Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'self-hate'.
Found 4 results
I do not want to live anymore. There is just... there is nothing good in me. And I know that is what everyone thinks, but it is true. I am good at absolutely nothing in the world and.... I am no ever going to kill myself, but for some reason, I tried to (non-fatally) overdose on seratronin. Foolish, but I desperately wanted to not go to school
Years have past while I was searching for a society/forums/community, so I can speak about my highly personal tears during the day and night. first I am 19 years old, but before the famous reaction of "you're young and life ahead stuff" PLEASE people, my brain is old; I am extremely realist and know how life really is. maybe its easy there around you but not where I live; you won't imagine how everything is pain in the back here in a third world country; people are barbaric, air is contaminated and future not bright. Not sure of its authenticity but in a third world country penises are BIG not normally or within the ranges, really BIG. I came in contact with that with my first and only boyfriend or BRO or I don't know; I was only 10/11 years old and he was of the same age; however the first time I saw his part, something in me cried. I don't remember how I felt but I remember a question in my mind erupted inside me during this time: WHY?! why life? why god? why ma/dad? I returned home later and looked to myself in the mirror and punched it crying. I had a kind of sexual contact with every classmate at that time and realized that I am the smallest down there. the weirdest fact, actually ironic, is that I KNOW now about puberty and how different can two be in its stages despite similarity in age; I know the average size and so on; I know SO MUCH. what do you expect? for 8 years I am collecting info so I can stop crying; even though I know my penis size is above average; I couldn't stop crying and looking down to myself. could have porn really ruined me? I don't know but I watched lots of porn around 14 terabytes of them; I watched so much that I know almost all of their tricks and stereotypes; STILL I can't stop looking down to myself. I hate my body. I detest it; I never been good with girls generally; I never had a girlfriend; even though lots of girls had hit on me; my instant response is ditching them by acting cold and blunt; they don't know that the gigantic body they see is not as it seems; they don't know that my actual response is crying and that my bluntness is to let them hang with real men. by the way, yeah I tried to commit suicide more than once actually; I don't worth being alive anyway; I used to self-harm too. I later realized that suicide is not a solution; so I decided to keep living but I will never have sex and I will never spread my genes; if I did by accident I would kill myself and the baby; no one shall carry my worthless genes NOT even half of it. I feel like my brain snapped telling me: "you're trapped, you worthless pile of shit; there is no way to make your thing bigger and your genes fucks your metabolism even more, JUST live lonely and die cold" I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, may I go to my bed and never wake up again. something in me made me post this tho!
When I was in second grade I had my first lesbian experience. I am 13 now and I don't remember much of it other than the fact that I liked it. In the middle of 4th grade my friend had told me she had an experience like this as well. She kept hinting that maybe we should do it but I just told myself that if I did it again I would NEVER forgive myself. So I held my head up high and acted like I didnt know what she was hinting at. When I was in 4th or 5th grade I started to watch youtube lesbian porn.The only difference between this and regular porn is that you don't see as much. You see them get down to underwear and a bra and make out. It stops before you see anyone completely naked. It wasn't until the middle of 2010 that I finally told myself that what I was doing is wrong and that it wasn't something most kids my age did. It was hard to admit that to myself but I knew it was true. Ever since I was in 2nd grade and had that sexual experience I have had an extreme sexual urge which reminds me everyday of what I did. I tried convincing myself I am not a terrible person by saying things like " A terrible person wouldn't have made herself stop watching those videos" or " A terrible person wouldnt have stopped herself from reliving that moment again in 4th grade" but none of it worked. I pray for Gods forgiveness every night and yet I still have a feeling I haven't been forgiven yet. It has been a year and 6 months since I have watched one of the videos. I am in 7th grade now and I have had any new experiences. I now consider myself bi-sexual and I HATE who I am. I hate when my parents brag about me being the perfect daughter because I am not the perfect daughter. Perfect is a lot for a 13 year old to live up, to especially when you have a past like mine. If anyone has any ideas on how I can forgive myself you would really be helping me out. Thanks!