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Rian

I just definitely need to die

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I'm definitely meant to die. That's probably why I'm so useless. Hell I don't even know if I'm allowed to post in this thread (I posted to the 'new members' forum thing once and stuff but I'm a stupid idiot who can't tell). i can't bring myself to live with so many horrible images and thoughts popping up in my head all the time. I am constantly on edge and everyone hates me and talks about me and laughs at me for it. my mom basically won't let me go to a therapist, and when I asked to go to the doctors one time she talked me out of it. My dad completely ignores me all the time, and if he isn't he is just teasing my sisters and I. We have to do swimming in gym class and the thought of everyone seeing how ugly I am in a bathing suit makes me want to die more. I can't stop thinking about what if I fail, what if I hurt someone, what if I die, etc and I'm tired of it all

i usually say 'oh I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself' but now my brain has scared me so much that it's either: put myself in a mental hospital (which probably won't happen, as I'm still a minor) or commit suicide. I've gotten pretty close before, I wrote many notes, but I was always too scared

god I'm scared of everything aren't I haha

maybe my mom is right, and I am just dealing with teen issues and stuff. If I am please let me know because I want to feel like a normal person for once

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Rian, it is very painful being stuck in a place of circling thoughts. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Sometimes observing nature can bring relief from thoughts. Learning meditation can help. Exercise and yoga can shift where you are in the brain. Drawing and painting can too.  At some point as we grow we need to learn to be a friend to ourselves, but it can be difficult at first to achieve. :(  We are here and listening.

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Hi Rian - we are all going die and frankly I am not sure how any of us are particularly useful.  So welcome to the club!  Give yourself a chance to learn and grow and you will see you are more resilient than you ever imagined.  Thoughts to the contrary are just other people's petty negativity and you don't need that kind of "petty cure" ha ha. But seriously just turn it down like a bad song on the radio and listen to your own voice instead.  God bless and wishing you all the best in 2017 ?

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Rian, I'm so sorry for this struggle. :( When these thoughts start to swirl can you try some deep breathing or counting? Our minds can become habituated to responding in unhealthy ways and this type of exercise might give you some space from your thoughts, if only momentarily.

I'm so sorry you aren't feeling heard and supported at home. We all need support at times during our lives. Keep talking sharing here if it helps.

Take care of yourself, Rian.

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I've struggled with negative images and destructive trains of thought most of my younger life, it can be like a snake eating it's own tail, by the time one season of negativity has ended the process has begun again. It can be unbelievably destructive and physically draining. I started a new way of dealing with negative images thoughts that has worked for me, thought I'd share it. I imagine a deck of cards, and when I have a negative thought (especially one I've had a lot) I take the neg card from the top of my mind deck and pop it in a box of light and positivity. When it comes out again it rejoins the bottom of the pack. The next card after the negative thought card is always a positive one. If it's a problem with my dad for instance (crops up from time to time lol), I put the neg one in the light box and the next card is 'but I love him and wouldn't want him to be in pain'. Then I just repeat the process. I find it particularly helpful because it doesn't deny my initial feeling but doesn't dwell on them either. I imagine the box of light as just 'reinterpretation' of my thought and it sends that back off to the ether where it came from as a re-gift (I've already seen this thought and don't want it, have it back). ?

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and speak to an advisor/teacher about visiting the doctor by yourself possibly? Take care ☮

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