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Like the title suggests, I'm a mess. And I'm not doing very well.

I've been fighting with my generalized anxiety and depression for 10 years, but was diagnosed 3 years ago. 

I'm a university student -taking my sweet time but I'm doing it- and I was with a man I was sure I'd marry. I was medicated. I thought I was doing alright. Certainly not great, but I was managing. I would have panic attacks for no apparent reason, I didn't particularly want to get out of bed, but I was still doing relatively okay. I hadn't hurt myself in over 5 years. 

Side note : I have severe tinnitus. There is a ringing in my ears, 24/7 and I have not habituated even though it has been my constant, aggravating companion for the majority of my life. Essentially, my anxiety and depression makes me want to be alone, but the silence that comes with it drives me insane, because I don't get to have silence.  Ever. It's been documented that people have commit suicide from the unbearable ringing. And a lot of days, I totally get it.

Back on track. After 5 and a half years, he dumped me. Out of nowhere. To figure out "who he is". His Quarter Life Crisis sent me reeling. I went through most of my teenage years never expecting to let myself live long enough having a future. With him, I had come to want one. We had plans. For our house, our pets, our kids. And it was gone. To add insult to injury, my baby sister and her boyfriend are talking engagement. 

I lost all my friends eons ago. I have my family, but my sister is self absorbed, my father has no patience for anyone and turns any sort of complaint into a competition for who is suffering more  and my mom is under the verge of collapse from stress. They're there, but either not in the capacity that I need, or have so much that I'm unwilling to burden them any more.

I'm off my medication. After he dumped me, the misery of withdrawal was nothing. I feel the same off or on it anyways.

I don't want to kill myself. I just hope that I won't wake up in the morning. Or that tomorrow I'll be diagnosed with something terminal. I hate myself for thinking that because I know people in those situations that would give anything to live. But I would trade them if I could.

Anyways, if you actually read this, I'm thankful that you took the time, and ashamed that I made you waste it on me.

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Welcome, Biohazard. I hear that you are struggling and that you have a lot to cope with in your life. :( You express yourself well and you have good awareness, which I think can be helpful. I'm sorry for all that you have been through.

Is there anything that can be done medically to help with the tinnitus? Have you ever tried using imagery to help you find a quiet space within the noise? Or possibly incorporate the sound within the imagery? I don't know if any of that could help...I can't imagine what you must be going through with this. :(

Loss is always so hard...Do you have anyone to share with who can support you through this? From what you've written it sounds as though your family isn't available to you in the way you need at this time. Do you see a therapist or counselor? I find sharing and writing helps me through the difficult times after a loss. We are here to listen too.

Are there any opportunities to socialize at university? I hope you are able to take some time to breathe and nurture yourself, do things that are enjoyable and fun. Maybe you can make some new connections too.

Supporting others is never a waste of time for me. It's good that you reached out.

Take care.

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Hello Irma. Thank you for responding.

Tinnitus is a bit of a medical mystery for those like me where it has no source (a loud noise such as an explosion). Unfortunately, treatment options are limited to drowning it out with white or pink noise. It is incurable at this time.

I am painfully self aware when it comes to my mental health problems. Knowing that your feelings are often irrational does not change those feelings unfortunately.

I saw a therapist once and she was extraordinarily unhelpful and I'm afraid that experience has coloured my opinion on the whole practice.

I was also in a car accident earlier this year where I was run off the highway into a concrete median. So, I also have extra anxiety while driving now - yay me.

This is the most I've talked about myself in a long time.

Thank you. 

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It must be extremely challenging to have an ongoing health issue that has no known cure. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. :(

I'm sorry your therapist was not helpful and could not support you in the way that you needed.

Thoughts can be irrational at times...that happens to me too...and thoughts can lead to feelings. One thing I try to do with awareness is to use this as a way to listen to my needs. If I become aware of a feeling of fear, for instance, rather than judge myself harshly or try to push away the fear, I try to take care of myself through it...as I would for a friend who felt something similar. How is your self-talk? I hope you can be gentle with yourself and your feelings.

You were run off the road, wow. That is scary. :( I think any of us would likely feel extra anxiety after going through an experience like that.

I'm grateful to be here and listen, Biohazard. Care to you.
 

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I am far more gentle with others than I am with myself. My internal voice is a nasty SOB.

When it comes to my relationship falling apart, people seem to expect me to get over it. "You weren't living together yet". But I have only just come to the anger stage of grieving, knowing that he could have treated me better, but believing I don't deserve it either.

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It often seems much easier to be kind and compassionate with others than it does with ourselves, doesn't it? :( Are you able to breathe some space between your inner voice's words and yourself?  That way you possibly begin to observe and witness rather than allow those words/feelings to beat you down, hopefully. 

I struggle with loss myself. I'm sorry others have been minimizing the experience you are going through. Each of us has our own way of coping with loss and learning to adjust after loss, I think. I hope you will listen to your needs through this, allow your feelings, and care for yourself. I'm sorry for your loss.

Healing wishes.

 

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