BPD

[astronautpeach]

Hello,

I have been on forums before but I usually drop off after a while out of fear of active rejection...

Anyway, I still could do with some support at the moment.

I was recently diagnosed with BPD, but I have been in therapy for severe mental issues since I was 16 (I am 24 now). This has so far included a couple of different day programmes, medication and support group, as well as one-on-one therapies and more physically motivated therapy.

As of last summer I have also had issues walking because a truck drove over my foot (which sounds about as painful as it was; I have had three surgeries since, spent four weeks in hospital and was unable to walk or move much at all for nearly three months). Before and over the summer I finally was ready to start and try to make friends, but because I have not been much fun lately as I've been stuck at home, my new friendships have dropped me.

Right now I am with my parents and I am not coping well. We have a lot of arguments and I wish I could go back to my own place, but they want to keep me here as much as possible, especially since the accident. They don't understand depression/anxiety/my emotions and think they are fantastic parents, but they have emotionally neglected me a lot over the past years.

I have forgotten what it's like to be happy, and I don't know what I want to do with my life except dying. Each time I get depressed (which is a lot, I have been free of the clinical diagnosis of depression maybe two months in this entire year, and I am never entirely symptom-free) the suicidal thoughts are getting worse.

I am currently at a place where I have been offered a new day programme. Because of my mental health I have been unable to complete an University course so far, and I will have to quit now as well (I have followed one single lesson after the accident because moving around is that difficult and my energy is at an all-time low so finishing the year is not an option anyway).

While the new therapy should offer me some hope, I am extremely wary of it as I've been through therapy before and these therapies have broken me down, rather than build me up. They were very focused on how I made the other people feel bad, and how I should not do this, so instead I've gotten used to making myself feel worse.

I don't know. I was not intending on making this a piece of complaints but I'm not sure if I want to talk about anything else, as my usual hobbies don't currently interest me.

x

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to our community, astronautpeach. I'm so sorry you are struggling. You have been through a great deal. I was recently sick from surgery complications. I was in the hospital for 6 days and it felt like forever. 4 weeks! My heart goes out to you. It's extremely difficult not being well and I feel this may have an effect on our mental health as well.

Would it be possible to make some contact with friends? The human connection could be helpful. I'm sorry your parents are not more supportive. Are you able to share one on one with a counselor in program? I hope therapy is more helpful to you than it has been in the past.

We are here to listen if sharing and expressing yourself is helpful. Wishing you peace and healing.

[astronautpeach]

Hi Irma Jean,

I should probably mention this... My accident involved a truck driving over my foot (this was my fault, I hadn't seen the vehicle), which meant it was absolutely crushed. While it's on the way of healing now, I have lost my little toe and the entire shape of it has permanently changed, which makes it quite confronting each time I take off my socks. I also don't know how much of my previous abilities I will regain; it's quite possible I will never be able to walk longer distances without being in pain. I used to be lazy but quite fit before, so this is a pretty big change.

I was in hospital for two weeks after the first surgery and not allowed to leave my bed as I had to keep my leg up high (it was very swollen and blue). During this time, the doctors were not sure if the front of my foot would survive at all because it was so badly damaged. This of course had a major impact on my psyche.

When I finally was allowed to keep my foot down for short times, I went to stay with my parents for four weeks (I was allowed to go to the toilet and go from a chair to my bed, but this was the full range of mobility I had; they did not want me to go out in a wheelchair either). After that I had recovered enough to undergo two more necessary surgeries, which included a skin transplant. So I guess you could definitely say it has been a very rough ride.

I agree with you on my physical condition definitely affecting my mental health. I am in very poor shape after three months of bed rest, and it is very hard to work up to the place where I was before; a walk of a mile (with crutches) is exhausting and leaves me unable to do much the rest of the day. Usually I need a couple of hours of sleep before I am functioning again. Sadly my mental health also affects my physical condition; I have a very bad and persistent outbreak of eczema on previously damaged skin and it does also affect how long I can stand up and walk around for.

I'm trying to get into contact with my friends but I've for a long time had the feeling that even when I hang out with people and they have invited me, I feel like I am too much and not wanted. This makes it very, very difficult to invite people over to my place; I could go visit them instead but I do know that the recuperation time would be much longer that way around and I also need to take care of myself (the basic household chores take up most of my energy most days).

I do however notice my energy level has drastically decreased over the past several months in which the depression has been getting worse.

I can talk with my counselors, yes, that is not an issue. It also does feel like support up to a certain point, but it's paid so it still feels different from sharing my worries and feelings with someone who is actually close to me...

Thank you for your welcoming message

x