’t to run away and hide and scream at myself. however, then my girl friend rolled onto my side and that calmed me down. present day. these past few weeks have been terrible. my arousal situation with mu girlfriend is relatively the same and we had sex again and i was able to get a better erection. but today i came to a breaking point. i was on the metro when all of the sudden i had the thought again. “what if im into my brother?” this thought had pushed become the common theme of my ruminations since the sex incident, so much so that in fact my groinal response to kids became very very mild. as expected, major groinal response and i started picturing the routine scenario with the “no no no this is fucked up” thoughts. i didn’t get it. two days prior i had been doing some yard work again and after reading some pocd forum posts i started just letting the responses come and go and as a result they became more mild and less frequent until i focused on them again. but this time it was worse, i felt that anxiety that i felt on the first day and it was paralyzing. i wanted to start screaming on that train and i was about to, but also even worse, this time i felt like i needed to jerk off. it felt like the only thing that would get rid of this it was THAT BAD it had never been THIS BAD this was a full ERECTION where most prior episodes only prompted maybe a semi at best. I became very shaky and was close to a breakdown i felt like everyone on the train was looking at me. i was able to power through tho and continue on my journey downtown. then later in the day i was reading, and the same thought came into my mind. the anxiety returned and the erection was just as strong. that was the last time i jerked off to a child. now im in my room writing this post. after jerking off i became the most anxious and disgusted ive been in this past year. all of the little progress ive made hs disappeared. the worst part about it was that it’s the best orgasm ive had in the past year, better than my girl friend maybe even. and now i still feel this burning sensation down there it’s been there for around half an hour already im so fucking tired of this i dont know what to do everyday i wake up and i repeat phrases like “youre straight” “this is just anxiety” “that’s fucked up” “ you’re not a pedofile” “you’re not into your brother” about 1000 times a day out of nowhere to gain some sort of reassurance. checking has become less routine but i still do it about 12-15 times aday and just about every time it moves around 3-5 centimeters and the whole time im thinking “nononono god fcking no this is fucked up im not attracted to kids” and it’s TREU IM NOT. I FIND NOTHING ATTRACTIVE OR AROUSING ABOUT KIDS AT ALL. BUT THESE THOUGHTS AND THE STRESS THEY FOR SOME REASON PROVIDE THESE STRONG GROINAL RESPONSES AND IDK WHAT TO DO. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND so so so so much and this is starting to affect our relationship. i would NEVER WANT TO FUCK, FINGER, SUCK, LICK, KISS, DO ANY OF THAT TO A CHILD BUT MY MIND IS JUST DRILLING INTO MY HEAD THIS FALSE NARRATIVE AND PROVIDING THESE HROINAL RESPONSES. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. i love SO MUCH ABOUT GIRLS. they’re pristine, perfect, composed, soft, compassionate, cute, and ive LWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO THEM. i just want my labido and everything else to go back to normal this is getting exhausting. idk what to do.
  4. Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.
  5. Hi, I'll try and keep this short. Looking back at the first time this all started (and subsequently took away my happiness for long periods at a time) I was lying in bed after a phone conversation with my mother, she had just told me that the family would be staying at my home and with me being at uni, she asked if I could come and visit. I had been getting pretty bad panic attacks at that time and doubted if I could make it. When I put my head down to go to sleep bang! An image of my two newborn nephews pop into my head intertwined with a feeling of dread. This throws me for six and I sit on the side of the bed just trying to calm down. As the night progresses I lay there trying to reason with the thought feeling more anxious with time. It was as if my head wouldn't let it go and although it wasn't sexual I kept asking myself questions like "would you do anything inappropriate if you were around them" This carried on until I finally got to sleep (after hours of questioning). I can liken it to experiencing a real life nightmare. I did visit my house In the end and despite nervousness the anxiety subsided and I was left only with the strange lingering notion of what happened before I went to bed that night. (This was the beginning) I should state here that I had a healthy sexual development through puberty, curvy brunettes being my preference. Around this time though I had similar thoughts as mentioned before, which served as turn-offs notably, imagining my grandma being raped by a man whilst I sat opposite her in her home. I hated these thoughts and hated more the fact that I couldn't shift them/take control. Similar thoughts would come whilst I was praying at church, I would imagine Jesus in an act of sex that would make the devil blush and all the time i'd be apologising to him. (This is were it gets darker) I cant remember exactly how things got the point where I couldn't function very well with all the negative feelings of depression/anxiety/worthlessness/guilt (the list goes on) but I went to seek help. I was told that I was suffering ruminations as part of a depressive episode and things cleared up for a while. Until my mind latched on the idea that I could be/ could turn into a pedophile (as I type that word I get an uncomfortable feeling in my groin which has been driving me absolutely crazy for far too long). It all started when an image popped up on TV one night that featured two young girls on a beach. The advert really disturbed me for some reason and I remember being a real mess until i could see the advert again and prove to myself that there was nothing to be worried about. As my moods got better, i seemed to get better and such things wouldn't effect me. (Things go downhill) I eventually had to drop out of university. By this point I was completely immersed in my thoughts (smoking weed didn't help) I became unsociable and can honestly say that the ruminations consumed days and weeks. I had developed groinal responses by now that would linger on for a long time. It first started as an uncomfortable sensation that had me sitting down, staring at my dick for hours on end, noting every movement against an internal sensation. Then came the compulsion to research all my fears in an attempt to morbidly understand my predicament. In this period I smoked 60 a day, anxiety escalated fast and made me very sick indeed. The groinal responses became so disturbingly intense, (simultaneously repulsive and intensely arousing) With no erection. at this point that I had serious suicidal ideation. So I left University in a mess and talked to my parents who arranged for a psych to see me. I told him that i felt like a creep & knowning about my other concerns with intrusive images he told me that I was just having bad ruminations. I got myself together, got a job and started getting my life back together. I was meeting girls, a couple who liked me and I felt great. It was at this point however that I started to think that there was something wrong with my heart. I would feel palpitations and shortness of breath and get a taxi to the nearest hospital and have it checked out, I'm not proud of it but I've even had ambulances come to the house for them to say there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I can probably count 15 of these incidents taking place up to now. (So here's where I'm at now) My Heart attack fear has fully subsided due solely to the fact that right now I wouldn't care If I had one. I'm once again suffering suicidal ideation. I have just been In a beautiful country and i'm pretty sure that I fell in love with a girl I was travelling with (just a fella named paul in the way of happiness) but before and during my travels I had to deal with this groinal response that has a severe effect on my mood. It seems that after years of obsessing I have now got to live with the response that will not shift on my own accord, no matter what I do. I got the thoughts images and anxiety as well but neutralising the thoughts with some habitual rumination seemed to be the easiest solution. Now I'm back home and living with my parents (who have noticed me acting strange and are beginning to worry about me). It seems like all these thoughts have waged war on me in one last attempt to end me. I've started reading into bios of pedophiles and staring at pictures of children in morbid attempt at finding them attractive. I sit in one spot all day ruminating on the possibility of suppressing my pedophilia in the past. I come up with a few instances way before puberty when I saw young girls getting changed in public showers and so on. These thoughts will loop constantly bringing waves of anxiety/arousal followed by dread. The groinal discomfort is present throughout ruminations and after a while it feels like sexual energy needs to be released (despite the feeling being the antithesis of sexy). It feels as though I only have to think of getting a groinal and there it is quicker than I can say response. If i'm ruminating about being a pedophile it steps up a gear and in moments when I read about being a pedophile or see a child on TV, A strong anxious/arousal occurs and I panic assume all my fears are validated/true. Other times when I check and see that I don't show any attraction I feel great and anxiety disappears (but only for a short while) After episodes like this I usually test my attraction to a child on TV or newspaper. After a distressing night yesterday where i ruminated and had the uncomfortable groin feeling for most of the day (it seems to linger despite content) I went to bed and thought about different sexual scenarios, I thought I had a god grasp on this condition when an image of a small girl entered my head. Bang anxiety, but at the same time (although I couldn't get an erection) I had a very intense arousal (this is when I question whether I can possibly like these thoughts on any level.) It felt like if I masturbated to it (despite not liking the content) I would climax very quickly. I felt sick to my stomach that night and the next day spent checking, testing, researching, praying. I would't want my worst enemy to go through all this. I'm only able to write this tonight as I've taken a large dose of valium. Whatever this is takes me to a very dark place where I am now. I have had moments of clarity throughout these years where I feel great and treat obsessive thoughts as just obsessive thoughts (I'm now 25) however these darker moments seem to extinguish the light. Any help would be appreciated
  6. UPDATE: Don't worry guys, I'm seeing a CBT therapist, it's just OCD phew!
  7. Hi, I am a 17 year old boy. For about a year now, I have had intrusive thoughts which I find very difficult to control. I obsess about whether i'm a pedophile, whether I am sexually attracted to children. I have a girlfriend, we have been going out for almost 8 months. I am very sexually attracted to her and we have a great sex life. Recently though these thoughts have become worse, and when I see young girls I usually question myself about whether I'm attracted to them or not. Then on the few occasions that I can control the thoughts and convince myself I just have a disorder, I then start to obsess about whether all pedophiles start off feeling like how I feel. I find myself noticing that I've looked at a young girl and questioning whether I choose to do it or not. I have also noticed that these thoughts are more frequent when I have allot of time to myself, or at night when i'm trying to get to sleep. All this makes me extremely distressed, I can't tell my girlfriend because I'm worried what she'll think. She could leave me in disgust. I am generally a anxious person, and my friends and family say I over think things allot. I have stopped smoking weed because I found my thoughts are even more uncontrollable. When I'm stoned my obsessions are only deeper and more consuming. I occasionally have intrusive thoughts about jumping off a cliff, or cutting myself or sexual thoughts about family but I can usually brush past these, dismissing these as stupid. These things to me don't seem quite as horrible as being attracted to young children. I understand that in order for these thoughts to go away I have to react to them calmly and accept them, but I find this very hard. I find it hard to accept these thoughts because I worry about the effects this might have. If I'm having these thoughts and accepting them, then what is the difference between me and a pedophile. What I need to know is are there any good techniques for controlling my mind better, making myself act calmly? do I need therapy to sort this out If so, considering I live in the UK is this therapy free and will my parents have to know about it? I'd really appreciate any help/advice anyone can give me. This is really ruining my life at the moment. I find it hard to sleep sometimes if I can't shut these thoughts out.
  8. Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but thought it might be of some help. I was recently diagnosed with OCD a few days ago and its making my life a LIVING HELL. It was a sudden onset of OCD, which means I haven't had this my whole life, rather the last 2.5 months. I'm a straight female in my early 20's but after reading this magazine article I became convinced I was gay. The thought wouldn't go away and I started doing mental checks to make sure i wasn't attracted to other women. Than after 2 months, the thoughts about being gay suddenly stopped and transitioned to me thinking i was a pedophile. Those are the thoughts I have now and they are making HOCD look like a walk in the park. I am now avoiding children and get really anxious around them. I try and look up pictures of kids to check if I'm attracted to them or not. I have NEVER looked at kids in a sexual way, fantasized about them, etc and have always liked men my own age. But I feel like I'm turning into a pedo overnight and its scaring the crap outta me! Can a person really just turn like that?? I also have the thought (which truly disturbs me) to look up kid porn to test myself. I haven't actually done that, don't want to do that, and am fully aware its illegal. But i feel like i have this urge to look now and i don't know if its out of curiosity or just another mental check. Either way, its an urge I'm fighting everyday and I'm disgusted with myself since this is all so sudden and I never had these types of thoughts before. I started seeing an OCD therapist but I'm struggling everyday and feel like I'm gonna end up in jail or something. I'm so overwhelmed and feel like this is never going to end. I really wanted a family but now i don't because I'm terrified I'm going to want to molest my own kids please, please help
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