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Found 13 results

  1. I want to formally introduce myself. I am 28 years old and I have done a B.E. 4 year degree program in Electrical Engineering and an M.E. 2 year degree program in Electrical Engineering from a prestigious institution in my country. I started my profession immediately after my post graduation and so far have 4 years of experience working in different leading enterprises, incorporatives, companies and organizations. I have worked in 8 organizations and I am faced with a unique dilemma as this has never happened before and should have at least not have happened to me. Having an I.Q. of 140 according to Mensa International, I began to utilize my intelligence according to much higher levels of philosophical, ideological, sociological and theological perspectives of existence trying to keep a stable balance of a foundational equilibrium between Optimism, Idealism, Rationalism and Existentialism. After integrating myself with genuine intellectuality and original sophistication I decided to upgrade my mental and physical abilities with personality and behavior in order to improve myself. I wanted to improve my education, qualification, sophistication and facilitation along with my skills, abilities, talents and potentials. I believe that in order to become an integral member of society that puts a positive impact on the world or the path towards goodness is achievable by understanding and learning the difference between good and evil or right or wrong and using that knowledge or information to formulate your morality by which you can build your empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness in an unbiased fashion that is not dependant on a desire or a wish for a reward or recognition or respect or retribution or even redemption. I am a multidimensional allrounder with multiple personality positive types and traits. I have got open mindedness to experience; I am very conscientious, extraverted, showing high tendency of agreeableness, with humility, balanced self esteem, balanced tendency to get perfectionism and I utilize all forms of learning styles like synthesis analysis, methodical study, fact retention and elaborative processing. I also have a fairly balanced personality in regards with sensation, intuition, thought, feeling, emotion, warmth, reasoning, liveliness, consciousness, conscientiousness, social boldness, sensitivity, and vigilance. I am a Type A personality with all four temperaments like Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholic and Phlegmatic joined together in a multifarious network that projects my behavior in different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that display my identity in a unique or different manner in specific kind of situations, but majority of the time I make an effort or take an initiative to synchronize with my surrounding environment without negotiating the foundational structure of my moral integrity. I try to practice the seven virtues of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility. I make an effort and take initiative in integrating and assimilating myself with positive emotions like affection, confidence, contentment, courage, curiosity, desire, empathy, gratitude, happiness, hope, interest, joy, love, passion, trust and wonder. I am living among people who have a narrow perspective of life. I believe you should not underestimate other people and not judge others lest you be judged yourself. I didn’t get time to indulge myself in the finer things in life because I was too busy working hard in progressing and evolving into a more knowledgeable person who understands the difference between good and evil and right and wrong and uses empathy and altruism as well as compassion and kindness to make this world a better place. I wasn’t allowed to watch television or film or use computer or internet in my student days and I have never had fun in my life. I have worked in 8 organizations out of which 2 were of international level. I am writing Doctoral thesis and post-doctoral research papers for Engineers, Doctors, Scientists, Technologists, Physicists, Mathematicians, Chemists and Biologists. I am the founder of my "Martial Arts Institution And Organization". I invented the first Robot Doctor on artificial intelligence that works better than a human doctor in diagnosing minor diseases and illnesses, I am the founder of my own rock band, worked in radio as a DJ and RJ, wrote an encyclopedia book on Martial Arts. I have 8 black belts in different styles of martial arts like Kung fu, Taekwondo, Aikido, Jujutsu, Karate, Ninjutsu, Savate and Muay Thai Kick Boxing, I am 7 times national champion in Gymnastics and 9 times national champion in Kung fu, 2 times national selector and 2 times national judge, I have written my first rock album and my first rap album and I am also a maker of documentaries and films so what I am trying to say is that I didn’t make all of these achievements while sitting in my room as some arrogantly ignorant and obliviously naïve people think. In order to become a genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individual, I had to study really firm and had to work very hard to read thousands of books on a multidimensional allrounder level on a diverse variety of all academic disciplines ranging between arts, humanities, social sciences, pure sciences, natural sciences and applied sciences to understand how this world really works. I believe that in order to formulate new ideas you have to join the old ones together in a fusion hybrid to gain broader perspective. I believe that in order to invent new things you have to indulge yourself in innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design. This is how I live my life and I am very successful in it. Remember success is not measured by the amount of money that we have accumulated but by the amount of contribution that we have made to society by helping our fellow man. I have done plenty with the grace of God. That’s why I am affiliated with 8 NGOs. I know that I have worked very hard in my life studying and working 16 to 18 hours a day and after being an educated, qualified, sophisticated, facilitated individual with high level of skills, abilities, talents, potentials, wisdom and intelligence and massive stages of knowledge and information from all fields and departments of academic disciplines, I faced a lot of setbacks and things may not have appeared to work out for me at this period of time but the game is not over until it’s over right? But people just don’t stop being idiots and don’t learn how to admit their mistake and apologize for it or grow up or wake up. Unfortunately my family and my relatives do not appreciate my efforts and initiatives because they like to have a good time making fun of me and also because they want to live in their pornographic fantasy that they are the only ones who are working hard while the rest of the people are just busy violating their fathers, brothers, husbands, sons, mothers, sisters, wives and daughters. I guess haters are always going to hate no matter what you do. I like to indulge myself with innovation, creativity, research, development, exploration, discovery, manufacturing and design, but unfortunately I have limited options available over here. Let me tell you what the culture of my country is. I belong to a conservative country whose dominant religion is Islam. Now before I say anything else I don’t want anybody to stereotypically label me. There are 50 Muslim countries in the world with 1.8 billion Muslim followers and all of them are not like the way I described them; I am only talking about the people in my surrounding environment regardless of their religion, race, color or creed, but mentioning this information was a necessary application. The reason that I mentioned this truth or fact was that I want to explain how religious extremism can victimize you. I belonged to a religious conservative preacher saint family who raised me up like an altar boy. I was taught the foundations of my religion. The five pillars of Islam, Faith, Prayer, Charity, Fasting and Pilgrimage. I did all of them like a devout Muslim following the Quran, Tafseer, Tushreeh, Hadith, Sunnah, Seerah, Fiqah; all the laws and principles, all the verses from the scripture , the guidelines, the Fatwas, Philosophy, Ideology, Sociology, Theology, and even exegesis of religion; I am an unofficial student of comparative religion so I have studied other faiths as well including all major religions from Islam to Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Jainism, Taoism And all other major religions as well. I integrated fully with my religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum and system. I was trained like a gentleman from the Victorian era Renaissance period. I followed every instruction or protocol down to the last letter. I was an exemplary Muslim and then I started getting victimized by the new wave of modernism in my society, and when I began to became less conservative and more liberal of my own free will even that was not enough because then my country started going through another level of hypocrisy and a new wave of extremist islamization started infecting my country like an epidemic or pandemic. It spread like a disease or illness that had no bounds and I was then victimized because of my liberal views. I used to have a beard and I wore a traditional dress taking care of my decency and protected myself from all kinds of vices and sins. My friends used to say that this boy is so pious and saintly that angels perform ablution from his sweat. But then things changed and I was known as a loser who is a eunuch or a hermaphrodite who doesn’t know the ways of modern living. I was part of a peaceful organization dedicated to spread the message of Islam; the moderate or balanced version of it at least, it was obviously a preaching organization and I was its most forward member but then I began to notice signs of extremism and that created a problem. I was born Muslim but I did not just take Islam as my heritage dictated I embraced it of my own free will. Islam is a wonderful religion if you know the right version of it. The females in our jurisdiction are programmed in the same way. Males are portrayed as potential rapists or like dogs waiting to pounce on them. A female is led to believe that males have no natural theory of selection meaning they do not have any standards and they have zero options so they would go for any female since every female is the most beautiful gorgeous hot and sexy girl in the whole world for all time so even a 95 year old woman who has decayed into a skeleton would flatter herself like that and would actually have an army of her family and relatives protecting her more than a high profile target like the British Queen because obviously every man dreams of raping a 95 year old woman right? Even when she is going to the hospital for a routine medical health analysis. But the most ironic part of this situation is that the massive level of confusion and conformity that is plaguing our nation includes people with diversity and versatility in such a way that one female cousin of mine would stay 20 feet away from me because I am a male while the other would get upset with me if I don’t kiss her in front of 20 males. Yeah, try to figure that one out. A female is taught to believe that if she speaks to any male other than her father, brother, husband or son God would strike her with lightning and she would burst into flames. I was taught that if I even looked at a female I was going to be vaporized with lightning speed. Even thinking about females was considered a sin. I liked girls from a young age and I always wanted to get married and have a family. Who doesn’t, which brings us to the issue of marriage. Before I tell you my story further, let me tell you how the system of marriage works in my country. It is obviously none other than the system of arranged marriage integrated down to its roots in any patriarchal society. The definition of arranged marriage according to my ideological philosophy is a hypocritical mechanism of a prostitution industry integrated and assimilated by the shallow and superficial rankings and ratings of financial situations and reproductive organs. Initially the system wasn’t so bad because it was based on morality and the priorities were straight, selections were made according to suitability, a boy or a girl or a man or a woman were selected according to personality and behavior rather than wealth or title. It was a great facility that was useful to the people who are not able to find a suitable spouse on their own. Now this system has been corrupted as well and the lust and greed for power and influence has destroyed the foundations of this great institution. If you even remotely have the luxury to think that you have got a fair opportunity of having the right to have an idea of a few standards and options in getting a suitable worthy marriage partner or even sending a proposal to a potential spouse in my country; you need to know that it has become more difficult than getting into NASA. Trust me I was looking at the requirements for the organization and I am eligible for it but you would be surprised that even a person like me with a great resume is getting trouble finding a wife. Marriage is now getting out of the range of all the people in the vicinity of the middle classes every second of everyday due to the misbalance in the salary and inflation with the demand and supply of a female’s ever raising expensive and luxurious tastes and her selfishness and materialism. First the only way you can get married in my country is through arranged marriage most of the time; that is where you can send or receive the best proposals; after that you’re options keep on getting lesser and with the passage of time goes down to zero. Your whole life could get destroyed just because you breathed in the wrong manner. Arranged marriages are now done in my country according to fame, fortune, wealth, property, assets, possessions, materials, politics, power and influence. For example a female does not want a man she wants a god. She would want him to have a huge set of muscles and he should be as pretty as a Hollywood actor otherwise you don’t stand a chance. Majority of the times the rich guys always win and take away the prettiest ones and then the rest are left for the lower classes. Yes, our society runs on class systems and status quos. Rank, position, standing, grade, category, group, type, order, level or stage they are all taken into measurement according to a design algorithm or a mathematical formula. Along with that religion, race, color, creed, faction, family, district, town, province, state, city, sector even neighborhood affects your variables in the statistical probability of your selection process. I am an eligible bachelor but I was rejected just because my sister got divorced; imagine that. That’s right; if any sibling inside your family gets divorced the rest of the members will not get a fair opportunity to send or receive proposals, it is an immediate disqualification. Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one. I know! If there is a hell on the face of this entire planet, it is this place. It is absolutely unfair and unjust, but that’s how a hypocritical society works. If you want to send a good proposal to a good family, you need to have at least a 90 by 90 square feet plot on which you should build a 16 bedroom mansion, with a front lawn and a back yard, 2 vehicles like a sporty and a luxury one, 8 servants and 480000 bucks per month salary. In a poor country like mine where thousands of people are dying due to starvation and living on less than a dollar a day, that is quite a luxurious demand of a female spouse from her male provider especially at the age of 24 when he has just post graduated from university. Nobody in the whole world can fulfill this demand on his own unless he is the son of a rich tycoon which proves my earlier points. What does the girl do? Nothing. Females in my country are used only as pleasure machines and off spring producing industrial factories. The faith and belief of a girl revolves around money and penis; in fact she measures the size of your penis according to the size of your bank account. She only respects 2 types of men; one whose money their under and the other whose penis their under. You have to wear a Ralph Lauren and come out of a Ferrari to be taken seriously in the higher classes and that’s where I have been all my life, now trying to fit in there is getting absolutely impossible and I can’t go anywhere else because I would not be welcome or would not even fit in because of the limitation in the mindset of their traditional circle. They only bring in people of their own kind and my kind is already quite different. Majority of the females in my part of town just eat, drink, sleep, excrete, have sex, make babies and do shopping. They treat you impolitely and furiously all the time and they behave horribly and terribly if things are not going according to their will. I always take great care of my mental and physical health and fitness, but it just doesn’t matter because at the end of the day people are still going to judge you on your natural weight and height on which you have no control. That is what I don’t understand that why in this modern day and age we are still so shallow and superficial that we judge people on their physical appearances or on any factor that you don’t even have any control over. I didn’t have any control over my sister’s relationship and neither did she yet I got punished for it. Now people have a problem with my anatomical mechanics. I have got an impressive sport record even then people think that I am weak because I have an athletic figure which is lesser than the ideal figure of WWE Wrestlers like Dwayne Johnson. Unfortunately I don’t want to become Dwayne Johnson so my natural theory of selection becomes unacceptable. Girls in my world have been brainwashed by all kinds of international media who dictates how beauty should look like but even though genuinely intellectual and originally sophisticated individuals know that beauty is a matter of relative perspective they still fall back into the same primitive patterns of finding suitable mates according to weight and height as their ancestors did thousands of years ago. My weight and height is medium and that is supposed to be ideal according to the field of medicine but it’s just not good enough for females in my jurisdiction of the world. If you look at the history of beauty, the perspectives have modified themselves on different shades and angles. 10000 years ago the concept of beauty was totally different from what we have now; a male was thought to be handsome if he had sensitive features and an athletic figure and men of larger sizes were considered unattractive and repulsive. If you need some evidence you can look at the art work from even the renaissance period and you would be able to see like as in the paintings of David and Goliath. David was made to look beautiful by his sensitive features and his athletic figure where as Goliath was made to look unattractive by showing him as a huge hulk type figure with more broader and sharper jaw line features. If you look at the famous statue of The David designed by Michelangelo you would notice that he also has an athletic figure. I in fact look just like the statue but unfortunately what was considered a sign of beauty is now unacceptable in this day and age. I guess I just ended up in the wrong timeline. Point is that there is no specific formula for measuring beauty. Scientists have tried to measure it by putting a theorem on the facial anatomy and giving it a value of 1.618. 1.618 is known as Phi (and also as the Golden Ratio, Golden Mean, Golden Section and Divine Proportion) and its mathematical cousin, the Fibonacci sequence. Things get even more complicated when you start facing problems with your job, career, business and trade. Point is I make lots of money but it is just not that good enough for my type of people. Females in my group practice what is called hypergamy which is the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class. This puts my situation in trouble obviously. On top of that my proposals usually get rejected because the statistical probability of the future prospects of my job do not achieve an acceptable value meaning that I am being targeted for something that might have a logical basis but has no moral value. How can we predict what going to happen in the next 20 years when we don’t even know what is going to happen in the next 20 seconds. I thought a perfect relationship could be achieved by the mental and physical compatibility that synchronizes with each other’s personality and behavior at a simultaneous quantum or period of time and space. It is not a high standard but quite a simple one in which you just have to be yourself. I am not saying that money is not important but there should be a balance between your analytical and emotional paradigms and between your robotics and humanity. I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen everywhere because then we would all be in trouble. I have worked and done business with foreigners and I have talked with them and asked them lots of questions in regards with dating and marriage and they tell me a few similar things from my part of town but not so messed up as my situation. From what I have been told you don’t need to make an appointment with the security council to issue a written permission to pass a bill in the senate to offer an opportunity to interact with a member of an opposite sex. In order to talk to a girl you don’t have to plead with the father for permission. You can approach a girl and just say "What’s Up" and that would be just fine as she would not shoot you in the head. You don’t need to fulfill the 12 tasks of Hercules before getting a date with a nice girl. I always imagined and dreamed myself of one day being a groom and seeing my bride walk down the path towards me, making my parents proud and becoming an acceptable and respectable member of my society. Giving my parents grandsons and forwarding my legacy, but I guess that is not going to happen. I have been stereotypically labeled as a failed person who has inadequate masculinity and does not deserve any happiness or peace in his life. The only thing left for me now is a slow and painful death; a life of despair and loneliness. I have become a subject of humor in my relatives. They absurdly find it quite hilarious that I am still a virgin. I do not have a girl friend. I do not have the option of dating. The only way I can get near a girl is if I get married to her and that is not going to happen. There are a few other facilities but those are also not applicable and would not work because they still need the permission of your parents. My parents have technically disowned me because I wasn’t able to become the God child they always wanted. I live alone in a flat betrayed and rejected by the people I trusted and loved the most. I know how to solve these problems but taking advice from a professional is also recommended. They say even a signal to a wise person is good enough. That is what I need; I need to have the proper guidance and counseling tools to point me in the right direction which does not compromise my moral integrity. Point is that I know how to solve this problem in 24 different kinds of ways but I don’t want to lose my humanity in the process. I want to solve this but also remain truthful and honest about it. There are many people in the world who have gotten many things in life through unfair means and after having everything they still feel empty on the inside. They try to shield their hollowness by bridging the gap inside their personalities and behaviors by over compensating for their inferiority complex and low self esteem. I don’t want to be one of them. Another thing that I find quite fascinating is the insanity of looking down on somebody because of their sexual orientation or inclination. The most interesting of the ideology whose philosophical implications are tremendous is insulting, patronizing, disrespecting and humiliating someone on the basis of their sexuality stage like the phase of virginity. I have absolutely no idea why people make fun of virgins. It has no logical or rational basis. Everybody is born a virgin. It is not up to them to decide who, what, when, where, why, which and how are they going to lose it and even if it is, shouldn’t it be their prerogative. Virginity is an idea of again labeling your sexual status which is your private affair. Nobody should have the right to admonish or isolate you on that. It has become a symbol of discrimination in the whole world. The most shocking thing is that it has become a symbol of ridicule even in Islamic Muslim conservative countries like mine where fornication, adultery, promiscuity and infidelity are regarded as the most repulsive acts of human vices. Even then there are people in my neighborhood who look down upon me because I am still a virgin. That doesn’t make any sense when I do not have the luxury of even having a fair chance at interacting with a member of an opposite sex since they are all covered up in 24 layers of clothing like a Burqa or Hijab and locked in the 4 walls of the house; well at least most of them. If even I was born in a western setting or a modern secular liberal free society of a developed country, it would still be a despicable act of self indulgent behavior or narcissistic pretentiousness if someone would harass or victimize somebody based on their sexual activity. It is like attacking somebody for not living on your base instinct of eating insects for proteins so that you can have the ultimate level of survival training as a benchmark for proving your masculinity and success as a person of a higher order of society. It is like being violent with someone because he or she is not using their reproductive organs according to your preferences or standards of life that you have created to measure something that does not have any basis of measurement for anything. There is no requirement in any field or department of any academic discipline or any job, career, business or trade that you are supposed to lose virginity. No religion, cultures, traditions, ethics, morals, etiquettes, manners, rules, regulations, principles, values, norms, decorum or system requires you to lose your virginity. In fact it is considered a sign of decency and nobility. There is a double standard in this as well. If you are a virgin male you are looked down upon as a failure or a loser, while if you are a female virgin you are considered quite desirable. Although this also has 4 combinations this can be a good thing or a bad thing for both males and females depending upon the place or area of the world they are living in. On the other hand if you are a promiscuous male then you are considered to be quite accomplished even if you may not have done anything else, but if you are a promiscuous female then you are considered to be a dirty slut. It doesn’t make any sense; it’s like a Shakespearean play. To love or not to love; that is the question. Even if you do decide to have sex then who should be the person. Obviously then you have to analyze the standards and options, which then brings you back to square one. No amount of success in your life will solve this problem because people will still think that there is something wrong with you. Newton, the most influential scientist in the world died a virgin, but I don’t see anybody throwing his work out of the window. Jesus was a virgin; I don’t see any anthropologist, archaeologist, historian, poet, writer, philosopher, ideologist, sociologist or theologist targeting him on that quality. What if you do lose your virginity; what then, does that prove anything except that now you are not a virgin anymore and would that solve our problem; not really, because then you would need a regular or a permanent relationship which again has double standards and relative perspectives. Losing virginity does not signify how much regularity of sex you have and neither can anybody measure that according to any standard, because there is no equipment, instrument, gauge or device that can measure the level of satisfaction or fulfillment or happiness or peace of your relationship. Neither there is any ranking or rating or classification or categorization that can prove that your sexual proficiency in synchronization with your mental aptitude of your ultimate standard has given you the best sex you can ever have with someone. What you do with your partner mentally or physically is only acceptable according to your own understanding of your idea of a romantic involvement which is only acceptable to you on your own grounds. Jean Simmons claims to have made love to 4800 women in his 24 year music career; Justin Bieber has had sex with 40 women up till the age of 20, but then how do we measure the standards of those women and what was the satisfaction level of the sexual interactivity. So what I am trying to say is how much sex an average person should get in his lifetime to become socially acceptable. I know that there are some people out there who are genuinely in love and are having the best relationship but I also believe that sex is something that people usually get very less and it fades away really quickly. Why do you think that majority of the musicians are in business for such a long time. Why do you think that majority of the top 50 billboard songs always revolve around sex. Just think about it. The conclusions that people draw from somebody’s virginity are also very ridiculous. If somebody is a virgin, it may be due to different reasons on which he or she may not have any control or it might not be their fault to really begin with, in the first place anyway. Just think about it, if people get to know or find out that you are a virgin it is automatically judged in the most harsh manner imaginable. It is like the worst sin ever committed in human history more brutal than Adolph Hitler’s World War II that killed 48 million people. If you are a virgin you are qualified to be stereotypically labeled by the whole world on an international level according to a similar tradition of unorthodox logic, rationale, nature or instinct that you are a horrible and a terrible person who deserves to be lynched, staked, crucified, burned or vaporized due to the reason that you might be a freaky, geeky, dorky, nerdy person who might be a pervert and if he is a pervert then he might be a stalker and if he is a stalker then he might be a molester and if he is a molester then he might be a pedophile and if he is a pedophile then he might be a rapist so we should just kill him before he does anything wrong. That is how the stereotyping average regular human mind works. When you lose everything and hit rock bottom, one of the last things that go before darkness takes over you is none other than your faith. I am hanging on the last ray of hope and final string of faith. I have seen that in this loveless life of mine, everything is going to go against you. Your friends will betray you, your family will disown you, your mentors will admonish you, your teachers will humiliate you, your relatives will disrespect you, your partners will deceive you, your government would abandon you and your nation would vilify you because you did not synchronize with their hypocritical principles. On top of that your job, career, business and trade get destroyed, you start suffering from mental and physical diseases and illnesses, you lose you wealth and then your health, your fate goes rogue and your destiny becomes illusive, you become partially blind with floaters and then you start suffering from high levels of anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension and the doctors give you a death sentence that if you don’t get treated you might actually die of a nervous breakdown or a tendency to commit suicide. So if a person unfortunately gets involved in this kind of situation, I think that his faith would be one of the many things that would get negatively affected. Let’s put this thought into perspective; the ultimate question that every individual asks is why did this happen to me. The answer has many variables but the simplest one is that you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and your heredity and genetics were screwed from the very beginning resulting in a design that was following a destructive pattern of entropy from the foundation of its origin. But then the God variable comes in the form of divine intervention projecting the ideology of changing your fate by making your own destiny by showing your own resolve and praying to God that he will pardon your sins and reward you of your righteous deeds and take away your pain and suffering and make you whole again and then give you back your health and then your wealth and then your success and your purpose and your love for morality and humanity. But as it turns out, this pornographic fantasy does not work that way. I was actually betrayed by my Islamic clerics who deceived me with their lies that if I pray hard enough, my problems and my troubles will go away. That did not happen and things just got worse no matter how hard I tried to rectify them. So a person asks what in the name of God’s heaven is going on. If this life is an examination then why would God help us in the first place anyway and if we are going to get what is written in our fate then what is the point of praying in the first place anyway. This makes you feel disappointed as you feel like God has forsaken you. The most genuine and original form of Islamic guilt. You feel as though you either did not do enough service for him or maybe he just doesn’t love you that much. My whole life has been a Muay Thai Kick Boxing Tournament with God every second of everyday for 24 hours since the day I was born up till the day I die. I should probably get this written on my tombstone. Nothing has ever been that easy for me. Even the simplest of things have proved themselves to be nightmares because you have to fight your way through 10 barricades of different types of obstacles for fulfilling one task that should take just one second but somehow ends up taking the whole bloody year because you’re living in a hellish place with stupid people. I feel like Odysseus fighting twelve Gods at the same time. I just don’t find that fair but as it turns out life is not fair. I believe that if we are progressing and evolving through our understanding of our purpose and existence then I believe a higher from of intelligence like God who is our creator would also be progressing and evolving like us but on a higher level. God just looks to me as a research scientist who is playing a game of chess with us as his pawns. The only difference is that we have got free will. The important question is that what my purpose is in his grand design. How do I decipher the design matrix of God so that I can transcend from my inquisitive state and move forward with my spiritualism? A person of faith like me who’s only friend left was none except God and now he feels as though even He has forsaken him brings forth the ultimate purity of loneliness. Loneliness is not the absence of communication; it is the absence of intimacy. Everybody wants to have a friendship or relationship that has a foundation built on either benefits or pleasure or humanity or goodness that helps you become a better person and makes you want to strive ahead to live life to the fullest even if the odds are stacked up against you. Unfortunately according to my experience, I have noticed that you are born alone and you die alone, and nobody cares about you or is coming for you. After a little while everything just seems pointless; you lose your inspiration and motivation and everything becomes so meaningless in such a way that all of your ambitions, passions, targets and goals just don’t really matter anymore. It just gets so difficult to get up in the morning and life starts feeling like a burden. Your sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings become warped and you integrate with anxiety, depression, nervousness and tension. Work is no longer fun and fun is more work. You don’t feel like enjoying your life when you feel miserable all the time. You start thinking like a dark, negative, cynical and pessimistic brute. Everything is so blurry and everybody is so fake. You feel empty or hollow. You don’t want to indulge yourself in anything because it has no meaning. You start hating everything and everybody. It is like a downward spiral. You’re afraid that something bad is always going to happen no matter what you do because you are just stuck in a fix that you can’t get out of. It feels like you’re trapped. It feels like you’re in a quicksand and you are slowly drowning. You start thinking about death and sometimes you just wish that you were buried in your grave. Sometimes you just wish that you went to sleep and never woke up. You don’t feel alive anymore and you see only the whole world burning down in front of you. Why am I feeling this way? It doesn’t make any sense. Should I reprogram myself into becoming a robot again? I have got 2 options in my life. I can either become the most indestructible and unbreakable organic machine devoid of any sensitive emotion and lose my humanity or gain my humanity to lose my power and gain a world of pain and suffering only to feel alive and find a meaningful purpose of my existence. Do I submit to my pride and live in loneliness or do I surrender to love and live in pain? Who am I and what am I doing here? These questions have always bothered me. There is no easy answer. Do I live alone for the rest of my life and never have to worry about hurting or getting hurt by anybody ever again without any distractions or limitations? Or do I find somebody to have a meaningful relationship with, only to know that she wasn’t the one that I was looking for and everything that she pretended to be or I thought that she had was just a mirage or an illusion, enough to make me realize that my whole bondage was a dream in fact my whole sensations, intuitions, thoughts and feelings towards her were just a projection of a fantasy that wasn’t real? Then the ultimate question originates about how do I find out what is real in this world? Do I take a leap of faith or measure the hope of getting real love according to a formula revolving around a theory from all forms of natural sciences like physics, mathematics, chemistry or biology? Would I ever be able to calculate who, what, when, where, why, which and how would I be able to acquire what real love is or should, could or would be? What is love in the first place anyway? According to the oxford dictionary and the explanation in philosophy books, love is a thought of unselfish loyalty and benevolent concern for the well being of another person. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. Love is so much more than that and no matter how hard you try you can’t really calculate it, because it is embedded deep into the core of our consciousness with different permutations and combinations of random and complex variables that are changing so much faster than the speed of light that even time reverses itself in the fourth dimension. I guess love and time have got an intricate relationship that goes beyond our truth and reality. Which triggers my desire to learn more about it in such a way that it becomes an obsession, until my mind wants to be a part of it because it gives me a reason to live. Am I being illogical or am I following my instincts for the first time in my life since becoming self aware? Is love really the defining factor of my humanity that is rejuvenating my morality or vice versa or my digital circuits have been integrated with an anomaly or are facing a temporary glitch? Is love really a self aware conscious thought or is it just a biochemical instability or hormonal imbalance that assimilates feelings of reproduction for the survival of the species. The more mysterious this emotion is the more it intrigues me and its fascination invokes the desire for its acquisition. Is it too much to ask from this unforgiving world? Am I not just trying to be known to someone special and be important for her so that I can fit the missing pieces of the puzzle and find a broader purpose for my existence? Is it so hard for this world to accommodate me? Would I ever be able to achieve my target and reach my destination? I guess only I can answer this question. No matter how hard I try to resist this emotion due to my bitter experiences, it still finds me and when I give in to it, it just tears me apart again. But the beauty of it is that you always want it even more. The irony is that it is so difficult to find and even if you do find it, it will ultimately fade away. But I still try very hard to put myself in a situation or position to prepare for it again so that I can take the first step towards beginning this journey, even though life itself is not giving me this opportunity and fate itself is trying its level best to stop me. Love is kind of like a journey of finding yourself; when you find yourself, you find love because they are the same thing. How do I find love in this unforgiving environment that I am living in? That is the ultimate question. My friend’s story was quite similar with a disastrous ending. He was a good person; did all the right things and made all the right moves. He couldn’t get a job and nobody tried to help him, instead his family blamed him for everything and nothing he did was ever good enough. On top of that his other friends made fun of his virginity and told him what a loser he was because they got married and were making love to beautiful women while he was a useless and worthless piece of garbage who had absolutely no future prospects. He started working as usual in a low paying dead end job and with no labor laws and no designation of minimal wages, the organization exploited his situation and made him work down to the bone until his mental and physical health and fitness started getting irreparable damage. They paid him absolutely nothing even when his internship had finished and he was a permanent employee. Instead he was paying them to gain experience. That is how corrupt our government and private sector are. He was doing 4 jobs at one time in which he was getting less than minimal pay for 2 jobs from which he was paying the other 2 jobs related to his qualification field so that he can progress in them by gaining experience in these jobs and so that he could build a future. Even after working like a zombie robot and getting treated like an animal he stayed strong and prayed for things to get better but to no avail. After working like a slave for these monsters it was all in vain and his efforts were futile. He was barely able to afford his rent and his family had disowned him and with no facilities like social security, medical insurance, career counseling, unemployment stipend or welfare support which are considered as necessities in developed countries but are luxuries in underdeveloped fourth world countries like ours, he was headed towards an armageddon which he won’t be able to survive. In our country even electricity, gas, water, phone and internet are considered as luxuries. We get sometimes 24 to 48 hours of load shedding or power blackouts in our country. Finally the alienation and isolation took his toll on him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He decided one day to finish it and ended up committing suicide. All he ever wanted was to love someone and be loved in return of his and her own free will. Was that too much of a high demand? In millions of women available, not one could find an eligible bachelor like him worthy enough? Does he necessarily have to finish the 12 tasks of Hercules? Does he really need to become a God? I don’t want to end up like my friend. I always wanted to have a normal life even though being a normal person is such a relative perspective. I don’t even know who I am anymore and when you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what do you want, where do you want to go, when are you going to get there, why are you doing this, which option is the best and how are you going to solve it. I don’t know whether I want to be with anybody anymore. Should I be alone and preserve my humanity or should I be rejected and lose my morality. How do I know and how do I tell? Is it moral to be alone or is it inhumane to be rejected? I know people can learn how to survive alone if they make a conscious decision or if they have no choice. I still have a choice but do I really deserve to be with someone? Do the rules of philosophy or psychology dictate that I need to be with someone to progress and evolve? And if they do then what is the logic behind it? And if it is settled then how do I be with someone? I haven’t been taught courtship or companionship. I do not have a doctoral thesis or theoretical experience in the field of female sexuality, dating, sociology, psychology or philosophy with which I could develop interpersonal relationships. I have never even talked to a girl in my life except in situations in which there was a work requirement in university or office and I live in a conservative country. I am 28 years old and I have never even looked, talked, walked, touched or kissed a girl in my whole life. I mean all of this in terms of having a meaningful communication or a thoughtful connection. After living a straight and formal life, I have been stereotypically labeled by my family and friends as a homosexual, a womanizer, a pedophile and a rapist but the ironic or poetic part of this situation is that I am a virgin. My mental and physical health and fitness are going down which means that if this deterioration keeps progressing on a mathematical formula then I am probably going to die a virgin. All I need is a fair chance at life; is it too much to ask? I don’t even know how it feels like to be touched by a woman. It’s not like I don’t have money; I do, but I am not a super rich guy and it is unfair that I need to have huge loads of money so that I can buy a wife for myself. Majority of the girls in my country do not use dating websites in fact they don’t even use the internet mainly because of the reason that they are either illiterate or too backward for using that technology. The few girls that do use the internet and even fewer who might use a dating website have got even higher standards of demands from their potential spouses. Meaning at the end of the day in order to put the long story in a shorter version, there isn’t much left to deal with in the first place to even begin with anyway. There is a massive shortage of women and even a larger shortage of good women. I do not have a degree in psychology or sexuality and I have absolutely no idea how to talk to a woman as I have lived in a guarded and segregated environment. How would I be able to make a woman fall in love with me when I don’t even know how to talk to them? They are totally different from us in many fields and departments of life. One of my biggest fears in life now is loneliness but on top of that are also people. How can I fight both fears that are polar opposites and are working against each other to facilitate my safe zone but also torturing my preservation of a healthy life. Am I supposed to just survive or do I deserve to be happy? Do people like us never find peace and keep on suffering in pain till the last breath of their lives? Should I just give up all hope and learn to live with my demons or is there a way out? Should I do the right thing and feel miserable or should I do the wrong thing and think that I am satisfied? Should I do the wrong thing and think that I am doing it for good or should I do the right thing and feel that I am doing it for evil? Should I rather be hated for telling the truth or be loved for telling falsehood? Should I rather prefer to live in a reality that is a nightmare or an illusion that is a dream?
  2. My mother is probably one of the most hypocritical person I have ever met in my life. I was rejected by my mother since the day I was born mainly because of the reason that she did not feel any love or attachment towards me and that would possibly be due to the reason of the matter of the fact that she got an arranged marriage that was absolutely loveless. The weakness in her resolve further deteriorated her character to an abysmal level. She belonged to a religious conservative family background as the daughter of a farmer who was also a holy man who had quite a significant number of adherents or followers who worshiped him like God. Imagine how much pressure it would bring on a liberal person of my stature when you are in the position of being a grandson to a holy man being worshiped by a whole jurisdiction or region of people belonging to different tribes and groups. I remember the first time when I was a child and a follower kneeled into prostration in front of me and I got really confused and I asked my mother that you always told me that only God deserves to be worshiped in this way and only he should be kneeled upon, then why is he doing this to me? Does he think that I am God? My mother’s answer was that they think that we are God’s ambassadors on the planet and due to being born in a specific tribe we become high born and gain royal blood which puts us in a position of huge responsibility of taking care of our kingdom. This made absolutely no sense to me as I believed and was taught by my religion that all men are created equal and no white has precedence over black and no local has precedence over a foreigner. The original version of our religion taught us that people of all religions and cultures are supposed to be respected. The Christians and Jews can be our friends and they will not go to hell just because they are not Muslims; they will go to heaven and they will be judged just like we would and their respective Prophets will act as their ambassadors on the Day of Judgment. It is written in the Quran as well; God says that if it were up to me I would have created all humankind with same faith but I deliberately created this diversity as a test so that we learn how to respect and overcome our differences and honestly join together through our similarities to live in peace and harmony with each other. That’s why in our religion interfaith and interracial marriages are encouraged to promote this level of diversity. It would absolutely be self contradictory for a religion to state that other religions or races or colors or creeds should be isolated but at the same time be allowed as well. Unfortunately there are some factions in our religion that think otherwise even though there is quite an overwhelming level of evidence or proof to suggest the contrary. But again they are a few and majority still believes that it is just fine. However the rest of the world is bent on vilifying us for a religion that is vastly misunderstood not by the foreigners only but also by the Muslims themselves. People don’t understand when I tell them that when Quran has a verse saying "Kill all the outsiders who have wronged you" it was only applicable to the people 1400 years in the past when they were in the middle of a war for their survival from the Quraish tribe that was trying to kill them for their Islamic beliefs and not for all time up till the day of judgment. The verse as usual has been taken out of context and misinterpreted to defame a peaceful religion. Anyway my ultimate question to my mother was very simple; how can a man who doesn’t even know about his own future and can’t even predict about his own fate on the day of judgment would be able to save these people and offer them retribution or salvation? My mother could not satisfactorily answer this question because she knew that this whole phenomenon of "Holiness" was just a cultural travesty and had nothing to do with religion in the first place to begin with anyway. But due to this level of unawareness my mother was brainwashed into following a hypocritical system of retroactive conformity of a class system designed to subjugate the illiterate people and manipulating them into believing in something that was not the truth to create a culture of subservience towards the power and influence of the ruling classes which would keep them in their place and vulnerable to follow rules that would keep them functioning in the lower order so that the masters keep their agricultural lands and their production in accordance with government tyranny and corporate imperialism. Obviously my mother began to realize that as a woman her position might actually be quite secondary and at the end of the day her brothers will get majority of the benefits. That includes the inheritance of land as well which is also a cultural thing. My mother after conforming towards the hypocritical fundamentalism of her traditional family still got betrayed by her own father which then resulted in developing a high level of insecurity in her personality and behavior. Although she was educated but due to limited vacancy she didn’t get a job and now was stuck in raising a family which she didn’t want to. She wanted to belong in the social circle of her relatives and she tried her level best to impress them and be hospitable to their needs and follow the standards of traditional living but none of that was good enough for her super rich extended family who always put her down for absolutely no reason until she just lost her mind. In that frustration and irritation she took her fear and hate out on me in the most negative manner possible. In order to make matters worse she decided to find refuge in religion which further manipulated her inferiority complex and low self-esteem and used it as a weapon to make her think and do whatever the organization wanted her to think and do. Islamic guilt has a way of making you feel like a sinner 24 hours a day just like many other religions. They turn you into their puppets by making you go through a stage wise process of Kubler Ross and David Kessler Model of grief which is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Majority of the traditional housewives that turn towards the asylum of religion are suffering from grief, but the major difference is that they are not transformed into zombie robots that are devoid of critical thinking and human emotion or are made to follow the laws and rules of suppression or submission or obedience or oppression. That put me in her sniper sights and she found me as a perfect suitable escape goat for her life’s problems and troubles and used me as a punching bag to take out her nihilism, pessimism, cynicism, skepticism and all her negativity. She became a rageaholic maniac determined to make my life a living hell because her husband treated her like a piece of garbage and religion blamed her for it. She was a classic case textbook manual orthodox run-of-the-mill example of a spoiled rich pampered girl suffering from biochemical instability and hormonal imbalance. A relationship is based on trust, respect, loyalty, justice, empathy, altruism, compassion and kindness and when your own mother doesn’t even fulfill one factor then you’re fate has obviously dealt you a tough hand. I became a victim of mental and physical abuse by my mother as well. The issue that really hurt me was her weakness in acknowledging the truth or fact of the situation and her inability to be loyal and just while being trustworthy and reliable. She was being unfair and didn’t even realize it. In order to make matters worse she started lying about everything in order to save her reputation. In order to save her reputation she would lie about me not only to my family members but also to my relatives negotiating her honor and dignity. This behavior made her lose her trust and respect but she was willing to surrender her ethics and morals. It is part of our righteous piety that we are not at liberty to divulge sensitive or private levels of information about our own family members to anybody including members of the extended family as well. My mother would say or do anything to her own family members in order to save her reputation which goes to show how much pride has led her astray and towards the depths of hypocrisy. She would gladly throw me to the wolves by blaming me for whatever problems or troubles happened to me in my life but also blame me for everything wrong that happened in the lives of my whole family including her if she is put in a tight spot which is absolutely irreversible and unacceptable. Let me give you an example on how much vindictive my mother could become. When I was a kid I used to have trouble breathing due to a diverging nose that had a middle bone that was so deformed that it blocked my left nostril and I wasn’t able to inhale proper amounts of air to get oxygen and it used to be a problem and on top of that my nose is very small in fact I probably have the smallest nostrils in the world which obviously wasn’t helping the problem as well but making it a little worse. I was having trouble sleeping and used to snore very loudly and then had an accumulation of nasal fluid that used to infect my sinuses while also causing things like sleep apnea. All of these situations resulted in my nostril tissues, nasal passages, airways, sinuses, throat, tonsils, esophagus, lungs and my whole respiratory system getting negatively infected. I was obviously diagnosed with DNS (Deviated Nasal Septum) and surgery was recommended immediately when the situation became more serious as my nose had grown to almost its full length as I was 16 years old. The treatment of surgery was only the most logical approach recommended by the doctor or specialist but my mother just refused to admit that I would actually be suffering from something genuine and she blamed me for being sensitive to my respiratory disease. I had to fight for my right of being taken seriously and treated as quickly as possible before something else happened but my whole family didn’t want to listen. Ultimately I had to use my father’s rank and had to go to the naval hospital myself alone to get my surgery done so I took the bicycle and admitted myself without telling my parents. After I woke up from the surgery I informed my father that I had gotten he surgery done and I am going to be returning after a few days. Upon returning home and still bleeding from my nose I was going into my bedroom and I saw my mother in the lounge totally offended and removed from the intensity or potency of the situation. Her words were absolutely one of the most painful and hurtful words I would ever hear in my whole lifetime. She said and I quote "You would always be a pain in my neck". I would never forget these words as they are one of the most heartless, thoughtless, uncompassionate, inconsiderate, unkind and selfish words a mother could ever tell her child after he has gone through so much pain already and in which he had no fault of his own and he never inconvenienced her in the slightest and did everything himself even then she could not say one word of support. What kind of a mother is she that just doesn’t give a damn? But who am I kidding right; she never gave a damn about me since the day I was born in the first place to begin with anyway. This incident was just to give you a small idea of what she could actually do if things were not going her way. My mother actually has a much worse habit of manipulating her family members into making them fight amongst themselves by portraying herself as the victim and then using the ignorance of the family member to turn against his own flesh and blood. This kind of devious activity would probably put even the devil to shame. Once she went to such an extent that she made all four members of my family including me fight amongst each other for a very trivial issue that had nothing to do with anything. My mother plays the innocent victim or the damsel in distress routine better than anybody I have ever known because that is the ultimate forte of the women in my region and it is known as deception. In order to formulate her lust and greed for power and influence and keep herself relevant inside the family she would say or do anything to keep the relationships among the family members unstable so that she can keep on reaping the benefits. My family members can’t process multiple relationships so they stick to their most favorite ones and this weakness is then exploited by my mother who plays on their insecurities and turns them against each other so that she can still remain important. She will indulge herself in this devious game and turn father against son and sister against brother and that’s how she will get her way with us. How do I influence her in a positive manner that our relationship could be improved?
  3. Hello All, I month or two ago there was a journalist who was asking around on here requesting some input into a small penis syndrome article she was writing. I think several people on this site might have contributed and I just happened upon the article, today, so I thought I would share the link. It's aimed at trying to help those with SPS, especially younger people. https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/kz33mn/small-penis-dating
  4. I am the user formerly known as infrared_radiation. Decided to sign up with a new account as have got a new computer, it's a new era and things have changed completely for me. I do not want to dwell in the past or be stuck in the same dead-end mental rut that I was in before. I want to look to the future. I am feeling very low at the moment, and would appreciate some help and advice. I know I've said things on this forum in the past that have been unpleasant, controversial or even hateful but that's what a low mood can do to you. It can make you a complete monster if it wants to. So anyway, without further ado, my situation. Actually, let's start off with who I am. I am - 30 years old Scottish living in Scotland A heterosexual white male Formally educated but doing a working class job Very borderline mildly autistic but almost normal 6 foot 3 tall Good looking, with a larger than average penis Muscular build with broad shoulders, but also slightly overweight and carrying a bit more body fat than I should Physically, my main flaw is that bit of extra body fat that I'm carrying. No matter what I do, no matter how well I eat, no matter how hard I work, I cannot shift that extra body fat around my waist particularly, much as I would really really like to. But, I have a lot of muscle as well and I don't look particularly overweight with my clothes on. Now, so what was I going to say? Oh yeah, my situation. I'll start by giving a bit of background here... During my early twenties, I was an alcoholic, and I dropped out of university twice, and lost my mother to cancer. It was a really, really rough time for me and affected me mentally. But I gave up drinking because I knew I had to for my own health, and have been given up drinking for over five years now, but still drink occasionally although only low alcohol beers which are around 0.5% alcohol which you could never get drunk from. I do go out socially sometimes and drink non-alcoholic beer but not like to nightclubs or anything, and do know a lot of people but don't have a huge social life. I used to have quite racist views, which will be well known to certain people on this site. Certainly, the heavy drinking and the stresses of life during my early twenties exacerbated these feelings, which initially started with a dislike of non-white ethnic minorities and white women who date and have sex with them. I don't know whether this came from porn, or from looking at racist websites on the internet, or some combination of these. These views then transmogrified into self-hatred, in which I developed a complex in which I started to hate myself for being white. Then now, I've entered the stage which is beyond even that, which is apolitical and non-judgemental and in which I only try to be a decent person and try to do the best I can and be true to myself and reasonable and fair. At this stage, I just don't give a fuck anymore, I just try to be me. As far as sex and relationships are concerned, I will explain my situation: I have done sexual things (sexual intercourse, mutual masturbation and/or oral sex counted only here so basically anything involving the genitals) with 13 women in my life in total so far. This does not include situations that have only involved sexual touching with clothes on or a topless woman, if those were included then the number would be closer to 20 I find sexual intercourse to be very difficult, particularly because of the large size of my penis and its girth in particular, and often find it very hard to actually get it in to a woman's vagina, and have made women bleed before during sex because of its size As far as dating and relationships go, I have been doing online dating since 2012 and have had at least 25 dates, probably closer to 30 and quite possibly more than that, since I started doing the online dating and have also had dates from women I've met in real life as well. I find it quite easy to get dates on a regular dating site, but I also find that often many of those dates did not go well in real life for one reason or another. I have had a small number of short relationships lasting a few weeks to a few months prior to last year, and am not long out of a relationship that just lasted one year, which I will explain more about in greater detail later in this post In addition to regular dating sites, I also go on sex sites as well and will maybe get 10 messages back for every 100 that I send out on a sex dating site I only finished with my last girlfriend a month ago. I broke up the relationship with her because I was desperate to get out and was already talking to another woman which gave me the perfect excuse to finish it. I have no regrets at all about breaking up with my ex, none whatsoever. The truth is that even the first time I met her, I wasn't sure if I wanted to even be seen in public with her, let alone date her. Yet, I ended up being with her for almost a year! I was never really attracted to her at all. The main reason I was with her was because we had a lot of common interests - music, TV shows, life, doing things together and going places and having fun. It wasn't so much about physical attraction at all. My ex was very fat and unattractive, short and dumpy and fat with short hair, very much the opposite of what I find physically attractive in a woman. By the time the relationship was coming to an end, I practically felt physically sick by the thought of having to share a bed with her on those nights that we went away somewhere and I had to share a bed with her. I found it repulsive when she touched me and tried to kiss me, it made my skin crawl. I was absolutely disgusted by her, and she was head over heels in love with me. I hated it so so much. But we still went on so many trips together, we went not just all over Scotland but all over Britain and we went to loads of music concerts and even went to be in the audience on a TV show. Every time I had an interest in something, she had to have an interest in it as well. Her level of interest in me was obsessive to the point of being fucking creepy. If I knew what she was going to become, I would have gotten out of there far more quickly. I had only been in a relationship with her for 3 months and if I ever had any sexual attraction to her at all, it was all gone by that point. I feel almost physically sick thinking about how ugly, fat and disgusting she was and honestly wish I'd never ever had anything to do with her. Her size was also beginning to cause her health problems as well, and that was another factor that put me off her as she was unable to walk for even more than half a mile at a time which is very different from me as I like to get out and be physically active and go places. It's worth noting that I have rejected women before. I do not simply have sex with every woman I have the opportunity to have sex with. In 2015, I had an online meet with a woman in another town in Scotland who was about 100 miles away from me and was two years older than me. I drove to her flat on a Saturday, found out that she was very fat and unattractive and also had many ugly tattoos, lived on benefits, had a flat that stank of cat's urine and was a complete mess, and she stank of smoke and was a heavy smoker and had a poor diet of junk food. I spent an evening with her watching TV and we got a takeaway, then when I got into her bed and before we tried to have sex I was so repulsed by her that I said to her that I had to leave and drove 100 miles in the dark, leaving her crying on her sofa smoking a cigarette and she was wearing only her panties. Can you really blame me for what I did? And so similarly I was with a fat and unattractive woman for a year, and we got on well as friends but there was no sexual chemistry - she wanted me and I didn't want her - and it was torture. And I am a guy who likes curvy women. I love curvy women (really I can't overstate this enough, I love them to bits and find them sexy as hell), but I find unhealthy levels of obesity to be disgusting and a big, big turnoff. I actually really like big curvy women with big breasts and even more so a big ass and big wide hips and thighs. I also strongly prefer tall women of 5 foot 10 or taller, not that I object to smaller than that of course but I just find big, tall and curvy women to be the most attractive thing ever, although when I say curvy that does not mean obese (cannot emphasise that enough)! I would also say that I strongly prefer white women over non-white women, just as a matter of personal preference. So anyway, I was in this relationship that I hated, and I have been on various online sites when I was still in a relationship with my ex - dating sites, sex sites, porn sites, you name it, I was on it. I was completely sexually unsatisfied with my ex, and it got to the point where I refused to even attempt sex with her because I hated the thought of doing it so much. She was the one getting sexually frustrated with me because I wasn't interested in her sexually at all. Last month I was on a sexual website which I won't name the name of, when I got talking to a woman in my city. She was the same age as me, very pretty, very curvy and what's more she was almost the same height as me. Now, as I've already stated, that combination of factors matches up with what I've already said I find sexually attractive perfectly. Finding another woman who actually had that perfect combination of looks, curves and height would be maybe like a 1 in 10,000 chance of it ever happening again. It was literally love at first sight for me when I saw the pictures of her before we even started chatting. Looks wise, she was the ideal woman for me, the woman of my dreams. Due to my experience in dating, I tried not to come across as too keen as I know how off putting that can be, but couldn't help myself from showering her with compliments about her looks and how gorgeous and sexy I found her anyway. And we started chatting, and the chat went well. We exchanged usernames on Kik messenger and started chatting on that. Due to the fact that it was a sexual site, we had no qualms about sending explicit pictures of ourselves to each other, or having explicit discussions about very specific sexual fetishes. To my delight, she accepted all my sexual fetishes and interests and she told me about all of hers. In a very real sense, she was every bit as sexually perverted as I am and we were sharing dirty pictures of ourselves with each other and having very kinky explicitly sexual chats about all the sexual things we'd love to do with each other. Anyone here ever seen that episode of Family Guy called "Quagmire's Quagmire"? Well, it basically felt like that - the good, initial stages of that, anyway! And not only that, aside from the really hot sexual conversations we had, she seemed to have a lovely feminine and understanding personality who was really nice to talk to about both sexual and non-sexual subjects. I literally thought I'd found the perfect woman, the woman of my dreams, the woman I never ever thought could exist because she was just too perfect. I was still in a relationship with my ex at this point, and we were due to go away on a trip to a music festival that weekend. We went away somewhere one night before the festival started, shared a bed with her, got no sleep, and then the very next day took her to a train station and told her that the relationship was over. Told her to take her bags and go. I was so, so glad to be rid of my ex. All I could think about was the new woman I had been talking to. I got talking again to my new romantic and sexual interest, and we continued to have sexual conversations and share sexual photos of ourselves with each other. And then we arranged a date, and that was two weeks ago today as I write this. We met up at the train station, then went for a meal and chatted, then went to the cinema. The conversations we had were completely non-sexual and I think we were both a little bit nervous but we coped! I held hands with her in the cinema and had my arms around her for a while because honestly I just wanted to physically touch her so much. I really tried my best not to come across as desperate or too keen, but I guess I maybe did anyway. I walked her back to where her car was parked at the end of the evening, and got a nice kiss! I thought the date went mostly well. I thought there was real, genuine, mutual physical attraction between us. I got home and messaged her. Experience of past dates has taught me that even what you think is a good date can still be perceived badly by the other party. But no, she responded with kisses and said thanks for a nice night. So all was good at that point. Myself and her kept chatting for over a week after that. But the sexual conversations largely stopped, and she had had bad luck with having both being ill that week and also having family problems as well. So the messages I got from her became less and less frequent. It was really hard for me to tell whether she was just having a stressful week, or whether she was losing interest in me, or perhaps a combination of both. Anyway, on Saturday night, something else happened. I was in a bar with some friends and got talking to yet another woman. Myself and her seemed to "click" - so I thought. My thought was that even if it wasn't going to work out with my ideal woman, I would give this other attractive woman a shot anyway. So I asked for this other woman's number at the end of the night. She was East European and was older than me, but didn't look older. On Sunday, I messaged the woman I'd been talking to for several weeks and asked if she wanted some time to herself to sort out the family problems and so on that she had. She said yes, I don't want to lead you on, I'm not ready for dating right now at the moment. So I said I'd text her back in several weeks or a month and that was basically how it was left, she said thanks for being so understanding. Obviously I felt terrible at having to stop talking to what was the woman of my dreams, but I thought I could resume it later and give it a chance with the woman I'd met the night before. But I messaged her and she said she wasn't interested in me. Suddenly, I found myself left without a female who was interested in me for the first time in over a year. Obviously, I felt very low on Sunday night. On Monday night, I went back on another sex dating site (not the one I met the woman I was talking to on) and got talking to other women on that. Although it is hard to be a single man on a sex dating site, if you get your tactics right it is still possible to get interest from women and especially if you are (or appear to be) a guy with good looks and/or a good body. I was talking to a woman that I got the Kik username of off that sex site, but not only was she not very attractive physically (short and fat) but we also had nothing in common and the conversations didn't go well. I didn't feel that her level of intelligence was anywhere near mine and we were not on the same wavelength at all. Rather aimlessly, since then I have been using a sex site to message women for the past couple of days. I do get some women viewing my profile (I have had to block gay men because there are far too many of them) and have had replies from around 5-7 women after messaging maybe 50, 60 or 70 women in total on that site. But it's just depressing and feels pointless. There is no one who is compatible with me on a site like that. They are all of low intelligence. None of them were like what I had just a few weeks ago. And then tonight? Tonight I have just been feeling really low. I had what I felt was the woman of my dreams, this close, I went on a date with her, I kissed her, we had amazing sexual conversations about all kinds of kinky and perverted things and shared pictures of ourselves, we had great non-sexual conversations, we kept talking even after the date which is a very good sign, and now we're not talking. There is an old quote which I remember reading somewhere online many years ago which said - "Expect nothing. That way, you will not be disappointed" What I had, felt too good to be true. I was this close to having the woman of my dreams, and now I've been let off the hook. She never actually said that she didn't want to resume trying to date me after her problems and issues were over, but I do get the impression that she was trying to hint at it. The way it was left was that I would contact her in a few weeks for a chat just to see how she was doing, and that would be it. But how likely is that to realistically happen? Thing is, why do I even bother with all these online sites - dating, sex sites, and everything? Why do I even care so much about what women think? Why do I attach so much value to it? All it does is make me miserable. I know I am a fairly attractive guy and can definitely get interest from women (although that being said if I was to lose a little more weight I could be a very attractive guy, but that little extra weight I'm carrying is so hard to shift), but I have also been plagued with mental issues throughout my life. I have always been "a bit crazy", if that makes any sense. I have always been prone to low and high moods. It runs in my family, because my mother had the same types of moodswings as well. Nothing can make me feel lower than knowing that I had the woman of my dreams this close and I feel I fucked it up. But I still don't know for sure whether it's me she's lost interest in, or whether it's the issues in her personal life that are causing her to not want to be dating at the moment. Feeling really low tonight, but feeling a bit happier now that I have explained almost everything that I need to explain. I just hope that there are people on this site that are here to listen and respond to my concerns in a completely non-judgemental way. Thank you!
  5. Hello, I have always known how I was, I just didn't know other people were also this way; plus with the ridiculously misdirected information on the internet about people with ASPD/Sociopathy (amongst various other things) it was hard to really correlate myself with that. But because of a prolonged amount of relationship/money/health/law/life failures, I saw several therapists and ultimately got diagnosed with a shit ton of things, primarily ASPD, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety. Depressive episodes generally caused by the ASPD. Pretty sure its because of the boredom. First I'll just say that I had a fucked childhood. My non-biological but rather adoptive grandfather, 30-year mayor of my former hometown, loved by all, got arrested for 93 (not the actual total of counts but a compromised decision of an amount to plead for) counts of primarily self-made child porn that he made with me, many of my siblings and cousins and classmates and community members. My dad was into heroine and meth, and my mother caught him doing meth in my closet when I was a toddler, told him to leave, he tried to set us on fire, blah blah, got away with it. Classic bad abuse situation, like in the movie "Enough". lol But yeah, she ended up having to sneak me and one of my brothers out of the state to where I currently live. We were poor and my mom was super irresponsible but chill I guess because she just fucked a bunch of dudes for money/rent, so we moved around a lot til we lived in the country, then our landlord would fuck her outside on the hay bales and get her drunk and leave her in the snow, and my older bro would carry her in. We were both pretty desensitized. I hated living in the country. Went to a tiny country school with a bunch of hicks. Had no good friends but on, she was kinda fucked tho. Had a lot of tantrums, wouldn't speak to adults, was really weird. She was cool tho. Demented. We used to play "Husband and Wife" and simulate sex without actually having sex. It was weird but we justified it. She would also get randomly fucking furious and beat me spasm-like and swear at me. I never really cared so I didn't tell anyone. I knew she was pissed and I didn't think I could really help her, so I let it slide. But I did hit her back a lot, and I talked shit about her, and even after she shaved her head for me when I had cancer, she told me she loved me and I thought people would think I was a lesbian so I said that was gross, she said something and ended it with "fuck you" and I thought I was clever and said "I know you want to, but I don't feel that" and I ended up laughing about it with the asshole jocks who made fun of her and it was props fucked but I didn't care. And OMG she made a "I hate 'Mill Puppy'" page on Facebook (btw mill puppy is in place of my real name.). It was hilarious, many of my classmates liked it. It was really fucking middle school demented but like I couldn't be mad. She eventually killed herself but I wasn’t at ALL surprised. And when I found out, I was almost amused. I pretended to be destroyed, but I can’t say I actually was/am. Anyway. I had a lot of crazy shit happen in my childhood. Didn’t care. Knew how to lie and manipulate from a young age. Knew a lot about people. I’m high functioning. Cancer did not affect me. Didn’t take it seriously. Still haven’t. But I’m cured. I’m in college. I keep getting bored with people. Relationships. Romantic relationships. But I think I found another socio in my friend group. I really like him. We have lots of sexual tension. He’s my frat dad (they voted to allow girls in) and I often masturbate to fantasizing that he is my “daddy”. lol) He’s not particularly attractive, but he’s like me. He plays with me and I like playing with him. I’m in a relationship and I like the guy I’m with. He’s my ideal person. But he’s just boring. Idk. It’s hard. I really liked him. He only wanted to be friend at first, I won (as per normal) and now we’re in a relationship. I’m trying to see if my socio friend will want to relationship (I know he’s gonna be a good fuck) and he’s power hungry like me. I also like fashion and Instagram, and I need a small body (but my body was fucked by cancer) so I starve myself. I feel no sort of guilt for this at all. I was also raped multiple times because I literally don’t care. Idk, I’m wondering if anyone has advice or is like me?
  6. I was with someone for three years off and on. We both had our issues, me with my bad temper and the fact that I don't like kids, him with his inability to tell the truth and lack of respect, plus I doubt he had ever heard of give and take, but that got a little better as time went on. I finally ended it for good in June of this year but we still "hang out". My issue is, I seem to irritate him on a regular basis, and I don't even know why. I feel like I am nice most of the time, he is always welcome at my place, I offer him food and drink, I helped him out a lot when he didn't have a car... How is that irritating? I do know he hates to be questioned, which I do, when things don't add up, I call him out on it. I hate to be lied to, and as mentioned above, he has major problems with telling the truth. So yeah if I think he is lying, I flat out say so. So I can understand how that irritates him, but I also feel like if he could just be honest and stay honest, he would have a better life. Anyways, I asked him tonight, if I irritate him so much, why does he stay friends with me? He said it isn't that often but even with that being said, a lot of the time, I'm just being me. If that irritates him, maybe we should not be friends?? I can't walk on eggshells for the rest of our friendship.
  7. Hi everyone, I've been ignoring this problem for a long time, let sleeping dogs lie etc., but that hasn't been working out so great. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have had our ups and downs, have managed to overcome most of them, some of our issues still need to be ironed out. Anyway, I met his best friend shortly after we started dating in 2007, and we've developed our own friendship over the years, with the encouragement of my boyfriend. Problem is, I'm pretty sure his friend has at various times had feelings for me, and honestly I've had a recurring thing for him since maybe 2012. If I wait it out long enough/suppress it the feelings fade. But the problem is they *always* resurface. It's starting to eat me up inside... I've tried avoiding him but my boyfriend keeps encouraging that we should talk etc. After a good 10 months of not speaking with the friend, we've started talking again these past few weeks (nothing major, really simple stuff) and of course my feelings are all over the place, once again. I don't know what to do... I don't want to be unfair to anyone or cause tension in their friendship by telling anyone about this. I've cycled through these feelings 5 or 6 times in the past 3 years. I don't know what to do. Should I talk to the friend about my feelings or is it better if I continue keeping this to myself? The thing is I don't know if keeping it to myself is ever going to be a permanent solution since the feelings continue to resurface. I believe there is a difference between being truthful about how you feel and working through it vs acting on those feelings. I don't want to do anything inappropriate and I'm not looking for an excuse to do so. I just don't know how to deal with this and I'm feeing very confused and overwhelmed.
  8. I'm Corder and I'm a gay 17 year old from a fairly LGBT friendly area. I recently came out to a few close friends, but for the vast majority of people - including my parents, they have no idea that I'm gay. My parents would be supportive, I just haven't found the opportunity to tell them - more on that later. I'm going to explain a bit about myself personality. I suffer from crippling social anxiety, though I've never seen anyone about it. I find it incredibly difficult to make small talk, I can't go to parties, or really any large event with people, It just freaks me out. I'm incredibly self-conscious and find it difficult to talk to people, especially those my own age. I can speak to close friends - maybe 2/3 people, but even with them I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about myself really. If the people are around my own age, it's considerably worse - school can be a nightmare at times. I have to use the disabled bathroom, as I can't go the toilet in the mens room in the school, I'll just be standing trying to pee for 40 minutes to no success. I'll frequently break down into a nervous sweat if I'm asked to talk in class, and will actively avoid areas I know there are going to be people my age. I've pretended to be sick just to get out of going to events/parties. I've never been in a relationship, with a guy or a girl. Whilst I have my social anxiety, I want that level of commitment/compassion - however, I'm consigned to my current life on loneliness. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to any clubs/parties, or even a group for gay teens, so it's unlikely I would have a chance to meet anyone - and even if I did, I probably wouldn't notice, as I wouldn't be able to talk to them. Despite having a few friends, I'm still incredibly lonely. It hurts to see people go off to events, and have to pretend your ill as you can't face going. Any advice? Thanks for reading, Corder.
  9. Hi everyone, I'm new here...Sorry for the long post, but mental health issues are a stigma at home so I don't have people to turn to. I'm 20, and go to college currently. I have known I've always suffered from high anxiety and perfectionism issues, but have only been going to therapy/working on myself for the last month. I dated this guy for 2 years who's depression has recently come back. We were very different from each other, and often had communication issues, especially with boundaries (both our first serious relationship). We always seemed to work through it, however. This semester he had a lot of school work piling up, he's a RA at school so he has odd and long hours, works multiple jobs, etc. I started to feel him shutting me out (wanting to hang out less, talking less), but didn't want to talk about it. Then, he suddenly broke things off with me. Two weeks prior he was crying about me, saying how he never wanted to lose me, and loved me forever, only to change. When he broke up with me (which was long winded), he yelled, said tough things to me (I was manipulative, hurtful, a problem, snobbish, racist, and more), then cried, then said he was "being unfair" to me, then got aggressive/angry and stormed out. I waited a month to contact him, and things were going great with light contact for a couple weeks, until he suddenly got cold/angry again (I'm not certain what I did) and refuses any form of contact with me. He doesn't do things he used to like to do anymore (theatre, lectures, events), does not go to any of our friends' parties, and has shut everyone else out except a couple family members and 2 friends (neither of which he sees much.) I don't know when this started to happen, but some of his recent blog posts have shown that his depression came back. He has a history of self-harm, but unless he shows to be suicidal or homicidal my college can't get involved. I know I'm being selfish for wanting him in my life, but I'm also very concerned for his happiness and well being. Do you guys have any insight or help for me, and some suggestions on how I can reach out or repair things? Anything would be appreciated, really. I just feel lost and alone.
  10. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He lived in another city but recently moved to the same city as I am about 6 months ago. During those 6 months, I have found out things that he has done before, even during our relationship including: 1. sending nude photos to women in exchange for photos of them 2. sexting with other women 3. flirting with women on Facebook He claims he stopped doing those things, but the fact is, he did them. He did them until almost a year into our relationship. He admitted he used to do those things (he says he doesn't know why) but that he loves me and he was 'stupid' and 'an idiot' but he realized what he was doing was wrong and quit. He deleted his Facebook to help with my anxiety (he says he was addicted to it). The thing is, I just don't know if he really did. It has given me the worst anxiety of my life. This is the man I thought to be my soul mate and that I was going to marry. He didn't physically cheat on me, but I feel like it counts as an emotinal cheating. Sometimes I feel like he is being honest, but then I think he could be still doing these things and covering them up. I feel like he is addicted to the rush. He asks his friends when they meet girls 'did you see her boobs". I mean, he is 30 years old! It makes me feel like he is not ready to take the next step in his life and grow up. I also know before we met, he used match.com to hook up with girls in different cities while he was there for work. This bothers me beyond belief. I am so confused by all of this. Am I being paranoid? Or do I have low self esteem. Sometimes I think, well he could have used me as one of his escapades, but he just happened to fall in love...other times I am completely happy, then worse times I feel like the relationship is over and I am holding on to his words.
  11. Five days ago my wife was diagnosed as having a psychtoic episode and has been prescribed aripipprazole (Abilify) by her psychiatrist. The psychiatrist has said it is very likely this episode has been caused by slimming pills she has been taking for a prolonged period of time which has resulted in her having high levels of seratonin and caffeine in her system. The problem is, over the past 6-12 months she has developed an obsession, bordering on pathological, for the lead singer in a pop band. Following this psychotic episode four days ago she has told me that, after seven blissfully happy years together, she wants to separate because she feels she cannot love me the way she did because she knows she would happily leave me if the opportunity ever arose of her being with this pop singer. She realises that it is just a fantasy and the chances of it coming true are zero. Yet she wants to be independent and single just in case her fantasy might come true. I need to know how long it is going to take for the Abilify to start to work and her to realise she is living in a fantasy world that can never happen and for her to realise she has made the biggest mistake of her life. Also, will the Abilify stop these fantasies? Her psychiatrist said the drug will undo the damage done by the high levels of seratonin and caffeine in her system and diminish the thoughts she's having but I'm not sure if it is going to change the way she thinks. I can wait a long time because I love her more than life itself, but how long will that be? It was only four weeks ago she gave me a valentines card say 'when we married it was for better or worse....I couldn't have done any better and you couldn't done any worse'. And every family member and friend of hers I've spoken to have said she loves me more than anything. Our relationship has always been so strong before she got ill so her psychosis is the reason for this. Please help me
  12. If your husband is distant, and he seems not to be paying attention to you as he used to, there is a new program out there that allows women to really solve their marital problems without having to drag their husbands to therapy. This works even if there seems to be no hope in the relationship. This is great! Check it out at my blog at <link removed>.
  13. I have a generalized anxiety disorder and I suffer from depression off and on. I have taken medication for my anxiety in the past (Wellbutrin and Cipralex) but due to the sexual side effects, I decided to stop taking medication and deal with my anxiety and depression naturally with homepathic medicine, exercise, and therapy. So far things are going ok, although I have bad days. I guess I need to give it some time since i've only been off medication for a few months. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are very much in love. He also has a generalized anxiety disorder however it is more severe than mine. He has been on medication for a number of years but has recently decided to start tapering off of his most recent medication, Paxil. Along with the sexual side effects, he was also have major digestive upsets. Being in a relationship with two people who have a mental illness is hard. Sometimes it's hard for us to support each other because we're both hurting/sick at the same time. We do our best. Now that neither one of us are on medication, it's especially hard. I get depressed very easily and I'm very sensitive. He is frustrated and anxious due to the tapering. We never go out. I can't remember the last time we went on a date. As much as we enjoy each other's company and love each other very much, we're both getting depressed because of the sheltered lives we're leading. I am having some social anxiety issues, and he is having general anxiety issues which prevent us from planning dates and going out. It's a weird feeling. We want to go out and enjoy life, however anxiety issues prevent us from doing this. I find what's especially hard is I'm doing a lot better than he is right now. I've fully tapered off of my medication and I'm finding ways to deal with my anxiety. Meanwhile, he is having a very rough time. He feels bad that he can't take me out like I want. It just gets depressing, always being at home. I want to go out for dinner or go to a movie. But right now that's almost impossible. I just don't know what to do. I wish there was something that could make me feel better about the situation I guess. This isn't so much a question, I'm just looking to see if anyone can relate. Perhaps they can tell me how they dealt with this.
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