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Found 8 results

  1. lookingforafriend

    Just PM me fellow SPS guys.

    Please PM me brothers. I have a plan - we will get through this together. SPS will unite us - we are strong together.
  2. Alright so I have a 4.3 inches penis. I just turned 17 and now I know that my chances of growing are gone. When I was 16 I was told that I was going to grow, but I haven't. That's not my point though. I have this amazing gf, but I'm to scared to have sex. I haven't even told her about my size problem. That's what I'm scared of mostly. I just can't tell her I get to embarrassed. I have no clue how she'd react. I really love her. It makes me really sad to be honest. I hate my size. I really hate it. I feel cheated in life. I don't feel like a man yet. I pray I'd grow, but that hope is lost. It doesn't help that I have no true talents. I'm honestly not much. I just work hard and I tell her so many things. I give her a million reasons why I love her every night. Yet I go to sleep crying. I feel so fucking pathetic. It's just unfair. For fuck sakes even 5inches is good enough...hell it's better then what I have now. My girth is 3.5 inches. I mean can she feel that? I just I'm sorry I'm just ranting, but I just need someone to give me hope. Tell me one damn good reason why it's okay. Or at least tell me I have a chance and why. Frankly I don't see any.. do you?
  3. bumble

    My life is a whirlwind

    Hello. I don't really know where to start. I guess I'll apologize right off the bat for this coming out jumbled if it does. I feel very scattered, or I have felt this way for a couple of months now. Currently I'm a girl attending college in Ohio. Since I was in the fourth grade I've suffered from pretty severe anxiety. I think this anxiety was amplified because my family moved so often. I've attended at least 10 different schools and lived in 4 different states over the years. The moving was due to my Dad's ambition to climb the corporate latter. Though, despite having issues for so long I've only recently been diagnosed with both GAD and depression. I feel like i'm really broken right now and I'm really not sure who I can turn to at this point. Over the summer my dad was infected with a life threatening illness. Thankfully he's alive, but the illness has left him paralyzed. He's currently living in Florida with my mother and my little sister. My two younger brothers are living with other family members because the apartment my parents are living in now is too tiny to house all of them. My father is a business man, and was the breadwinner for our family. Now he is unable to move his lower body and just yesterday went to the hospital again for another seizure. My mother is scared and is doing all she can to help out. Considering the situation he's in my dad is an incredible human being. He continually works to find a job and has been more patient and kind than I've ever seen him, so that's a huge blessing. My boyfriend is a sweet and artistic soul who seems to be struggling a lot right now. He's an extremely talented, artist, musician, and writer. His mother, the parent he was closest to, died in his junior year of high school. He's told me that he believes he's had depression even before her passing. But, her death I think has and still is weighing heavily on him, and his relationship with his family, though ultimately loving, is strained. I've encouraged him to go see a counselor and he is. But, he's highly avoidant (like me) and seems to struggle setting boundaries with people (also like me) and has missed two appointments so far because of other commitments or exhaustion. And then there's me. I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I just know that I feel wrong. I worry all the time and I feel bad to admit it, but I worry so much about how others perceive me. I have really low self esteem. I've tried to make friends, but I usually end up pushing them away some how, or I guess I just struggle being fully authentic with people. I think I hide the real me behind a soft spoken, kind, and optimistic girl who's a bit of a baby. I'm shirking my responsibilities and have lost many if not all my friends simply because I stopped reaching out and the connection was never that strong to begin with. And, this is a repeating cycle that has happened with many of the people I've encountered thus far in my life. I don't think they even know what happened, I think I kind of just faded away. That tears me up a little, or it did for a long time. Lately, I've been terrified of this numbness, or apathy i've been feeling. I feel really ashamed of who I am. I think I'm broken. What's worse is I'm trying to cling on my boyfriend when he needs me to be strong for him. Sometimes, and I know this sounds really self centered,it is but, I feel as if he doesn't love me for me. It feels like he loves all my good qualities but doesn't really know how to deal with my broken parts. I know he's sad and so overwhelmed with his own problems I can't expect him to bear mine. I don't blame him for that usually. However, when I'm really low, I do tend to get upset with him, but I try my best to keep it internal and talk myself out of it. Though, sometimes I wonder if I should just end the relationship? I don't think either of us are mentally healthy. It's really starting to wear on me. I feel easily ashamed of my own feelings and I'm very self critical. My emotions have been reeling from anger, sadness, to feeling perfectly normal. I've been apprehensive to post because writing these types of things out always feels like I may be misinterpreted or judged. But, I'm really at a low point right now and I'm finding myself just wanting some outside input. I don't really know what it is I can be helped with though. I just feel like I'm in a fog. Thanks for your time. It's greatly appreciated.
  4. passionfruit3

    Useless piece of meat

    So i went to the er the other day got my hand bandaged up thats about it for an infected cut.they didn't treat it in anyway just said i needed antibiotics.its been 4 or 5 days since i did it.i didn't let them do blood and when i did they said they didn't need it and now my hand is stinging and i can't go to my doctors cause my dad suddenly has work early in the morning.funny cause usually he just says he has work and never goes anywere. I dont trust it.one car is also broke so were stuck makes sense he didnt want to taxi us and that hed hide out somewere instead of going to work.doesnt matter though he doesn't care. Moms no better shes been in the living room tending to her two other daughters.my older and youngest sisters.does she even get up to check up on me and yesterday her comment was there just gonna bandage it and thats it why are you even going to the er.well i guess mom was right and they didn't do crap and so i told im not gonna do crap despite what the doctor saying its infected and in need of antibiotics i plan to just let it fall or let it become poison in my blood stream since im such a useless piece of dog meat to her and my father.
  5. TheSadPig

    What to do?

    What should I do? I feel like my life has no purpose anymore. My parents and friends ignore me, I barely ever see my family, and I normally am locked up in my room (I lock myself in) to skip school. I don't eat and am falling behind in studies. My best friend recently committed suicide and I just want to see her again, not in a picture. Help. I feel there is only one solution to my neverending grief, anxiety, and depression.
  6. Hello everybody, My name is Martin. I'm a 25 year old man, living in the Netherlands. I've been struggling with myself since a very young age. Lately, I really feel the urge to tell my story to someone. That's what got me here. I grew up in a very happy family. I had the nicest childhood with lots of friends and laughter. Also not the ugliest child and friendly of heart so I was quite popular at school I guess. My parents were very loving towards me and my brother. Our dad had a pretty good job and we lived in a beautiful house. I didn't have the best "study-concentration", but I was very good in sports and all other kind of things, so nothing really to worry about. At the time I was a bit shy and clumpsy with girls, but that's like most boys I guess. Hah well, just like you read it, my youth was pretty awesome. But than I became older. At the age of, let's say 11, I noticed something was a bit different with me than with most boys in my class. After gymnastics, we all showered together and I noticed most of them slowly got pubic hair and a bigger penis. Well, that's were my problems begin. In the Netherlands, we first go to "basic school (till 12 years of age)", then "middle school (till 16/18 years of age)" and later "high school" or university. When I got in middle school, I already had some light panic attacks, but without the physical problems. My penis was still the size it was when I was a boy. It had not grown since my youth. But I was like 13 and was told at biology classes the average penis is fully grown at the age of 16/17. So at that point I still had hope. Ofcourse it was very hard (not my penis) at some times. Getting laughed at after football practice and the panic that comes from that. Being in the same class with some of those teammates, which led to some not-so-pleasant situations. And always the fear of being "discovered" for a larger public. So at that time, it was very hard for me to open up myself to anyone (girls in particular). I became more and more introverted. Don't misunderstand me, I still had a lot of friends (most of my childhood friends studied a higher class) and at times was quite happy. But I was always thinking about my body, day in and day out. So, after 4 years studying the lowest class, I easily graduated and tried the highest class. Most of my childhood friends were in the same class at that time, so that was great. But it became clear that class was a little to high for me, so I joined a middle class. Again, I joined some of my teammates, but not the despicable ones. And guess what, I even met a girl there. She was madly in love with me and that was likewise. I had then reached the age of 16. I still hadn't masturbated at that point. I suffered more and more light panic attacks, praying to everything my body would change. Ofcourse, nothing happened. But I was also very happy at the same time, having met that wonderful girl. She was also a bit of a shy one, but incredibly sexy. After we had a relationship for about 4 months, the moment was there. Before that point we hadn't really had intercourse except a little touching. So it happened and it was great. Although I couldn't last for longer than 20 seconds, my penis did grow a good bit. I had a relationship with her for a good 3 years. In the meantime, we both graduated middle school. It was one of the happiest times of my life, but also one of the saddest. I so depended on her, she really was my soul mate. So when she ended the relationship, I fell in a very deep hole. I already had become a bit depressed, smoking weed and stuff. Well, the next couple of years, I smoked a lot with my friends. My dad died in 2008, which was horrible for my mother. I might as well tell something about my mom. She is the nicest woman in the world. She has had a tough life so far. Her father died when she was 40 or so which led to my grandmother becoming a grumpy old lady. A couple of years later, her brother committed suicide. And then ofcourse my dad died. She has no real family anymore, except for my brother and me and I think she is very lonely. We don't really have a very talking relation, but we feel each other. For example, I can't remember her telling me she loves me, but I know she does. Still playing the role of a happy guy, I wasted half my life. Oh wait, let me tell you about the scariest panic attack I've had so far. This was a real life changer. At some point like 2 years ago (I knew already that most of my old friends knew of my secret, but that was kept behind my back.) I was sitting in the park with a lot of friends. Playing some football, I hear one of my best friend tell the whole group (a lot of new friends, including girls, were there too) about my secret. You couldn't believe how I felt that moment. Thinking about that moment, even now, just makes me sick. A week later, smoking a joint, I got this panic attack. A nearly fainted and had to throw up. That's the beginning of a new life for me. Since then, I always have this "belt" around my stomach. When I panic a bit to much, it will tighten so much it's hard for me to breathe. For a good half year, I couldn't control my heart. Many sleepless nights. But I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't tell my story, my secret. It's now 2 years later, I've controlled the panic a bit by drinking alcohol. I really don't know what to do. But I met a new girl a year ago and she is the best. I really love her so much and I really believe I have to tell her my story. I really am sick of it. I'm sick of it all. I want to write so much more but I can't. Thanks for listening in advance. I really hope there is someone out there that wants to talk with me. With kind regards, Martin
  7. TheLonelyReaper

    Apathy, Lost in my head

    I would like to start this off by saying thank you to whoever chooses to read it. Ever since i was a young boy my family, mom more than the others, told me that i would grow up to be or do something great. These words sort of haunt me in a way, because i'm not doing or being anything great. Everyone i meet tells me they see compassion in me and that i am just genuinely a kind person. Well for the most part at least. I prided myself on being that kind of person for a long time, but not so much anymore. I have sort of given up. My father died when i was four years old but i didn't take it too hard. We weren't close (i hardly ever saw him) and i didn't have a grasp on what it really meant to die yet, but my mom was devastated. I remember watching her cry for some time. She eventually moved on though. After he died we moved out to New Orleans (from Tucson, AZ). That was his home town and it is where him and my mom originally met. We lived there for two years, during i became really close to my cousin who was a year older than me. He was kinda like the older brother i didn't have (I had a little sister 3 and a half years younger than me at the time). But before Hurricane Katrina hit my mom had me move back out to Tucson with my grandmother. She came home a while after i did so i lived with my uncle, grandma, sister, and two cousins who were both younger than me. Nothing really bad happens for a while and life is going on smooth. But my mom eventually started dating again When she got back to Tucson and when i was about half way though my fifth grade year she started dating the man who is my step father now. When i first met him he seemed cool and fun. I was already sorta a punk rock kid because that's what my mom was into, but he furthered my ambition for it. I lived on and off with my mom for the rest of the year and then fully moved in with her and step father. Before i moved in there was really no domestic violence or abuse, maybe like one or two verbal fights. But after i moved in with them full time with my little sister everything started taking a turn for the worst. They fought all the time, weather it just be them yelling or pushing or shoving, whatever. They were at it constantly. It just never got better and gradually got worse and worse. I was failing basically everything at school in sixth grade because i hated the school more than anything else. I got bullied a lot when i first arrived there and it sort of changed who i was. The innocent child who was a fifth grader living in a nice neighborhood was lost to this school. I was one of few white kids there so naturally i was going to catch some grief. But the other white kids there were already somewhat hardened because they had lived in the area and grew up there. Me, on the other hand, thought that everyone still played pretend games at lunch and ran around like little kids. Eventually after getting picked on so much, being the person that i was, i stood up to them and as a result i got in many fights. That's the big game changer. You really can get prepared for what it feels like to get punched in the face for the first time, but i had somewhat of an anger management issue (still do in respect to being hit) and lost it. I ended up winning that first fight and it gave me some amount of pride in myself which was new. I got in quite a few more fights thought that year and got suspended more than once for it. That aside this whole time my home life is hard as well. My parents were still fighting all the damn time. I immersed myself into video games and it helped alot. But the fights were starting to get serious at this point. There was one that i remember clearly. They were getting out of hand, throwing and breaking things, so my little sister came into my room crying. I calmed her down but then i heard my mom start to scream from the living room. That worried me and my little sister started to freak out again. I told her it was going to be alright and that i would go see if everything was ok. I opened my door and walked around the corner to the living room and my step dad had my mom in a chock hold and a knife to her neck. He looked at me and yelled to get back in my room so i did so immediately. It eventually died down because he left to go to a friends house like usual. Time went on hectic like that for some time until one summer when i wen't to go visit my family in New Orleans. When me and my little sister got off the plane to get driven home i felt something was wrong. There is always sort of a lingering heaviness when someone is holding onto bad news. We went to my uncles house instead of home and when i got inside i could feel the thick angst on the air. There were a lot of people there, almost like a party. And then we gathered everyone up in the living room for the news to be announced. my mother had died while i was away. My two cousins that were there and my little sister immediately burst into tiers and crying. Whoever, i knew for quite some time that she was going to die soon. I almost prepared myself mentally for the encounter. I ended up breaking and let out some tears so i went outside to gather myself. I wanted to be the one not to cry, the one that everyone could lean on and cry to. So i went back in with my new demeanor ready to face them and to my surprise i stopped caring. I lost the urge to cry altogether. The next year at school was rough. I moved back in with my grandma and attended the middle school there. I guess the thing to to that year was to add "your mom" to everything. That was horrible for me and i almost got into more fights, but i was able to keep my cool for the year and not lose it with anyone. Time passed seemingly effortless. And before i knew it i was in high school. Nothing to big happens here. I had a crush on a girl since seventh grade but get turned down pretty bad freshman year. I tired my luck with her again sometime sophomore year too. That ruined dating for me and i still don't try to make romantic relations anymore. Then i start smoking pot late freshman year, but not because i was depressed. I thought it was fun for a time, but that lost its charm and I went back my my online gaming. All this time the gaming helped keep me together. I got pretty good at Halo Reach for the Xbox 360 and it gave me some self worth (i ended up switching to computer gaming as of now). I ended up failing a bunch of classes and had to go to a credit retrial school. And here i am about to finish junior year. My problem is that i don't care about much anymore. I feel apathy for almost everything. I always say i'm just lazy but lately i have been questioning that. My friend from school was talking in my group about how i never come to school and he said something like "yeah, the difference between you and -john- is that john is lazy by choice, but your lazy by nature." That got me thinking really hard about why i just don't give a damn. I find myself thinking about concepts to big for myself to handle without any proper education. Like about personal morals and social standards. And I can't help but view myself as a psychopath sometimes. I don't even get fazed by these sick stories of people raping their own kids and drowning puppies in rivers. Every once in a while it gets to me but only briefly. I wonder where the person i was when everyone had hopes that i could be something went. That kind hearted, uplifting, energetic kid who was always smiling. I have become the vessel of lost memories and confused thoughts. My original intent with this post was to see if anyone could identify a mental problem or state i hold but now i'm not sure. People in my family have told me i seem depressed but i honestly don't know what depression is supposed to feel like. I got prescribed vyavanse to help me focus in school and they really help. I get this feeling of motivation that i lack when i'm off of them but when they wear off its like waking up from a good dream that you wanted to go on forever. I wish I knew what i wanted. i wish I knew what i need to do. I wish I had all the answers. I wish someone else had all the answers too. But the sad reality of this all is that it's unrealistic to hope that someone will be able to help me get away from the place i'm stuck in and change the way i am just based off this post. Don't get me wrong though, I appreciate any feed back. i would love to hear all of your opinions, and thank you for reading. ~TheLonelyReaper
  8. Hi, I dont know if this thread will be relevant or if a similar thread has been started. Anyway, Let me begin Well..its actually a very short um...story..if thats what everyone wants to call it... When i was 10 i was diagnosed with epilepsy when i passed out(fainted) after someone shone a mirror in my eyes. I am 17 now and i am tired of this epilepsy. I always seem to forget stuff.. a lot of stuff...well..i don't forget things like forgetting to park the car...but its like the incidents in my life, everyday incidents tend to act as walls for my memory...so if im happy and i put the pen in my pocket and something happens like someone trips or a friend laughs unexpectedly...i forget that the pencil is in my pocket. I haven't consulted a doctor about this. That is one of the problems, my other problem is that i feel like i have depression. I did an online test and this is my result. Major Depression = Very High Dysthymia = Slight-moderate Bipolar depression = very high cyclothymia = high-moderate Seasonal Affective Disorder = high-moderate postpartum depression = N/A (im a guy) *source = depressedtest.com I dont know what to do. im just sad..... Right now i am on medication for epilepsy. (TegriTal CR 200(Carbamazepine Extended Release Tablets IP 200 MG) What should i do. Please just tell me anything..any reply is considarable.
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