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Basil

How to stop being too nice (Yes Man)

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Hello,

This will be my second post and forum is full of great beautiful people. I hope someone can give me some advice.

Im currently stuck in a situation.

I moved to Japan and I needed a job so I hastely found a job at an Izakaya (Japanese Bar). It is a very high paced job and the co-workers all smoke, gamble, and play video games. I have little to no interest in those so I can't keep up with their conversation. The people are nice but I couldn't enjoy the job.

After only one week of working, my ingrown fingernail got worst and I needed surgery. I've been off work ever since (over two months of not working).

The manager is desperately in need of people, and there's no applications since myself. So they would rather wait for me to recover (which will take many more weeks to come), than to let me go.

At the same time, a person I know owns a Jazz Club and he is also desperately in need of workers. He wants me to work there since I have a passion for Jazz, andhe tells me I should just quit my current job.

I went to go talk to my manager today and explained the situation and he seemed very unpleased. I hate letting people down.

I know I became a yes-man because growing up I wasn't very liked, even the people I would call friends would leave me to go with other friends, and I've always felt like a big tumor to everyone. So I started to cater to other peoples needs at my own expense. People love me now, but Im just exausted and I can't even quit my job because I dont want to be a burden on them.

It even has been affecting my relationships negatively too.

Does anyone have any clue on how I should change my mentality?

or

Does anyone have any past experiences similar to mine?

 

Thank you so much for your time.

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Hi, Basil, and welcome to our community. :)

I have had some trouble with this myself in the past and, at times, I still do. I think it's about self care and being okay with who we are from within and not always needing the approval of others. I have tried over the years to become more attuned to my needs and to take better care of myself, to shine as the person I am. So, in time, my internal dialogue has also changed. This life is our own to live, and I think it's okay to do what is best for ourselves and to reach for what we want and need.

I think our interests and passions can be a source of joy when we connect with them and embrace that part of ourselves. It sounds as though music is very important to you and you would like to follow that path. A job at a jazz club sounds wonderful for you. I think that music can be soul soothing and healing. I hope you decide to do what is best for yourself.

I can see how sacrificing your own needs for others could negatively affect your relationships. I like to give as well, but I realize now that I can only give what I have to offer and that I best give to others when my own needs have already been met. Also, I have come to realize that, although I do always hope to be liked, if I'm not freely being myself, there isn't much point to it anyway. I can only be me and I am okay, just as I am. To feel that and connect with it, for me, has felt freeing.

I wish you well, Basil.  I hope you will listen to your needs and shine as the person you are. Take care.

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9 hours ago, Basil said:

 

I hate letting people down.

 

Sometimes it's better than letting yourself down though. I agree with IrmaJean, it's so important to self care and be considerate of your own needs as well as those of other people. I've found as well that if you set fair boundaries you tend to get respected more too.

There is such a difference between putting in some extra work to help the team and getting too much work piled on because it is hard to say no - I used to work shifts in one job and there was quite a bit of pressure to do extra hours. Saying no when it was too much became easier with practice, it's a bit uncomfortable to start with but I think leads to better treatment in the end.

 

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The thing that is concerning me is the fact that I said "I'm willing to work hard and full time" when I applied, and one week later I stop working for over a month and then I say "Good luck guys! I'm out!" knowing the workers there are worked up to 13hours a day because of the lack of people.

I've considered working part time at both, but i would assume that would wear me out quite a bit...

I guess I have to embrace the fact that it isn't my problem despite how hard it is for me..

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Hi,

I've been thinking about this, and I feel like I should at least work part-time at both until they find someone new, or until I can't continue. I would be able to work at the Jazz Club, and also the place I work at would get a little help.

...but I fear I will be wearing myself out even more? Is this also considering being "too" nice?:(

 

PS:Thank you so much for taking your time in responding. You are all amazing people and deserve the best!! :)

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I think it would be courteous for you to give your former employer 2 weeks to find additional help, but not to work to the point of overextending yourself. You know yourself best and what is best for you.  I wish you good emotional health and I hope your new job goes well!

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3 hours ago, Basil said:

Hi,

I've been thinking about this, and I feel like I should at least work part-time at both until they find someone new, or until I can't continue. I would be able to work at the Jazz Club, and also the place I work at would get a little help.

...but I fear I will be wearing myself out even more? Is this also considering being "too" nice?:(

 

Working both jobs is an option, but I would say don't do it if it is just because you are feeling guilty about the situation at the Izakaya. This is partly because if you like working at the jazz club you may soon want to leave the other job anyway i.e. it's delaying the inevitable. Also, as you have been unwell you may need all your energy to impress at the new job especially to begin with. Just my opinion though.

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Thank you for the many kind words IrmaJean and Jazz.

I went to the doctors today and it seems I am still unable to work for a few more weeks. 

I think I will tell my manager that I will go work at the Jazz Club, but I am willing to work part time until they find someone new, or until I feel the need to quit..

I hope Im not insane for doing this.

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Just as I was about to send the manager a message, my mother's boyfriend told me that any human being would feel bad for for quitting in my situation.

He told me to work both jobs and quit after a few months...

I dont know whats right and wrong anymore... :image:

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18 minutes ago, Basil said:

Just as I was about to send the manager a message, my mother's boyfriend told me that any human being would feel bad for for quitting in my situation.

He told me to work both jobs and quit after a few months...

I dont know whats right and wrong anymore... :image:

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Maybe you need a little more time to make the decision? It's not your fault that you had to take time off work for health reasons and then this other opportunity came up. Plus, maybe there's a reason why no one has applied to work at the bar?

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Hello.

My sincere apologies for my late response.

I sent a message to my manager which he ignored for three days, so I went in yesterday to drop off my uniform. I was successfully able to quit.

I very much appreciate all the support to both IrmaJean and Jazz and you two are both amazing people and definitely deserve the best of the best.

My best wishes to you both :)

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