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LaBlocFan

I'm afraid I might actually be a pedo, and I fear that it might not be OCD

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I tried to type this before but it ended up taking almost four hours to write it down. By the time I clicked submit, the website log me out for inactivity. That being said, I don't think I'll post everything I want to say at one time.

To preface, I have never sexually touched a child. I do have these sexualized visions of children and also this thing that I people online call a groinal response, it's not an erection.

I remember I had this intrusive thought of my neighbor who was 2 years younger than me when I was a sophomore in high school.

Then I went into a locked psychiatric unit for suicidal thoughts and behaviors (I held a knife at vital places of my body.) During that time there, I was talking to the psych I was assigned to. Something in the conversation led to an intrusive thought of a child. I told the psych later about it and I told her I was aroused. At that point, I didn't know about the groinal response. I told her that I felt like a monster. She looked at me and said she didn't see me as a monster or a pedo.

I felt like the thoughts would be gone after I told somebody, and for a while they didn't bother me. Then started masturbating again after four months of abstinence. I was very disappointed when did since I told the psych that I had quit. For a while, it was awesome. Then the visions entered my mind, again. Once I was jerking off and when I was right about to climax, the woman I saw in my head took on a child-ish appearance. And I climaxed. I said to myself, "What the fucking shit!!" I was mortified. But the thing is, I kinda brushed it off because the image appeared when it was too late and I was already in full motion. Aka I came because of the woman, not because of what she turned into.

Not to long afterwards, I started cutting. I thought that if I couldn't drink or smoke, I might as well cut. I saw that a lot of people cut, so why not me. Then I took another trip to the hospital. I cut partially so I could get in and escape life, to be honest. I started talking to my assigned psych, who was a different person than my visit to the psych unit before. We talked and I told him that I had these visions. He told me that there were cases where people had intrusive, sexual thoughts of children. Later, I was in my room resting and ruminating. Then I had an erection and a kid showed up. I wondered if I had that erection because of the kid. I'm not sure. I told the psych and he didn't seem convinced that I was a pedo. He determined that I have OCD and I was having an obsessive crisis, when someone can’t block out intense intrusive thoughts, in layman’s terms. He said the he wanted to contact a colleague who specializes in the psychology of pedophilia and have them see determine if I'm a pedo or not. SPOILER ALERT: IT NEVER HAPPENED.

After I was discharged, I started masturbating again. The same thing that happened before happened again, but I think I enjoyed it. Looked like a fourteen year old. It didn’t fuck me up as bad I thought it would, which fucked me up even more. That’s been happening a lot lately. I been having flashes of children in my head while I wank. I stop for a second, ask God to remove it, and then go at it again. Rinse and repeat. I have a problem with masturbating. I can’t stop until I climax. Well, I can but it’s ridiculously difficult.

I’m taking a break, but I’m not done writing yet. I still have some things to say.

 

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Hello, LaBlockFan, welcome! :) 

I don't have much time to write now, sorry. But I could at least share a  link: Do you know this website www.virped.org? There you probably could get more valuable feedback and info than here. But feel free to stay here and share also the rest of what you'd like to write!

Good luck!

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Don't know if you're still about in the forum, but I once got told a great tip for unwanted thoughts by a Buddhist monk. He said imagine your thoughts are like the tide of the ocean lapping the shores of your mind. You're not responsible for the waves, they come in and out all day long whether you want them to or not. But you are responsible for trapping the waves in a cave causing a great swell and transforming passing thoughts into personality attributes. The great thing is, you can always let the the thought go back out with the tide, back out into the ether of the thought ocean. I hope you're doing ok ☮

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The Guest House 

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi

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Not getting any better. One hospitalization later and I'm still I was, if not a couple hundred steps back. I am, as usual, caught between a rock and a hard/sharp place. But I can't imagine being anywhere else, most of the time. I could have had anything else, like schizophrenia or fucking anything else. My parent's and other members of my family feel sorry for me. I'm in their prayers and stuff. If they new of the shit that goes on in my head, they'd want to kick me into that pit and yell "THIS IS SPARTA!!"

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Welcome back! I'm glad you returned to post some "update". 

Would you share more about the hospitalization? What did doctors tell you, how did they try to help? Can you tell why it didn't help?

2 hours ago, LaBlocFan said:

My parent's and other members of my family feel sorry for me. I'm in their prayers and stuff

You're lucky to have a supportive family. I see you can't "(consciously) benefit from it", so far, but... I hope you'll realize, sooner or later, that this is much better than having a "bad" family or "nobody at all"... 

2 hours ago, LaBlocFan said:

If they new of the shit that goes on in my head, they'd want to kick me into that pit [...]

I see what you mean. But what would such a reaction mean? Only their misunderstanding and prejudices based on superficialities (=the images in your head, ...). If someone understands your condition, (s)he cannot have hate or even anger for you. And yes; it's difficult to make people understand well the kind of psychological problem you have, so it's much better not to talk about it at all (with others than professionals and "volunteers / peers" like us here), to avoid hurtful situations.

Take care and keep posting.

 

 

 

 

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@LaBlocFan If we could see inside anyone's head and judge them on their unfiltered thoughts, we'd all be in that Sparta pit. But it doesn't matter what goes on up there, it's bollocks. Just forgive yourself for anything you feel guilty about and keep going. And try asking God to reinterpret what you see rather than removing it, 9 times out of 10 it's guilt for wanking off at all, stupid mind ruins a good release. I do the same thing with alcohol. Couldn't drink because all I'd think about was the hangover. Ruined my night out. 

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16 hours ago, YOTH said:

If we could see inside anyone's head and judge them on their unfiltered thoughts, we'd all be in that Sparta pit.

That's a good point! I'm even sorry I didn't write it myself! :P :o  

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It won't fucking stop. The feelings are intense. I'm fucking scared to talk about it. It's like the things other people claim as intrusive thoughts ain't shit compared to this!! This shit goes through my mind every day.

The shitty thing is that everyday, it gets worse. The thing inside my head gets 0.1%  worse with every passing day. I say that because when a fucked up thought comes to mind, it's  sometimes greeted with a positive or warm or welcoming feeling.

I know it's bad, but it's the same thing as a guy who hasn't showered or bushed his teeth in six months. He knows he smells like shit, but he doesn't know how much he does cause he lives in that state all day every day.

One thing to do is chemical castration, cause frankly I don't see the thoughts and feelings about this subject are gonna change. And if I'm gonna have a life, I'm gonna need do something.

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@LaBlocFan If you didn't have this problem and somebody wrote this message, what would you say to them? Bear in mind that you're not judging them, you're just being constructive. It might help to take a step back and go a little easier on yourself. 

And remember, you are not alone here, just read the forums and you'll see that unwanted thoughts are about as common as beaks on birds. Your thoughts, warmly received or otherwise are just thoughts. They do not define you. You mentioned God in an earlier post, maybe you could join with him and meditate/pray for strength? I hope you don't give up hope, as much as you think chemical castration is the answer, it's not, it's like a lobotomy for a migraine. You're worth something, even if you don't see it yourself. I hope this finds you feeling ok ☮

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