Jump to content
Mental Support Community
Sign in to follow this  
DeppressedOwl

Everything hurts and I'm dying

Recommended Posts

I don’t know what these feelings are. I don’t understand the knot in my stomach, the wrenching of my gut and the waves of nausea racking my body. Each sob seems ripped apart from my soul and producing those sounds is already taking its toll on my vocal cords. Not what I want. Not what I need. I’ve got an important test tomorrow and I don’t seem to care. My best friend is not available and she lives in another continent. I’m seriously considering scratching my pain away and, with bloody nails and tattered wrists, sobbing and screaming into a pillow. Not that anyone would care if I scream in hurt and pain anyway. But I’m too much of a coward for that too. Too much of an empty shell. So I just try to pour it down in my writing, which might not even be good anymore since I have barely written a single sentence since my supposed “writer’s block” (which has lasted almost a year and a half so far). I hate what I’ve become. What I’ve done to myself. How in the seven hells has my life become this dependent on other’s opinions, I have no time for anyone’s shit, especially my own. Yet here I am, crying and suffering and swallowing my own vomit for basically nothing. And no one even cares. And it hurts to know that. It hurts despite me insisting it doesn’t affect me at all.

Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. I went to a counselor and she asked: what do YOU want? Not your parents, not your friends, not your teachers, YOU; what do you feel like doing?

I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. I kept thinking “oh well my parents want me to be a lawyer” and “everyone says I am a good writer so maybe I should be a journalist”. But I don’t even know anything anymore. I’m so tired but no amount of sleep seems enough anymore. I hate crying but that’s anything I seem capable of lately.

I am hungry and nauseous at the same time. Is that even possible? I feel so alone. I feel like no one cares. I am alone in this big city, in this big apartment. And I’ve made no friends. HA. I thought it would be over and dead after I graduated highschool. Now I’m stuck with fucking depression.

Why do I get attached so easily? I thought I was above that. Me, the one who bluffs about her lack of feelings, about her cold heart. Me, the one who claims that having romantic life or whatsoever is a waste of your freaking time. Nothing has even happened. He lives far away. This was NOT supposed to happen. Why does it hurt if he cares nothing at all anyway? I should care nothing about him. I thought I was above everything and, now, whoever is above must be having a laugh at me.

And hell, I even have a fucking rash on my left arm (which has nothing to do with this but it is itching like crazy and I’m crying while I’m scratching and writing and it’s just so ridiculous and this might just be a metaphor of my whole fucking life).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not seeing anyone right now. I went to my university's counselor and she diagnosed clinical deppression but told me she can't realy help me with it as these kinds of treatments are not included in the program. When I told my parents about this they brushed it off, they think I'm making stuff up to attract attention. And I'm really not. I really need help. I am so alone. I feel like I can't tell anyone about how I feel (which is why I joined this site on the first place).

Thanks for answering. Thanks for taking the time and effort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the forum, DepressedOwl. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. :( I hope you find writing here and expressing yourself to be helpful. I wish I had more insight and energy to offer ( I have been really sick for weeks) but please know we are here to listen.

Take care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not that anyone would care if I scream in hurt and pain anyway. And it hurts to know that. It hurts despite me insisting it doesn’t affect me at all.

[...]

Yet here I am, crying and suffering and swallowing my own vomit for basically nothing. And no one even cares.

We do care, Owl... I know it's a bit different than if you were with somebody in person who would sit with you and give you all the love and care you need. But in the meantime, we're here to "remind you" that such person may very likely come to your life and that even before it happens, you can get better.

I'm not an unrealistic optimist; I know healing your mind/soul (and body) when you have depression is hard, especially when you're living alone and without close friends. But isolating yourself and not feeling able to cope with the double-edged sword of attachments/intimacy (BTW, have you read about the Porcupine dilemma? Or here is a very short video explaining it, if you don't feel like reading. I really recommend it, mainly the video.) is, I think, probably one of the causes of your depression. You can get rid of both (isolation and depression).

Based on what I know, I would suggest you to seek psychotherapy (medication could be a complementary help - seeing a good psychiatrist would be important) which would help you to understand why you became how you are now, what are the roots of your problems, ... so that you wouldn't blame yourself harshly as you do now. It's probable that you'll find out that the "mechanics of relationships" in your family, during your childhood, was "the cause" or one of them, but you need to understand the processes (the natures of the influences) yourself, this sheer information won't help. (I should note that doing this doesn't lead to blaming your parents; the best way of healing is also a kind of reconciliation with the people who used to influence you badly - mainly if they weren't doing it willingly.)

I see that finding help is very hard for you :(. It's always terrible to see when much needed help (of any kind) isn't available due to financial / political / ... reasons. But I'd encourage you to do everything possible. For instance, your school counsellor should write a letter explaining to your parents (yet also respecting your privacy!) that you really do need professional help (out of the scope of her office). It doesn't matter what your parents think of you. They may be too uneducated about mental health, they may be very well unwilling to acknowledge their mistakes and/or to assume responsibility for your problems, but those are their problems, you shouldn't let them stop you from obtaining the help you need! You need a good professional more than keeping alive the illusory opinion of your parents that you're OK. They don't even need to believe you, but they should get an opinion of a professional about you and then let him/her treat you.

I can very much relate to some parts of what you describe, mainly:

But I’m too much of a coward for that too. Too much of an empty shell. So I just try to pour it down in my writing, which might not even be good anymore since I have barely written a single sentence since my supposed “writer’s block” (which has lasted almost a year and a half so far). I hate what I’ve become. What I’ve done to myself.

I thought it would be over and dead after I graduated highschool. Now I’m stuck with fucking depression.

However, do know you're not a coward, you just have the luck (like myself, too, BTW) of having (a part of) your self-preserving instinct strong enough to protect you from too much physical damage. It's very good, even if you don't feel it that way right now. Self-harm only causes additional problems; there are many people here who could tell you that :(.

I was in therapy for 2 years (since 2011) and it has helped me tremendously at that time (the antidepressant I took for 1,5 years very probably contributed to it). That's why I always recommend it. Before that, I used to be suicidal (never attempted) for about 13 years, not because of "bad" family, lack of friends or some other external reasons. I just hated myself too much and didn't have the will to live on this awful world. Therapy enabled me to become good to myself, be better in my relationships, ... and much more. But I can also relate to your situation because... now I would need therapy again and I can't afford it here (I live abroad for several years) and... I allowed my mental and physical state to deteriorate quite a lot during the past few years - hating now what I have done to myself. But enough about me.

I highlighted in bold the parts of your text where you present the biggest apparent problem (they may be many more hidden-ones, I know): Your struggle with close relationships, your painful ambivalence and confusion about your needs. There's a lot to read - for instance, about attachment styles - that you could find posted somewhere on this site or to google. Perhaps we'll post some links. Even though you're so depressed and reading (focusing) can be very difficult, I believe education about psychology can be a helpful tool on your way towards healing.

How in the seven hells has my life become this dependent on other’s opinions, I have no time for anyone’s shit, especially my own. Yet here I am, crying and suffering and swallowing my own vomit for basically nothing. And no one even cares.

We all are in some way or another influenced by others' opinions, but it's important to find a balance; the right place for them in your mental life. First of all: There are people who care about you, even though you can't meet one right now. We are here and new people will come into your life.

Why does it hurt if he cares nothing at all anyway? I should care nothing about him. I thought I was above everything and, now, whoever is above must be having a laugh at me.

Why, indeed? Because you're human and most of us are wired this way. There's no point in telling oneself "I shouldn't feel this, I should feel that" (I know; it's easy to write; I do it myself sometimes, too :o...).

Perhaps this question (why...?) merits a longer answer. What about: "Because he was my hope for a better life, for feeling loved, giving my love, enjoying life in a new way I hadn't considered possible, now he's gone and it feels like if all the hope was gone, too!"? Love is always also a matter of good luck and you haven't been lucky enough yet :(. But you can increase your chances by working on your healing, for instance... ;)

Another example of the problem and of your kind of denial:

And I’ve made no friends. HA. [...] Why do I get attached so easily? I thought I was above that.

Who am I? I don’t even know anymore. I went to a counselor and she asked: what do YOU want? Not your parents, not your friends, not your teachers, YOU; what do you feel like doing?

I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. I kept thinking “oh well my parents want me to be a lawyer” and “everyone says I am a good writer so maybe I should be a journalist”.

This is a very hard question for many of us (you can include me, I've been struggling with it, for different reasons, several years already)!! Please, don't feel like a failure because of not being able to answer it when she asked! Finding out "what you want" is "a Big Issue", it needs time. You need to get to know yourself better first.

BTW, you could perhaps watch this TED talk in this context:

http://www.ted.com/t...ne_true_calling

It's overly optimistic and oversimplifying, but the main idea / concept is useful and perhaps it's something that could help you to look at your "lack of true calling" in another light.

I'm sorry my post is so long. (It seems it has helped me to overcome my "kind of writer's block", too! So, thank you! ;) )

I hope it's not overwhelming...

Before I end: I have some medical concerns about your physical health, too. You wrote:

But I don’t even know anything anymore. I’m so tired but no amount of sleep seems enough anymore. I hate crying but that’s anything I seem capable of lately.

I don’t know what these feelings are. I don’t understand the knot in my stomach, the wrenching of my gut and the waves of nausea racking my body.

I am hungry and nauseous at the same time. Is that even possible?

I imagine it may all be due to depression only. But one cannot be sure. So, perhaps seeing a GP could be your first step - it's easier than to see a psychiatrist and it can be useful, too. You would, at least, see that you're able to "take a step forward". What do you think?

Take care and good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Owl,

Keep posting here and schedule regular appointments with your counselor.

I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes if you need your parents to take your disorder seriously, and for further help with your depression, you should consider being temporarily hospitalized in a psychiatric ward/hospital. There you will receive intense help for your illness.

I and the rest of us support you, we won't leave your side. Keep posting here regularly.

Do you have access to proper health insurance? Also, what country do you reside in? I ask this because you may be able to qualify for one or more public assistance programs if you meet the disability criteria, which you might considering your depression.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks a lot to everyone who has answered. Really. It has helped a lot to know that there is someone out there who is trying to help and is taking the time to answer this and comfort me somewhat.

I live in Peru. The medical system here is quite crappy, there is no insurance for the kind of problem I have (at least not that I'm aware of). English is not even my first language but this english-speaking community is the only place I have found help (which evidences how not even online communities here are helpful).

I am SO incredibly grateful for every comment here. Especially, I want to thank Lala. I want you to know that your post has been incredibly helpful in so many ways.

Now, I would like to also explain some of the more recent stuff that has been affecting me. I feel so ashamed that something so dumb could be one of the factors of my descent into darkness. I have dealt with deppression for over a year but some recent events have dragged me down even more. In the following paragraph I will detail somewhat what I mean when I say "I'm attached" and when I mention a "him".

First of all, it's important to point out that it's really hard for me to be able to open up and share with other people in general (BTW I did read the article and watched the video Lala recomended, I find it very interesting and it did help me have a better insight about some of my problems). For some stupid reason I was hoping that all my social problems and awkwardness would magically vanish once I went to university. Needless to say, they didn't. I realized that in university it's worse because you need to socialize. I felt alone, even more so than before, and especially because I am now living on my own, away from my parents. One day, everything sort of changed when I joined in an online role-playing game on facebook. People were friendly. I could be whoever I wanted. I felt needed. I felt ok. It seemed as if everyone wanted to be my friend and it was so new and exciting to me. Most of the people in the group were from other south american countries so I found myself sharing stuff with them I normally wouldn't (I think that the thought of them living far away influenced that). There was one guy especially, from another country. At first he annoyed me. He kept texting me and stuff but then I started to enjoy talking to him online. We became friends. We even exchanged phone numbers. I told him about the emotional problems I was having and he took it to heart to make me smile everyday (every morning, I would wake up to a nice text from him). Then, things sort of changed. We didn't talk as much anymore. He wouldn't answer my messages and texts for hours (when, before, he answered almost immediately). I had carelessly put everything else in my life on hold because of this game and the people I had met because of it. The highlight of my days had usually something to do with them. I would skip classes just to keep talking to them and playing. I began failing my tests and getting lower grades. I felt like I was giving everything to them and that was slowly taking a toll on me. One night, after an incident, it dawned on me just how much I cared about all of these people I had never even met. It's important to point out I have never had any romantic experience or whatsoever. So, when the guy I mentioned before started "flirting" with me at one point, I went along with it because I naively thought that it could do no harm to just play along. I convinced myself that I could never feel anything towards someone I had never even met. Big mistake, I realize now. Now I feel as if he got bored with me and thus he has stopped answering. I don't get it. I really don't understand what has happened. What angers me the most though is that I was so wrong! How could I get so involved and give someone else the power to hurt me that much?! I know it's dumb. I know it cannot possibly compare to the heartache one may feel after a breakup from a real relationship but this is my first experience on this front and it really does hurt me. It really does make me feel even worse than I felt before I joined the game. Now I feel even more alone and abandoned and lost and it's stupid, I know. Because, how could I expect someone to care for me and be so selfless? How could I allow someone to try and make me feel happy when I can't seem to stop destroying myself a little at a time? It's even worse when you have had a taste of it. A taste of how it feels like to belong, to be liked and valued and cared for (even if it was not genuine). I feel like I have accepted so much of their bullshit without protesting and they have taken so much from me and now they are leaving me behind. I just... I didn't need that in my life right now. Now I'm left to pick up the pieces of a life I've destroyed myself (this semester is almost unsalvageable) and I'm even more deppressed than before. And everything is my own fault, for getting too attached, for thinking that distance makes a difference.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your struggle with close relationships, your painful ambivalence and confusion about your needs. There's a lot to read - for instance, about attachment styles - that you could find posted somewhere on this site or to google. Perhaps we'll post some links. Even though you're so depressed and reading (focusing) can be very difficult, I believe education about psychology can be a helpful tool on your way towards healing.

First of all, thank you so much Lala. I discovered something new in every sentence you wrote. Thank you again for taking the time to answer and include links and stuff. I found this quite interesting and took the time to research attachment styles and relationship patterns and, sfter taking a couple of tests, it turns out I'm "fearful-avoidant". I read several articles about it and I do feel identified with most of the traits. I would like to know what this means/ how does it affect me. I think this is a huge component of my problem with people and I need to get over this. As I have explained in my post above (which turned out to be ridiculously long, I'm sorry) this experience of opening up to people went terribly wrong and I am worried it will accentuate the more "fearful" aspect of my attachment style.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is my personal favorite article about attachment styles. It helped me to understand myself and others in my life so much better.

http://www.couplescounselling4u.co.nz/conflict-styles.php

Maybe you might look to your online friendship to teach you about your needs within a relationship? How did your friend meet your needs? I'm sorry you were hurt by this. :(

Take care.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Owl,

It sounds like you feel very lonely, as well as hurt emotionally. You do currently attend a University? Many universities have clubs and groups with which other people with similar interests can congregate and get to know one another.

You mentioned that the healthcare system in Peru isn't all that great. Maybe you could check into it though, just to see. I hate to say this, but sometimes poor healthcare is better than no healthcare, especially when it comes to mental health.

I also recommend taking classes that you like and find interesting at college. I'm in college too, and it may take some time, but working towards a career which you love is truly priceless. Ask yourself what your interests are and what kind of field do you naturally gravitate towards.

I'm not trying to get you worried, but keep in mind that untreated depression doesn't solve itself. Rather, if it is untreated, it will continue to get worse. If you could get in to see a Psychiatrist and maybe get prescribed a mild typical anti-depressant, I think that this would be highly beneficial.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, Owl,

I'm very glad to see you've found our comments helpful :).

BTW; although it's not relevant here, I have to mention I admire your English! (It's a foreign language for me, too, I got better in it (written form, not spoken - I still struggle with that due to lack of practice) to a great extent thanks to this forum (because reading and listening only improves the understanding, but writing here made the difference).)

it's really hard for me to be able to open up and share with other people in general

You've done a good job here, sharing with us, Owl! It could be a promising start, couldn't it? ;)

I have dealt with depression for over a year but some recent events have dragged me down even more.

Was there something in particular that triggered your depression over a year ago?

For some stupid reason I was hoping that all my social problems and awkwardness would magically vanish once I went to university. Needless to say, they didn't. I realized that in university it's worse because you need to socialize. I felt alone, even more so than before

Well, yes: Problems usually don't vanish "magically", but... sometimes such a big change as entering university can make a big difference. (It reminds me of one member here, Andromeda (also from Europe, like me, but another country). I hope she won't mind me mentioning her here like this: She had been bullied at school and didn't have friends, but when she went to university, she got several good friends, for the first time. She does struggle a lot with the feeling of being a burden to them and not being worth of their friendship, so yes; she still carries a sad burden from the past, but... the change in the environment did allowed her to finally socialize, to make friends.)

So... maybe you could elaborate more about why this change didn't help you, what were the problems / fears / ... that prevented you from socializing.

One day, everything sort of changed when I joined in an online role-playing game on facebook.

It may sound weird, but I have to say I think you've been lucky, despite the bad side of the situation. You've been lucky because you joined and group of innocent game-players and not, for instance, a gang of gamblers / drug-abusers / criminals (who would initially appear "innocent" and appealing to you and then drag you down to a bad path). Many of youngsters in a situation similar to yours do that. I know that this membership led to several problems in your life - like neglecting learning - but... the same and worse problems would result from a different choice and facing them would be much more challenging. I see that your situation is causing you much distress and I think it's perfectly natural, but at the same time, I think it will be better if you realize that it's not "that bad" and your problems with school are something you are able to work out (you didn't loose the ability to learn and to think due to, for instance, a heavy substance abuse - you're only temporarily overwhelmed by emotions which distract you, but you'll be very probably be able to learn and do well at school again, hopefully soon!). Similarly, you'll be very probably able to work on your relationships! That will probably require more time, but it's still something you're able to change for better and your recent experiences and some new reading (/sources of information) can be helpful in the process.

People were friendly. I could be whoever I wanted. I felt needed. I felt ok. It seemed as if everyone wanted to be my friend and it was so new and exciting to me.

This is related to what "IrmaJean" mentioned:

[...] you might look to your online friendship to teach you about your needs within a relationship? How did your friend meet your needs?

My question would be: Why do you think you wouldn't be wanted, needed, OK, excited, ... among some of your fellow students? Why wouldn't they be friendly to you?

Do you have bad experiences or you've only always anticipated that it would be bad, so haven't even tried to socialize? Did you expect others to "do the job" (="socialize you") for you? But in the case of the on-line game, it was you who joined - you weren't passive. So you can join a group if you wish to.

I suspect it helped a lot that it was a "role-playing" game; didn't it? Did you feel much safer because you could hide your true identity? Or / and did you feel much safer because, as you mentioned, you supposed that "the distance" would protect you from emotional engagement? ... Now you know it can hurt even despite the distance. It hurts but it can be "sustained" and it will eventually pass. You could probably be less fearful of in-person-relationships when you'll see that you "can handle / survive" being hurt (abandoned / ...). That's also why it's important now to "work out" your current feelings and thoughts about this lost relationship.

Now I feel as if he got bored with me and thus he has stopped answering. I don't get it. I really don't understand what has happened.

You're right: You don't know what happened, you don't know why he stopped contacting and answering you. I know it's irritating and/or frustrating, but... you should accept you'll never know and your hypotheses "explaining it" will probably only make you feel worse (like that about he getting bored with you: now you could feel boring and uninteresting, although nothing really suggests it's true, it's only your imagination trying to find a reason for what happened!).

What angers me the most though is that I was so wrong! How could I get so involved and give someone else the power to hurt me that much?! I know it's dumb.

It's not dumb. You've been very inexperienced and didn't know what to expect, how to react, ... But we learn from experience and you can learn fro this, too. I just hope very much you won't take a wrong lesson from it. (As would be: avoiding any close relationship is the best.)

I recommend you very much these talks in this context:

It's even worse when you have had a taste of it. A taste of how it feels like to belong, to be liked and valued and cared for (even if it was not genuine).

It's "worse" because you feel hurt, deprived of something pleasant. But it's also "better" this way, because now you know what you can search for, now you may feel motivated (by the pleasant parts of the experience) to make changes in your life, make friends, ...

And... are you sure it was "not genuine"? What you described sounds pretty genuine to me. It was just different in some aspects from an "in person" relationship - it was, for instance, easier to end (yet some people do this "in person", too).

everything is my own fault, for getting too attached, for thinking that distance makes a difference.

How could have you known? And do you need to call it a fault?...

That's all from me today. I hope it makes some sense to you ;).

Take care!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Once again, thanks to everyone who has been supporting me through this. It really does mean a lot for someone like me, who feels alone all the time.

Now I'll clear up some aspects.

For starters, I don't even have an insurance; here, government forces everyone who is employed and recieves a salary to give a percentage of it to a private insurance company. Minors and unemployed people aren't obligated since they recieve no salary, which means we don't have an insurance. The govenment doesn't give free assistance at all. Essalud (the public healthcare) only works with people who are affiliated (pay another percentage of their salary). This is not a post about my government's crappy public service but I think you can get an idea of how unhelpful it is. Believe me when I say I have tried every way I can to get help when I realized my parents would never willingly get me the help I need. I am aware that untreated deppression gets worse over time, I've struggled with it for over a year. While at school, I talked to a close teacher of mine and she helped me as best as she could and, recently, I've gone to the University councelor who told me she couldn't really give me any specialized help since it's not what the university offers.

I am a person who, if seen superficially might seem confident and almost normal. I have become so good at pretending I'm fine that my resting face has a fake smile plastered to it (not really, it's not that exaggerated but you get the idea). My first semester in college I made some friends but, like I always do, I drove them away from me, I made them sick of me. This is something I hate about myself. Now that I have read a little about my attachment style I am able to comprehend it more. I used to hate myself and spend endless hours just mentally screaming and blaming myself for the loneliness. What you said about expecting people to socialize for me is true, I have become so scared of people that I don't talk to them unless I really need to. I have tried joining clubs (three) after my friends from the first semester stopped talking to me and have been rejected at all of them. These were really terrible blows to whatever small microscopic self esteem and confidence I had left. Needless to say, I haven't tried joining anything else.

I agree that joining the role-playing game has been a positive experience for me in many aspects. It was an escape from reality, from the terrible, lonely reality I'm stuck in. I found people who are real keepers, who are not as close to me but whom I have grown to really care about. These are the things that have helped me finally stop regretting everything.

Last year my deppression was triggered by several horrible events in my life. Last year was the worst year of my life in every aspect. A little background:

I attended a big-shot private school and was 1st place ever since second grade of elementary school. There was this one girl whose parents were really really important and had connections. The teachers would always show preference towards this girl and it was obvious. All of highschool I felt that anything I did would never be enough because all the praises were always for her. I literally was a model student: responsable, perfect grades, part of the student council, volunteered for extra work, did extra hours of cummunity service. I killed myself trying to be "perfect" and was exhausted. However, no matter how much I did no one noticed. No one. Not even my parents. They never congratulate me for my efforts, all they ever do is see the things I could improve. And they criticize, always criticize. At the end of the year, the school gave this girl I mentioned the Valedictorian, a special prize for "the best accumulated avarage in highscool" (even though I had been 1st place every year), the Star Student Award, the top athlete award, the community service award, and well a ton of other awards. I was destroyed. I had the stupid notion that maybe they would play fair this time, that maybe someone would at least recognize my efforts. In addition to that, I needed (at least) that Valedictorian to get a scholarship to a good foreign university and bail this country (not that I hate it but I can't stand another minute here). When they gave her the prizes my dreams shattered. That was when I knew I'd have to postpone everything, all my plans. Everything, everything I had worked for ALL MY LIFE.... it was just, I can't even find words to describe how destroyed I was. In addition to that, the problems at home got worse. My father was always violent, he always has been. He would hit me and my mom for no reason and he has a lot of problems:: he could be a normal, loving father one day and the next he would insult me and slap the crap out of me for no reason at all. One day around October it got so bad I had to call the police so he would leave me and my mom alone. I had ten minutes to pack all my school stuff and some clothes. Then I spent the following three weeks at a temporal motel until they got my father away from us. At the end he got away with no charges (he's a big-shot lawyer in the town) and we had to return to the house and he was still there. I had to spend every day of those last months of school (school here begins in March and ends in December) afraid of what could happen at any moment. You cannot even imagine my stress when studying for the finals. It was the worst time of my life. As if that was not enough I lost my best friend. He, out of the blue, confessed he was in love with me and asked me to be his girlfriend (this happened around late June). I was going through too much at the time, I couldn't afford a draining relationship with someone I didn't even see that way. He was a guy I had bonded with junior year because we were both loners. Now he appeared with this and I couldn't say no, I knew he would harm himself if I did so I agreed on a date. We went out and I just thought about it as any other outing we had had but, when he walked me home, he suddenly hugged and rubbed against me with a lot of force (almost emprisoned me) and wouldn't let go. I tried to take that as calmly as I could and not freak the hell out. When I finally got home my father somehow knew I had been out on a date and he was furious because I hadn't told him. Things got bad and when we had our July break I was forced to cut communication with my friend completely because I was afraid of both, what he had done and what could happen to him. After the break, he came back a completely different person. He was a part of the "cool" crowd, he wouldn't even acknowledge me and he spread nasty rumours about me. This got worse around the time my parents had the huge October fight. I had no one to talk to. No one. My best friend was gone forever and, in his place, there was this guy who was his polar opposite.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Im sorry that you are suffering now. I understand problems with medical system, because in my county problems are same . Thats why I never went to see therapist even if I needed( and sometimes still need ). My father is like yours sometimes he is nice and later he is so angry and different.

Its normal to feel disappointed that your parents didnt see everything that you accomplished and you didnt get prise that you deserved, but sometimes is not so important other people to see or understands. Its more important that you tried and gave everything you can. That makes you grow as a person.

Im sorry that you feel lonely. Loneliness is painful feeling. I didnt have friends in high school and I was always alone. I know depression is awful and even I have friends now in university still want sometimes they to leave me, because I feel I dont deserve them.

You may feel that things cant get better, but they can. :)

You can always write to me if you want

Take care

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Owl, there are online Cognitive-Behavioral health websites that can help with your depression. They are not as good as seeing a qualified therapist, but they are better than nothing and thus will help.

Check out this website and let me know what you think of it and if it helps:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey everyone.

As always, thanks for all the incredible support you always show.

I have had some time to think things through and do some career searching (because my career choice is one of the many things that, I feel, keep me stressed all the time). have been on final exams these past few weeks. It's been crazy, all the work and stuff but, for some reason, I have found myself procrastinating more and more. I know I should take this more seriously but the classes I'm taking, the career I'm being forced to study... is just not fullfilling, I feel like I'm wasting away. I hate waking up and dreading the classes I have to go to. College life shouldn't be like this. I have realized this might also be a great factor for my ongoing depression. Since I don't have the resources to find an specialist to treat me I am taking steps to heal myself. I hate all of this, I hate not even remembering what it felt like to be truly carefree and happy.

Thanks again for all of your answers, this site has been one of the reasons I decided to take the steps to just find myself and try to be happy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...