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AshleyB

Anxiety depression I can't live like this any more

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I started cutting myself over a year ago and had quit for some time but now I'm doing it again. I can't stop myself even if I think about how I don't want to do it anymore. Ever since I moved to college I have been getting more and more depressed and my anxiety has been getting worse. I've tried to reach out to my school's counsellors system but they never return any of my calls and don't seem to care. A few weeks ago I was raped and that made everything so much worse. I haven't gone to any of my classes in a long time and I feel like I just want to take at least a semester off to just cool off for a little by and decide what to do next but I don't know what's will happen to my gpa and I'm freaked out about that. I've never thought of suicide until just this past week and the only thing that's keeping me from really hurting myself are my cats. They've been through everything with me and I've had them for almost 14 years I couldn't bear to think of leaving them all on their own. They honestly mean more to my than my own family. Tonight I've been having panic attacks non stop and I'm trying to convince myself to not self harm anymore but it's really hard not to. I'm scared because trump is our president and the house and senate and everything is all republican. Im disabled a woman and gay and I am honestly fearful for my life and all I see are all these disgusting racists homophobic islamaphobic people happy about trump winning and I don't want to be here anymore. I can't take it. I am so scared. 

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Hi AshleyB,

Sorry you're feeling so bad.  It is unfortunate that your school's counsellors don't seem to be helping.  Perhaps they are overloaded.  The fact that Trump won simply means that there are a lot of angry and depressed people out there.  Is there another support system you can turn to?  (or you may find this site helpful).  Keep in mind, the press focusses on colourful people.  They are not going to turn their cameras on the many millions of people in your country who are tolerant.  For some reason we seem to be drawn to things that will shock us.  I think for your mental health, you might want to stop reading about Trump for a while, or anything negative for that matter, and just focus on your priorities and what will make you happy.  Seek out the kind of people who will lift you up, not tear you down.

You CAN get over the cutting habit...and eventually over the urge (I did).  The trick to stopping cutting was to find 1) the motivation (reasons to stop) and 2) a healthy alternative for coping.  If the motivation is your cats, that's great...keep thinking about them, how much love you have for each other, how great they are.  If they are near you when you get the urge to cut, go to them, do something for them, pet them, feed them something special, brush them, anything.  For me, if I could interrupt the urge long enough (usually less than 10 minutes), then I won.  As to a healthy alternative, here's one:  There is a mindfulness app called 'Headspace' that you might find helpful.  They have a free 10 session package that you can listen to to see if that helps calm you down enough that you can start thinking clearly.  If you decide to try it out, first use it when you are relatively calm.  The effects are gradual, but it is so much better to have a clear head working for you than a highly agitated one working against you.

Take care of yourself.

 

 

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Hello, Ashley, welcome!

I can only agree with Athena and I'm very glad she also shared her own experiences and hints with you! I hope so much it will be helpful to you! 

8 hours ago, AshleyB said:

I've tried to reach out to my school's counsellors system but they never return any of my calls and don't seem to care.

Couldn't you try to go there in person? There probably is a problem (overload, lack of staff, or something different); I wouldn't suppose they "don't care". It's important to find some professional help and school's counselling services are a good first choice; don't give up trying to reach them...

 

8 hours ago, AshleyB said:

I haven't gone to any of my classes in a long time and I feel like I just want to take at least a semester off to just cool off for a little by and decide what to do next but I don't know what's will happen to my gpa and I'm freaked out about that.

it's good that you take care about your needs and if you need this semester off, just do it and try to find ways how to make the impacts minimal. You're freaked out because of uncertainty, it's natural. How could you calm? I suppose finding out the facts asap would be helpful: You're not the first or the last to take a semester of because of mental health issues, so there are certainly ways how to assure something like a smooth course / progression of things. I imagine you'd need to have a professional assessment to show you have a medical / serious psychological reason to this decision. This could be an additional motivation to seek professional help more intensively. I really believe talking about the rape and its consequences with a counsellor or a therapist would do you a lot of good, although at the moment, it might seem impossible to talk about it at all.

9 hours ago, AshleyB said:

I'm scared because trump is our president and the house and senate and everything is all republican. Im disabled a woman and gay and I am honestly fearful for my life and all I see are all these disgusting racists homophobic islamaphobic people happy about trump winning and I don't want to be here anymore

I totally agree with Athena and, moreover, those people has always been there, now you just see them more and they're celebrating, so very loud and riotous, but this doesn't directly impact your life, does it? I've also been very disgusted by Trump and his supporters and I can see it's got to be very unpleasant to see such a person as the president. But, BTW, have a listen to the speeches Barak Obama and Hilary Clinton gave today; there was a lot of positive thoughts - I think it's something we all need to listen to in such confusing times. 

Why exactly do you suppose your life is threatened now? (Don't forget; all the people have already been here and they are a minority; most Americans are still tolerant enough and not dangerous.)

Take care and keep posting!

 

 

 

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