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confusedboy16

I think I might have NPD

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I'm convinced I have NPD. I seem to match a lot of the criteria. To begin, I'm a 22 year old male who has been diagnosed with OCD and depression. But I don't think this is just my OCD. I think this is real.

I can be emotionally cold, I've never had any romantic relationship - though I have longed for one. I am preoccupied with fame, or achieving fame some how. I am incredibly fickle and I change my hobbies a lot. I have dropped out of university courses many times in the past, though I'm sticking to one at the moment. I have wish failure upon others before because I have been jealous of them. I seem to think I am more intelligent than other people. I do things so people will think highly of me - like reading highbrow books, newspapers, magazines, etc. I am incredibly insecure about how I look and appear. I have had weird obsessions in the past, like looking at famous people on Facebook and trying to befriend them. At times I feel I lack empathy. My uncle is currently dying of liver cancer and although I am sad, I feel emotionally cold and unable to express my feelings. I've never been fond of people cuddling me, though I do like it sometimes. I have stolen before and avoided taking responsibility. I have an addiction to buying books and DVDs.

I really don't want to be like this. I don't want to end up a bitter, friendless, lonely person. I'm even questioning my motif for posting this on here.

I'm also really worried about being a child abuser or some form of abuser. When I was younger I used to get urges to hurt my cousins and cats. I'd squeeze them and feel pleasure at their pain. I have a two year old niece and a 2 year old cousin and I'm really worried I might want to hurt them,  or control them. I hate these thoughts and feelings. It feels as if I like controlling others or having them fear me or something? I don't experience this all the time, it comes and goes.

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I remember you well, CB. I'm sorry things are still difficult for you. You are coping with OCD and that can bring up many different fears. Are you seeing a counselor or talking with someone who supports you?

I'm sorry about your uncle. :( You mention feeling emotionally cold, but you also mention feeling sad. Do you have a difficult time expressing your emotions? Maybe it isn't so much about being "cold" as it is about the challenge of expressing to others what is in your heart? I don't know if that fits for you or not.

Do you enjoy any activity that helps to clear your mind? That can look very different for each individual. I enjoy writing and spending time in nature. I find it helps bring me into the present moment. What do you enjoy, CB?

It's good to hear from you. I hope you feel better. Take care.

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10 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

I remember you well, CB. I'm sorry things are still difficult for you. You are coping with OCD and that can bring up many different fears. Are you seeing a counselor or talking with someone who supports you?

I'm sorry about your uncle. :( You mention feeling emotionally cold, but you also mention feeling sad. Do you have a difficult time expressing your emotions? Maybe it isn't so much about being "cold" as it is about the challenge of expressing to others what is in your heart? I don't know if that fits for you or not.

Do you enjoy any activity that helps to clear your mind? That can look very different for each individual. I enjoy writing and spending time in nature. I find it helps bring me into the present moment. What do you enjoy, CB?

It's good to hear from you. I hope you feel better. Take care.

It's a long time since I last posted on here. I remember you well too. Thing is, I'm not sure this is just OCD. I think I genuinely lack empathy but I don't want to live a life without caring for people. I was seeing a therapist but I stopped going because I wasn't seeing any benefits. I've just started a new medication too.

I do have a difficult time expressing my emotions, yes. I go through long periods of not really feeling much at all.

I enjoy photography. I'm not really interested in taking pictures at the moment though. I just want to sleep and forget myself.

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17 hours ago, confusedboy16 said:

I hate these thoughts and feelings. It feels as if I like controlling others or having them fear me or something? I don't experience this all the time, it comes and goes.

I just wondered if you had tried to keep a diary, even if it was just a couple of sentences a day, to see if there is anything that is triggering these thoughts and feelings? Maybe writing down a goal to do something kind for someone as part of it could help you challenge the thoughts as well.

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2 hours ago, jazz said:

I just wondered if you had tried to keep a diary, even if it was just a couple of sentences a day, to see if there is anything that is triggering these thoughts and feelings? Maybe writing down a goal to do something kind for someone as part of it could help you challenge the thoughts as well.

Hi Jazz. I have done in the past but it always seems to become egotistical, like writing it so it can be of use if I ever become famous. My goals are far to ambitious I think.

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23 hours ago, confusedboy16 said:

  My goals are far to ambitious I think.

There is nothing wrong with ambitious goals at 22 - you just may need a plan b or even plan c. Well done for sticking with the university course despite the OCD and depression.

I don't think you are the only one preoccupied with achieving fame either, there is such a celebrity culture now. I stumbled on this article about that:

https://www.consumeraffairs.com/news/why-are-young-people-so-obsessed-with-becoming-famous-012113.html

 

 

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On 12/04/2016 at 9:51 PM, jazz said:

There is nothing wrong with ambitious goals at 22 - you just may need a plan b or even plan c. Well done for sticking with the university course despite the OCD and depression.

I don't think you are the only one preoccupied with achieving fame either, there is such a celebrity culture now. I stumbled on this article about that:

https://www.consumeraffairs.com/news/why-are-young-people-so-obsessed-with-becoming-famous-012113.html

 

 

 

There is something wrong when those ambitions and goals become all consuming though, or pathological. Like, I'm sure this can't just be my OCD. Why the need to be better than others, to seem them fail, to enjoy them failing? I don't want to be like this, I really don't want to have NPD but I fear it's true.

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You are questioning yourself and your behaviors, feelings and motives, though, CB and that in and of itself doesn't seem narcissistic to me. I am no expert in personality disorders, though.

Are your concerns and fears about this becoming intrusive? Maybe it helps to go outside and take a walk? That's always good healing medicine for me. If you continue to feel concerned, maybe you could consult with your doctor?

I hope you feel better.

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16 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

You are questioning yourself and your behaviors, feelings and motives, though, CB and that in and of itself doesn't seem narcissistic to me. I am no expert in personality disorders, though.

Are your concerns and fears about this becoming intrusive? Maybe it helps to go outside and take a walk? That's always good healing medicine for me. If you continue to feel concerned, maybe you could consult with your doctor?

I hope you feel better.

But it seems that so much of my existence is wrapped up around gaining some form of attention and putting others down. Not that I intentionally go out of my way to belittle people, but I do do so (in my mind at least). It seems I have a pathological need to be the best - which I am not, of course I'm not, but my mind cannot comprehend that.

I feel so exhausted at the moment. I went to A&E earlier and saw the crisis team. I am not being referred for CBT or psychotherapy but that won't be for a week weeks or months. At the moment I'm living in total nothingness. I have cried a few times but it all feels fake. I even wanted to make myself cry when I saw the crisis team to show how low I am. I feel like a narc in denial.

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On ‎15‎/‎04‎/‎2016 at 4:26 AM, confusedboy16 said:

But it seems that so much of my existence is wrapped up around gaining some form of attention and putting others down. Not that I intentionally go out of my way to belittle people, but I do do so (in my mind at least). It seems I have a pathological need to be the best - which I am not, of course I'm not, but my mind cannot comprehend that.

I feel so exhausted at the moment. I went to A&E earlier and saw the crisis team. I am not being referred for CBT or psychotherapy but that won't be for a week weeks or months. At the moment I'm living in total nothingness. I have cried a few times but it all feels fake. I even wanted to make myself cry when I saw the crisis team to show how low I am. I feel like a narc in denial.

Sorry that you ended up at A&E. As IrmaJean says, you sound very aware and reflective for a 'narc in denial.' I wonder how much of how you are feeling is the depression on top of the OCD? I know that when I was severely depressed I was really jealous of everyone who seemed to be doing better than me. It was a very painful time. It took a lot of sessions with a psychologist to untangle that a bit and get to what the psychologist referred to as a more 'normal' level of comparison/competitiveness.

I just think associating yourself with the label of NPD may be premature, but talking it over with a professional may help.

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