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Found 13 results

  1. AceAutie

    Losing Hope

    As time goes along I've been losing hope more and more. I can't work or do school due to mental illness and PTSD, so I've been working on trying to get better and be functional again. I briefly saw a glimmer of hope only for it to be crushed the moment I found out Trump was elected. I'd been on a gradual downward spiral for a long time, but once that came up... and I was refused disability for the third time, I just... stopped trying to hope. Mom does all she can to help me, bless her, but it's getting too hard to deal with my mind. I miss my sibling who's in inpatient. It's hard to care for myself, much less the two pets in the house (sibling's snake included). Mom comes to the house to help out, I do get help via an assistant from the government... But I'm running out of money. Mom can't support me out of her own pockets forever. And if Obama Care is gone... I don't know if I'll keep insurance when I turn 26 or whatever, or how long it will be till the next try for disability help. For all I know, that might even vanish in January when he's president. Cause fuck me for having mental illness AND relying on the government right?! I want to die just so I can stop my mind from spinning all the time. I'm sick of the tears. I'm sick of the fear of living and being unsure if I'll have enough food to eat, all the while dealing with a binge eating disorder. I miss getting things for myself instead of just scraping by. I'm just... so tired of constantly having to fight and fight when another hill crops up again anyway. I'm sick of the intrusive thoughts. I'm sick of hearing things that aren't there. I'm sick of worrying that one day I won't be able to see my therapist or have basic care. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to pretend to be okay. I don't want to work just to be abused again. I don't know how much more I can take. Goodwill was supposed to help me, but abused me. They don't care about me. They never did. I was just another tool they could toss away and belittle. I can't trust any company like that. I'm autistic, why would anyone want me alive when so many people would likely abort a kid like me if there was a test for autism? I don't feel loved. I don't feel wanted. I doubt anyone would miss me except my close family. The world doesn't understand that I'm a person too. I'm a living breathing autistic person, not a punching bag. I miss feeling safe in this world. How can I feel safe when the fucking soon to be pres still indorces Autism Speaks, a group who only cares about killing autism? How can I feel safe when he still endorces long disproven things about vaccines causing autism? What's next, is he gonna endorce autistics get shocked to fix them? I can't do this anymore. I just can't live in constant fear like this. Death is so appealing, but I can't seem to take the steps to finish it, instead it's just self harm and crying. I want to die but I want to live? I just wish my mind would decide already, whatever the choice is. I'm losing my fucking mind and it feels like the world wants me to die.
  2. >26 > Black Female > Lives with mom and siblings >Was in a five year relationship (engaged most throughout) with a abusive cheating dickhead who was lowkey racist and bigot >He broke it off with me two months after he threw a chair then hit me in my face > Stalked/Harrased me for Three years after the break up (recently his wife told me she wanted to kill me after she called me ugly this happen in January of this year ) > Even though its been about three going on four years i still haven fully recovered > I been having nightmares > been even more suicidal lately > Health been on a up and down yo-yo do to this >Tried reaching out to other sites like 7cups of tea and the suicide hotline BOTH HAS MADE ME EVEN MORE DEPRESSED! > Friends One moved to the south part of my state One i cant trust that well and the last has her own mental problems plus is hard to get in touch with > been dissociating feeling not real and not alive >Panic whenever i go outside longer than 20 min > Lost intrest in alot of things.
  3. I have no idea what to do!!!! I'm stuck inside my home and I have been for about two years, and im gaining weight and I hate myself and my family hate me and im so scared of the future and my mother is saying I'll go back to a mental hospital and I don't want to go back there!!! I'm only 15, and I'm going crazy!!! I don't know what to do!!!!!! [photo removed by a moderator - sorry; it could be triggering to some and also it's possibly better for you to stay anonymous here = not posting your picture]
  4. For the past few weeks things have been going downhill. I haven't been eating right, I'm hardly sleeping, all I want to do is lay down and do nothing. The last time everything was this bad I was in high school, and the things I did hurt not only me but those around me. I'm honestly terrified that I may need to commit myself, because that's the last thing I want. But I can't keep going like this... Talking to my friends, family, my husband, none of it helps. I don't know what to do anymore, and each passing day I get more and more scared...
  5. I suffer from OCD and depression as well. But I'm undergoing therapy and I'm here to hear you out if you need me.If I don't respond to you here, feel free to reach out to me at arnabco@gmail.com.
  6. I suffer from OCD and depression as well. But I'm undergoing therapy and I'm here to hear you out if you need me.If I don't respond to you here, feel free to reach out to me at arnabco@gmail.com.
  7. I am feeling immensely pressed and nervous because I cannot find a decent job.My aim is working abroad and it just doesn't seem to work out.Thus I feel constantly worried,tensed and stressed. My mother keeps repeating that I should find something abroad due to my education and also she strongly dislikes my boyfriend as she believes he holds me back (he doesn't really). Now my relationship is 2 years now and I can't say anything bad about it.I like all my SO features but recently because of all this stress I started over-thinking and over-analyzing it,always being afraid that its not perfect,not for me and that my mother may be right. I understand its my anxiety talking but can't do anything.And anxiety is getting really bad now. When we had an argument I felt slight relief in case my SO decided to break up because it would mean no more anxiety and no more struggling with myself (even though its a completely wrong thing to give up). I am just tired of anxiety,I wish things would work out soon and I would find a harmony with myself.For now I just wish someone would tell me the problems come from my head only so I stop worrying about things that are not even real and stop ruining my relationship.
  8. Hello everybody, My name is Martin. I'm a 25 year old man, living in the Netherlands. I've been struggling with myself since a very young age. Lately, I really feel the urge to tell my story to someone. That's what got me here. I grew up in a very happy family. I had the nicest childhood with lots of friends and laughter. Also not the ugliest child and friendly of heart so I was quite popular at school I guess. My parents were very loving towards me and my brother. Our dad had a pretty good job and we lived in a beautiful house. I didn't have the best "study-concentration", but I was very good in sports and all other kind of things, so nothing really to worry about. At the time I was a bit shy and clumpsy with girls, but that's like most boys I guess. Hah well, just like you read it, my youth was pretty awesome. But than I became older. At the age of, let's say 11, I noticed something was a bit different with me than with most boys in my class. After gymnastics, we all showered together and I noticed most of them slowly got pubic hair and a bigger penis. Well, that's were my problems begin. In the Netherlands, we first go to "basic school (till 12 years of age)", then "middle school (till 16/18 years of age)" and later "high school" or university. When I got in middle school, I already had some light panic attacks, but without the physical problems. My penis was still the size it was when I was a boy. It had not grown since my youth. But I was like 13 and was told at biology classes the average penis is fully grown at the age of 16/17. So at that point I still had hope. Ofcourse it was very hard (not my penis) at some times. Getting laughed at after football practice and the panic that comes from that. Being in the same class with some of those teammates, which led to some not-so-pleasant situations. And always the fear of being "discovered" for a larger public. So at that time, it was very hard for me to open up myself to anyone (girls in particular). I became more and more introverted. Don't misunderstand me, I still had a lot of friends (most of my childhood friends studied a higher class) and at times was quite happy. But I was always thinking about my body, day in and day out. So, after 4 years studying the lowest class, I easily graduated and tried the highest class. Most of my childhood friends were in the same class at that time, so that was great. But it became clear that class was a little to high for me, so I joined a middle class. Again, I joined some of my teammates, but not the despicable ones. And guess what, I even met a girl there. She was madly in love with me and that was likewise. I had then reached the age of 16. I still hadn't masturbated at that point. I suffered more and more light panic attacks, praying to everything my body would change. Ofcourse, nothing happened. But I was also very happy at the same time, having met that wonderful girl. She was also a bit of a shy one, but incredibly sexy. After we had a relationship for about 4 months, the moment was there. Before that point we hadn't really had intercourse except a little touching. So it happened and it was great. Although I couldn't last for longer than 20 seconds, my penis did grow a good bit. I had a relationship with her for a good 3 years. In the meantime, we both graduated middle school. It was one of the happiest times of my life, but also one of the saddest. I so depended on her, she really was my soul mate. So when she ended the relationship, I fell in a very deep hole. I already had become a bit depressed, smoking weed and stuff. Well, the next couple of years, I smoked a lot with my friends. My dad died in 2008, which was horrible for my mother. I might as well tell something about my mom. She is the nicest woman in the world. She has had a tough life so far. Her father died when she was 40 or so which led to my grandmother becoming a grumpy old lady. A couple of years later, her brother committed suicide. And then ofcourse my dad died. She has no real family anymore, except for my brother and me and I think she is very lonely. We don't really have a very talking relation, but we feel each other. For example, I can't remember her telling me she loves me, but I know she does. Still playing the role of a happy guy, I wasted half my life. Oh wait, let me tell you about the scariest panic attack I've had so far. This was a real life changer. At some point like 2 years ago (I knew already that most of my old friends knew of my secret, but that was kept behind my back.) I was sitting in the park with a lot of friends. Playing some football, I hear one of my best friend tell the whole group (a lot of new friends, including girls, were there too) about my secret. You couldn't believe how I felt that moment. Thinking about that moment, even now, just makes me sick. A week later, smoking a joint, I got this panic attack. A nearly fainted and had to throw up. That's the beginning of a new life for me. Since then, I always have this "belt" around my stomach. When I panic a bit to much, it will tighten so much it's hard for me to breathe. For a good half year, I couldn't control my heart. Many sleepless nights. But I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't tell my story, my secret. It's now 2 years later, I've controlled the panic a bit by drinking alcohol. I really don't know what to do. But I met a new girl a year ago and she is the best. I really love her so much and I really believe I have to tell her my story. I really am sick of it. I'm sick of it all. I want to write so much more but I can't. Thanks for listening in advance. I really hope there is someone out there that wants to talk with me. With kind regards, Martin
  9. Hi, well, my name is Anna, I'm 19 years old. And I need to talk about this because there's no one else I can talk to, they all freak out or ignore what I'm saying. Anyway, I've lived with health anxiety ever since I was very young, I could even say that it began ever since I can remember. I think it all began with the fact that I saw my grandmother leave, sick, and never came back. Since then I've ben afraid of death, which caused me many, many different problems. There was a point, when I was like 5, when I began to worry more about my health than any other time before (as if there were much time before that), I was so worried I would die in my sleep, and then I thought I had a brain tumor (which has been the most recurrent fear I've had), I remember checking my ears to see if there was any blood in them; then I would worry about concussions, and the list goes on and on, to the point where I couldn't function normally, I seriously don't understand what I did to get out of that. The point is, I did. I got into middle school, and that health anxiety had to go away because another type of anxiety came in, just general anxiety to be honest. I've never taken medication to help me out in my life, but I'm pretty sure it would've helped, and it would help now, a lot. My nails are don't exist anymore now. When I was in 8th grade, I got depressed for a while, it was hard, but I'd much rather have that now than what I'm having. Bad stuff began to happen in my social life and school life, like, everything was perfect in one moment and then it all fell through. On my last year of high school, I felt completely alone. Which led to me being very sad for a long period of time. I wasn't depressed, but I was sad, I'd cry every night and then I'd be alright in the morning, or at least I thought I was. Everything finally stopped when I finished high school, and college started. I was so busy with school, I didn't have time for my own thoughts. But I was very, very stressed out. In the summer of my first semester I was ok, until one night I decided that I needed to do a self breast exam, because I hadn't done one in a while and I thought it was the right thing to do. Just in case. By now I hadn't had a health anxiety situation in a long time, so I was worried I would find something but i wasn't freaking out. Until I did. I found a small lump on my left breast, I freaked out for weeks until I finally went to the doctor, she checked me out, then told me I needed to get an ultrasound, just in case. She didn't think it was something to worry about. I told my friends and family and they told me the same thing. So I finally calmed down, because they were right. But I spent three weeks freaking out, which was terrible. I nearly wasted my whole summer freaking out. Although it was nice finding it was nothing. Anyway, school began again and I forgot about it all. Until November arrived, and this is when all hell broke loose. My finals were about to begin, but I wasn't feeling stressed out, I just felt I had a lot of work in my hands. Truth is, this semester wasn't a fun one, many things happened and i wasn't feeling very comfortable at school, but I had managed to go all the way until the end, so I wasn't going to let it get to me. But I had to stop working out, and that was a bad thing because it has been a routine of mine for at least three years now, it didn't bother me, until I felt a small pain on my lower right side of the abdomen, where the appendix is. I always freak out about it, even though I have irritable bowel syndrome, thanks to all the anxiety. I don't know what made me freak out even more. I just couldn't help it, I really thought I was going to die. It lasted for a week or so, and then stopped, because I began to worry about many, many other things. First it was the fact that my doctor might have overlooked something on the ultrasound, and I did the worst I could've done which is look it up on google, and according to it, it was a possibility. Then I stopped worrying about it and began worrying about lumps on my head, and then it went back to my breasts, until I reached my ribs and found something slightly unusual, which felt like lumps over it (now it turns out they are muscle knots because of my sitting position and the stress, ugh), then that passed and I began the frantic search for lumps on my head, again, and I found none, but I did find that my head is weirdly shaped, which causes me to think that in fact I do have something. And that's the phase I'm in now. The lumps on the head, I'm slowly getting out of it, and I'm hoping it's the last one, but I'm still freaking out about it, and I don't know what else to do now. I want to go to the doctor to check me out, to tell me that either everything's fine or in fact there's something terribly wrong with me, which might just be me. I think I need help, as in professional mental health, because if stress is going to begin triggering this sort of "anxiety attacks" I'm just going to go mad. I don't know how I finished my finals, because there was a point where I would just be shaking out of fear and anxiety and stress. I just wanted to stop everything and sleep. Like I said, now I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm still not ok. So before I do go to the doctor, and then seek help, I wanted to get this out of my head because it's just about time. I just need someone to tell me I'm not crazy, I don't care about the ok or not ok, 'cause let's face it, life is what it is. When I and if I get sick, I will get sick, that's it. I just hate living in fear. I want to enjoy the holidays, and be happy, and calm, be able to sleep with the lights off. I don't want to be hyper aware of my body, and I want to be able to wear cute nail polish. Does anyone have any words of advice? Or just want to share their thoughts or experiences? That would help a lot. And if not, thanks for listening reading.
  10. Hi, I am a 17 year old and basically I am under a lot of stress...due to my studies and work.I was a working student since last 10 months...it was literally no play and all work...i would wake up and be at school at 8...get off and directly reach office at 2.30...then after a shift of listening to customers till 10.30...i would reach home by 11...and once i got home it was my mom whining about every least important thing in the world... every time i expressed how stressed out i am she would act like it's no issue...i mean i literally had a maximum of 8 hours to sleep,eat,bathe,study etc...it was like no one was realizing my efforts...neither at home,school or work...all this stress has been causing too much anger and since i cant express it...i just end up blowing up on people who don't deserve it...I've become grumpy for 24/7...all this is driving people away from...i'm left with no one...everything from family,friends and boyfriend is ruined...plus my parents don't even allow me to go out with friends...since i was always busy...there is a gap between me and my friends...plus i cant even hangout with them...i have NO FUN...i cant even remember the last time i enjoyed something...when i didn't feel lonely and on my own...when i didn't feel like a MESS!i see my friends partying and having fun whereas all i do is sit n feel miserable...whoever i talk to suggests that i talk to my parents openly...but that ain't a solution in my case...my parents don't get it and they will just regard it as some crazy tantrum I'm throwing to disregard their rules...talking is just going to invite more trouble...however just a week ago i lost my job too as i was unable to perform...I'm not busy now...but it feels like all the bottled up stress is killing me inside...i don't know how to deal with this...my friends,family,employers,boyfriend,teachers...no ones happy...I'm not happy...
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