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I am the user formerly known as infrared_radiation. Decided to sign up with a new account as have got a new computer, it's a new era and things have changed completely for me. I do not want to dwell in the past or be stuck in the same dead-end mental rut that I was in before. I want to look to the future. I am feeling very low at the moment, and would appreciate some help and advice. I know I've said things on this forum in the past that have been unpleasant, controversial or even hateful but that's what a low mood can do to you. It can make you a complete monster if it wants to. So anyway, without further ado, my situation. Actually, let's start off with who I am. I am - 30 years old Scottish living in Scotland A heterosexual white male Formally educated but doing a working class job Very borderline mildly autistic but almost normal 6 foot 3 tall Good looking, with a larger than average penis Muscular build with broad shoulders, but also slightly overweight and carrying a bit more body fat than I should Physically, my main flaw is that bit of extra body fat that I'm carrying. No matter what I do, no matter how well I eat, no matter how hard I work, I cannot shift that extra body fat around my waist particularly, much as I would really really like to. But, I have a lot of muscle as well and I don't look particularly overweight with my clothes on. Now, so what was I going to say? Oh yeah, my situation. I'll start by giving a bit of background here... During my early twenties, I was an alcoholic, and I dropped out of university twice, and lost my mother to cancer. It was a really, really rough time for me and affected me mentally. But I gave up drinking because I knew I had to for my own health, and have been given up drinking for over five years now, but still drink occasionally although only low alcohol beers which are around 0.5% alcohol which you could never get drunk from. I do go out socially sometimes and drink non-alcoholic beer but not like to nightclubs or anything, and do know a lot of people but don't have a huge social life. I used to have quite racist views, which will be well known to certain people on this site. Certainly, the heavy drinking and the stresses of life during my early twenties exacerbated these feelings, which initially started with a dislike of non-white ethnic minorities and white women who date and have sex with them. I don't know whether this came from porn, or from looking at racist websites on the internet, or some combination of these. These views then transmogrified into self-hatred, in which I developed a complex in which I started to hate myself for being white. Then now, I've entered the stage which is beyond even that, which is apolitical and non-judgemental and in which I only try to be a decent person and try to do the best I can and be true to myself and reasonable and fair. At this stage, I just don't give a fuck anymore, I just try to be me. As far as sex and relationships are concerned, I will explain my situation: I have done sexual things (sexual intercourse, mutual masturbation and/or oral sex counted only here so basically anything involving the genitals) with 13 women in my life in total so far. This does not include situations that have only involved sexual touching with clothes on or a topless woman, if those were included then the number would be closer to 20 I find sexual intercourse to be very difficult, particularly because of the large size of my penis and its girth in particular, and often find it very hard to actually get it in to a woman's vagina, and have made women bleed before during sex because of its size As far as dating and relationships go, I have been doing online dating since 2012 and have had at least 25 dates, probably closer to 30 and quite possibly more than that, since I started doing the online dating and have also had dates from women I've met in real life as well. I find it quite easy to get dates on a regular dating site, but I also find that often many of those dates did not go well in real life for one reason or another. I have had a small number of short relationships lasting a few weeks to a few months prior to last year, and am not long out of a relationship that just lasted one year, which I will explain more about in greater detail later in this post In addition to regular dating sites, I also go on sex sites as well and will maybe get 10 messages back for every 100 that I send out on a sex dating site I only finished with my last girlfriend a month ago. I broke up the relationship with her because I was desperate to get out and was already talking to another woman which gave me the perfect excuse to finish it. I have no regrets at all about breaking up with my ex, none whatsoever. The truth is that even the first time I met her, I wasn't sure if I wanted to even be seen in public with her, let alone date her. Yet, I ended up being with her for almost a year! I was never really attracted to her at all. The main reason I was with her was because we had a lot of common interests - music, TV shows, life, doing things together and going places and having fun. It wasn't so much about physical attraction at all. My ex was very fat and unattractive, short and dumpy and fat with short hair, very much the opposite of what I find physically attractive in a woman. By the time the relationship was coming to an end, I practically felt physically sick by the thought of having to share a bed with her on those nights that we went away somewhere and I had to share a bed with her. I found it repulsive when she touched me and tried to kiss me, it made my skin crawl. I was absolutely disgusted by her, and she was head over heels in love with me. I hated it so so much. But we still went on so many trips together, we went not just all over Scotland but all over Britain and we went to loads of music concerts and even went to be in the audience on a TV show. Every time I had an interest in something, she had to have an interest in it as well. Her level of interest in me was obsessive to the point of being fucking creepy. If I knew what she was going to become, I would have gotten out of there far more quickly. I had only been in a relationship with her for 3 months and if I ever had any sexual attraction to her at all, it was all gone by that point. I feel almost physically sick thinking about how ugly, fat and disgusting she was and honestly wish I'd never ever had anything to do with her. Her size was also beginning to cause her health problems as well, and that was another factor that put me off her as she was unable to walk for even more than half a mile at a time which is very different from me as I like to get out and be physically active and go places. It's worth noting that I have rejected women before. I do not simply have sex with every woman I have the opportunity to have sex with. In 2015, I had an online meet with a woman in another town in Scotland who was about 100 miles away from me and was two years older than me. I drove to her flat on a Saturday, found out that she was very fat and unattractive and also had many ugly tattoos, lived on benefits, had a flat that stank of cat's urine and was a complete mess, and she stank of smoke and was a heavy smoker and had a poor diet of junk food. I spent an evening with her watching TV and we got a takeaway, then when I got into her bed and before we tried to have sex I was so repulsed by her that I said to her that I had to leave and drove 100 miles in the dark, leaving her crying on her sofa smoking a cigarette and she was wearing only her panties. Can you really blame me for what I did? And so similarly I was with a fat and unattractive woman for a year, and we got on well as friends but there was no sexual chemistry - she wanted me and I didn't want her - and it was torture. And I am a guy who likes curvy women. I love curvy women (really I can't overstate this enough, I love them to bits and find them sexy as hell), but I find unhealthy levels of obesity to be disgusting and a big, big turnoff. I actually really like big curvy women with big breasts and even more so a big ass and big wide hips and thighs. I also strongly prefer tall women of 5 foot 10 or taller, not that I object to smaller than that of course but I just find big, tall and curvy women to be the most attractive thing ever, although when I say curvy that does not mean obese (cannot emphasise that enough)! I would also say that I strongly prefer white women over non-white women, just as a matter of personal preference. So anyway, I was in this relationship that I hated, and I have been on various online sites when I was still in a relationship with my ex - dating sites, sex sites, porn sites, you name it, I was on it. I was completely sexually unsatisfied with my ex, and it got to the point where I refused to even attempt sex with her because I hated the thought of doing it so much. She was the one getting sexually frustrated with me because I wasn't interested in her sexually at all. Last month I was on a sexual website which I won't name the name of, when I got talking to a woman in my city. She was the same age as me, very pretty, very curvy and what's more she was almost the same height as me. Now, as I've already stated, that combination of factors matches up with what I've already said I find sexually attractive perfectly. Finding another woman who actually had that perfect combination of looks, curves and height would be maybe like a 1 in 10,000 chance of it ever happening again. It was literally love at first sight for me when I saw the pictures of her before we even started chatting. Looks wise, she was the ideal woman for me, the woman of my dreams. Due to my experience in dating, I tried not to come across as too keen as I know how off putting that can be, but couldn't help myself from showering her with compliments about her looks and how gorgeous and sexy I found her anyway. And we started chatting, and the chat went well. We exchanged usernames on Kik messenger and started chatting on that. Due to the fact that it was a sexual site, we had no qualms about sending explicit pictures of ourselves to each other, or having explicit discussions about very specific sexual fetishes. To my delight, she accepted all my sexual fetishes and interests and she told me about all of hers. In a very real sense, she was every bit as sexually perverted as I am and we were sharing dirty pictures of ourselves with each other and having very kinky explicitly sexual chats about all the sexual things we'd love to do with each other. Anyone here ever seen that episode of Family Guy called "Quagmire's Quagmire"? Well, it basically felt like that - the good, initial stages of that, anyway! And not only that, aside from the really hot sexual conversations we had, she seemed to have a lovely feminine and understanding personality who was really nice to talk to about both sexual and non-sexual subjects. I literally thought I'd found the perfect woman, the woman of my dreams, the woman I never ever thought could exist because she was just too perfect. I was still in a relationship with my ex at this point, and we were due to go away on a trip to a music festival that weekend. We went away somewhere one night before the festival started, shared a bed with her, got no sleep, and then the very next day took her to a train station and told her that the relationship was over. Told her to take her bags and go. I was so, so glad to be rid of my ex. All I could think about was the new woman I had been talking to. I got talking again to my new romantic and sexual interest, and we continued to have sexual conversations and share sexual photos of ourselves with each other. And then we arranged a date, and that was two weeks ago today as I write this. We met up at the train station, then went for a meal and chatted, then went to the cinema. The conversations we had were completely non-sexual and I think we were both a little bit nervous but we coped! I held hands with her in the cinema and had my arms around her for a while because honestly I just wanted to physically touch her so much. I really tried my best not to come across as desperate or too keen, but I guess I maybe did anyway. I walked her back to where her car was parked at the end of the evening, and got a nice kiss! I thought the date went mostly well. I thought there was real, genuine, mutual physical attraction between us. I got home and messaged her. Experience of past dates has taught me that even what you think is a good date can still be perceived badly by the other party. But no, she responded with kisses and said thanks for a nice night. So all was good at that point. Myself and her kept chatting for over a week after that. But the sexual conversations largely stopped, and she had had bad luck with having both being ill that week and also having family problems as well. So the messages I got from her became less and less frequent. It was really hard for me to tell whether she was just having a stressful week, or whether she was losing interest in me, or perhaps a combination of both. Anyway, on Saturday night, something else happened. I was in a bar with some friends and got talking to yet another woman. Myself and her seemed to "click" - so I thought. My thought was that even if it wasn't going to work out with my ideal woman, I would give this other attractive woman a shot anyway. So I asked for this other woman's number at the end of the night. She was East European and was older than me, but didn't look older. On Sunday, I messaged the woman I'd been talking to for several weeks and asked if she wanted some time to herself to sort out the family problems and so on that she had. She said yes, I don't want to lead you on, I'm not ready for dating right now at the moment. So I said I'd text her back in several weeks or a month and that was basically how it was left, she said thanks for being so understanding. Obviously I felt terrible at having to stop talking to what was the woman of my dreams, but I thought I could resume it later and give it a chance with the woman I'd met the night before. But I messaged her and she said she wasn't interested in me. Suddenly, I found myself left without a female who was interested in me for the first time in over a year. Obviously, I felt very low on Sunday night. On Monday night, I went back on another sex dating site (not the one I met the woman I was talking to on) and got talking to other women on that. Although it is hard to be a single man on a sex dating site, if you get your tactics right it is still possible to get interest from women and especially if you are (or appear to be) a guy with good looks and/or a good body. I was talking to a woman that I got the Kik username of off that sex site, but not only was she not very attractive physically (short and fat) but we also had nothing in common and the conversations didn't go well. I didn't feel that her level of intelligence was anywhere near mine and we were not on the same wavelength at all. Rather aimlessly, since then I have been using a sex site to message women for the past couple of days. I do get some women viewing my profile (I have had to block gay men because there are far too many of them) and have had replies from around 5-7 women after messaging maybe 50, 60 or 70 women in total on that site. But it's just depressing and feels pointless. There is no one who is compatible with me on a site like that. They are all of low intelligence. None of them were like what I had just a few weeks ago. And then tonight? Tonight I have just been feeling really low. I had what I felt was the woman of my dreams, this close, I went on a date with her, I kissed her, we had amazing sexual conversations about all kinds of kinky and perverted things and shared pictures of ourselves, we had great non-sexual conversations, we kept talking even after the date which is a very good sign, and now we're not talking. There is an old quote which I remember reading somewhere online many years ago which said - "Expect nothing. That way, you will not be disappointed" What I had, felt too good to be true. I was this close to having the woman of my dreams, and now I've been let off the hook. She never actually said that she didn't want to resume trying to date me after her problems and issues were over, but I do get the impression that she was trying to hint at it. The way it was left was that I would contact her in a few weeks for a chat just to see how she was doing, and that would be it. But how likely is that to realistically happen? Thing is, why do I even bother with all these online sites - dating, sex sites, and everything? Why do I even care so much about what women think? Why do I attach so much value to it? All it does is make me miserable. I know I am a fairly attractive guy and can definitely get interest from women (although that being said if I was to lose a little more weight I could be a very attractive guy, but that little extra weight I'm carrying is so hard to shift), but I have also been plagued with mental issues throughout my life. I have always been "a bit crazy", if that makes any sense. I have always been prone to low and high moods. It runs in my family, because my mother had the same types of moodswings as well. Nothing can make me feel lower than knowing that I had the woman of my dreams this close and I feel I fucked it up. But I still don't know for sure whether it's me she's lost interest in, or whether it's the issues in her personal life that are causing her to not want to be dating at the moment. Feeling really low tonight, but feeling a bit happier now that I have explained almost everything that I need to explain. I just hope that there are people on this site that are here to listen and respond to my concerns in a completely non-judgemental way. Thank you!
Alright so I have a 4.3 inches penis. I just turned 17 and now I know that my chances of growing are gone. When I was 16 I was told that I was going to grow, but I haven't. That's not my point though. I have this amazing gf, but I'm to scared to have sex. I haven't even told her about my size problem. That's what I'm scared of mostly. I just can't tell her I get to embarrassed. I have no clue how she'd react. I really love her. It makes me really sad to be honest. I hate my size. I really hate it. I feel cheated in life. I don't feel like a man yet. I pray I'd grow, but that hope is lost. It doesn't help that I have no true talents. I'm honestly not much. I just work hard and I tell her so many things. I give her a million reasons why I love her every night. Yet I go to sleep crying. I feel so fucking pathetic. It's just unfair. For fuck sakes even 5inches is good enough...hell it's better then what I have now. My girth is 3.5 inches. I mean can she feel that? I just I'm sorry I'm just ranting, but I just need someone to give me hope. Tell me one damn good reason why it's okay. Or at least tell me I have a chance and why. Frankly I don't see any.. do you?
Hi.I feel like I'm falling apart and I need help.My parents are getting divorced after 20 years of marriage because my dad has been cheating on mom.I'm so hurt because of what my dad did to me.I've lost a lot of people recently and the most important one just told me I am no one for him from now on.I feel so alone.School is killing me too and I don't know what to do.I feel like I'm not doing anything right and like there's always something wrong with me.I feel extreme guilt for everything even the way I look.Please help me.